Sam writes exactly fifty word stories Monday through Friday: fiftywords.com

Jan 31

i knew her then

I knew her when she was sweet, and I don’t mean she isn’t now. But I knew her when she was young and sweet, when she smiled with girlish, distant innocence, when she cried at the thought of us not spending our lives together. Only I really knew her then.

I've been waiting for my day for so long. I hoped that these words would be extra beautiful to me - and they are. These are beautiful words and what an awesome idea, fifty words everyday. I love this idea and I love these words for my day. Therefore, I will love today.

Reminder from:		blueskies372's Calendar
Title:		ME!
Date:		Saturday January 31, 2009
Time:		All Day
Repeats:		This event repeats every year.

not any more suckaaas. pack up the car.
& wake me up before you go-go
[SO SO stuck in my head. must here more Wham..must..]
please do not remain there the whole time
otherwise i might just .. jump when i see you.
because i danced around my room like a maniac this afternoon after school
because i am so SO freaking excited. SO. SO excited. oh, man.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY TOMORROW.
crazy, crazy.
i can not waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait. i can't!
i want to stay up all night to relish in all the tomorrow glory.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

you said you didn't know what to get me for my birthday.
but how about that?
i'd like getting that.
i really would. maybe just along the sidewalks, where all the lamps are all lit up.
in the cool of the night, i'd like that.
it's just times like this when i really like email.
when it's unexpected, funny. silly. like this.
boy, you're a goofball. and i love it.
you're just so goofy!
you said you didn't know what to get me for my birthday
and that's exactly that - that's exactly what i needed to hear.
i didn't even think about things that way and then .. ah, yeah.
i'm so excited for friday.
i'm so excited for saturday.
i'm so excited for sunday.
I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

Love Bon Iver.
..
Love Ingrid Michaelson.
..
Love 'Skinny Love'.
..
Love this.
..

Four days..crazy.
1. AVIATOR SUNGLASSES
2. "Other People's Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant To See" Bill Shapiro
3. The Polaroid Book / The Photography Book
4. POLAROID INSTANT 600 SPEED FILM "Yeah..no. Sweetheart, they went out of business" Yeah. I know, sweetheart. Bitch, I can carry my own.
5. Pentax K1000: Fisheye Lens
6. Punching bag and gloves
7. Typewriter Ribbons
8. Miles: "Wow And Flutter".. etc other iTunes CDs
9. John Mayer: 2009 Calender
10. John Mayer: On His Own Tour Shirt
11. Hell, JOHN MAYER. Ah, hah.
12. Let's Go Sailing: cartoon tshirt
13. The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book
14. This Is How Rumors Get Started EP
15. This Is How Rumors Get Started tshirt
16."The Time Traveler's Wife" Audrey Niffeneger
17. LIGHTS: tshirt/LIGHTS: tshirt
18. LIGHTS: comic book
19. Backseat Goodbye: "Monsters Under Your Head"
20. Backseat Goodbye: Polaroid Package

I can't focus on anything, by the way. At ALL. On Wednesday I'll daydream. Thursday too. And Friday most of all. Because I already did that yesterday and today. Oh, man. I was supposed to be studying. I was supposed to be doing homework. Ha, I didn't. Too excited. Eeeeeeeiiiiiik.

"I’ve spread my wings, but they won’t extend all the way.
I remember dreaming of these days, and now they’re all mine.
My future is in my hands, and I’m not giving it away to anyone.
I’m just your average girl, but I’m trying.
I’ll be more than this one day.
Soon.
Just give me a little time to prove myself to you.
I will.
And I can’t wait to show this town everything I had all along,
but they were too ignorant to see."
-http://laurenbolek.tumblr.com

