note to self: don't die

i told myself after one tree hill
"i'll go back to studying APUSH after i check my email [none] and my facebook [nothing]"
and then i thought "i'll open my itunes. and that'll determine my mood"
now, maybe if it had been something happy, i would have thrown it away. but since it wasn't- i took it. cheating? i think not. i'm not sad, i'm just lonely. i have expectations for some[one]things that could or couldn't work out. obviously. then the itunes went into regina spektor with the lyrics repeating "you're so god damn young" and that secondly got me to thinking..
i'll make a note to myself not to die. [thanks ryan adams]
and under that i'll remind myself that i'm just so god damn young [thanks regina spektor]
and the thing[s] that i'm counting on aren't that feasible right now.
i have to remind myself that I AM young and he's not. or he's not as young i should say. we're all just a bunch of kids when it gets down to the grit. watching one tree hill always does this too me. and when it gets late at night. and uh, in general? i need something drastic to happen to wake me up again because right now- i'm just kind of coasting along and that's not great. i was listening to 'first time' [thanks hawk nelson] while i was walking home and i was feeling a little shook up- a little like i could get it all done, i could study that damn APUSH, i could make him and i work, i could make me work. but it's just a song and songs end. this one ended after 2:37.

i need to start studying again.
btw elissa and i got the same grade on a chem test today as did molly. that made me happy. now it's not a great grade [and it sucks pretty much] but i guess i felt like i wasn't so far behind if they could do bad[ly] once in a while too. i dont know, i'm just looking for more than i can get i think. and i think maybe i'm looking too much into what i do have.

i need to start studying. screw the again. i need to start.
i need to make myself proud and not have to rely on my dad to make me feel good about myself because frankly, that's been kind of a let down. he's told me to learn in spite with dewitt, with other subjects too. but i don't think he knows that i've been trying to learn in spite of him.
so to wrap up, i'm making a note to myself not to die, i'm really so god damn young, i'm one step and two steps closer to feeling alive and for the last time i'm falling behind [thanks again hawk nelson]

so i need to start studying.