it's the brightest thing i got when i'm covered in rain

what's been going on:

2010-02-23T17:36:00.003-05:00

it is difficult to look at some of these posts
- whether i'm proud for mild bravery or irritated at struggles, i rarely look at this .. but it serves as a reminder of who i was, who i will become because of it, and what i still have to get over, therefore i won't get rid of it, it's for me.

this, however, is who i am now
and who i have been properly expressed since February 2009

and until i need a reminder, a boost, a confirmation on what i was doing, what
i went through from 2006 on less and less.
phew!

Alright,

2009-10-18T20:09:00.001-05:00

writesleepcreatelaughhugcreatesleepwritereadeatsleepcreatecreatecreatecreate.

next week,
mentally prepare yourself.
next week,
physically prepare yourself.
next week,
be prepared.
next week will be okay.

I'm done.

2009-10-11T19:17:00.002-05:00

And I'm reaching out to you because I've reached my breaking point, again. See, the first time I went to Columbus, I needed ultimate escape. I couldn't handle things here anymore and the six hours I was away, it wasn't raining so hard on my head. I was able to see clearly and I lasted awhile, hopping in and out of escape when I could. But now, I'm back to my breaking point and though the most recent cut on my arm has almost entirely healed, I'm at my breaking point. I'm going back to Columbus for escape but it's entirely different now.

And I expect you not to mishandle the situation. You seem sincere, strangely sincere. I'll put aside all assumptions and be entirely sincere too. Because I'm at my breaking point and I need to get away. I need my escape again and you offered. Be prepared, I mean it when I say I need it.

Please.

I'm back to slicing

2009-10-07T06:12:00.000-05:00

And I need to be writing it here - the kids don't care and that bothers me.
In a way, I moved locations with my words so people would love me.
I did.
I figured, well, I'm not getting any attention over here so I'll go over there.
And now that I'm back to cutting up my arm, I'm back here with allllll the demons.
Bring it on. My entire self, hurts.
And I love that.
Oops, no progress there.
I'm bitter.

2009-02-21T00:04:00.002-05:00

Jamie Tworkowski's response: You are not a fake. You are not letting us down. You don't have to apologize. Our hope is that when someone wears a TWLOHA shirt, they're not saying they have it all together or that eveything is easy now. We hope they're simply saying that these issues matter to them, that they're fighting to believe in hope and help, and they're fighting to help others believe as well. There is no membership process, no criteria for acceptance. This is a movement for broken people and it is led by broken people. This movement exists for you and people like you. It is yours as much as it's mine. We want to say that we're sorry for your pain, for whatever it is that hurts and causes you to cut. We want to say that you're not alone tonight. Perhaps more than anything, we want to push back at the lie called shame that suggests you're stuck, suggests you're fake, suggests you're somehow failing us.

"You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters. We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck. We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
i could tell myself that i forgot i saw this
or that i forgot there was this organization
but that wouldn't be true
i know it's out there and i know there's help too
but when i see someone send something like that in,
it reminds me that other people are struggling too
and i would have thought that knowing that
and reading that
would have made me feel better and made me feel stronger
but the truth is, i'm still weaker than i'm telling people
and i'm still weaker than i'd like to tell myself even
i know i'm getting there
and that i took a few good steps in the right direction
but it's really, really hard to stay in that direction
and to stay that grounded.
it's just really hard
i thought seeing this would help but it just makes me uncomfortable
and i know that my situation makes everyone uncomfortable too
because it is an uncomfortable situation
i wish i could change but i'm having trouble still
and i don't think that i want to
because when i saw this and these words,
i wanted to forget that i had
and that makes me think that i wanted to forget about hope
-Post Monday, December 1st, 2008.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. After that post, things were stagnantly awful for awhile. Then, eventually things got better and I let them. Now, things are awful again. I got so low Thursday morning. And it's only Friday night and I can't even remember what the light looked like on Wednesday during the day, even though it rained the whole time in Washington. Even though, there was still light. I woke up in a hotel room where the bed was big and the sheets were warm. The elevator had jokes, my suitcase wasn't stressing me out. But then, right around the 7th hour of the bus ride back, my feelings started to sink. Now, it's 12:20 on a Friday. And I can't even remember what the light looked like that Wednesday afternoon. Or on Wednesday morning. Or Tuesday night. Or Monday. Or Sunday. Fuck. I picked up that needle yesterday evening and I don't know what to do now. I feel like a fake, smiling. I feel like a fake, crying. I'm still uncomfortable. But now, I'm uncomfortable because my arm itches for more. And I"m pretty sure that no one saw today, though I wore short sleeves just to punish myself. I just fucking hate myself right now. I really do. I'm just so stupid. I opened that drawer and I can't close it now. Damn, that was stupid. I can't talk about it with anyone - everyone who knew was proud. I can't disappoint people, again. I already did that, as soon as I came back. Hell. I don't know why I did it. But I did and now, I want more. Now, I want blood. Now, I want it again. The deep cuts, the itch during the day to run home to my drawer. Hell. That drawer is open, a little over two months later.
...

2009-02-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

2009-02-21T00:02:00.000-05:00

2009-02-20T06:39:00.002-05:00

i hate giving into weaknesses.
i guess all that nothing
turned into my needle
last night.
fuck.
i was doing well, too.
but as soon as i came back into town,
everyone jumped down my throat
with expectations
and i missed that ledge a few times.
so i tried a few other vices, first.
just so you know, it wasn't my first try.
but my drawer just looked so inviting
with my head banging from all the pressure.
and i wanted to quiet it down,
so i slipped up.
i didn't like it.
but i did it.
the problem was, it felt good
after a minute.
the problem was, i forgot
that i do like it.
fuck.
i hate that drawer.
i just couldn't put it down -
dammit! i was doing so well, too.
fuck that.
i tried.
damn. fuck.
i hate this.
i thought i had a grip.
ahhh

2009-02-19T22:10:00.002-05:00

just so you know, it doesn't sting so much this time. i guess since i've been away, i got a little more dressed up and put on a better attitude. i wrote you on the bus. i didn't finish it and i won't mail it. i probably wouldn't have anyways. but it's almost like i'm so tired right now that i'm numb. and i'm tired from being in Washington and i thought about you. i thought about you in the hotel, on the metro, in the elevator, on the bus. but i checked again tonight and it didn't sting so much this time. when i saw it, i just kind of shrugged and accepted it. moved on right away - didn't dwell. i have so much other stuff going on that i can't worry about you. and it's not that i don't worry about you or that i don't worry about us, it's just that chemistry is in front of me and euro is under that. music is playing out of my speakers, my coat itches a little. i have two tests tomorrow and a teen shabbat. i also want to go to appetite after school. so, it's not that i'm not thinking about you or that i'm not worried, it's just that i can't have you in me right now - my head has so much else that i can't. you've been living in there for so long and i thought when you two broke up that you'd get a bed in the corner of my mind, camp out for awhile. but you got back together, and you packed up your temporary suitcase that allowed me to convince myself that you might be staying for me. i don't know what i was expecting. except i know that i was expecting you to call, come, whatever. profess your love for me, the love you always had. saw pictures of you and your other girl too. made me think that maybe she had become just another girl in the picture, someone who changed after you for the worse and someone who you couldn't even talk about because you loved them.

i thought for a minute - considered deleting this entire post. then i looked inside myself for a second to check for bleeding via heart like the first time i heard. i don't even see a tear. my head, when i looked inside, was blank, except for the words i type and the lyrics in the background song playing loudly. it's not that i don't worry or that i don't want you for myself or that i've suddenly stopped loving you. it's just that i'm tired. i'm tired of telling the same story over and over again and you came up in conversation today, in photo, and tina accidentally called you ben. it made me laugh just a little. because when ben left, i scrambled to take pictures to remember him by. becuase when he left, i thought that i couldn't go on with my camera. but i did. you were next. i scrambled that day in the junkyard to capture it all and it makes me laugh now that those pictures are difficult to print. that they're tainted with light stains and out of order for the negatives. the ones i took more recently, ms. conner doesn't really like. C worthy. not A worthy. oh well. because i checked again for blood on my heart, and i don't feel anything. it's not that i don't care. it's just that .. i'm nothing now. it's not numb because that would mean i was stung recently. it's not empty because that would mean i was full recently. it's just nothing. and that's sad. but it's 10:21 and i have chemistry and euro under that. and the same song playing on my computer. i love you, she has you again. she just should know not to let you go again because if she does, she's silly. i can't even type how great you are because the keys from those words are so worn down that i can't even see them anymore. so are the ones for 'i love you' but i keep putting those out there, just in case. whatever, i'm nothing now. and it's not tragic. and it's not something you all should cry over or ache upon. because it's just nothing now. it's just. nothing. and that's just it. nothing. it's nothing. i can't keep repeating the same sad story of 'me and you: the almost was (in my head)' because it's nothing. really, it's okay. it's just getting later and it's just getting less and less hard to put my thoughts in the back of my head for the night and look up bonds and vocabulary and the great depression. ironic. but not really. because it's not depressing. it's just that - it's just nothing. oh well. here's almost another weekend. i might call but i think i have to feel again first. for tonight, i'll let myself feel nothing, it's nice not being distracted by you and you not even knowing it. tonight, it'll just be nothing. tomorrow morning, it might hurt. i might be dizzy from all the nothing and i may see double from all the nothing. but for now, 10:26, it's nothing and i'm okay with that nothing. because it isn't anything. it's nothing.

