Joseph Conrad:
who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word but the naked terror? to the lonely themselves it wears a mask.
the most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.

Michael Greenberg

From the first note of A Touch So Pure to the last strum of Valentine, Michael Greenberg wraps you up warm with a blanket of lyrics and tucks you in with musical medleys. You’ll wake up with his tunes on your lips and his chords ringing in your ears.

Catchy, light guitar work accompanies cute openings and clever endings in songs such as Tag Along, where you might just leave feeling hungrier than you came. We left without questioning won’t have you asking anything but where and when you can get your hands on a fresh batch of Michael’s work.

Greenberg will sweep you into listening for a full 11 minutes with his narrative-esque song of The Truth of Bees and Birds. A fresh sound in both Blue and Portrait of Katy flutter the heart and Michael’s rich voice adds to making every song stand strongly on their own. Each song, however, compliments the next perfectly on his first full length album “The Truth of Bees and Birds” His slightly scruffy beard, dreamy eyes, and concentrated smile give a peek into where the inspiration sprouts from for this emerging undergrad.

Take your time, he’ll always be there but don’t wait too long- it’ll only take one chance to see all the signs pointing ‘yes’ to exploring the world Michael Greenberg will invite you in to show you what love is really like through the six strings of his guitar and the soft sound of his singing. Now go kids, go get serenaded at a coffee shop nearest you.

fuck

so something i've noticed.

everyone either
1) has depression
2) is developing depression
3) is suicidal
4) has an eating disorder
5) has sex
6) wants to have sex

everyone under any of the 6 choices is
1) a sophmore
2) slump[ed]
3) in my group of friends
4) deciding to tell me about it without waiting for the person before them to get over themselves

nice, huh.

two quick things i noticed

since my blog is now white again.
i can put different colored text
[would you be my friend if i typed like that 24/7? i wouldn't :] ]
and have it show.
i flagged and unflagged my blog about 6 times in panic.
but it's all good.
and now kids;

the time for sleep.
is now.

so i avoided

this blog for a mini second.
because i thought that it was still a black background
and not that that was a problem, after all i picked in
but i much rather enjoy chad sugg and the green.

and i also enjoyed:
it being the weekend
black chip raspberry icecream
looking cool in matt's car
reading chapter 14
watching While You Were Sleeping (it got so cute at the end)
finding a slew of new music
and more de capulet finally downloaded.
er i mean, somehow legally going onto Harrison

but then again i didn't really like:
seeing that D (THOUGH it is a very high D, just 2% from a C again so it'll be fine)
for APUSH because i know i'm not trying hard enough
feeling slightly nauseous after eating my salad
(and then eating strange butter)
not being able to not obsess over messages
it being the end of the weekend

let's compare: 6 enjoy[ed]
4 [not]enjoy
- the weekend yay and nah cancel:

so it was a good sunday :]

i just am:

W&skadjs76S^%*&*)(sakjsyhd^

and

Kjhdskdsa11*&weuysdhsdy

and

7^%Ssadkjsadlkdsjdskfy78^%Dsz.


aka. stressed.

when this

day/week is over i'll be
-happier
-sleeping again
-going to homecoming
-counting down to new york and chicago
-figuring out why i've felt sick on and off for the last week?
-wishing the next one didn't start so soon.

speak slow, tell me love where do we go... ah ah
where do we go...ah ah
i'm so far away and i just can't see you i'm
so far along and i just don't need you
i am so ah-alone

Jane

Jane

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

When you tossed over a thinning bundle

Of green yarn with the softest handle

Your smile met my unsure eyes

Silencing any goodbye

That would inevitably have to come only a few days later

When the summer would be a traitor

To the fall and then the winter

Leaving us behind to blunder

But not alone

Because now I see there won’t be any unknown

For whenever I get weak,

I can just imagine you speak

The words you said to me; the compliments you paid

That day with other details fading

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

Tears dripping elegantly down your small face

You embraced

Me so tightly

The whisper only slightly

In my ear of how

Just now

You listened to my ‘xtreme’

(We’ll always cherish that theme)