See, I read your blog and I'm in awe. You say you're just average but you don't seem that way to me. It's hard to feel anything but awe towards people like you because I'm still clouded in my dreams, unwilling to come down until I get exactly what's up in my head. In my head, I swing from the tallest trees without the least bit of fear but when I walk home from school, I get scared I'm going to get hit by a car. In my head, I take long drives across the country and stop only to take take pictures with a boy I love on the sides of all the roads we pass over but when I sit in my parent's car, I can't go any further than a few miles. In my head, I've got it all but when I open my eyes, I don't see anything similar at all. I'm trying to make all my dreams come out of there and stay on paper, rest in my hands, spill from my lips. I have to get out of Cleveland. I'm going crazy - everything looks the same around here. I don't DO anything. I'm too busy dreaming and I'm too scared to stop. I think if I try and push something out, not even all of my dreams, just one little one, that when it doesn't work out or it doesn't follow how I feel, I'll run in the other direction and never want to sit in my head again. I want to be more. I want to wake up in the morning and kiss cold lips and make them warm. I want to fall asleep at night, so tired from building living room forts and blasting music from the speakers. I want to walk around in a daze because there's beauty around me - new beauty, old beauty, my beauty. I want it all and I'm so scared that I won't ever get it. I'm turning 17 in just a few days and I was excited. I still am, don't get me wrong. I'm ready to get on with things, move past high school and make something of myself to this place that takes me for what little I am. I feel like no one will wait around for me to become what I want, that no one will take my hand at 1 in the morning and tell me how great I am and how great I can be. I feel like no one will do that and that scares me. I feel like I've got all this bottled up in my head and in my heart and if anything happens, I'll explode and ruin it all with my scattered bits all about. I'm trying. But I just want to be. I want to get on a plane or sit in a car and go. Go somewhere where I don't wake up feeling the same weight I had the day before but with energy to go talk to someone new or find something fresh. But for now, I'll wait for myself - I know I'll be there someday with a big white walled apartment in a big city with a big bed in the middle with a big window across from me. With a darkroom set up only a few steps away and a huge stereo system with giant headphones. With that someone who will take me out everyday and show me the little things, show me the big things. Show me, me. Because I know I'll get there someday. But I'm asking for a little less time to let me be less and a little more push. You said that you're just average and you'll be more soon. But to me, you are the more I want to be. So, if for tonight that's all I get to know, that's fine. After all, it's only 7:00. Maybe I'll be a little more by the time 8 rolls around.

this is going to be the best, ever. ever. ever. ever. ever.
i already told tina that it doesn't even matter what happened/happens
because it's officially my birthday week
and i'm so. happy.
and phew,
everything is back to where it was yesterday.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeik.
youuuuu have no idea. no idea. NO idea. how stoked i am.
oh man. oh. MAN.
this morning my dad was like "welcome to monday morning"
ouch. how about welcome to the BEST week ever?
yeah, that's more like it. oh my gosh.
i'm so excited. i feel like everything is going to be perfect.
i mean, honestly? things have never worked out like this before.
ahhhh! i'm going to be doing a lot of shrieking and jumping. oh yeah.
because it's my birthday week!!!
AH! so. excited.

"True. But sometimes I wish I had photographs so I could remind myself that those times we’d spent together weren’t just in my imagination." -lovebot.tumblr.com

Exactly. I'm afraid in a few years or months or weeks, I'll only have those photographs to remember that day. That's part of the reason I think about it so much. That afternoon, those few hours, were like we were on a completely different level. We were completely alone in a place where no one would look to find us. I just want to get that back. Not because I'm unhappy now or because you are. But because I loved that feeling of just being with you, all alone. Me with my camera, you with your smile. Both of us with our good looks and jokes. The distance was shut down and sealed off. I don't want to think about this in a few years or months or weeks and just be imagining it. That's not fair because that afternoon was too good to only be remembered by photographs. Please don't make me recreate those memories. Please stay with me to create new ones, better ones. Ones that don't have such a tragic ending only a little while later. I love those photographs. I feel like everyone looks at them but they can't see what I felt - what you felt- what we felt. What we conquered. We were two against the world that day and we dominated. Top of the world, baby. Top of the world. Thank you. Just don't make me imagine it. Let me feel it more often, alright? It was wonderful and it makes me feel warm inside whenever winter wraps around my bones too tightly and I feel suffocated and chilled. You break all of the ice away. Thank you. Just don't make me take out the chisel myself next year or next month or next week. I need more - Let me know it's not all in my imagination.