2009-02-14T10:43:00.002-05:00

i could have kissed you, that day in that yard. we could have rolled with it, just the two of us out in the middle of nowhere. i could have kissed you that day, i could have kissed you that next day. i could have kissed you all the other days before that. i could have kissed you all the days after that. i could of, but i didn't. i should of, but i didn't. your lips looked so delicious to me, always did, always will. i could of told you that i loved you that day in that yard. i could of told that i always would. i could of, but i didn't. i should of, but i didn't. now, i can again. actually, i always could have but i was biting my tongue. i was biting my tongue that day in that yard and i really shouldn't have been. i kick myself all the time when i think about that day, about how i should have just run up to you and jump into your arms, despite everything that you were holding. because i love you. and i could have kissed you that day in that yard for hours. i could have kissed you that day in that car for days. i was so happy, i was so nervous. because my heart beat so fast that day that i was sure that it would have jumped out of my ribcage if i had let it, that it would have busted from my chest if i hadn't been holding my hands so tightly on my dress. i could have kissed you that day in that yard. i could of, but i didn't. i should of. but i didn't. because i was scared that i would never be able to come back to that dusty ground if i did. because i was scared that i would never be able to leave that front car seat if i did. because i was scared that i would never be able to see you go back home alone if i did. i could of kissed you. i should of kissed you. i could kiss you. i should kiss you. and never let go because i love you and my heart is beating hard at the seams to say so.

synecdoche pt. 4

2009-02-13T22:18:00.013-05:00

"autumn held so much discarded potential. leaves were pushed through with rough edged rakes rather than delicately picked and honored. sizzled away with one final degree was the heat of summer. the threat of winter scared people into thick knitted scarves. but, with the taste of warm apple cider lingering on their tongues, they promised that they wouldn't forget the season. that they wouldn't forget the calm that lulled them into a deep sleep for the night. that they wouldn't forget each other. it seemed like days passed without memory, that weeks were thrown away - but everything was better then."

synecdoche pt. 3

2009-02-13T22:18:00.012-05:00

"summer air in the middle of the afternoon was most romantic. the way the tree leaves sang when a gust of wind hit them, how the sun spilled itself to every hillside to whip the flowers back upright; it was all so beautiful. she would always be partial to summer because of him, because of the time they had spent together, hours at a time. his words were scarce but when they came, they tumbled out of his mouth and flooded everything they touched with remarkable grace. when his lips closed, they kissed. it was always cold, always soothing. the anticipation of him kept her smile stretching the length of the state line. she had never felt more alive than when he was with her - everything was perfect"

synecdoche pt. 2

2009-02-13T22:17:00.004-05:00

"driving on the highway in the springtime excited them. the windows were always down - they had bought the mustang like that and they weren't even sure if they actually did go up. with her long hair blowing a messy frame around her face, he often had a difficult time concentrating on the road. sometimes, they drove for long periods of time in silence. sometimes the only map they followed was the one of their hearts. riding on the cusp of winter and summer thrilled them beyond any explanation. they were between seasons and without a single care - everything was simple"

synecdoche pt. 1

2009-02-13T21:45:00.005-05:00

"they city seemed extra cold that first winter. they sky was laced in layers of darkness all the time. the wind blew roughly across any face that dared to show off to the storm. even the buildings tried to shrink down small. the streetlights dimmed and the selectively placed streetlamp flickered weakly. drivers hardly ever changed their stubborn expressions. street corners housed the saddest of couples where boys were wrapped around their girls, heads close to each others, lips tight to keep out the clod from everywhere else around them. the warmest of fires still couldn't have held in the heat, though, for more than a few moments at a time. everyone was loneliest these days - everything outside was bare"

2009-02-13T07:12:00.002-05:00

uh.oh, i'm in a kissing mood.
damn this weather,
damn valentine's day.
damn my overactive heart.

2009-02-12T17:59:00.003-05:00

i love your music.

i love you.
you know i love your music.
you don't know i love you.
i tell you i love your music every chance i can
i don't tell you i love you at all.
it's sad, really.
that i have so much love for someone
who won't hear me say that
today, or tomorrow, or next week
or even next year, most likely.
it makes me sad that
inside and out,
i love your music and i love you
and you can only the half of it.

2009-02-11T17:17:00.000-05:00

you could have at least eaten it,
you know.

2009-02-11T07:17:00.002-05:00

"In these days with the world gettin colder
She spends more time sleeping over
Than I’d planned
Tonight we're gonna order in
Drinkin wine and watchin CNN
It’s dark, I know
But then again, it's the brightest thing I've got
From fireworks to fireplaces
Summer stole what fall replaces
And now we're people watching
All the people, people watching us right back
Standing by the missing signs
At the CVS, by the checkout line
She puts her quiet hands in mine,
Cause she's the brightest thing I've got
When I’m covered in rain, rain
And come December, Lydia left.
She mentioned something ‘bout it being for the best,
And I can't say I disagree, and its killing me.
And now I’m standing facing west
Tracing my fingers round a silhouette
I haven’t gotten used to yet,
But it’s the brightest thing I’ve got
When I’m covered in rain .."

Supposed to be in the 50's today, rain all throughout, high winds.
Listening to the drops hit the panes and then John Mayer's serenade
Really is beautiful, really doesn't make me want to go get clothes for school and put the books in my bag but I guess I will. Just let myself be carried away today. Maybe the wind will think I look appetizing today and lift me off the ground for awhile, let me play in the clouds, plump with rain just waiting to fall, cast down on unsuspecting heads and onto welcoming tongues.
I'll catch the rain today and if you asked,
I'd catch you too.

2009-02-10T22:24:00.004-05:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIhateuploadingthesevideostheylookhorribledamnthatmoodlightingwhatthehelllaaaaaaaaah.

212% selfish.

2009-02-10T15:53:00.003-05:00

but you aren't mine, are you?
you won't give me candy hearts
this year, i won't give you a valentine.
but if you gave me your heart;
ventricles, atria, pulmonary valve.
i'd take it all with the greatest of ease ..
because i know that i'll always love you.

2009-02-10T15:36:00.002-05:00

"It does not count if you believe in yourself when it's easy to believe in yourself. It does not count if you believe the world can be a better place when the future looks bright. It does not count if you think you're going to make it when the finish line is right in front of you.
It counts when it's hard to believe in yourself, when it looks like the world's going to end and you've still got a long way to go.

That's when it counts. That's when it matters the most."
-http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

I know you didn't write this for me, I'm not the "you" in the "I Wrote This For You" but you help people through their days, and today you helped me. I wasn't sure how best to explain my feelings this afternoon but this is perfect. So, thank you. Thank you for giving me the words to explain to myself how I feel - all the time, it feels like I don't have the words I want so I just write and write and write until I come up with something I do want to say. But today, I tried to write out words to describe this afternoon's feelings. But - for now, these words are the words that I needed to hear, to say to myself, to say to anyone who is listening. I'm really trying to believe in myself - I'm really trying to believe in myself. It's hard. Because you're right, it isn't easy to believe in yourself when things aren't easy. I'm trying so hard to believe in myself but it would help if people believed in me, if I knew people believed in me. I'm sure if I asked them, some would say yes, some no and some wouldn't answer me - but I have to know which to believe. And I think I can only believe myself - I have to believe that I can do all that I want to do, despite it all. I have to believe in myself. I have to.

2009-02-10T07:16:00.002-05:00

supposed to be in the mid 50's today.
and then it's supposed to rain tonight.
for awhile, nothing revolved around you -
the weather was just rain, snow, wind, sun
now it all reminds me of you
of your words, of your smiles, of your quivers
today it's supposed to be warm.
that'll remind me of our best memories
and when it rains tonight,
i might cry. or i might think about crying to you.
and then i might cry.
call and try and stop me
is a hopeful thing to say
because i don't think you will.
but ask me how i am, ask me if i've made any rain of my own tonight
so i know you're out there, listening really to me.

2009-02-09T07:13:00.002-05:00

"i miss you more than i should,
more than i thought i could -
can't get my mind off of you.
[i know you're scared that i'll soon be over it all]"

see, my words are tired. i'm tired. i got through last week like *that*
but why do i feel like this week will be worse? i think because last week, i was reeling in the glory of the weekend and i might have maybe just a little thought that this weekend that just passed, would be filled with you too. next weekend has the possibility of that - but it won't happen. first of all, i can't go back so soon due to the parental unit. second of all, i can NOT sit in a room full of couples or crushes or couple crushes for two hours - watch them cozy up on the couch when i snag a table near the front to film you and then think about you running into my arms at the end of your set. but you won't. you'll go to her. and that makes me sad and tired and scared. it also makes me realize that i miss you more than i should but not more than i thought i could - i only think i could keep missing you and that turns into more and more and more. i wish you followed by saying that you know that i'm scared but you won't be over it all anytime AT all.. but you won't. because you have her arms to hold first, her mouth to kiss first, her words to repeat first. let me know when you do, by the way. because three weeks ago, you told me you were practically over it and now i'm pretty sure that you're just getting further under her .. so, let me know. i want to know when my broken heart can break again..

2009-02-08T22:38:00.003-05:00

i have work to do; books to read, papers to write, equations to solve. i should be preparing for next weekend's trip; studying up, folding clothes, telling teachers. somehow, i'm managing to avoid most all of this. because just because i didn't answer right away didn't mean that i wasn't interested or that i didn't like it - it meant that i wanted to linger in your words, in your song. relish in having power for once. but just because i told you that i was busy didn't mean i didn't love it and it doesn't mean that i don't love you. because i do. and honestly, i was just happy to be busy with something for a few minutes that cooled my mind from being wrapped around you - it's exhausting loving you .. because every day that i wake up and realize you won't call that morning, or you won't laugh that afternoon, or you won't comfort me that evening, i just want to roll myself back up in my sheets and pretend like the rest of the world isn't out there anymore, that it's just me and my thoughts. because there, i'm with you. there, you love me and you hold me and tell me beautiful, quiet things. there, you're mine and i'm yours. there, we love each other. but when i put my feet on the carpet and rub at my eyes, the dreams slowly start to fade out - and i busy myself. but that doesn't mean that i don't love you.

