"We all live in a house of fire..

..No fire department to call. No way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns down the house...with us trapped, locked in it."
"When so many are lonely as seems to be lonely it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone"
_Tennessee Williams

"Who knows what true happiness is? Not the conventional word, but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory. Or some illusion."
_Joseph Conrad

"There will always be something to ruin our lives. It all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken."
_Charles Bukowski

.

i was watching a movie tonight
and i really couldn't figure out what happened in my mind
i know that earlier today, i was feeling slip-py
and i figured going out would be the fix but what frustrates me is that i came home
and i was watching that movie
and again, i let my mind wander off and get off of its track
i wish it was as simple as reaching into my head and just fumbling around with the car of all my thoughts and then putting it back onto the tracks and letting it go straight again. but i can't figure out what happened that i fell off again. maybe i wasn't on so securely the first time, i don't know. i'm getting a bad feeling that i faked whatever was fine. i'm not really sure what is going on. i want things to be better, i do. or maybe i don't. i don't really know.
i just want to know what's going on. if i knew at least, it'd be better. i hope so. i don't know what to do. last time i was like alright, do this, do that, tell them, do this, it'll be good. but now i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm off track for sure. that's all i do know.
is knowing that better? or maybe i need to be floating around more and then i wouldn't be in this place at all if i were ignorant to what was going on. i don't know.

.

i still can't figure out what it is or what to do.

"And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not..What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me. Root for others. Give more and expect the same in return, but over time."
-John Mayer [blog]

i'm getting concerned

that i'm losing sight of what i want and who i want to be.
i can't really help thinking that i'm changing myself whenever it's convenient
and making myself up for whoever is watching
in order to make myself more desirable or more attractive to them
and i think i would be fine, unfortunately, if it were working
but i can't find out even who i should be for someone let alone who i can be for myself.
i don't even know what i should do to fix it
or i mean i guess i don't know even if i want to fix it
i think i have to work on distancing myself from what i think is screwing me up.
maybe it's so i can look more dramatic but maybe it'll look
i really want things to be better, things to be happier again and stay that way
i don't really know what's wrong and i'm getting worried since i can't really pinpoint
what gets me to do the things i do or say. i don't know. i'm drifting slowly to the wrong side
of who i should be and who i want to be.

the list

themellotwitch83: okay so lets make an alternating list of things that annoy us
themellotwitch83: until we run out
lissyloo21: ok
themellotwitch83: and then we'll feel better
lissyloo21: ok
themellotwitch83: go ahead
lissyloo21: lol well ok um
lissyloo21: 1. Trevor writing that fucking review
themellotwitch83: 2. trail of tears
lissyloo21: 3. people still not apologizing about that or even really caring
themellotwitch83: 4. people making promises they cant keep
lissyloo21: 5. pham being a jerk and not caring about what I'm telling him
themellotwitch83: 6. jos not talking to em
lissyloo21: 7. dylan talking to me and not shutting up about his amazing movie skills
themellotwitch83: 8. emma blowing me off now that she found someone better
lissyloo21: 8. pham getting depressed and then not telling me what's wrong with him
themellotwitch83: 9. grace dating
lissyloo21: 10. molly getting whtaever she wants
themellotwitch83: 11. not being able to figure out what i want
lissyloo21: 12. not being able to talk well with T
themellotwitch83: 13. not being able to be in columbus
lissyloo21: 14. liking a lot of boys a little but none of them a lot
themellotwitch83: 15. being rejected for attention in photography
lissyloo21: 16. T not kissing me
themellotwitch83: 17. being lonely
lissyloo21: 18. realizing that I never change
themellotwitch83: 19. blaming other people for my unhappiness
lissyloo21: 20. not being able to stop myself from being a bitch
themellotwitch83: 21. covering up things with jokes
lissyloo21: 22. feeling like I have a lot of acquaintences but not many friends
themellotwitch83: 23. trying to hard to fit in
lissyloo21: 24. the fact that sex and being a slut will always matter to boys
themellotwitch83: 25. confusing lust for more
lissyloo21: 26. feeling like I can't trust anyone
themellotwitch83: 27. feeling like im not good enough
lissyloo21: 28. being shy
themellotwitch83: 29. regretting a lot of things that i did/didn't do
lissyloo21: 30. guilt
themellotwitch83: 31. expecting too much in return
lissyloo21: 31. taking responsibility for other people's problems
lissyloo21: 32*
themellotwitch83: 33. not putting myself first
lissyloo21: 34. hating how I used to be
themellotwitch83: 35. fearing what i;ll become
lissyloo21: 36. fearing that life doesn't get any better
themellotwitch83: 37. losing what is good
lissyloo21: 38. feeling like I have to work extra hard just to be on par with everyone else looks-wise
themellotwitch83: 39. not being noticed anyways
lissyloo21: 40. feeling like a loser
themellotwitch83: 41. wanting someone to not just understand how i feel but make me feel better
lissyloo21: 42. not knowing how to help
themellotwitch83: 43. destructive behavior
lissyloo21: 44. feeling ashamed of my music taste
themellotwitch83: 45. wanting to be someones muse
lissyloo21: 46. not having enough time and wasting what there is
themellotwitch83: 47. not being able to relax
lissyloo21: 48. always being tired
themellotwitch83: 49. not having enough patience
lissyloo21: 50. being afraid of something happening to my mom
themellotwitch83: 51. worrying about death constantly
lissyloo21: 52. my parents fighting
themellotwitch83: 53. wanting my mom to leave
lissyloo21: 54. my dad's sleeping problems
themellotwitch83: 55. worrying too much
lissyloo21: 55. worrying about my brother
lissyloo21: 56
lissyloo21: *
themellotwitch83: 57. wanting a legitimate reason for being sad
lissyloo21: 58. being such a gossip
themellotwitch83: 59. having too many secrets
lissyloo21: 60. not wanting to burden my mom
themellotwitch83: 61. confiding in the wrong people
lissyloo21: 62. T asking 'what r u doing?'
themellotwitch83: 63. being mean
lissyloo21: 64. being a hypocrite
themellotwitch83: 65. creating drama
lissyloo21: 66. drama club
themellotwitch83: 67. wanting to be little again
lissyloo21: 68. being afraid of getting fat
themellotwitch83: 69. wanting individuality
lissyloo21: 70. exaggerating to get sympathy
themellotwitch83: 71. making things up to be liked
lissyloo21: 72. a lot more people wanting to date molly than me on spark on facebook
themellotwitch83: 73. being afraid of not getting another boyfriend
lissyloo21: 74. being afraid of never having another relationship like pham
themellotwitch83: 75. being too rash
lissyloo21: 76. being afraid that I'm going against what's meant to happen
themellotwitch83: 77. depending too much on things just working out
lissyloo21: 78. wanting so many things
themellotwitch83: 79. being dedicated to the wrong things
lissyloo21: 80. feeling let down after good things wear off
themellotwitch83: 81;. not being happy for long
lissyloo21: 82. missing a piece on my puzzle
themellotwitch83: 83. not practicing enough of my guitar
lissyloo21: 84. for some reason feeling like being unhappy makes you likeable
themellotwitch83: 85. thinking things can be solved with talking them out
lissyloo21: 86. feeling guilty for being friends with my brother's friends
themellotwitch83: 87. being irritated for not having more 'friends' on facebook
lissyloo21: 88. comparing how many wall posts I get to how many other people get
themellotwitch83: 89. disliking relationship updates
lissyloo21: 90. being addicted to the computer
themellotwitch83: 91. using emails and letters as a crutch
lissyloo21: 92. wishing I was funnier
themellotwitch83: 93. wanting more time
lissyloo21: 94. talking on the phone
themellotwitch83: 95. not being able to get in touch with people
lissyloo21: 96. being paranoid of getting bad news
themellotwitch83: 97. expecting the worst
lissyloo21: 98. not wanting to think about college
themellotwitch83: 99. having too many choices
lissyloo21: 100. wishing I was closer with my dad and feeling guilty about it