And you were proud, in awe even

But you didn’t hear my thoughts of how you had given me something to believe in

From that confidence

And patience

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

The late night talks you and I had made

Promises wrapped tightly around crayons, bathroom stalls and parades

Down uneven asphalt roads

Supposedly empty; until found by loads

With dancing flashlights, a flickering moonlight

There was no invite

But then again, none of them were uptight

The footsteps we took after the unexpected encounter

Had a fainter fluster

Though our giggles couldn’t be suppressed

Echoes from the two of us awfully impressive

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

The latest hug

So snug that it could have been a wonder drug

Your sniffles into my sleeve

Breaking my heart for I knew we’d have to leave

Though I had tried to be naïve

And weaving my fingers into yours one last time,

I tried to hold off in the meantime

My own tears followed by my own reluctance

From the upcoming absence and silence

Without you

The only saving grace being my feet housed by “J.C” socks stuffed into painted red shoes

I snagged from your shelf to my bag two years ago

To ensure a glow

When I was ready to toss in the towel

But found myself on a dial

To hear your sweet voice more

This year as sophomores

And then the infinite next

When we’re both vexed

But now, you won’t have to worry anymore or shed a single other tear

I’ll be here to lend an ear
My dear

Because you can always go back to this praise

I’ll be remembering these days

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

predictions

so i'm starting back on monday.
and i'm making myself a list of things that i want to have accomplished by the end of it. freshman year was one thing in itself. there were a lot of things that i expected to happen that didn't, a lot of things that happened that i didn't expect. maybe if i set them myself, i'll be more in control:

get a B+ in spanish [ ]
feel comfortable in photo [ ]
not get discouraged in APUSH [ ]
stay on top of studying [ ]
not get lower than a C+/B- on any of my finals [ ]
visit marci [ ]
try harder to get along with my mom [ ]
get kissed [ ]
learn to drive [ ]
do well, "not just passing", on the OGT's [ ]
make less mistakes [ ]
keep my friendships [ ]
babysit catie and allie [ ]
feel inspired to play [ ]
run at least once a week [ ]
feel good about who i am and what i look like [ ]
keep promises [ ]
snowboard in ski club [ ]
go to a concert [ ]
write my letters [ ]
keep going to temple [ ]
visit katia [ ]
send hilary her birthday package [ ]
take steps back when i feel overwhelmed [ ]
not to overload my schedule [ ]
balance peer pressure better [ ]
make a difference [ ]

the tally will be taken last day of school.

well.

so the last time that i talked to tj was over a week ago; we were supposed to get together to paint his guitar and i dunno, schedules conflicted and we never ended up getting together. so for a few days after that i just kind of let things be but then i called on sunday, left a message, called on monday, left a message, called today, left a message. i mean- school is starting monday [insert thunderclap here and lights dimming] but i would kind of like to see him or at least talk to him before then. and since i only have one way of talking to him, phone, it makes things more difficult because i can't email him or IM him and i guess that's my own fault for falling into modern ways of communication but i dunno, things would be easier that way. i think the thing that's starting to bother me is that i don't know where he is or what is going on. i mean if i knew he was on vacation or at work or something, that would be fine. but i dont want to have to start worrying that like something bad happened? i worry about that too often anyways. i was considering writing him a letter, we've done letters, but i dunno. i just wish i knew what was going on because i can't ask anyone, i don't know anyone that would know where he was.

that's just on top of my work that i had intended to finish.
i dunno. optimism! let's try to remember that one.

mike the mailman

so basically i was going to get into this blog and the 'we'll remember your password' thing ran out of time and i was left trying to remember what it could possibly be. so i figured, i'd just send a little 'you were supposed to remember this and now that you aren't then i need an email to reset it' message to my email. i go to my email and not one but four emails are there explaining how i should reset my password. as i was trying to figure out why i had four and how to reset it, i remembered my old password and went back to the homepage and logged in.

so i've been waiting anxiously for my schedule since i realized school will actually come like it has every other year and that maybe i'll be less nervous once i get my list [haha, who am i kidding]
today everyone else got theirs mid morning and i began pacing and wondering why we had to get our mail mid afternoon instead. however, i've always loved mike the mailman, mike came to our house early today! thrilling the experience was. so i got advanced photography like i wanted, have a nice lunch and good spanish class. three things i was worried about can now go away. now don't think that just because those things went vamos that the rest of it will be a breeze. but i am going to chicago in october and i have to remember that i have got to push myself for that. i want to be on my A game this year, no more 'meh meh i'm a little freshman and high school is for tough guys and i'm not'. no no, it'll be more like 'oh man, i am that tough guy, look at me go'


and then i'll drop my books and get lost in the hallways. but i can dream.
so take this, little good listener blog, as my promise that i won't be on a C or D game but an A game. alriiiight.