2009-02-08T13:10:00.000-05:00

2009-02-08T07:55:00.001-05:00

"I won't regret saying this
This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut,
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad but, in case I'll go there everyday
To make myself feel bad, there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do
I won't be out long but I still think it better if
You take your time coming over here
I think that's for the best"
-Tegan and Sara "Call It Off"

the weather is getting warmer but my heart is still pretty cold from the summer.

2009-02-06T07:15:00.002-05:00

PS. First day in my own apartment,
I'm recreating this picture.
If I feel like I can write an entire story about a picture by first glance, then I feel like it's done it's duty. Then I feel like it's "worthy"
If I can look at a picture,
and feel something,
something that doesn't last long
and is hard to put my finger on
but feels so good,
then it's "worthy"
Because with this picture, I get that feeling of autumn leaves, just for a second. I can feel the breeze in my bones, almost for an entire minute. And then I shake it out and look again for a new feeling. Because with this picture, I feel like I can write an entire story based on it. I want someone to look at my photographs and feel that - I want someone to look at my photographs and believe in something again. I want someone to look at my photographs and feel something that they've missed, if only for a minute at most. Because that's why I photograph and that's why I get so frustrated and that's why I get so serious as I rush back and forth between the darkroom and the classroom. Because I want to get it right - I want to get that feeling right for people as soon as they look at my photograph. And on days that I don't work in the darkroom or on days that I do but don't get anything done, that means I just don't have that feeling anymore. I feel like then I can't give it to anyone with my work so why should I force out crap? It's not worth producing something that I can't look back at and FEEL something with. This picture makes me feel things - it makes me want to be that girl. It makes me sad and it makes me pleased, all in equal 100% amounts. I love photography for that reason alone; the feelings that come when you least expect them too and then they linger inside your heart and makes your head ache. I want to recreate this picture so when I look at it, I can feel even more. I feel like today will be good.

2009-02-05T20:43:00.008-05:00

you could call tomorrow morning. tomorrow morning, i could wake up and pick up the phone and listen to your voice, in a low whisper so you don't startle me.

you could call tonight. you could also call tomorrow afternoon. but you could call tomorrow morning.
tomorrow morning, i could wake up and not believe it's really you. and then not be able to go back to sleep because my legs are kicking and my lips are smiling.

- you could call anytime.
but call tomorrow morning.

2009-02-05T16:21:00.000-05:00

you won't answer me.

2009-02-04T07:20:00.001-05:00

"Hey, tough day?"
"Yeah, I can't remember the last one that wasn't."

Sunday night, damn that night, was hard. I was overtired from Friday and Saturday, I was stressed out from Sunday morning and wiped from the afternoon. I'm glad that I didn't have to talk to anyone besides my dad right afterward - I guess I'm learning the difference and balance between letting it all go for a few minutes and being completely vulnerable and keeping it locked away inside and then exploding later. Went through both but I'm proud of myself for not cutting, honestly. I thought I was going to - I cried instead. I think that I'm learning tears aren't completely painless but they certainly are healthier and in respect to a pin, much less painful. Yeah, hard night. But, now it's already Wednesday and I haven't cried since. I'm doing alright again, I think. I just have to keep pushing. Honestly, I think it helps I have a period every day that I can listen to my iPod, read, write, sleep. For an entire hour, too. Days are tough without you, days are tough with you, days are just tough. But I have to keep my head up and my hands off my wrists. I told myself how disappointed I would be if I did and I just kept telling myself that it wasn't worth it, it wasn't. I've got to be getting stronger in some sense, then, if I can do that and talk myself out of it. I can't tell you, though, that I didn't when I wasn't to because I'd have to explain why I wanted to in the first place and that's complicated and messy and petty and vulnerable and mean. I really hate, HATE, being weak in front/because of you. It's not fair to either one of us and I hate knowing that I'm making you uncomfortable or that you're making me cry. So, I'm trying really hard. I'm working harder. I'm staying stronger. Because I need to wake up and have thoughts that don't start with sighs. Sunday was tough and since then, not so tough. I'm proud of myself - I am. It may seem stupid or that I'm selfish or that I should just be able to control everything but I can't and I'm really really working hard to keep things in a straight line and stay on that line. We'll talk soon, I'm sure. I won't tell you, I'm sure. But maybe we'll talk about something else. Maybe you'll know. You might. I wish you do.

2009-02-03T20:46:00.002-05:00

i had something long and complicated ready for you to read, if you still do. but then i changed my mind through the course of the day as i had hoped that i would. it's not complicated at all, actually, i kept telling myself today as i went over what i wanted to explain. i love you now and you don't love me now. i'm not even going to say that traditional "not as far as i know, anyways" second half that i tell myself in order to feel better about the situation. because what i feel is that i love you now and you don't love me now. and for tonight, i feel like that's okay again. i just wish that we could love each other at the same time, that we will before it's too late. because i don't want to say that i wish we could HAVE loved. you mean too much to me, i love you too much. i do. because i have so much love for you that you won't be able to stand up straight or wrap your arms around me for my love will be too great, too strong, too forever.

2009-02-02T17:12:00.001-05:00

2009-02-01T19:55:00.007-05:00

i think the next time.. i'll open my mouth and just let some air come out. that way you'll have to listen really, really, really closely to hear what i'm thinking and how i feel. that way, you'll have to come inside and rest on my tongue, lay there for awhile. just to see what happens when i see you. and then what happens when i see the two of you. and then what happens what happens when i see it as the two of us instead.

2009-01-31T09:28:00.002-05:00

Sam writes exactly fifty word stories Monday through Friday: fiftywords.com

Jan 31

i knew her then

I knew her when she was sweet, and I don’t mean she isn’t now. But I knew her when she was young and sweet, when she smiled with girlish, distant innocence, when she cried at the thought of us not spending our lives together. Only I really knew her then.

I've been waiting for my day for so long. I hoped that these words would be extra beautiful to me - and they are. These are beautiful words and what an awesome idea, fifty words everyday. I love this idea and I love these words for my day. Therefore, I will love today.

2009-01-31T09:17:00.001-05:00

Reminder from:		blueskies372's Calendar

Title:		ME!

Date:		Saturday January 31, 2009
Time:		All Day
Repeats:		This event repeats every year.

2009-01-30T23:58:00.002-05:00

not any more suckaaas. pack up the car.
& wake me up before you go-go
[SO SO stuck in my head. must here more Wham..must..]
please do not remain there the whole time
otherwise i might just .. jump when i see you.
because i danced around my room like a maniac this afternoon after school
because i am so SO freaking excited. SO. SO excited. oh, man.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY TOMORROW.
crazy, crazy.
i can not waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait. i can't!
i want to stay up all night to relish in all the tomorrow glory.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

2009-01-28T15:44:00.004-05:00

you said you didn't know what to get me for my birthday.
but how about that?
i'd like getting that.
i really would. maybe just along the sidewalks, where all the lamps are all lit up.
in the cool of the night, i'd like that.
it's just times like this when i really like email.
when it's unexpected, funny. silly. like this.
boy, you're a goofball. and i love it.
you're just so goofy!
you said you didn't know what to get me for my birthday
and that's exactly that - that's exactly what i needed to hear.
i didn't even think about things that way and then .. ah, yeah.
i'm so excited for friday.
i'm so excited for saturday.
i'm so excited for sunday.
I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

2009-01-28T15:41:00.002-05:00

Love Bon Iver.
..
Love Ingrid Michaelson.
..
Love 'Skinny Love'.
..
Love this.
..

2009-01-27T21:56:00.002-05:00

Four days..crazy.
1. AVIATOR SUNGLASSES
2. "Other People's Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant To See" Bill Shapiro
3. The Polaroid Book / The Photography Book
4. POLAROID INSTANT 600 SPEED FILM "Yeah..no. Sweetheart, they went out of business" Yeah. I know, sweetheart. Bitch, I can carry my own.
5. Pentax K1000: Fisheye Lens
6. Punching bag and gloves
7. Typewriter Ribbons
8. Miles: "Wow And Flutter".. etc other iTunes CDs
9. John Mayer: 2009 Calender
10. John Mayer: On His Own Tour Shirt
11. Hell, JOHN MAYER. Ah, hah.
12. Let's Go Sailing: cartoon tshirt
13. The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book
14. This Is How Rumors Get Started EP
15. This Is How Rumors Get Started tshirt
16."The Time Traveler's Wife" Audrey Niffeneger
17. LIGHTS: tshirt/LIGHTS: tshirt
18. LIGHTS: comic book
19. Backseat Goodbye: "Monsters Under Your Head"
20. Backseat Goodbye: Polaroid Package

I can't focus on anything, by the way. At ALL. On Wednesday I'll daydream. Thursday too. And Friday most of all. Because I already did that yesterday and today. Oh, man. I was supposed to be studying. I was supposed to be doing homework. Ha, I didn't. Too excited. Eeeeeeeiiiiiik.