check soon for 100 happy.

note to self: don't die

i told myself after one tree hill
"i'll go back to studying APUSH after i check my email [none] and my facebook [nothing]"
and then i thought "i'll open my itunes. and that'll determine my mood"
now, maybe if it had been something happy, i would have thrown it away. but since it wasn't- i took it. cheating? i think not. i'm not sad, i'm just lonely. i have expectations for some[one]things that could or couldn't work out. obviously. then the itunes went into regina spektor with the lyrics repeating "you're so god damn young" and that secondly got me to thinking..
i'll make a note to myself not to die. [thanks ryan adams]
and under that i'll remind myself that i'm just so god damn young [thanks regina spektor]
and the thing[s] that i'm counting on aren't that feasible right now.
i have to remind myself that I AM young and he's not. or he's not as young i should say. we're all just a bunch of kids when it gets down to the grit. watching one tree hill always does this too me. and when it gets late at night. and uh, in general? i need something drastic to happen to wake me up again because right now- i'm just kind of coasting along and that's not great. i was listening to 'first time' [thanks hawk nelson] while i was walking home and i was feeling a little shook up- a little like i could get it all done, i could study that damn APUSH, i could make him and i work, i could make me work. but it's just a song and songs end. this one ended after 2:37.

i need to start studying again.
btw elissa and i got the same grade on a chem test today as did molly. that made me happy. now it's not a great grade [and it sucks pretty much] but i guess i felt like i wasn't so far behind if they could do bad[ly] once in a while too. i dont know, i'm just looking for more than i can get i think. and i think maybe i'm looking too much into what i do have.

i need to start studying. screw the again. i need to start.
i need to make myself proud and not have to rely on my dad to make me feel good about myself because frankly, that's been kind of a let down. he's told me to learn in spite with dewitt, with other subjects too. but i don't think he knows that i've been trying to learn in spite of him.
so to wrap up, i'm making a note to myself not to die, i'm really so god damn young, i'm one step and two steps closer to feeling alive and for the last time i'm falling behind [thanks again hawk nelson]

so i need to start studying.

"your arms are the only ones that fit in mine

your heartbeat keeps mine on time."

I'm going back down to Columbus this Saturday. I am beyond excited. I think I'm going to get addicted to those drive[s]. I feel like this is going somewhere too; I made Joey some flyers and he liked them, I kicked ass at my guitar lesson, I didn't slip in my new shoes. This life thing is definitely going some place good. And I'm beginning to think it's him and his music. I've found something good and I can't wait to find more of it this weekend. I. Am. So. Happy.

Now press repeat.

and my

fingers itched to play again tonight.
i picked up and retuned my ole guitar
and then got the song stuck in my head for the rest of the night
ben would be proud, i tapped out the pattern
but kaprosy would be mad, i'm not using comma's correctly.
this weekend is about to be nuts again.
i get to see joey play again.
and i.
am.
really.
excited.
i really would have loved him coming to the party
but i understand.
kindofnotreallyijustwantedhimtocome.
but it's okay because of the video post
which uhm is the cutest thing ever
and he'll be surprised to see me
i'm bringing more art
and my valentine for him
and a translation of it haha.

and is there

way to search new blogs and NOT have them be in like japanese or french or something?
i tried sneaking in an exclamation point- guess the rule still stands.
have a great tuesday everyone. [which in parallelism is actually referring to just one]

ohthereisa

big storm going on outside[insert exclamation point]
so yesterday was the day of injury man.
i was stapling my homework sheets [which i got 100% on] and i jabbed myself with the staple and had to go get a bandage
and then i tripped on the chords for the lights in photo
and then i slammed my thumb in the door of my locker. so. haha. it was like 1..2..3..okay[insert exclamation point] i'm fine [insert exclamation point] (I guess those are illegal characters here?)
but then i hit my head on the freezer and stubbed my toe on the grocery cart.
i guess my number is 5 instead of 3.
and in five days...speaking of segways? like that?
i'mhavingmyparty. we're buying so much stuff.
i keep thinking that it's friday so far because i'm so excited.
joe said he was coming so that'sgreat. i had to try not to get my hopes up and i still have to remember to be like calmish about the whole process. i'm just so excitied.
i really wanted him to be there :]
i was talking to tali and we were like how would we introduce him? and then jesse fisher was like are you talking about facebook?[stupid exclamation point rule sucking my excitement out] and i wasn't sure if she was like interested or like taunting us?
so i was just like 'yeah.' and went back to selling bagels.
annie emailed me back last night and i got a nice boy honesty box 'quite possibly the coolest person i know' and of course the only thing about those is that i want to know who sent it haha.
it could have been jake, he was commenting on videos and writing on my wall-maybe he just added that to the package. but it's tougher because like you don't have to be 'friends'friends to write in it so it could have been anyone. but whoever, it was sweet. i was hoping it wasn't creepster and i'm glad that it wasn't. i made a new cover for my new journal last night- it's okay. i still love the other one more but i guess that this'll have to do until i can make it as huge as the other one. it's just kind of boring now is all but i guess so was the other one at the beginning.
i have to remember that we have portfolios due tomorrow for our ap entrance- i'm pretty sure if you sign up and you're like fine, they take you. scheduling classes this year was so stupid and it's going to be so messed up; i can only imagine. since it's storming bad again, we're going to shut down the computerss.

