masked silence

there are thoughts that seem to overpower my mind at night when the lights are dimmed and music plays in my room, when my eyes dart from the familar corners of my room until i wear myself out. the pictures that are developed over and over again bring back painful memories of moments lost and moments loved. i continue to tell myself that there is a difference between isolation and seperation. when do i become a being walking the streets, missing the important parts such a liver, an arm, a heart. what matters the most, because i'm not going to pull a "nothing matters" or a "i have great friends but i feel no comfort" because those aren't true. however, somewhere deep into me where no one will ever be allowed to cross past, are secrets never told and salvations never reached. peace is short lived in these nights as sleep pushes over the urge to remain alert and anything to keep the thoughts from eating at my flesh, tearing at my souls. i believe that whenever an emotion surfaces, i must analyze, consider, and throw out due to incalculable cons. there are nights when i wish i could never sleep for it doesnt provide a secreity but only a harsher reality when my eyes are opened to the darkened world. i am not a killer but i am not a lover. i do not forfeit but i do not fight. and until i can relinquish everything and anything and everything and anything i have so falesly created in attempted utopia;
i can not be me.
[[tonight will be difficult, tonight will an insulted lament.
the only ease for twisted mind i can confide with
is that with no doubt tommorow will be worse
tommorow will be bring forth a cursed hearse
that not she, not her, not me, not i will allow myself to bring on the day
for all is feared, sneered, and tiered with struggle and anguish.
that tommorow will be soon forgetten
as it is melted and molded into tonight.
and then another today
and another tommorow.
i want not answers, i ask not questions.]]