2009-01-26T18:44:00.002-05:00

"I’ve spread my wings, but they won’t extend all the way.
I remember dreaming of these days, and now they’re all mine.
My future is in my hands, and I’m not giving it away to anyone.
I’m just your average girl, but I’m trying.
I’ll be more than this one day.
Soon.
Just give me a little time to prove myself to you.
I will.
And I can’t wait to show this town everything I had all along,
but they were too ignorant to see."
-http://laurenbolek.tumblr.com

See, I read your blog and I'm in awe. You say you're just average but you don't seem that way to me. It's hard to feel anything but awe towards people like you because I'm still clouded in my dreams, unwilling to come down until I get exactly what's up in my head. In my head, I swing from the tallest trees without the least bit of fear but when I walk home from school, I get scared I'm going to get hit by a car. In my head, I take long drives across the country and stop only to take take pictures with a boy I love on the sides of all the roads we pass over but when I sit in my parent's car, I can't go any further than a few miles. In my head, I've got it all but when I open my eyes, I don't see anything similar at all. I'm trying to make all my dreams come out of there and stay on paper, rest in my hands, spill from my lips. I have to get out of Cleveland. I'm going crazy - everything looks the same around here. I don't DO anything. I'm too busy dreaming and I'm too scared to stop. I think if I try and push something out, not even all of my dreams, just one little one, that when it doesn't work out or it doesn't follow how I feel, I'll run in the other direction and never want to sit in my head again. I want to be more. I want to wake up in the morning and kiss cold lips and make them warm. I want to fall asleep at night, so tired from building living room forts and blasting music from the speakers. I want to walk around in a daze because there's beauty around me - new beauty, old beauty, my beauty. I want it all and I'm so scared that I won't ever get it. I'm turning 17 in just a few days and I was excited. I still am, don't get me wrong. I'm ready to get on with things, move past high school and make something of myself to this place that takes me for what little I am. I feel like no one will wait around for me to become what I want, that no one will take my hand at 1 in the morning and tell me how great I am and how great I can be. I feel like no one will do that and that scares me. I feel like I've got all this bottled up in my head and in my heart and if anything happens, I'll explode and ruin it all with my scattered bits all about. I'm trying. But I just want to be. I want to get on a plane or sit in a car and go. Go somewhere where I don't wake up feeling the same weight I had the day before but with energy to go talk to someone new or find something fresh. But for now, I'll wait for myself - I know I'll be there someday with a big white walled apartment in a big city with a big bed in the middle with a big window across from me. With a darkroom set up only a few steps away and a huge stereo system with giant headphones. With that someone who will take me out everyday and show me the little things, show me the big things. Show me, me. Because I know I'll get there someday. But I'm asking for a little less time to let me be less and a little more push. You said that you're just average and you'll be more soon. But to me, you are the more I want to be. So, if for tonight that's all I get to know, that's fine. After all, it's only 7:00. Maybe I'll be a little more by the time 8 rolls around.

2009-01-26T07:13:00.003-05:00

this is going to be the best, ever. ever. ever. ever. ever.
i already told tina that it doesn't even matter what happened/happens
because it's officially my birthday week
and i'm so. happy.
and phew,
everything is back to where it was yesterday.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeik.
youuuuu have no idea. no idea. NO idea. how stoked i am.
oh man. oh. MAN.
this morning my dad was like "welcome to monday morning"
ouch. how about welcome to the BEST week ever?
yeah, that's more like it. oh my gosh.
i'm so excited. i feel like everything is going to be perfect.
i mean, honestly? things have never worked out like this before.
ahhhh! i'm going to be doing a lot of shrieking and jumping. oh yeah.
because it's my birthday week!!!
AH! so. excited.

2009-01-25T22:19:00.000-05:00

2009-01-24T10:02:00.001-05:00

2009-01-24T01:04:00.003-05:00

"True. But sometimes I wish I had photographs so I could remind myself that those times we’d spent together weren’t just in my imagination." -lovebot.tumblr.com

Exactly. I'm afraid in a few years or months or weeks, I'll only have those photographs to remember that day. That's part of the reason I think about it so much. That afternoon, those few hours, were like we were on a completely different level. We were completely alone in a place where no one would look to find us. I just want to get that back. Not because I'm unhappy now or because you are. But because I loved that feeling of just being with you, all alone. Me with my camera, you with your smile. Both of us with our good looks and jokes. The distance was shut down and sealed off. I don't want to think about this in a few years or months or weeks and just be imagining it. That's not fair because that afternoon was too good to only be remembered by photographs. Please don't make me recreate those memories. Please stay with me to create new ones, better ones. Ones that don't have such a tragic ending only a little while later. I love those photographs. I feel like everyone looks at them but they can't see what I felt - what you felt- what we felt. What we conquered. We were two against the world that day and we dominated. Top of the world, baby. Top of the world. Thank you. Just don't make me imagine it. Let me feel it more often, alright? It was wonderful and it makes me feel warm inside whenever winter wraps around my bones too tightly and I feel suffocated and chilled. You break all of the ice away. Thank you. Just don't make me take out the chisel myself next year or next month or next week. I need more - Let me know it's not all in my imagination.

2009-01-22T21:13:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, "I'm not going to make it,"
but you laugh inside remembering all the times you've felt that way.
-Charles Bukowski

Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday. Next week, it's my birthday. I'm making Monday - Sunday my birthday week. Officially. I just have to get through tomorrow - and I'm not going to climb out of bed thinking I won't make it. Because I just did that this morning and look, it's the next night and I'm still kicking. I'm kicking a little bit slower and I have my head down a little more but all I have to do is get through tomorrow. And tomorrow can't be that bad, right? Tomorrow is Friday. I'll be tired but I've felt that way before. All I have to do is laugh tomorrow morning when I get up. Because I've felt this way before and I'm still around. I'm still making it.
And I'll continue to make it?

2009-01-22T20:36:00.003-05:00

i'll always make musical love letters for you
because i think that that's the only way to make you listen to me on repeat
maybe one day, i'll get one from you
with the same intentions?
and then we'll throw away any subtlety
and bring back that dying and dead chivalry.

2009-01-21T07:10:00.006-05:00

i want someone who will wear the same tshirt as me all day and then in bed, so i can hold onto the adventures we had when i sleep. someone who will hold my hand when we walk out in the cold. someone who will run to meet me at the door and jump up and down when i arrive. someone who will call me just to say good afternoon rather than good morning or good night. someone who will say they want to watch movies with me but will be watching me the whole time. someone to kiss in the rain. i want someone who wants me back. can i ask you to get that for me for my birthday? would you look all day and then realize it's you?

2009-01-21T07:10:00.001-05:00

mine at least.

2009-01-20T07:05:00.002-05:00

"Let's pretend we're artists and everything we feel is something new to be proud of. Let's take our imaginary friends on a double date and ditch them in a movie and hope they get along while we kiss outside on the sidewalk. Let's take the dreams you mumbled in your sleep and paint a child's nursery. And if we don't finish today, we've always got tomorrow."

-pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

let's pretend it's just the two of us against the world. let's pretend we analyze everyone and no one can figure the two of us out. let's pretend that nothing can stop us. tell me those things next time? we are artists so i don't think it's so much of a request. just be around tomorrow when i might get down again. you always pick me up so stick around? i'll return the favor - i promise.

2009-01-18T23:01:00.023-05:00

i'm becoming more independent. i'm spending time doing more for myself. i'm learning i don't have as many shortcomings as i thought i did.

___________________________________________________________________

i'm getting there but that doesn't mean that i still don't need you. (you called just a few minutes later. thank you for that. i smiled so much that night.)

2009-01-17T10:02:00.002-05:00

"Sometimes pain becomes such a big part of your life, that you expect it to always be there because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then, one day, you feel something else. Something that feels wrong but only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment, you realize. You're happy" For awhile, I would have rather just tucked myself away with my iPod and slipped on my headphones. The world was too noisy for me - I didn't want to listen to anything because I figured that all I needed to hear, I could control. Yeah, right. Now, I'm still spending most of my time listening but I'm not listening to just my own thoughts anymore. At some point, a few weeks ago, things started to change. I stopped crying as much and I stopped getting angry as much. I started to put my time into dancing around in the darkroom rather than sulking. I started smiling in the halls more rather than just trying to get to class. Granted, I'm still sad. But I'm sad now when something sad happens rather than assuming that something sad is always going to be going on and just being sad. I thought that was what I was supposed to feel like. I thought that I was supposed to just be like that because I was in pain and I was hurting. But now, I'm happy. I told myself that when it first started, I was just on a good streak - that something horrible would come and sweep me up because I had my guard down - because I was actually laughing and I was actually singing and being with people. I've stopped turning down as many plans as I used to. I thought that if I was alone, I could figure everything out and then after I figured everything out, I could go be with people. Again - yeah, right. I'm going to take these good days as they are - good days. I don't need to go look for the bad. I don't need to turn things over so often that I lose any good that they once held. I'm taking chances. Granted, small chances. But, hell, two months ago? I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I would be happy for more than an afternoon, let alone what's going on now. Something changed. I'd like to think it's me but it's not entirely. I'm still listening to music nonstop. But I'm not tucking myself away. I'm playing it outside, I'm playing it loudly, I'm playing it for and with other people. The world isn't any less noisy these days. If anything, it's nosier. But now, I'm listening to what's going around me and talking back. Now, I'm mixing my noise right along with it.