a toast

so i was checking my grades.
i'm not pleased that my spanish went to a B+ after all that.
but it's like a B+ .2 percent away from an A so yknow that's okay.
it's a new semester.
i'm ready to make some people proud.
including myself.
and fuck my dad right now about it.
i mean come on,
i'm not like my friends yknow
and i'm not like my brother either
but i have to be willing to stop saying that just because i'm not like them
doesn't mean that i can't get to be like them
and get the grades i know i can get
so let's just start over
because i'm glad with what i had
and i'm glad of what is coming ahead
and i'm toasting it off
with kool-aid. :]

i really enjoy

fortune cookies.
and i've dipped into some pretty sweet music lately.
-jamie cullum's pointless nostalgic (in particular: well you needn't)
-the hoodies (in particular: asleep in me)
-school boy humor (in particular: summer camp)
-jamestown story (in particular: goodbye i'm sorry)
-clap your hands say yeah (in particular: over and over again)
-joe hendrickson's standing in, blending out (in particular: love me the same)

-PENSIVE (in particular: red letter day)

-nikki goodrich (in particular: i'm gonna be your bride)
and i've got the general feel gooders with:
-citizen cope
-gavin degraw
-horrorpops
-the hush sound
-madison rose
-just off turner
-backseat goodbye
-my american heart
-pj harvey
-michael greenberg
-the spill canvas
-meg & dia
-jonathan clay
and of course my big if i met him i'd die mr john mayer
got my addiction too? share what you want. i love the linkage.
music is the cure. [haa, i crack myself up]
and much better than my chem final.
i'm taking that in 30 minutos. cheer me on?

inspiration

so the
weekend is almost over- we had our kallah.
it was pretty intense, we were always doing something for someone.
they gave us walkie talkies which was pretty cool.
i tried to fit in best i could but i liked having a little safety net to jump into
when i was too uncomfortable.
i cried a little in the bathroom on saturday night towards the end.
i reminded myself that it was only one weekend and all i had to do was have fun.
i danced the next dance but i took time to "hide out" like tali said.
i guess it insulted me
i mean i was trying.
and so i was just trying to fit in but i knew i didn't really.
someone asked me if i'd go to spring
i won't. i won't have a next to be in if i do.
i'm just more comfortable
on a smaller level.
i'll work on it.
maybe.
but-

"i think i've learned tonight how inspiration can run in circles .. and come back to hit you right when you need it."

so.
maybe it'll be okay if i let it hit me when i need it.
because right now,
i'd like to be hit
and hit hard.

the rain finally stopped

"I think it's stopped raining"
"Maybe it finally has"

i think it's going to be alright now.
i wasn't so sure there for awhile ..
but this will fix things up real nice.
i told my dad that i needed to escape,
that i needed this.
and i do. and i think when i walk in, i'll be alright.
i know that this will work.
i really do.

and yeahhhh ..
why's that? why has all the storm gone away?
because that's right.

i'm going to columbus tonight.
whatttt?
to see that boyy. ^
up there.
right there.

excited? much? [that's an understatement folk]
oh yess. i'm sososooooooooooooo so. so...... soso hyped.
i can't even describe what i'm feeling about going.
wait. what's that? happiness? pure? happiness?
i know things can't be bad forever.
i mean, they have to get better, right?
and so, why not let them get better tonight.
this is going to work - this is going. to. work.

and while i'm there,
getting my soul and heart
and mind and body re-energized,
...
you all should listen to his music.
because it's amazing.
beyond amazing. indescribably amazing.
really, it's amazing.

Joseph Conrad:
who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word but the naked terror? to the lonely themselves it wears a mask.
the most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.

Michael Greenberg

From the first note of A Touch So Pure to the last strum of Valentine, Michael Greenberg wraps you up warm with a blanket of lyrics and tucks you in with musical medleys. You’ll wake up with his tunes on your lips and his chords ringing in your ears.

Catchy, light guitar work accompanies cute openings and clever endings in songs such as Tag Along, where you might just leave feeling hungrier than you came. We left without questioning won’t have you asking anything but where and when you can get your hands on a fresh batch of Michael’s work.

Greenberg will sweep you into listening for a full 11 minutes with his narrative-esque song of The Truth of Bees and Birds. A fresh sound in both Blue and Portrait of Katy flutter the heart and Michael’s rich voice adds to making every song stand strongly on their own. Each song, however, compliments the next perfectly on his first full length album “The Truth of Bees and Birds” His slightly scruffy beard, dreamy eyes, and concentrated smile give a peek into where the inspiration sprouts from for this emerging undergrad.

Take your time, he’ll always be there but don’t wait too long- it’ll only take one chance to see all the signs pointing ‘yes’ to exploring the world Michael Greenberg will invite you in to show you what love is really like through the six strings of his guitar and the soft sound of his singing. Now go kids, go get serenaded at a coffee shop nearest you.

fuck

so something i've noticed.

everyone either
1) has depression
2) is developing depression
3) is suicidal
4) has an eating disorder
5) has sex
6) wants to have sex

everyone under any of the 6 choices is
1) a sophmore
2) slump[ed]
3) in my group of friends
4) deciding to tell me about it without waiting for the person before them to get over themselves

nice, huh.

two quick things i noticed

since my blog is now white again.
i can put different colored text
[would you be my friend if i typed like that 24/7? i wouldn't :] ]
and have it show.
i flagged and unflagged my blog about 6 times in panic.
but it's all good.
and now kids;

the time for sleep.
is now.

so i avoided

this blog for a mini second.
because i thought that it was still a black background
and not that that was a problem, after all i picked in
but i much rather enjoy chad sugg and the green.

and i also enjoyed:
it being the weekend
black chip raspberry icecream
looking cool in matt's car
reading chapter 14
watching While You Were Sleeping (it got so cute at the end)
finding a slew of new music
and more de capulet finally downloaded.
er i mean, somehow legally going onto Harrison

but then again i didn't really like:
seeing that D (THOUGH it is a very high D, just 2% from a C again so it'll be fine)
for APUSH because i know i'm not trying hard enough
feeling slightly nauseous after eating my salad
(and then eating strange butter)
not being able to not obsess over messages
it being the end of the weekend

let's compare: 6 enjoy[ed]
4 [not]enjoy
- the weekend yay and nah cancel:

so it was a good sunday :]

i just am:

W&skadjs76S^%*&*)(sakjsyhd^

and

Kjhdskdsa11*&weuysdhsdy

and

7^%Ssadkjsadlkdsjdskfy78^%Dsz.


aka. stressed.

when this

day/week is over i'll be
-happier
-sleeping again
-going to homecoming
-counting down to new york and chicago
-figuring out why i've felt sick on and off for the last week?
-wishing the next one didn't start so soon.

speak slow, tell me love where do we go... ah ah
where do we go...ah ah
i'm so far away and i just can't see you i'm
so far along and i just don't need you
i am so ah-alone

Jane

Jane

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

When you tossed over a thinning bundle

Of green yarn with the softest handle

Your smile met my unsure eyes

Silencing any goodbye

That would inevitably have to come only a few days later

When the summer would be a traitor

To the fall and then the winter

Leaving us behind to blunder

But not alone

Because now I see there won’t be any unknown

For whenever I get weak,

I can just imagine you speak

The words you said to me; the compliments you paid

That day with other details fading

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

Tears dripping elegantly down your small face

You embraced

Me so tightly

The whisper only slightly

In my ear of how

Just now

You listened to my ‘xtreme’

(We’ll always cherish that theme)

And you were proud, in awe even

But you didn’t hear my thoughts of how you had given me something to believe in

From that confidence

And patience

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

The late night talks you and I had made

Promises wrapped tightly around crayons, bathroom stalls and parades

Down uneven asphalt roads

Supposedly empty; until found by loads

With dancing flashlights, a flickering moonlight

There was no invite

But then again, none of them were uptight

The footsteps we took after the unexpected encounter

Had a fainter fluster

Though our giggles couldn’t be suppressed

Echoes from the two of us awfully impressive

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

The latest hug

So snug that it could have been a wonder drug

Your sniffles into my sleeve

Breaking my heart for I knew we’d have to leave

Though I had tried to be naïve

And weaving my fingers into yours one last time,

I tried to hold off in the meantime

My own tears followed by my own reluctance

From the upcoming absence and silence

Without you

The only saving grace being my feet housed by “J.C” socks stuffed into painted red shoes

I snagged from your shelf to my bag two years ago

To ensure a glow

When I was ready to toss in the towel

But found myself on a dial

To hear your sweet voice more

This year as sophomores

And then the infinite next

When we’re both vexed

But now, you won’t have to worry anymore or shed a single other tear

I’ll be here to lend an ear
My dear

Because you can always go back to this praise

I’ll be remembering these days

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

predictions

so i'm starting back on monday.
and i'm making myself a list of things that i want to have accomplished by the end of it. freshman year was one thing in itself. there were a lot of things that i expected to happen that didn't, a lot of things that happened that i didn't expect. maybe if i set them myself, i'll be more in control:

get a B+ in spanish [ ]
feel comfortable in photo [ ]
not get discouraged in APUSH [ ]
stay on top of studying [ ]
not get lower than a C+/B- on any of my finals [ ]
visit marci [ ]
try harder to get along with my mom [ ]
get kissed [ ]
learn to drive [ ]
do well, "not just passing", on the OGT's [ ]
make less mistakes [ ]
keep my friendships [ ]
babysit catie and allie [ ]
feel inspired to play [ ]
run at least once a week [ ]
feel good about who i am and what i look like [ ]
keep promises [ ]
snowboard in ski club [ ]
go to a concert [ ]
write my letters [ ]
keep going to temple [ ]
visit katia [ ]
send hilary her birthday package [ ]
take steps back when i feel overwhelmed [ ]
not to overload my schedule [ ]
balance peer pressure better [ ]
make a difference [ ]

the tally will be taken last day of school.

well.

so the last time that i talked to tj was over a week ago; we were supposed to get together to paint his guitar and i dunno, schedules conflicted and we never ended up getting together. so for a few days after that i just kind of let things be but then i called on sunday, left a message, called on monday, left a message, called today, left a message. i mean- school is starting monday [insert thunderclap here and lights dimming] but i would kind of like to see him or at least talk to him before then. and since i only have one way of talking to him, phone, it makes things more difficult because i can't email him or IM him and i guess that's my own fault for falling into modern ways of communication but i dunno, things would be easier that way. i think the thing that's starting to bother me is that i don't know where he is or what is going on. i mean if i knew he was on vacation or at work or something, that would be fine. but i dont want to have to start worrying that like something bad happened? i worry about that too often anyways. i was considering writing him a letter, we've done letters, but i dunno. i just wish i knew what was going on because i can't ask anyone, i don't know anyone that would know where he was.

that's just on top of my work that i had intended to finish.
i dunno. optimism! let's try to remember that one.

mike the mailman

so basically i was going to get into this blog and the 'we'll remember your password' thing ran out of time and i was left trying to remember what it could possibly be. so i figured, i'd just send a little 'you were supposed to remember this and now that you aren't then i need an email to reset it' message to my email. i go to my email and not one but four emails are there explaining how i should reset my password. as i was trying to figure out why i had four and how to reset it, i remembered my old password and went back to the homepage and logged in.

so i've been waiting anxiously for my schedule since i realized school will actually come like it has every other year and that maybe i'll be less nervous once i get my list [haha, who am i kidding]
today everyone else got theirs mid morning and i began pacing and wondering why we had to get our mail mid afternoon instead. however, i've always loved mike the mailman, mike came to our house early today! thrilling the experience was. so i got advanced photography like i wanted, have a nice lunch and good spanish class. three things i was worried about can now go away. now don't think that just because those things went vamos that the rest of it will be a breeze. but i am going to chicago in october and i have to remember that i have got to push myself for that. i want to be on my A game this year, no more 'meh meh i'm a little freshman and high school is for tough guys and i'm not'. no no, it'll be more like 'oh man, i am that tough guy, look at me go'


and then i'll drop my books and get lost in the hallways. but i can dream.
so take this, little good listener blog, as my promise that i won't be on a C or D game but an A game. alriiiight.

wrapped in a bow

oh blog i am quite sorry for neglecting you so.
i must say i've been unfaithful and given mr. livejournal more attention.
but here! alas! a journal entry from me to you wrapped in a bow!

