emotion

it bothered me tonight when i tried to remember her voice, i couldn't.

the rich, airy, sweet words that never failed to bring a smile forth to even the most unhappiness, isn't echoing anymore.
its been almost three, maybe four, weeks and tears still spring from my eyes because i can't remember.

marci gorospe is someone who i promised myself that i could never and would never ever ever forget.

but now without her vibrant voice or her fresh smile, i feel emotions digging too deeply into me than i'm comfortable with.
i feel as though i should be constantly thinking of her, constantly doing things for her, in memory of her.
but i can't bring myself to visit the grave site, to place a flower upon a headstone for someone who deserves to still be alive.
that would be accepting that she won't be back, that my torment to myself isn't worth anything at all because she won't be back.
my petty arguments have an underlying motive from guilt,
my smiles are plastered to perfection in order to protect myself more than anyone else.
i know that as long as i try to bring it back into my mind, there isn't anything to bring that beauty back.

that's the scariest part of it all.

It's nice to know

"It's nice to know from time to time that you didn't just appear when you woke up this morning - and that for better and for worse, the way you are is the way you've always been."

john mayer is the one and only that can explain life and its most difficult questions with a half ass-tongue out of mouth grin


remember kids, go the full circle because sometimes when things are the shittiest, it takes a goofy laugh to clear up the clouds.

even if its for just a second

Destination

when i walk through the halls at school
i purposely put my feet to a destination
but my mind doesn't seem to focus upon one thought as i wander about
i see the corners hidden around the turns and paths
and wish that if only i could run to them

maybe someone would see me
and maybe someone would sit with me

but then, the bell rings
and i open my notebook, take out a pencil, and push out
any freedoms i held as i wandered.
for a straight fourty minutes my eyes dart back and forth
wondering if anyone else knows any of my secrets
and if anyone else knows any of my feelings
if anyone sees through my smile to the tears that
spring from my eyes after a day regretted and a day exhausted, over and done with
should i forgive those pushes? should i foget those disapproving glances?
or do i just imagine it all?
wishing that for once someone would be beside me
during this nightmare
to hold my hand and kiss my heart,
to hide in corners when i can't go on
and to not judge, to simply cry when tears fall
and to simply love me for i am imperfect and i am unsure and i am scared.

I wonder.

words unspoken may break something beautifully constructed
words screamed from the mountain tops may never change the answer
words may bring forth confusion,
conflict,
and inconsistency


words may kill the strongest, words may birth the weakest.
but wherever, whatever, and whomever
spoken at, spoken from, or spoken to
words are simply words
until placed conveniently with an over looked emotion
unfelt and unspoken for almost unbearably too long.

and yet, when confronted with these words
that should provide confidence, closure, and comfort,
simply fall apart into their own separate letters
refusing to piece into one
to allow one's mind to begun eased, one's heart to be consoled,
one is be one without any other and only that own one.

Autum

i was walking home yesterday after school and i got to thinking:
when did it turn into fall?
i mean, the last time i checked, it was something like 90 degrees and we were all wearing shorts. but when i looked up from my staring at my shoes as they automatically walked the path home, i realized that a new season was upon us. then i saw the hundreds of leaves on the sidewalk, lacing the street, falling from the trees carelessly. so, why hadn't i ever taken the time to watch the things around me before? it wasn't as if i had some immediate conflict between me and the world so why hadn't i simply let my mind wander, my feet carry me down the road, and relax? why wasn't i able to take an easy, slow pace home, and not let the drama of the day overcome me and overwhelm me? i threw my hands up in the air, put my CD player back into my book bag and forced myself to look at the leaves. directly in front of me, i noticed a small, perfectly structured one falling rhythmically to the wind. i patiently waited the second more until it had barely touched the ground when i menacingly lifted my left foot and dramatically crushed the poor thing. the next leaf that fell, i did the same action. for the rest of my walk, i hopped along, stomping the leaves under my feet. i didn't feel any better when i unlocked my front door but i did feel somewhat at an ease. being able to just accept, move on and go forth, isn't something i do very often. but i suppose that all it took was a little stomp.

masked silence

there are thoughts that seem to overpower my mind at night when the lights are dimmed and music plays in my room, when my eyes dart from the familar corners of my room until i wear myself out. the pictures that are developed over and over again bring back painful memories of moments lost and moments loved. i continue to tell myself that there is a difference between isolation and seperation. when do i become a being walking the streets, missing the important parts such a liver, an arm, a heart. what matters the most, because i'm not going to pull a "nothing matters" or a "i have great friends but i feel no comfort" because those aren't true. however, somewhere deep into me where no one will ever be allowed to cross past, are secrets never told and salvations never reached. peace is short lived in these nights as sleep pushes over the urge to remain alert and anything to keep the thoughts from eating at my flesh, tearing at my souls. i believe that whenever an emotion surfaces, i must analyze, consider, and throw out due to incalculable cons. there are nights when i wish i could never sleep for it doesnt provide a secreity but only a harsher reality when my eyes are opened to the darkened world. i am not a killer but i am not a lover. i do not forfeit but i do not fight. and until i can relinquish everything and anything and everything and anything i have so falesly created in attempted utopia;
i can not be me.
[[tonight will be difficult, tonight will an insulted lament.
the only ease for twisted mind i can confide with
is that with no doubt tommorow will be worse
tommorow will be bring forth a cursed hearse
that not she, not her, not me, not i will allow myself to bring on the day
for all is feared, sneered, and tiered with struggle and anguish.
that tommorow will be soon forgetten
as it is melted and molded into tonight.
and then another today
and another tommorow.
i want not answers, i ask not questions.]]