2009-01-17T10:01:00.000-05:00

2009-01-16T16:31:00.004-05:00

listen to joey hendrickson's handmade studio version of
Rain Another Night
because when the video angle covers mic, headphones, bangs, scarf,
& shirt of white
and his voice is 1000 types
of sweet,
this song is best played out
on repeat...

and i always like to do more than one thing at a time. so you should too!
any or all at your fingertips:
Joey Hendrickson: ReverbNation
Joey Hendrickson: PureVolume
Joey Hendrickson: Facebook
Joey Hendrickson: Myspace
Joey Hendrickson: Bebo
Joey Hendrickson: Virb

2009-01-15T14:46:00.004-05:00

"when it comes to you, i am at a constant state of nostalgia."
-ohalleebaby.tumblr.com

yesterday, elissa and molly talked to me about being fancy and how we all felt really fancy inside..we just didn't have any opportunities to be fancy. we tried really hard all day to be as fancy as we could..i think we did pretty well. i even felt a little fancier just trying it out. molly said that she thinks we'll all be rich one day - that we'll all be really successful and get to get together when we're older and be fancy then with really long, elegant black dresses and pearl necklaces. we talked about wedding dresses, we talked about falling in love, we talked about decorating our houses. we went into all kinds of fancy stores and we complimented each other all afternoon. we just had fun dreaming with each other.

then, last night i got that summer camp feeling and i tried realllly hard to hold onto that - the feeling that i got last summer when we were prepping for kesher with lanterns and grills and trying to light everything and win competitions for the best supplies. that warm, lingering feeling of being out in the sun on the grass in shorts and sitting in a circle with my friends. i love that place. i love it. there were just so many good things about that place..man, i wish i could have that feeling forever. it only lasted for a second or two but i tried my best to stay in that summer sun frame of mind. it was just so perfect.

my birthday is coming up really soon and i always get nostalgic when this time of year comes around. the winter slump always picks back up right before my birthday. i'm getting a little old..i'm going to be making so bigger decisions in this next years to come than i've made before but i think i'll be able to do it. things lately have been working in my favor and that makes me really happy. a few months ago, i wrote about my perfect brithday weekend. i just can't imagine how well this is working out - i never really imagined it working out this well. i'm extremely excited to see him play again and espesically [that's right - my fingers spelled that out correctly first time. bam!] on my birthday and i guess it just makes sense now about not going over winter break. i'd like to listen to him play every single day but it's just so special when i actually do .. and now, man, my birthday night. perfect, no? i just hope i get to see the studio..that that works out and that i get to capture it all in and hold onto it. and then on sunday, i'll have the party and we'll see what goes down with who there. i'm so thrilled. i love parties, i love gifts. but i really love unwrapping gifts. the anticipation. the wrapping paper. the bows. the three of us were in victoria's secret yesterday - i got a little more over my fear of being in there- and we had a fun time talking about all that girl stuff and i am uncomfortably comfortable with the idea that i am going to become a bow girl in the bedroom. i don't know about that though - i'll have to find a nice boy who could settle down with that.

this year, i don't know what i'll ask for. i love the surprise aspect. i have a list - 600 speed instant polariod film, anyone? get it before it's gone? - but i don't know - i won't ask for the moon at least. i don't think anyone has that nice of a tie to the sky. maybe one year someone will get me a pair of wings and a lasso so we can go get it together. but for now, i could just go for some aviator sunglasses to feel like i'm taking flight.

2009-01-15T09:21:00.002-05:00

2009-01-10T21:47:00.004-05:00

Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you have more opportunity that I do. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you have it easier than I do. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you get more praise and have more hugs. Maybe I'm bitter because you have more outer beauty that I do. Maybe I'm bitter because you might have more inner beauty instead, more worthiness for that praise, more reason for the easy path, and more will to gain that opportunity that is offered up to you. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like he tells you all those things every day. Maybe I'm bitter because I don't have anyone like that. Maybe I'm bitter because whatever I think won't ever change how I feel and whatever I do won't ever change how things are. I'm bitter. You're better.

2009-01-09T14:38:00.007-05:00

you haven't yet. i've trying telling myself that you did. but you haven't - not yet, anyways. it's hard for me to stay above the water without any promise of a flotation device. i've never been a very good swimmer but maybe you can come for a few hours and remind me how to again? i tell myself that you're always saving me but i think that that requires you to actually hear me say it..and then you'd actually have to care. that's not fair. you do care - i just have trouble remembering that sometimes because it's easier to pity myself. i'm trying for you, i'm trying to be better. and hopefully, i'll be the best i can be. i don't know. i'm trying..it's hard. but i'm trying. i just wish it wasn't all for you because i'm not sure that you'll ever feel the same way for me. i think i always will though.

2009-01-08T06:36:00.002-05:00

Found: 'Euston Road, London' @ Polaroid Of The Day

So, I've been having the conversation for days now with various people about our photography class. It's agreed that for this past week and a half, we're either doing school or doing photo. Because we can't do both. Because we either have to devote all of our time to being in the darkroom or being in the classroom. I've chosen darkness, personally.

See, I was looking through what I've accumulated for the past odd month or so and I'm proud, mostly. But the problem is is that I haven't had time to praise myself on my work but I've somehow made time to critique myself against everyone else's work and concentration and talent. So, I think if I'm spending every moment in the darkroom
kissing my enlarger instead of my books,
[honestly, I'd most like to be kissing boys]
I should at least stand back at the end of today and pat myself on the back.

But I won't. Because I've got to go early for recycling, the only true time Alyssa and I can catch up, which is ridiculous, and then I've got "review" for finals, yeah right, and then I've got more photo. My dad said to me last night that I should be happy that I get to spend that much time on doing something I love. What's that repetitious lyric? 'I don't hate you but I really, really, really don't like you?' Yeah. I'm frustrated. But I guess if it's what I love, right?

I need a pat on the back from someone besides me and my chemically licked hands.

"Spending 9:45-3 is all day in the darkroom"
"Yeah, but how cool would THAT be? All DAY in here?"
"You're right..I always come in here when I'm having a bad day"

I think that's when we turn true..when we come to the darkroom to get out of the light of day.. when we go hide out in there just for some solace.
I love you but I've chosen darkness.

2009-01-07T07:05:00.002-05:00

so, i really wasn't expecting that! not that i don't accept that.
i wholeheartedly do..you just got really brave all of a sudden.
that made me really happy..i'll either come in today or friday.
man. wow. that's really exciting? weird how i had that dream
last night, too. huh. i really wasn't expecting that! honestly,
i thought it'd be just to start things .. just basic. but! no!
i'll come in and we'll talk. oh, i'm excited. this is working -
the whole "let's go to the melting pot" .. it was just so
direct! good job, us. wow. really, good job!

how exciting!

2009-01-06T15:30:00.004-05:00

2009-01-06T07:16:00.006-05:00

"It's you."
"What?"
"When all my dreams come true, the one I want next to me. It's you."
-OTH

If I told you this, I think you'd laugh at me. Ever since that night,
But honestly? Everything has reminded me of you. But I'm imagining you won't.
And that everything reminds That cold night,
ever since I stepped out of that car. You of me - sorry, that's just the way I get to sleep at night
Sorry - that's just the way it happened. I'll always pretend it does. Until one day, it actually does.

Confused? Me too.

2009-01-06T07:12:00.000-05:00

Polaroid House

2009-01-04T21:24:00.006-05:00

"6/9/2008. Turned an abandoned house into Polaroid installation art. Our challenge to anyone willing to drive for hours, find this house. Add your own polaroids. Fill it up. We want to go back in a year and find every room bursting with your little wasted art attempts. Take a couple if you want, but leave behind even more. Make it grow, make it AMAZING."

The most fucking badass idea I've seen. Ever.
The house is in Lancaster, about an hour away from Los Angeles.
Interested? I am. Want directions? I do.
[Scratch that: You don't want] I NEED directions. I NEED to be there now.
Seriously? How fucking amazing.
This is what the world needs -
art by people who love art
Because seriously? I thought to myself a few hours ago "What am I going to do with myself?" as I scrolled through Facebook pictures of what camp was like this summer. And I got so down about not being there .. maybe ever? [Scratch that: Don't let self think that]
And then, I found this. And fuck, how fucking awesome. I just want to scream. Seriously? Fucking amazing.
Potty mouth.
Don't care -
too excited to contain.
When I find something like this, I can fly.
Man, oh, man. Dude. So fucking badass.
Click: Polaroid House

2009-01-02T15:43:00.002-05:00

ah, yeah. how many people that we know
have ever really played spin the bottle?
for real, anyways.
if you think about it, probably not that many -
it's an interesting concept though
if you think about it.. letting a bottle decide who you'll kiss, who you won't.
i'm not sure if i really consider that a game though
but a group of people get together and sit in a circle with the same understanding
of the rules but i'm assuming no one really thinks about the results in the midst of the action
if everyone accepts the game as it is,
that it's spin the bottle and you just kiss whoever it lands on,
i say that people should go to a party next time
and carry the traditional spin the bottle bottle with them
and they should be allowed to point it to whomever
and kiss that person.
because it's a game right? a game that everyone just gets
but really, how often do people play?
it's a scary thought - those game circles.
crazy things happen and it's just okay
because it's a circle, it's a game,
and there are these rules that
who even made up
but everyone will take.