ah the wrath of an angry sophomore at 3am.
so since i've dubbed 'allowed to be angry' onto myself;
i'll continue.
i've been working[prettyfairlyreally]hard on a history essay and only to my dismay [imayhaverealizedthisfromthegetgobutbeen

toostubborn] that my SUMMARY is almost three pages. uhm, the WHOLE THING has to be from 2-3. that would mean about one sentence to describe the murderer, two sentences to say two things i liked and didn't like about the book, and maybe if i'm lucky two sentences about the author's perspective. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhshit.
so once again, i take my mouse, and highlightandcut 10 sentences and dull down the other 20 so that i can write in the goddamn length requirement.
and to think that some kids have trouble writing two pages.
i wouldnt have so much of a problem if i didn't have to fucking double space it.
that makes some kids really happy. no,no, not me. not miss lets write a novel for every paper.
sakdjsakdjsdjksaasaksajdsakeuwieusa8desajkdjsakjsdkw3k298ekdqsadkj*&#jkskdjsad8&Ea83o8fdsajd.
and THAT'S even too long ^^
goodfuckingnightfuckers

oh too sad. you were hoping it was a NICE post? ahh. no wayy.

ah.

some thoughts:
a) i think tonight is going to start some very nice things for me.
b) i was at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding and i've always loved the idea of a wedding and how pretty a wedding can be, how sweet the couple is together.
c) irony plays a part and i am now in a reeeeeelatioship.
d) i'm already comfortable and ready to see where things go, how things work and what things are
e) it's about time
f) gooooood love is on the way


and a ps by the way: i could really go for a big glass of lemonade.
thats all folks <333

the awakening.

Read by Jason Heymann at the Anaf Campfires, Kallah Aleph, 2007.
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening…

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella (or vice versa) and that in the real world, there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process: a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything: it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt, responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the person on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love: and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 2 or 30 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.”

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and you won’t settle for less. You internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our sould; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving worth working for and that wishing for something to happen in different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers, it’s just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted: things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

backseat goodbye never gets old.

here's to you.
*cracks open assorted alcohol.
and what's this? you can drink it too?
jesus, why, that's fantastic!
you are the single greatest inspiration.

and to all of you that have no idea who i'm talking about- shame, shame.
chad sugg (backseat goodbye) is the best lyricist you can ever come across.
i don't know if you think that you've found your favorite band yet but if you haven't, and even if you have, he's your man. go now and swim around in his music.

june!

today was my last day of the hell week aka finals.
oh i am super happy.
there isn't any way to describe all the good things that happened to me today.
so! i'll list them all!

-multi grain cereal
-freshly sharpened pencils
-a ride to school
-desks on a slant facing NOT uphill
-cookies for lunch
-having a half an hour break where there was the potential to study but by the time that we all got to the cafeteria, it was time to go back
-not throwing up from the UPHILL desks
-A PERFECT AFTERNOON
-MY IPOD ARRIVING
-boston market for dinner
-donuts and muffins on sale
-putting a penny on the ground face up for someone to find
-figuring out that my iPod will. in fact. fit. in. my. pocket.
-eating the boston market
-sharing the news of my PERFECT AFTERNOON with everyone i know
-figuring out how to put the videos back on my camera after deleting them off of it
-one tree hill episode before season finale
-staying up late to play with my iPod and NOT HAVING TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.
-or for the rest of the summer
-SIX DAYS LEFT BEFORE I GO HOME AGAIN.

ps. i love you all.

molly.

i have a friend of mine
that i know i'll have forever since she makes me smile.
don't believe me? don't care? ackk too bad. now that you started reading, keep going. its gets better.

getzwigywithit: well that's a :)
getzwigywithit: and school's almost done
getzwigywithit: so you have two :) :)
getzwigywithit: and camp in two weeks
getzwigywithit: :) :) :)
TheMelloTwitch83: so im up to three
getzwigywithit: i'm counting your ":)"
TheMelloTwitch83: thank you :-)
TheMelloTwitch83: oh! four!
getzwigywithit: yes
getzwigywithit: and lets see
getzwigywithit: your friends with me
getzwigywithit: so now your up to seven
getzwigywithit: because i am worth three
TheMelloTwitch83: you are worth five
TheMelloTwitch83: im up to 10
getzwigywithit: woot!!
getzwigywithit: lets see
getzwigywithit: what else
getzwigywithit: it's sunny
getzwigywithit: so now we're at 11
TheMelloTwitch83: 11
TheMelloTwitch83: i found a good new song?
TheMelloTwitch83: 12?
getzwigywithit: yep
getzwigywithit: so there's tweleve
getzwigywithit: which is almost one for everyday until camp
TheMelloTwitch83: okay :-)
TheMelloTwitch83: 13!
getzwigywithit: so :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

i'm floating<3

stomach virus

oh im cursing whatever i ate.
stomach viruses stink because
a) apparently you get unreasonably grumpy
b) you give up on helping an issue that you should have given up long ago on
c) you lose interest in looking pretty the next day at school, happening to be a wednesday
d) the after taste of throw up is still lingering around in you which the satisfaction of actually throwing up
e) you constantly feel like you have a fever and you don't
f) the flavor of antacids doesn't favor at all between color, shape, size.

ps and by the way-"this doesn't make me very happy" can be the understatement for the year.

realistic

"i realized that i've been waiting for a really happy time in my life but i figured out the other day that there won't be something like that and i can't keep waiting..so, i have to pick up on all the little things and mentally just get over the crap. then it's okay"

i haven't heard anything this smart, this realistic, this right in awhile.
elissa is one of the few people that understands how to make me smile, how to get me out of the ditches and through the muck. so when she talked to me tonight and came to this realization, i came to my own realization that the next time someone asks me what my philosophy is- i'm going to tell them just that. its not cynical, its not pessimistic.
its just the way that things are.

backseat goodbye aka the greatest band your ears can hear

i figured 'hey. i posted this everywhere else i could since i'm just that much in love with his world, i might as well post it here'
plus, it blows off some steam from issues that have just been making themselves priority whether its my saying they are priority or not.