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, "I'm not going to make it,"
but you laugh inside remembering all the times you've felt that way.
-Charles Bukowski

Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday. Next week, it's my birthday. I'm making Monday - Sunday my birthday week. Officially. I just have to get through tomorrow - and I'm not going to climb out of bed thinking I won't make it. Because I just did that this morning and look, it's the next night and I'm still kicking. I'm kicking a little bit slower and I have my head down a little more but all I have to do is get through tomorrow. And tomorrow can't be that bad, right? Tomorrow is Friday. I'll be tired but I've felt that way before. All I have to do is laugh tomorrow morning when I get up. Because I've felt this way before and I'm still around. I'm still making it.
And I'll continue to make it?

i'll always make musical love letters for you
because i think that that's the only way to make you listen to me on repeat
maybe one day, i'll get one from you
with the same intentions?
and then we'll throw away any subtlety
and bring back that dying and dead chivalry.

i want someone who will wear the same tshirt as me all day and then in bed, so i can hold onto the adventures we had when i sleep. someone who will hold my hand when we walk out in the cold. someone who will run to meet me at the door and jump up and down when i arrive. someone who will call me just to say good afternoon rather than good morning or good night. someone who will say they want to watch movies with me but will be watching me the whole time. someone to kiss in the rain. i want someone who wants me back. can i ask you to get that for me for my birthday? would you look all day and then realize it's you?

mine at least.

"Let's pretend we're artists and everything we feel is something new to be proud of. Let's take our imaginary friends on a double date and ditch them in a movie and hope they get along while we kiss outside on the sidewalk. Let's take the dreams you mumbled in your sleep and paint a child's nursery. And if we don't finish today, we've always got tomorrow."

-pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

let's pretend it's just the two of us against the world. let's pretend we analyze everyone and no one can figure the two of us out. let's pretend that nothing can stop us. tell me those things next time? we are artists so i don't think it's so much of a request. just be around tomorrow when i might get down again. you always pick me up so stick around? i'll return the favor - i promise.

i'm becoming more independent. i'm spending time doing more for myself. i'm learning i don't have as many shortcomings as i thought i did.




___________________________________________________________________




i'm getting there but that doesn't mean that i still don't need you. (you called just a few minutes later. thank you for that. i smiled so much that night.)

"Sometimes pain becomes such a big part of your life, that you expect it to always be there because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then, one day, you feel something else. Something that feels wrong but only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment, you realize. You're happy" For awhile, I would have rather just tucked myself away with my iPod and slipped on my headphones. The world was too noisy for me - I didn't want to listen to anything because I figured that all I needed to hear, I could control. Yeah, right. Now, I'm still spending most of my time listening but I'm not listening to just my own thoughts anymore. At some point, a few weeks ago, things started to change. I stopped crying as much and I stopped getting angry as much. I started to put my time into dancing around in the darkroom rather than sulking. I started smiling in the halls more rather than just trying to get to class. Granted, I'm still sad. But I'm sad now when something sad happens rather than assuming that something sad is always going to be going on and just being sad. I thought that was what I was supposed to feel like. I thought that I was supposed to just be like that because I was in pain and I was hurting. But now, I'm happy. I told myself that when it first started, I was just on a good streak - that something horrible would come and sweep me up because I had my guard down - because I was actually laughing and I was actually singing and being with people. I've stopped turning down as many plans as I used to. I thought that if I was alone, I could figure everything out and then after I figured everything out, I could go be with people. Again - yeah, right. I'm going to take these good days as they are - good days. I don't need to go look for the bad. I don't need to turn things over so often that I lose any good that they once held. I'm taking chances. Granted, small chances. But, hell, two months ago? I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I would be happy for more than an afternoon, let alone what's going on now. Something changed. I'd like to think it's me but it's not entirely. I'm still listening to music nonstop. But I'm not tucking myself away. I'm playing it outside, I'm playing it loudly, I'm playing it for and with other people. The world isn't any less noisy these days. If anything, it's nosier. But now, I'm listening to what's going around me and talking back. Now, I'm mixing my noise right along with it.

listen to joey hendrickson's handmade studio version of
Rain Another Night
because when the video angle covers mic, headphones, bangs, scarf,
& shirt of white
and his voice is 1000 types
of sweet,
this song is best played out
on repeat...


and i always like to do more than one thing at a time. so you should too!
any or all at your fingertips:
Joey Hendrickson: ReverbNation
Joey Hendrickson: PureVolume
Joey Hendrickson: Facebook
Joey Hendrickson: Myspace
Joey Hendrickson: Bebo
Joey Hendrickson: Virb