2009-01-02T10:43:00.000-05:00

2009-01-01T12:42:00.001-05:00

"Now the scent of your malcontent is like the smell before the rain."
-William Beckett

2008-12-30T11:02:00.000-05:00

here we go

2008-12-29T11:48:00.002-05:00

i can only wake up on a monday morning so many times more
without the promise of better things
i can only read of adventures so many times more
without the knowledge of better days

i wish someone would tell me that -
that my heart is too big for this town

2008-12-28T21:35:00.005-05:00

today, i spent two hours by myself,
taking pictures.
i turned in the roll
and looked at it 18 minutes later
and all 24 shots turned out; they're stuck in a tiny canister now.
that little grey container holds one afternoon of my time spent
and i realized that i'm getting better,
i'm getting more creative,
i'm getting more artistic.
and i don't think that i've ever shot an entire roll
of just myself.
i was too scared before, too self conscious.
i always wanted you to take the pictures of me
so i could image that you saw me as beautiful enough to take a picture of.
and i still want you to - i always will want you to see me as beautiful.
i'll always see you that way -
i think i was encouraged to do self portrait shots like this for the wrong reasons
that i was motivated because i wanted you to see me as beautiful even if you were gone and even if you were looking at other beautiful ideas.
but that doesn't mean that what i've gotten out of it isn't good
and for more right reasons than i could imagine -
it makes me feel really good to hold onto these negatives
and just have them all to myself for a little while. i love that feeling -
that butterfly feeling that i get when i look at something really, really good.
i can't wait to get back into the darkroom
and start printing these.
i've been discouraged lately with the scholastics disaster as i like to pity myself with -
but i'm trying really hard to make something of myself
especially these days when it seems that the world has been moving at a pace too fast
for me even to catch up, let alone hang on and i didn't think it'd be possible for me to
hold on if i did manage to hang on. but i'm really trying - to not get discouraged, to not get frustrated. to keep myself on the world's side at least rather than the bottom
and soon maybe i'll be on top of the world -
we'll see if you come around,
if i get on a plane anytime,
or if there's a promise for more than just a better tomorrow.
i don't know - there's a lot that i'm doing to keep my hands holding onto the world
to pick myself up, to pull myself around and put myself back on top - we'll see.
but for tonight, i'll just look at the negatives again.
i'll just look at those pictures and think of everything i've done, everything i still can do
i'm still struggling, i'm still lost. but i've got to hope that if i can do something entirely on my own for one afternoon
and not think if i look right or what someone would say or how it comes across -
then i've got to be getting somewhere.
that maybe the next step isn't going to be waiting for someone to check on me, for someone to call me and ask me how i am every afternoon. because that realistically won't happen - right now, i don't think anyone cares that much.
so i need to realize that i need to take it into my own hands and hand things over to someone else for a conversation.
tell someone that i'm lonely and sad and hurting
but that i'm talking,
that i'm answering questions
and that i'm putting myself in a conversation that i've been waiting for someone to start with me
that i'll start with someone instead. be willing to talk, not just willing to "let" people show how much they care for me
and allowing myself to be upset when they don't. i'm talking, answering, asking. it's important -
remind myself
that the world doesn't have to move too fast
to knock me over and under
as long as i'm willing to run for what i want to become

2008-12-27T23:02:00.005-05:00

i'm not letting anyone do anything for me - which is exactly why i'm still cutting and why i'm still in pain. because it's that simple - i think i'm letting people in and i think that i'm letting people do things for me but i'm not. i'm letting myself think that i am. i'm not telling anyone anything, really. i act as if anything anyone does to me that bothers me is their fault - that they should call more or they should ask more or they should hug more. bullshit! i'm not letting anyone do anything and i just pretend that i am. i pretend so i can cut, i pretend so that when they cast their eyes everywhere else or they don't look at all or
when they don't ask at all,
that i'm not doing anything wrong - that i'm just simply continuing because no one is checking.

2008-12-27T22:39:00.006-05:00

i had written up a long few paragraphs about how i couldn't find this image and that i remembered i wouldn't let myself save it because it would be inevitable that you would spend it with her. and i thought that if i didn't post it or save it or print it, that i was somehow granting myself satisfaction - that i was somehow allowing you that privelage of being with her. and i thought that somehow then the fact of you with her wouldn't bother me any longer. and after i canceled the document that housed this image, i was satisfied. i did in fact, feel as if i was okay with the two of you and your happiness with one another. and i forgot about it. until tonight and then i remembered that you don't know any of this - that my quiet satisfaction isn't really worth anything because the irritation and the anger and the ridiculousness that comes moments after my allowing myself to LET you be with her, is so much worse. and that's because i realize that i'm not letting you do anything. letting you do something is letting you wipe up a spill for me or letting you offer me a bite of your food. i'm not LETTING you date her at all - that's completely nuts. and i shouldn't be frustrated that you're happy with her. but that's the whole thing - i'm going to think selfishly for awhile and selfishly feel that i deserve you more. i talked to my therapist about it and i lied - i told her i didn't care that i felt forgotten about. but that's selfish. one, to think that i'm forgotten about because i'm not - you're just busy. and two, to think that i'm somehow getting away with something just because i don't let her in on my feelings. again, letting. you spent christmas with her and i tried to let myself think that i wouldn't care and that i was being the bigger person by telling myself i wouldn't look at this image and wish you were here with me instead of calling on the eve of christmas eve. i'm really a small person these days. see? i showed you all the image. i'm letting you see what i'm talking about. doesn't do a thing does it?

2008-12-27T15:59:00.002-05:00

I'll find it. Maybe with you, maybe you'll be there with someone else.
Or maybe you'll come later by yourself. Maybe you won't come at all.
That's the reality of it - you aren't here with me now
But I still have to remember that I'll find somewhere
beautiful to get lost in.
With or without you.

I want my license -
I'm going to schedule my last two in cars this week
and then, before my birthday, i'll get my license.
And then I'll be able to find somewhere beautiful.
I know I can - I know that I will.
I'll bring a map, point, and drive.
I hope that someday, we'll do it together.
That we'll get lost again and it'll be beautiful.
Someday I'm sure that we will -
but for now, I'll get my license and start looking on my own.

2008-12-24T09:46:00.002-05:00

2008-12-24T09:37:00.000-05:00

2008-12-22T14:36:00.002-05:00

yeah, so. i don't even know you - not really at least.
and i don't like you. you just seem mean. a little stuck up. and too talented. i'm struggling with photography
and i wanted to get into Scholastics very badly. i think that i wanted it for myself first but second, i wanted it to show you that i'm good. that i'm still here and that i need would like some praise for the good work that i do. because right now, i'm back to being uninspired and irritated. i've been avoiding looking at your work for awhile now but i did because i wanted to know what he's doing with you - it's my only way in. and it's only a sixteenth of a way in too. he was supposed to call and he didn't. i haven't heard from in since last sunday. it's been one week and he's been on break. so there should be some time for me. but i'm pretty sure that he's just busy. and he's busy with you. you seem mean. i don't know anything about you. and i know i shouldn't assume that your mean. but you can't get kicks on other people's feelings. broken feelings, nonetheless. it's ridiculous how many times i've seen you do this since you've gotten in on the inside track with him. i want to meet you and i want to see what you have to say for yourself. because right now, it sounds like you pretty much are just a mean, petty girl. and i want to talk to him but i'm waiting. because i'd drive down there any time just to see him. but your there now and the priorities are so different, it's not even funny. i don't know. i want to ask him about you. but it's clearly not my place. i just have to know that i fit somewhere though. because it's like i'm willing to cut myself open, put myself out there, and let you fiddle around with whatever piece you'd like first and then discard it along the highway back home. i don't know. i just wish he'd call. tell me what was going on, why he hasn't talked to me. i'm tired of trying to decide why these things are happening but all i know is that they are. and i don't like it and it doesn't matter.

2008-12-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

it's getting really cold here.
it's starting to feel like Christmas ..
and below zero!

2008-12-21T10:30:00.002-05:00

"These City Lights"
i picked out a book yesterday, 'Chicago At Night'
for one of my Christmas presents
it was on sale.
and it was beautiful.
i really want to travel so i can photograph places at night
especially Chicago.
i think places are just more beautiful in the night
or in the very early morning light
when there's a cross between the day before and the next
and there's so much unknown
and everything fades into the distance
i want to take photographs of beautiful things like that
like the unknowns
like the promises
like the love
that you can feel from seeing a place, seeing a light,
seeing a city.
but i have to wait it out - wait out here only a few states away
before i can go when i'm older, right? i can go when i'm brave?
i have such a grand idea of what beauty is
and how easily i could get if only i were able to get there
and i think that as long as i tell myself that i can't get there,
that it's not the right time or not enough money or it's too crazy,
then i don't have to deal with the fact
that i can't accept beauty here
and that i can't accept other people being able to find theirs
in their girlfriends or their music or their grades or their cars or their work
because i'm willing to just say that beauty is out of my reach
and then that way, i don't have to tell myself that i'm scared that i won't find beauty
or that i'm scared that i'll never be happy where i am
but i am
but i won't let myself think that
not for now at least
because i bought a book yesterday, 'Chicago At Night'
so that i can look at it on Christmas morning
and not think of the beauty that everyone else has on that same morning
and just let myself believe that my beauty is only a few states away
or a few perfect pictures away or a few people away
and then, i don't have to tell myself that i don't think i'll let myself have beauty
yesterday, there was the possibility of going to Columbus
there was the possibility of seeing you, of talking to you,
of hearing you play your songs.
i got so excited when i saw it - i thought that everything going on with my family
would be swept away if i were able to go
my dad said no at first and i was angry
then, it turned into maybe
and then it turned into probably, yes
and then - no.
he said that if these things weren't going on with the family,
if the adults didn't need to meet to talk about what to do for my grandma
then he would have taken me
everyone else got angry when he offered up different solutions to when they could all talk
that was a horrible "lunch"
i forgot what it was like to be hurt and then have a good cry about it
i was so looking forward to it
and i know it was selfish of me
but i figured that i was just a kid
but i'm not - i have to grow up sometime
i just wanted to see you again
you said we would talk on friday and we didn't
i called on saturday when i thought there was a possibility of seeing you
you didn't call back
and this morning, i figured you'd have left a message or emailed me or something
you didn't do either
i don't know what's going on is why i'm disappointed
it doesn't seem fair to me that i could have been there
i figured out how i wanted to photograph your studio
how i wanted to get new footage of you playing
and i guess around 2:30, the answer was a definite no
my dad asked me on the ride home from "lunch" if he should just give in,
let the other adults have what they wanted and meet after dinner
i said yes but it hurt - giving up wasn't what i'm used to doing
when it comes to seeing you play - i usually beg, borrow, and steal
and my dad knows how much i love it
and he lived on N High when he was younger and teaching there
would have been a good trip down memory lane
he asked me this morning if i had heard anything about it
i guess i'm avoiding it until i talk to you directly
i don't know how long that'll be
hopefully soon
we're headed out for another lunch and it won't be "lunch" like yesterday
but i would have much prefeered to be rolling out of bed at this time
and still reeling in the glow of the night before
rather, i just woke up.
and thought about beauty and thought about how i let it get to me as far as arm's lenght
and how i don't make enough sacrifice and how i make too much
and how i'm still a kid but i have to be mature
and how much i really wanted to see you.
we haven't talked and i don't know when we will
but i really hope
or rather, need
you to be playing again while i'm still on break
it'll crush me if you aren't
because driving in that car on the highway
makes me feel like everything is going to be alright for a night -
i see something beautiful in your music - i do.
but it hurts that i can't see that on a daily basis.
i think that it all goes back to the same thing -
that i don't let myself see the beauty closest to me
because i'd rather get in a car to Columbus than sit with my family at lunch
because i'd rather get on a plane and fly to Chicago than sit with my family at dinner
i don't know - i just wish i could have seen you play last night
it was great, i'm sure. but i'd love to know
that you're playing again .. tomorrow or .. two days from now
or that you'll call and listen to me
because i miss you - i miss seeing you play, hearing your jokes and your nervous laughter
you're great - you are. and i wish i could have seen you in that greatness last night.