..well we could take off each other's clothes
or be best friends in the middle of the road
or we could just talk shit about tomorrow and it how it never adds up
well we could touch lips for the hell of it
it's a nice day and we're just kids
there's nothing to do anyway in this town made for two
i don't know what you meant
but i know what you said
about the big nights
about the blue sky
and the indifferent way you talk about the past you like
maybe you should write a book about it
or a song that we'll all sing along to
with la da da i'm so damn glad you moved to the city
and that's too bad you lost what you loved
it's an ugly world but you can smile all you want
well here we are in the back of your car
our hands move to the beat of our hips
no one has to know the truth about this
we we're "just out for a walk and a kiss or two"
i'll tell you girl you do a number on me
with those eyes i swear you stole from the sky
all i need, is you tonight
i don't know what you meant
but i know what you said
about the big nights
about the blue sky
and the indifferent way you talk about the past you like
maybe you should write a book about it
or a song that we'll all sing along to
with la da da i'm so damn glad you moved to the city
and that's too bad you lost what you loved
it's an ugly world but you can smile all you want
won't you meet at the sidewalk if you want
i know you know the whole truth and nothing but the
someone said you were leaving town soon
well if so then i am too
yeah we're a mess but that's fine 'cause it's me and you
well we could climb trees and lay in their leaves
they won't mind as long as we ask nice
you won't mind as long as i ask nice
or so i'm told
well we could carve hearts out of falling stars
chase the wind down the winding streets
ride in cars for hours to nowhere
we're a mess, but that's fine, 'cause it's you and me
we're a mess, but that's fine
we don't need no time to keep up with the days
you keep telling your lies
i'll keep singing these shitty love songs..

ladies and gentlemen. i think since you now have the lyrics to sidewalk sing along, we should go outside to sing it along.

ha. no seriously, he makes me trust old friends again, make new ones, and let my head follow my heart's lead.

so i think you'll get a big smile out of going to his site(s) to
a) listen to all of his songs
b) buy all of his merchandise
c) feel like living life to the greatest fulfillment

http://www.purevolume.com/backseatgoodbye
http://www.myspace.com/backseatgoodbye

http://backseatgoodbye.bigcartel.com/
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=26643815

and go from there. you all can manage your little fingers to click on all the other sites of his.
but i think you should go to them all. i do.

lets let our dream come true again.
Shayna

ps. his newest album comes out on the last day of my spring break so I've decided to celebrate that by finally scooping up his CDs and stickers galore.

pps. i realized now with my NEW AND IMPROVED DAZZLING ACCOUNT, I CAN ADD BULLET NUMBERING.
watch out world- we're about to have a party with that one.

-_____________________________________________-

technology and me.

alright alright.
before i get into the blog that i was trying to simply paste from my other spots to this one,
i ran into a bitofconfusion.

like i said, i expected to just hop and skip around the 'new blogger' feature to where i felt comfortable with my old one.

no such luck this time.
after about 8 times of trying to log in anyways, i realized the computer no longer feels the need to succumb and break down because i rebelled.
so then i tried to make a new account.
which took long enough in itself.

and THEN when i had successfully gotten into the 'new blogger'
i was greeted with bells and whistles which, again, i didn't want.
anyways, i gave in and broke up so
here i am.
practically in one piece.
now should i see what kind of new post options my 'new blogger' account has come with?!?

one day.

okay.
one more day before spring break and i can't even describe how elaaaaaated i am.
seriously, seriously, stoked.

i'm done with doing homework and studying for 10 days with the exception of beck.
but he's always giving work. most of which i kick and scream though but really do enjoy doing.
i feel bad if i'm too hard on him recently because he's been having a tough time.

i realized the other day that i shouldn't really keep my feelings about people at bay.
i'm not talking about if i don't like a senior's pants that i'm about to go and SAY something since uhm, i would preeeeeeeeetty much get jumped right off.

but more like, if i like spending time with you, i'm saying so.
ireallyhavesomefantasticpeopleinmylife.
and it's about time i started saying that.
because i was thinking about marci and how much i would have liked to just give her more hugs and tell her how truly angelic i thought she was.
i guess i'm doing that by spending time with her girls but i really want to just get one more day back to tell her everything back the way it was JUST to say that i really love her.

i came to the conclusion that we're not getting those second chances or those 'one more day' days so i might as well take things by the balls and just suck up whether or not the reaction will be positive.

as my new expression of the minute.
i'm not 'figgin' letting my people get away.
i'm telling them <3

black.ink.guilt

this post won't be too long; my message is fairly straight forward and i really don't feel like giving you kids any analytical mysteries today.

i feel like i've been exposed and no,
i wasn't printed without clothes on some tabloid or caught dancing with the near to death mayor of a city too small to remember.
(celebrities, i would just like to add, are complete morons with all that fame ^^)

i've been meddling over with a lot of issues these past couple of weeks, months even and i am completely frustrated that i've come up with absolutely no conclusion of any of them. but as far as i'm concerned, my exposure came a little too dark for my liking and i feel like if you looked again, the photos of this story miiight come out better. writing seems to be my safe outlet to plug my emotions into. that is now shot to hell because i think too much and worry about who i've hurt and who is hurting and who will be hurt.

i don't actually try to start issues believe it or not and i get no pleasure out of being in the midst of them. really, it's not one of those things that i go off skipping into with a handful of daises.

i truly hate drama and though i know it comes with the package of being a girl and also of being in high school, i'd like to have an out of body experience and just observe what i'm doing with anyone in my life. i'm not going to start crying or start slitting my wrists anytime soon but i'm just not that happy with things. simple as that, i'm just not that happy. i find my nose turned up and my lip curled into a scowl more than i intend it to and i need something to escape to.

i'll find it, i know i will.
but i just feel as if i'm starting to lie to my diary and it's just getting good.

ps. major major kudos go out to Jimmy Robbins; Too Sorry For Apologies.

pps. or maybe its pss but which ever way, i may have overstuffed your brains with things to delve into in this post and i guess the intention of making it simple and non-analytical just made it that much more of a goal to confuse you all.

when did this all fall apart?

to actually explain all the confusion in my world right now would make you read for a year or more. so to simply put things, i'm pretty disappointed with life right now.
i don't know when things got so darn complicated because last time i checked
we all played nicely with each other on the playground
and now we're a bunch of bullies?
high school is brutal. and people are mean.
but i hope that changes soon. and that i change too.
because right now.
i'm pretty disappointed with life.

i'm sorry i let down my guard for you

"you win; i lose.










[it's all a big empty space]














and i don't need your sympathy because i'll always be fine."