"when it comes to you, i am at a constant state of nostalgia."
-ohalleebaby.tumblr.com

yesterday, elissa and molly talked to me about being fancy and how we all felt really fancy inside..we just didn't have any opportunities to be fancy. we tried really hard all day to be as fancy as we could..i think we did pretty well. i even felt a little fancier just trying it out. molly said that she thinks we'll all be rich one day - that we'll all be really successful and get to get together when we're older and be fancy then with really long, elegant black dresses and pearl necklaces. we talked about wedding dresses, we talked about falling in love, we talked about decorating our houses. we went into all kinds of fancy stores and we complimented each other all afternoon. we just had fun dreaming with each other.

then, last night i got that summer camp feeling and i tried realllly hard to hold onto that - the feeling that i got last summer when we were prepping for kesher with lanterns and grills and trying to light everything and win competitions for the best supplies. that warm, lingering feeling of being out in the sun on the grass in shorts and sitting in a circle with my friends. i love that place. i love it. there were just so many good things about that place..man, i wish i could have that feeling forever. it only lasted for a second or two but i tried my best to stay in that summer sun frame of mind. it was just so perfect.

my birthday is coming up really soon and i always get nostalgic when this time of year comes around. the winter slump always picks back up right before my birthday. i'm getting a little old..i'm going to be making so bigger decisions in this next years to come than i've made before but i think i'll be able to do it. things lately have been working in my favor and that makes me really happy. a few months ago, i wrote about my perfect brithday weekend. i just can't imagine how well this is working out - i never really imagined it working out this well. i'm extremely excited to see him play again and espesically [that's right - my fingers spelled that out correctly first time. bam!] on my birthday and i guess it just makes sense now about not going over winter break. i'd like to listen to him play every single day but it's just so special when i actually do .. and now, man, my birthday night. perfect, no? i just hope i get to see the studio..that that works out and that i get to capture it all in and hold onto it. and then on sunday, i'll have the party and we'll see what goes down with who there. i'm so thrilled. i love parties, i love gifts. but i really love unwrapping gifts. the anticipation. the wrapping paper. the bows. the three of us were in victoria's secret yesterday - i got a little more over my fear of being in there- and we had a fun time talking about all that girl stuff and i am uncomfortably comfortable with the idea that i am going to become a bow girl in the bedroom. i don't know about that though - i'll have to find a nice boy who could settle down with that.

this year, i don't know what i'll ask for. i love the surprise aspect. i have a list - 600 speed instant polariod film, anyone? get it before it's gone? - but i don't know - i won't ask for the moon at least. i don't think anyone has that nice of a tie to the sky. maybe one year someone will get me a pair of wings and a lasso so we can go get it together. but for now, i could just go for some aviator sunglasses to feel like i'm taking flight.

Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you have more opportunity that I do. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you have it easier than I do. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you get more praise and have more hugs. Maybe I'm bitter because you have more outer beauty that I do. Maybe I'm bitter because you might have more inner beauty instead, more worthiness for that praise, more reason for the easy path, and more will to gain that opportunity that is offered up to you. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like he tells you all those things every day. Maybe I'm bitter because I don't have anyone like that. Maybe I'm bitter because whatever I think won't ever change how I feel and whatever I do won't ever change how things are. I'm bitter. You're better.

you haven't yet. i've trying telling myself that you did. but you haven't - not yet, anyways. it's hard for me to stay above the water without any promise of a flotation device. i've never been a very good swimmer but maybe you can come for a few hours and remind me how to again? i tell myself that you're always saving me but i think that that requires you to actually hear me say it..and then you'd actually have to care. that's not fair. you do care - i just have trouble remembering that sometimes because it's easier to pity myself. i'm trying for you, i'm trying to be better. and hopefully, i'll be the best i can be. i don't know. i'm trying..it's hard. but i'm trying. i just wish it wasn't all for you because i'm not sure that you'll ever feel the same way for me. i think i always will though.

Found: 'Euston Road, London' @ Polaroid Of The Day

So, I've been having the conversation for days now with various people about our photography class. It's agreed that for this past week and a half, we're either doing school or doing photo. Because we can't do both. Because we either have to devote all of our time to being in the darkroom or being in the classroom. I've chosen darkness, personally.