2008-12-20T17:11:00.000-05:00

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

— Douglas Coupland, Life After God

crane installation by erin [deviant art]

2008-12-20T10:51:00.002-05:00

this is too beautiful to look at for more than a few minutes at a time. and when something is that beautiful, it makes me feel sad. because i'm always looking for moments like this and right now i'm printing skeletons on typewriters. i don't like mood swings. and i don't like disappointments. and i don't like wanting something so much, that when i don't get it, and i know it's not realistic to think that i could get it, it hurts so much more than i thought it would.

2008-12-20T10:43:00.000-05:00

2008-12-19T07:12:00.002-05:00

i'm still holding onto the polaroid camera from class last year
maybe i'll get polaroid film for chrismas.
because i want to take beautiful images like this
this year.
or more for my birthday?
which i'm so. stoked for.
17, baby.
i feel good things coming on...
polaroids make me feel like the world fits in that little picture frame
and you can slip it into your back pocket
and just hold onto that moment forever.
i've got the one of ben and i on my bulletin board
and everytime i look at it, i get that same warm feeling
that excited, thrilled, cozy feeling
that i got that day when he was here
i could have taken a digital picture
i could have not taken our picture
but i wanted to
and i wanted it on polariod
because that was the mood of that day -
that i wanted to be able to get into the car
in how many ever years
and just drive,
with a polaroid like that in my back pocket
and go somewhere great.
and take that picture.
and then another and then another.
polariods are so romantic.
i think photography in general is romantic
but no body's got anything on polariods.
they just ooze the promise of forever
and the promise of forever
is romantic.
i want a boy again who will take polariods
with me
travel with me and stop by the side of the road
with me
and let me take pictures
of him, of me, of us,
of the world
and then let me slip them into my pocket
and let that romance overwhelm me
during the ride home.
i'm such, SUCH a sucker for romance
daily i'm thinking of the most romantic gestures someone could do for me
and i still always settle
on someone reaching down when we're walking and holding my hand.
holding hands and taking polariods.
maybe i'll ask for that for christmas.
but for now, i'll just get the film.
until someone wants to hold my hand
and i hope it's soon -
it's no fun holding your own hand.

2008-12-18T15:43:00.004-05:00

i think that someone should bottle this up, this wintry mix, and when people are craving
some ice chips and some snow flakes
with a little light freezing rain and some high mph winds,
they can go to their convience store and buy up a box or two.
yum. winter.

one more day until break. that's what i'm talking about.
hellllll yeahhhhh.
i am so excited - oh man.
so. fucking. excited.

2008-12-17T07:15:00.002-05:00

Have You Ever Seen The Rain?
-BramBura33 [Deviant Art]

This is beautiful. Our weather right now is 32 degrees but it's supposed to feel like 19. Last night, it snowed and collected on the ground for a few hours. It was supposed [what an ugly word if you say it over and over again..] to get bad to drive and there was going to be a storm - there wasn't. I don't really want the snow. I want the rain. When there is a dark sky and rain whipping against the windows at school, some people get worried or irritated. I always get distracted - it's just really beautiful to me. It makes me feel safe. I hope it rains a lot over break. So I can find someone to run in it with. I still want to do that and I feel like the person that I have to do that with is a boy. I know if I were stuck out in the rain with one of my girl friends, we'd run. But I just feel like running in the rain is something you should do laughing and it's something you should do with a boy who will kiss you when you break through the front door and hold your hand to dry it off. I've seen the rain but I haven't seen it like I want to yet. Maybe if you came back we could do it together. I'm not even going to weigh the chances. They aren't in my favour. But I'd like to think that if [you said 'if' and then you said 'not if, when i come back' which made me very happy. I hate what happened last time; I still do, I still think about it all. the. time. I still worry that you won't want to take any chances with me and for me, you're the only one I want to take chances with ] you come back to me, I could think of it a little more realistically. The day is coming up relatively soon and I want you back here more than anything. Maybe I'll ask you next time I see you. Maybe I'll tell you about the rain. Maybe I'll tell you everything. I want to. I just don't want to break us again. We didn't really break last time - that's not fair. We kind of fell apart and I feel like we're over the phase of overworking but we're still working at it. I'm not going to bring that up - it's sensitive, I know. But maybe if you'd ask, I'd tell you about the rain. About how much I'd like to see it with you. I feel like your the only one who can make it stop so why can't we see it together? That way I'd really want it since you could stop it if it got too heavy. I might tell you if you'd ask -

"I'd like to see the rain with you sometime" I'd say
and you'd say "And I'd like to see it with you."
And we'd both know what we meant. And then we'd would smile.

Please?

2008-12-16T07:16:00.002-05:00

"still is the life of your room when you're not inside and all of your things tell the sweetest story line - your tears on these sheets and your footsteps down the hall. so tell me what i did because i can't find where the moment went wrong at all.. you can be mad in the morning, i'll take back what i said but just don't leave me alone here. it's cold baby, come back to bed.."

John Mayer is a god. I wish someone would sing this to me. And be upstairs when I went back to bed. I don't like being alone but I've gotten used to it. I'm trying to do new things. Yesterday I told myself that I was going to do 4 new things by Friday. I plan on doing one today. And I have to tell you, the millions that I'm sure read this every day, it's exciting to think that something new is going to happen. It's almost a reason to get up in itself. So, I'll tell you all this Friday what 4 new things I did. I'm sure you all are dying to know ..

2008-12-15T21:08:00.002-05:00

twenty minutes have gone by and i've been writing a really long list of reasons why i love this picture, why it makes me feel like the world is beautiful, and why i want to run away. and i realized about a minute ago that none of those words matter because those words are only. words. they don't mean anything to anyone and i want to do something that someone notices and means something to them. i want someone to see something of mine and feel alive, feel happy. and i want someone to see something in me which makes them alive and happy. everyone is doing such great things with their time and everyone is doing such great things with each other. it's the same story over and over again of how i feel invisible but i don't anymore. i don't feel invisible - i just feel like what's left of who i thought i wanted to me is flickering with each new day's sunlight. i get energy from the car headlights on the highway. i get energy from the flutter of my shutter. i get energy from your voice and your laugh and you. i get energy from the things that i'm losing hold of and i can't get myself through 100%. i see photos like this and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" and i see couples in the hallways and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" and i read of the adventures that you all go on and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" i don't know. i'm just tired and i just want to tell you everything that i want and everything that i need and just everything. but you can't even call me when we're supposed to talk. and then you won't bring it up because .. i don't know why not. i don't know if you don't notice or if you don't care or both or if you think you can't ask or if you think i'd tell you if i wanted and you don't want to bother me. it's the same thing that this comes back to - i want to tell you everything everyday all the time and i want to tell them to you as i hold your hand. it just hurts to see everyone going off and doing great things. i don't feel all that great. i feel like i need to be great and i want to be great so damn bad that i'm just meeting half way of my expectations. i want to take pictures like this. i want to make someone feel as alive as this makes me feel but i don't know if i can make that big of a gesture with something these days. i don't know if i can make anyone feel alive because i want to have someone see me so much that i just fade back and hope they'll find me. we'll talk this friday. it's always about you - as much as i'm cold to you and as much as i'd like to think to myself that you don't really care and that i can be self loathing - i don't know what you think. and i don't know if i should tell you anything or if you ask, what should i tell you then? because the truth could kill your buzz from anything - it's already getting at me.

2008-12-15T07:16:00.002-05:00

one week.
that's it - five days. and then i'm free for awhile.
i just gotta make it through. i can do that.
one week starts now.
and i can do it.

2008-12-13T21:25:00.003-05:00

i need you to believe in me back.
because i have so much belief that you are going to be so great
and i know that i can be great too.
but i just need you to be there for me -
i just want you to believe in me
because it matters a lot to me
that you do
and i think that you do believe in me
but i just need a reminder every once in awhile
because i get scared that no one sees it anymore
and it's harder for me to believe in myself
if i don't know that you believe in me
i want to have a deep conversation with you again.
i know that we're good together
we're smarter, we're higher,
whatever
i'm not anything if i don't have people believing in me
so,
let's talk again.
and let's let you tell me that i am going to be great
and i'll tell you that you are going to be great
and we'll laugh
and we'll smile
and we'll feel good.
and i'll feel good.
because i believe in you.
believe in me.