[that needs to be filled without you by my side for me to survive]

happy..birthday to me (this is really..reallly..late..)

i didn't realize that this was in draft.
so enjoy my birthday blog..now that its practically a month later..:-/

eiik. today is my birthday.
and my email so kindly reminded me that yes. in fact ME was born today and to send her a card.
and that this event ladies and gentlemen..happens every year.


go figure.
15 years of getting that email and i still get a kick out of it.
go listen to some chad sugg, 100th or May, and john mayer just for me.
trust meeeee <333

-1000 degrees

okay. last time i checked, being a kid wasn't supposed to be this hard.
homework consumes me to a point where i'm not getting much (if any) sleep
and i dont feel like looking nice or acting pleasantly.

if it has to snow, why doesnt it snow us out of school?
if teachers feel like they have to "challenge us" why do we have to be "challenged" with overlapping projects and pointless projects?
if drama is part of a teenager's life, then why do so many of us want to kill each other because of it?
if boys are so much trouble, why do we keep falling for them?


if questions are asked
where are the answers?


i have hope and i may just be "hopelessly hopeful to be hopeful enough"
that maybe i'll become brave enough to blaze through the
heartache and the headaches for him
either that or i'll have to pick myself up each morning and place the big question mark into the invisible tears that i stream in the halls,
waiting for the day someone will figure it out and find it there
and then place me on their shoulders, carrying me along until
i'm strong enough to walk along side them.


for now, ill keep asking, and keep listening.
and know that this loveistheonlything making me smile for him
in case he'll notice
and in case i'll be watching with my head up and not hung.


ps. its like -1000 degrees outside and -1000000000 inside me.

the village sessions

alrighty now even though i think everyone should own everything that john mayer has ever done to the max, but owning The Village Sessions EP he produced after producing Continuum has got to be one of the greatest, most soothing and rewarding cds I think I will ever own;

so get out there kids.
and buy it with your pennies.
because its the greatest thing
that will ever happen to you.

finals.suck.

okay.
so.
finals.
are.
officially.
the sdkjwedklzolpq-est.
worthless.
piece.
of wasted.
papers.
i have.
ever.
had.
to.
take.


just to let you all know;
i could quite possibly be in mid-crisis at any point.
or in complete breakdown all the time.
yupp.

the holiday and its cheer

dkfjwkrisfikjdwlpz.

^^ that shows my frustration because i had a blog all written up and then tried to insert two links..and pretty much the whole thing got deleted. anyways, i'll continue on with my head in my hands as i was before..

i did not realize how tired i was.
and not because i've been basically running around with my head chopped off and my organs spilling out for the past five days but because i have lead myself up to this break without actually, ironically, taking a break. so i have made the executive decision that i will either be spending the last 13 days of my break with only myself, and not because i'm going to end up being an old lady living in a box, but because i never spend *any* time with just me, myself, and i. that or with the people that i really need to see more; as i come to think of it, i haven't seen my best friend in over four days nor talked to her. that calls for some drastic measures of time going to be better well spent.

and now, before i wish you all the most fantastic holidays (Christmas is onlyyyyy FIVE, count them: FIVE, days away..and Hanukkah is already completely wonderful), i must recommend everyone to mr. chad. sugg. whom is the official cheer for the new year along with a god to the music industry. treat yourselves to good hours with his music blasting. i guarantee that it will make you smile. trust me on that:

http://www.purevolume.com/backseatgoodbye
http://www.myspace.com/backseatgoodbye

cheers,
shayna.

11:42..

..it's elevenfortytwo.

something has compelled me to pour myself out again in a text box for all to judge at.
my english book sits unread in front of me

pages waiting to be discovered, plots waiting to be unfolded.
words ready to be comprehended, words set to be put to action.
discolored sheets giving clue to aged use, to secrets held and fantasies portrayed.

i wonder if i'll ever make it like that,
ever make a child giggle at rhyming sentences compounding into a silly story,
soothe a worried mother on how to connect with her slipping daughter,
create a relationship between the unbeliever and the imagination left so long in the dust,
tear a teenage apart in the harsh realities of a story that connects all too much with her heart,
allow youth to be let into a soul of a broken old man for the days he missed in the army.

i wonder if i can make that difference..

or i'll just work along the side of my own fiction

music

music seems to be my saving grace these days.
the rhythmic tune lures, the lyrics confess, the instruments promise.
is it a fault to be captivated? is it a fault to be saved? is it a fault to be freed?
and then as soon as it starts, as soon as my mind seems to relieve itself and ease the frustrations, a skip in the song will occur. and for that single moment, i switch back to reality and realize that everything is beginning to be lost. then, the music will blare again and i'll tumble into a false security that i can hold to my heart for two minutes and fifteen seconds, three minutes, four minutes and a half. however long the sounds touch my ears for, i'm gone.

my eyes close,
my body sways,
my soul is opened and skinned
to the bare nakedness
to which everyone should reach with something in their lives.

and i can't help but wonder.
if the place i have made for myself in this world is only safe for however long the song plays..why don't i just press repeat on my player, turn up the volume, and fly on through?

words swallowed.

charles bukowski once wrote that there will always be something to ruin our lives, it just depends on who or what finds us first.

last night time stopped for a moment when i had a misconception about words that someone said to me.
i overreacted, i jumped to conclusions, i made an unjust confrontation because i was scared of what those words meant to me, if they meant anything at all, if they meant everything. i thought for awhile that i was right, that she was wrong, and that eventually i would get my way. but after more pain was pitched to one another, i realized that my pride and i, myself and i, were going to have to suck it up and take it down the right way. so then i thought that since i did that, things weren't going to be so bad anymore. but that opened me to something more.

for as much as i had hoped i could blame what had happened, what had been happening, on something and someone innocent, i couldn't. it wasn't fair and it's still not.

i have apologizes to make, i have words to swallow and i have to realize that i've got to get things under control and i've got to myself down the right path.

otherwise; i'm not sure where or why or when or what is going to fly because right now, my wings are breaking.

moore road,

its ironic that a contest for expression and artistic independence is limited to a theme. that when creativity should be at a high, it's restricted because of the fear of what lies beneath a sentence of what "one's favorite place is"
on what happens if a favorite place isn't just a room where happiness is stored but an entire world of possibility? what happens when a favorite place includes more than the boundary of four walls but expands to an exceptional amount of what is beyond that. GUCI is that place for me. and it's not easy to say to someone who hasn't been there that this place, this home, is the *only place that makes me feel alive. i can walk these streets at home here, i can breath this air here, i can talk to the people here, but without my place for me, my place just for me, i wouldn't get up in the morning and i wouldn't take steps on the sidewalk. so when tears spring my eyes, when pain fills my heart, i know that i can look through the lens of my camera and see the magic there; frozen for a second in time on how happy i was, how happy we all were. the reason that i urn for something more is that i know that as soon as the car turns onto Moore Road, i leave who i've been and i become who i want to be. for more than half of the year, i try to fit back into myself but it seems that each time i get comfortable, pieces chip or break off. after awhile its exhausting to try to glue everything into one when i know that it won't perfectly feel right until i touch my fingers to the wooden door proclaiming hallelujah, my feet running along the greener grass. and all to soon, its gone. the grounds have muddied, the smiles have cracked, the reality takes over and wins. when i'm home, in my favorite place, i know that i can trust myself to just be without worrying about who i'm being, just act without worrying of how i'm acting, and just live for the sake of the goddamn sunshine that captivates every single memory and makes it beautiful for that much longer.

