waiting

dearyou-
i waited until 11 and then i gave up.
i don't really understand and i'm not very patient.
it's not fair that we have all this distance in between us.
i know it's not your fault. but it's still not fair.
i'm not very happy.
in fact, i'm pretty very unhappy.
tomorrow is a new day.
which brings a new night.
maybe we'll talk then.
i'll wait until 11 again and then i'll give up again.





i'll understand and i'll be patient.
sincerelyme.

goodbye

i have to say goodbye to ben today.
i really can't and i don't know how i'm going to.
what do you say when someone is just leaving like that?
i need more time with him- new york is far.
that's not fair- i think i'm upset but i'm also angry.
it's not really fair because i'm supposed to be the one to leave first. he isn't supposed to go and start this whole new life and leave me back here. i'm supposed to leave first. it's just two more years until i would have. it's not fair. i have to say goodbye to ben today. i can't. i don't know how.

i've decided

that the world is moving too fast
that my feet can't get grounded before the rug gets pulled away
that people are changing too much









and i can't do anything but watch it all go away.

mental AED

So hm. i need a mental AED because i'm just kind of emotionally blank. i gotta depend more on myself- that way i won't be so disappointed when things don't work out the way.
i just need a good shock

"..now im on the waves and i'm taking on water hard to see i won't always be alone.."

i think though that once i get a little john mayer through my system and eat a little hummus, i can relax. i just have to remember one day at a time, everything is not personal, i'm a good person.
and if things don't work out the first time, i gotta take a breath; i gotta step back and breathe.
because it's not against me. not if i let myself go with the flow. i just gotta be every once in awhile.

i just gotta be.

"Last night I lay awake
My eyes were dry with the pain
Sometimes I wish that I would just die
To save me from seeing you again
I knew you used me but I didn't care
I was happy just being together
Well sometimes I wonder if I should be with you
All you ever do is ignore me"

"All my life has been a dream
An endless nightmare it seems
Tonight's the night, yes this is the end
You've heard it before, this is what I said
I think about gone yesterdays
All the things that people would say
Tonight's the night, I'm gonna find the truth"

i don't know.

my arm looks disgusting.