2008-12-13T13:06:00.002-05:00

i don't know - i'm trying to keep myself outside.
i'm trying to keep myself photographing.
i'm trying to keep myself loving life.
but i think right now, all i have the energy for is liking today.
and that's carpe diem esque, right? it's not as far as going out and just going nuts for a day.
and just loving and laughing and living.
but i'm liking today.
despite all the shit that could be worrying me, that could be bringing me down.
i'm just letting the sunshine bathe me today
and the music pour into my ears.
and i'm going out.
and i'm going to photograph life.
i'm going to get things that make me happy
to photograph them, to capture them,
to get it on film for me to remember in a few years.
that i was just outside.
and i was just with the sun and with a friend.
it's not as easy to walk out that door
and it doesn't solve everything,
i'll always be there for you and i'll always be waiting for you.
but today, i can't sit and wait.
today, i'll walk around and that won't mean that i'm waiting so much anymore.
and that won't solve everything -
it doesnt and i know that it doesn't.
but i have to take the first step.
i have to just go up and get out.
there's a front door upstairs.
that you walked into one time before.
and i haven't been able to want to walk out without you being on the other side,
your bag in hand and your guitar next to you
the sun was bright that today.
but it's bright today too.
you won't be on the other side.
and you most likely won't be on the other line
i have to decide what to do and i've decided that
i'm walking out.
i'm walking out that door
and i'm living life with like today.

2008-12-12T07:10:00.002-05:00

This is also from the Holga [Art and Life] Blog
This is what I'm talking about.
I'm really excited for this weekend so I can go and get my stuff
and then shoot. And I don't have to deal with people for it either.
That'll just make it less tiring because I'll be able to move around and manipulate the blender
and all the objects like I want because honestly you can't MAKE someone do what you want
Not unless you've got a check with their name on it and their name is Model #43
Well, that was mean to models. Models are individuals too.
Beautiful ones that we don't have access to no matter how many times we say we should
I can't wait, I can NOT wait., until I get older
And I can go out and put a model up in a skyscraper or in the middle of a busy road
And just get them to pose so I can have beautiful images
And I can not wait. To travel.
Go somewhere great
and take pictures.
Oh, it's going to be so fun.

2008-12-12T07:07:00.001-05:00

I found this on the Holga [Art and Life] Blog : http://holga.tumblr.com/
Granted, this doesn't capture the 'beauty' of using a Holga.
But it's so damn cute
I love my journal
I really do.
I wish it looked like this :]

2008-12-11T06:35:00.001-05:00

i'm wearing my "superwoman" boots today
i feel like shit. i just want to feel better.
so, thus the boots.
we'll see if i can save anyone.
maybe i'll find myself along the way.
that's a lot to expect out of boots.
but i don't care. they have buckles.
keep me grounded when i try and get out of here

2008-12-11T06:34:00.000-05:00

2008-12-11T06:33:00.002-05:00

romance.

2008-12-09T07:06:00.002-05:00

three things about romance from these past two days:
1. "Shayna, I'm a sucker for this romance stuff. Even if it's from someone weird" Alyssa
2. "What days are you free? We're having a valentines day dance at temple" Allison
3. " I got your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back.
It's true romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then in the head." Giles iPod

my reactions:
1. Yeah. Me too. I'm always going to be willing to tell someone I'll run away with them. I'm always going to want to kiss someone in the rain. I'm always going to think that songs about girls and how much you love them are about me and how much you love me. I'm always going to daydream about huge gigantic gestures in the hallways during school so everyone knows that I have a boyfriend and he loves me enough to do crazy things for me.
2. I'm free all of those days. Know why? I don't make plans. Not this far in advance at least. I don't like Valentine's Day. I want to. I know that I love it. But I don't let myself like it because I'm alone.
3. That's what I'm talking about. Despite this being my head-banger mood at the moment, I think that I will always love the idea of love letters and secretly be writing you them in my head so that when you want to, I'll buy stationary and write them all down, send them to your house, and have you smile. I think letters are so romantic and I don't think people send each other those anymore. Not as much as I think they should at least. But I'll always be ready to write someone a love letter and I think I'm always ready for no one to ask me to.

It's the winter now. It's cold and it's snowing. I've got John Mayer now singing about being together with a girl through all the holidays because no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. And I don't think anyone is either. I'm bitter. True. But I'm also hopelessly romantic. And I still think that if I left my shade up at night, a boy would come and throw rocks at my window. Or if I was walking home from school, he would come and pick me up and take me away. Or if I were sitting by myself somewhere, he'd swing in to sit next to me and hold my hand no matter what we were doing, what was going on, or who was around.

But then again, I keep myself warm at night with a blanket and not by the thoughts of you coming through for me on the whole let's show her how much we love her side.

2008-12-05T07:01:00.002-05:00

"i don't know what to do. next,
i'll have to go into your house,
rip the iPod earphones from you,
and put a gun to your head"

i love it when we get positive feedback in photo. yeah right.
i've had a headache for the past two weeks.
it's finally friday.
i'm trying really hard not to kick people today; i'm grumpy.
my email exploded and there wasn't anything i wanted to look at
so i decided to boycott it and not look at it until tonight.
that makes me feel powerful somehow, to not check it.

i'm just trying really hard and the thing is, i know i could be trying even harder.
but it's hard to do that because everything IS so hard. bleh.
i'm turning in some work tonight. we'll see

2008-12-04T06:53:00.001-05:00

that was cute.
i think that this will just take a little back and forth
which is completely fine
maybe a lesson or two on punctuation, huh? :P
i don't feel nervous around you, i feel comfortable.
maybe it's the deli counter..i don't know.
but you don't make me nervous so i'm really glad.
we'll work this through a little more - see what happens.
you're cute. that email was cute.

2008-12-02T21:33:00.007-05:00

i want something great to happen.
please.

2008-12-01T07:09:00.003-05:00

i could tell myself that i forgot i saw this
or that i forgot there was this organization
but that wouldn't be true
i know it's out there and i know there's help too
but when i see someone send something like that in,
it reminds me that other people are struggling too
and i would have thought that knowing that
and reading that
would have made me feel better and made me feel stronger
but the truth is, i'm still weaker than i'm telling people
and i'm still weaker than i'd like to tell myself even
i know i'm getting there
and that i took a few good steps in the right direction
but it's really, really hard to stay in that direction
and to stay that grounded.
it's just really hard
i thought seeing this would help but it just makes me uncomfortable
and i know that my situation makes everyone uncomfortable too
because it is an uncomfortable situation
i wish i could change but i'm having trouble still
and i don't think that i want to
because when i saw this and these words,
i wanted to forget that i had
and that makes me think that i wanted to forget about hope

2008-11-30T12:46:00.003-05:00

"You know how in dreams you're always trying to get to someplace you need to be but you never really get there? I wish I could wake up"

2008-11-30T00:20:00.002-05:00

i guess it's natural that towards the end of a break,
that anxious feeling returns.
i watch and listen to other people's lives
and i always feel like running away afterwards.
because i really try to find good things here
and there are good things.
i know that -
and it's just that the idea of a better life
is not that far off, i'm sure.
i'm trying to live less in the future
less in the idea of a better life
but actually having one.
i was going to email you earlier tonight
when i watched a movie and thought of you
and then i saw christmas lights and thought of you.
and then i saw whole foods and thought of you.
and how nice it would be if you worked in that one
instead of down there.
you mentioned moving next year
but i'm ignoring that for right now
because i hope you know that that's not going to be okay
unless of course you move here.
or you move where i go.
and that's selfish to just want you to be where i am.
but i know that it's selfish and i still don't care.
i miss you more that i should and more than i thought i could.
but that's just the way it is
and that's just the way it's always going to be.
because i've been missing you more and more ever since the first time.
i liked that we talked the other day.
it really relaxed me and it was totally unexpected.
and it was EASY.
it was so. damn. easy.
you drove, you called, i answered, we talked.
and we talked about everything.
we talked about our schools, our relationships, our lives, our dreams.
and it was just so nice.
but damn you. because that morning was the first morning that i had woken up
and i hadn't missed you and i hadn't thought of you.
and now, your in my head 439% again.
and i don't mind you being there -
i just wish that i knew what your percentage of me was.

i blame my mind most of the time -
i read books, i write stories, i watch movies, i listen to music, i see couples
and i just continue to fantasize about this escape and this safety that i'll get
if only you'd let me in your arms for longer than a hug.
and when i write, i have to get out of this idea of us working out.
because it's completely unrealistic.
well, not completely.
and that's the problem.
my dreams are way too big for my head.
and i read about other people being together and going the distance
and i can't help but just want to call you or email you and just have it shake you.
have you just be moved to talk to me more.
because i love. it. when we talk.
your probably my favorite person to talk to.
and that's why i can't let myself just go whenever i do
because if i did,
first of all, we'd all be talking.
i'd always be sending you things, i'd always be telling you something
but second of all, you'd know so much more than you'd want.
and it's almost like i want to tell you everything because of this summer
and i want to tell you nothing because of the same summer.

i'm going to go to bed and i'm going to send you the email that i wanted to send you a few hours ago in the morning. because that message is simpler and is nicer and is just going to be more fun to read than if i talked to you know. of course, ever since you called that one morning, i can't help but keep my phone on all night. getting woken up by you was the best.

who knows. maybe tomorrow i won't wake up with you as my first thought. maybe i'll wake up and remember all the things i have to do in reality. and maybe that'll distract me.

i'm trying not to be anxious because this break was fun.
and the next one is soon.
but i want to talk to you again. and i want you to want to talk to me like you did when you called.
i always feel like i'm bothering you. because it bothers me because i know that you're busy and i know that i expect too much. i just have to be careful. there's more people involved than i'll ever be willing to admit to. but i have to choose my words carefully and i have to email you in the morning when my head is cleared.