so if it seems like i'm moving but i'm still stuck, its because i can't keep going without knowing where i'll end up. if i'll end up. or if i'll give up.

and so take this breath with me, hold my hands tight and sing to me tonight.
make me believe and make me see that once my eyes are opened to my favorite place again, colors fly and dreams are born to this run down world that i keep locked away from my heart, for i fear with the utmost confidence that once i let in something more than the best, something more than what i've found, i'll forget and i'll walk on, without destination, without a turn onto Moore Rd. so just let me be with me tonight and find a light too bright , a fantasy too full, a heart all too ready.

emotion

it bothered me tonight when i tried to remember her voice, i couldn't.

the rich, airy, sweet words that never failed to bring a smile forth to even the most unhappiness, isn't echoing anymore.
its been almost three, maybe four, weeks and tears still spring from my eyes because i can't remember.

marci gorospe is someone who i promised myself that i could never and would never ever ever forget.

but now without her vibrant voice or her fresh smile, i feel emotions digging too deeply into me than i'm comfortable with.
i feel as though i should be constantly thinking of her, constantly doing things for her, in memory of her.
but i can't bring myself to visit the grave site, to place a flower upon a headstone for someone who deserves to still be alive.
that would be accepting that she won't be back, that my torment to myself isn't worth anything at all because she won't be back.
my petty arguments have an underlying motive from guilt,
my smiles are plastered to perfection in order to protect myself more than anyone else.
i know that as long as i try to bring it back into my mind, there isn't anything to bring that beauty back.

that's the scariest part of it all.

It's nice to know

"It's nice to know from time to time that you didn't just appear when you woke up this morning - and that for better and for worse, the way you are is the way you've always been."

john mayer is the one and only that can explain life and its most difficult questions with a half ass-tongue out of mouth grin


remember kids, go the full circle because sometimes when things are the shittiest, it takes a goofy laugh to clear up the clouds.

even if its for just a second

Destination

when i walk through the halls at school
i purposely put my feet to a destination
but my mind doesn't seem to focus upon one thought as i wander about
i see the corners hidden around the turns and paths
and wish that if only i could run to them

maybe someone would see me
and maybe someone would sit with me

but then, the bell rings
and i open my notebook, take out a pencil, and push out
any freedoms i held as i wandered.
for a straight fourty minutes my eyes dart back and forth
wondering if anyone else knows any of my secrets
and if anyone else knows any of my feelings
if anyone sees through my smile to the tears that
spring from my eyes after a day regretted and a day exhausted, over and done with
should i forgive those pushes? should i foget those disapproving glances?
or do i just imagine it all?
wishing that for once someone would be beside me
during this nightmare
to hold my hand and kiss my heart,
to hide in corners when i can't go on
and to not judge, to simply cry when tears fall
and to simply love me for i am imperfect and i am unsure and i am scared.

I wonder.

words unspoken may break something beautifully constructed
words screamed from the mountain tops may never change the answer
words may bring forth confusion,
conflict,
and inconsistency


words may kill the strongest, words may birth the weakest.
but wherever, whatever, and whomever
spoken at, spoken from, or spoken to
words are simply words
until placed conveniently with an over looked emotion
unfelt and unspoken for almost unbearably too long.

and yet, when confronted with these words
that should provide confidence, closure, and comfort,
simply fall apart into their own separate letters
refusing to piece into one
to allow one's mind to begun eased, one's heart to be consoled,
one is be one without any other and only that own one.

Autum

i was walking home yesterday after school and i got to thinking:
when did it turn into fall?
i mean, the last time i checked, it was something like 90 degrees and we were all wearing shorts. but when i looked up from my staring at my shoes as they automatically walked the path home, i realized that a new season was upon us. then i saw the hundreds of leaves on the sidewalk, lacing the street, falling from the trees carelessly. so, why hadn't i ever taken the time to watch the things around me before? it wasn't as if i had some immediate conflict between me and the world so why hadn't i simply let my mind wander, my feet carry me down the road, and relax? why wasn't i able to take an easy, slow pace home, and not let the drama of the day overcome me and overwhelm me? i threw my hands up in the air, put my CD player back into my book bag and forced myself to look at the leaves. directly in front of me, i noticed a small, perfectly structured one falling rhythmically to the wind. i patiently waited the second more until it had barely touched the ground when i menacingly lifted my left foot and dramatically crushed the poor thing. the next leaf that fell, i did the same action. for the rest of my walk, i hopped along, stomping the leaves under my feet. i didn't feel any better when i unlocked my front door but i did feel somewhat at an ease. being able to just accept, move on and go forth, isn't something i do very often. but i suppose that all it took was a little stomp.

masked silence

there are thoughts that seem to overpower my mind at night when the lights are dimmed and music plays in my room, when my eyes dart from the familar corners of my room until i wear myself out. the pictures that are developed over and over again bring back painful memories of moments lost and moments loved. i continue to tell myself that there is a difference between isolation and seperation. when do i become a being walking the streets, missing the important parts such a liver, an arm, a heart. what matters the most, because i'm not going to pull a "nothing matters" or a "i have great friends but i feel no comfort" because those aren't true. however, somewhere deep into me where no one will ever be allowed to cross past, are secrets never told and salvations never reached. peace is short lived in these nights as sleep pushes over the urge to remain alert and anything to keep the thoughts from eating at my flesh, tearing at my souls. i believe that whenever an emotion surfaces, i must analyze, consider, and throw out due to incalculable cons. there are nights when i wish i could never sleep for it doesnt provide a secreity but only a harsher reality when my eyes are opened to the darkened world. i am not a killer but i am not a lover. i do not forfeit but i do not fight. and until i can relinquish everything and anything and everything and anything i have so falesly created in attempted utopia;
i can not be me.
[[tonight will be difficult, tonight will an insulted lament.
the only ease for twisted mind i can confide with
is that with no doubt tommorow will be worse
tommorow will be bring forth a cursed hearse
that not she, not her, not me, not i will allow myself to bring on the day
for all is feared, sneered, and tiered with struggle and anguish.
that tommorow will be soon forgetten
as it is melted and molded into tonight.
and then another today
and another tommorow.
i want not answers, i ask not questions.]]