See, I was looking through what I've accumulated for the past odd month or so and I'm proud, mostly. But the problem is is that I haven't had time to praise myself on my work but I've somehow made time to critique myself against everyone else's work and concentration and talent. So, I think if I'm spending every moment in the darkroom
kissing my enlarger instead of my books,
[honestly, I'd most like to be kissing boys]
I should at least stand back at the end of today and pat myself on the back.

But I won't. Because I've got to go early for recycling, the only true time Alyssa and I can catch up, which is ridiculous, and then I've got "review" for finals, yeah right, and then I've got more photo. My dad said to me last night that I should be happy that I get to spend that much time on doing something I love. What's that repetitious lyric? 'I don't hate you but I really, really, really don't like you?' Yeah. I'm frustrated. But I guess if it's what I love, right?

I need a pat on the back from someone besides me and my chemically licked hands.

"Spending 9:45-3 is all day in the darkroom"
"Yeah, but how cool would THAT be? All DAY in here?"
"You're right..I always come in here when I'm having a bad day"


I think that's when we turn true..when we come to the darkroom to get out of the light of day.. when we go hide out in there just for some solace.
I love you but I've chosen darkness.

so, i really wasn't expecting that! not that i don't accept that.
i wholeheartedly do..you just got really brave all of a sudden.
that made me really happy..i'll either come in today or friday.
man. wow. that's really exciting? weird how i had that dream
last night, too. huh. i really wasn't expecting that! honestly,
i thought it'd be just to start things .. just basic. but! no!
i'll come in and we'll talk. oh, i'm excited. this is working -
the whole "let's go to the melting pot" .. it was just so
direct! good job, us. wow. really, good job!






how exciting!

"It's you."
"What?"
"When all my dreams come true, the one I want next to me. It's you."
-OTH

If I told you this, I think you'd laugh at me. Ever since that night,
But honestly? Everything has reminded me of you. But I'm imagining you won't.
And that everything reminds That cold night,
ever since I stepped out of that car. You of me - sorry, that's just the way I get to sleep at night
Sorry - that's just the way it happened. I'll always pretend it does. Until one day, it actually does.





Confused? Me too.

Polaroid House

"6/9/2008. Turned an abandoned house into Polaroid installation art. Our challenge to anyone willing to drive for hours, find this house. Add your own polaroids. Fill it up. We want to go back in a year and find every room bursting with your little wasted art attempts. Take a couple if you want, but leave behind even more. Make it grow, make it AMAZING."

The most fucking badass idea I've seen. Ever.
The house is in Lancaster, about an hour away from Los Angeles.
Interested? I am. Want directions? I do.
[Scratch that: You don't want] I NEED directions. I NEED to be there now.
Seriously? How fucking amazing.
This is what the world needs -
art by people who love art
Because seriously? I thought to myself a few hours ago "What am I going to do with myself?" as I scrolled through Facebook pictures of what camp was like this summer. And I got so down about not being there .. maybe ever? [Scratch that: Don't let self think that]
And then, I found this. And fuck, how fucking awesome. I just want to scream. Seriously? Fucking amazing.
Potty mouth.
Don't care -
too excited to contain.
When I find something like this, I can fly.
Man, oh, man. Dude. So fucking badass.
Click: Polaroid House

ah, yeah. how many people that we know
have ever really played spin the bottle?
for real, anyways.
if you think about it, probably not that many -
it's an interesting concept though
if you think about it.. letting a bottle decide who you'll kiss, who you won't.
i'm not sure if i really consider that a game though
but a group of people get together and sit in a circle with the same understanding
of the rules but i'm assuming no one really thinks about the results in the midst of the action
if everyone accepts the game as it is,
that it's spin the bottle and you just kiss whoever it lands on,
i say that people should go to a party next time
and carry the traditional spin the bottle bottle with them
and they should be allowed to point it to whomever
and kiss that person.
because it's a game right? a game that everyone just gets
but really, how often do people play?
it's a scary thought - those game circles.
crazy things happen and it's just okay
because it's a circle, it's a game,
and there are these rules that
who even made up
but everyone will take.

"Now the scent of your malcontent is like the smell before the rain."
-William Beckett