wrapped in a bow

oh blog i am quite sorry for neglecting you so.
i must say i've been unfaithful and given mr. livejournal more attention.
but here! alas! a journal entry from me to you wrapped in a bow!

ah the wrath of an angry sophomore at 3am.
so since i've dubbed 'allowed to be angry' onto myself;
i'll continue.
i've been working[prettyfairlyreally]hard on a history essay and only to my dismay [imayhaverealizedthisfromthegetgobutbeen

toostubborn] that my SUMMARY is almost three pages. uhm, the WHOLE THING has to be from 2-3. that would mean about one sentence to describe the murderer, two sentences to say two things i liked and didn't like about the book, and maybe if i'm lucky two sentences about the author's perspective. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhshit.
so once again, i take my mouse, and highlightandcut 10 sentences and dull down the other 20 so that i can write in the goddamn length requirement.
and to think that some kids have trouble writing two pages.
i wouldnt have so much of a problem if i didn't have to fucking double space it.
that makes some kids really happy. no,no, not me. not miss lets write a novel for every paper.
sakdjsakdjsdjksaasaksajdsakeuwieusa8desajkdjsakjsdkw3k298ekdqsadkj*&#jkskdjsad8&Ea83o8fdsajd.
and THAT'S even too long ^^
goodfuckingnightfuckers

oh too sad. you were hoping it was a NICE post? ahh. no wayy.

ah.

some thoughts:
a) i think tonight is going to start some very nice things for me.
b) i was at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding and i've always loved the idea of a wedding and how pretty a wedding can be, how sweet the couple is together.
c) irony plays a part and i am now in a reeeeeelatioship.
d) i'm already comfortable and ready to see where things go, how things work and what things are
e) it's about time
f) gooooood love is on the way


and a ps by the way: i could really go for a big glass of lemonade.
thats all folks <333

the awakening.

Read by Jason Heymann at the Anaf Campfires, Kallah Aleph, 2007.
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening…

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella (or vice versa) and that in the real world, there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process: a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything: it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt, responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the person on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love: and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 2 or 30 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.”

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and you won’t settle for less. You internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our sould; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving worth working for and that wishing for something to happen in different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers, it’s just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted: things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

backseat goodbye never gets old.

here's to you.
*cracks open assorted alcohol.
and what's this? you can drink it too?
jesus, why, that's fantastic!
you are the single greatest inspiration.

and to all of you that have no idea who i'm talking about- shame, shame.
chad sugg (backseat goodbye) is the best lyricist you can ever come across.
i don't know if you think that you've found your favorite band yet but if you haven't, and even if you have, he's your man. go now and swim around in his music.

june!

today was my last day of the hell week aka finals.
oh i am super happy.
there isn't any way to describe all the good things that happened to me today.
so! i'll list them all!

-multi grain cereal
-freshly sharpened pencils
-a ride to school
-desks on a slant facing NOT uphill
-cookies for lunch
-having a half an hour break where there was the potential to study but by the time that we all got to the cafeteria, it was time to go back
-not throwing up from the UPHILL desks
-A PERFECT AFTERNOON
-MY IPOD ARRIVING
-boston market for dinner
-donuts and muffins on sale
-putting a penny on the ground face up for someone to find
-figuring out that my iPod will. in fact. fit. in. my. pocket.
-eating the boston market
-sharing the news of my PERFECT AFTERNOON with everyone i know
-figuring out how to put the videos back on my camera after deleting them off of it
-one tree hill episode before season finale
-staying up late to play with my iPod and NOT HAVING TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.
-or for the rest of the summer
-SIX DAYS LEFT BEFORE I GO HOME AGAIN.

ps. i love you all.

molly.

i have a friend of mine
that i know i'll have forever since she makes me smile.
don't believe me? don't care? ackk too bad. now that you started reading, keep going. its gets better.

getzwigywithit: well that's a :)
getzwigywithit: and school's almost done
getzwigywithit: so you have two :) :)
getzwigywithit: and camp in two weeks
getzwigywithit: :) :) :)
TheMelloTwitch83: so im up to three
getzwigywithit: i'm counting your ":)"
TheMelloTwitch83: thank you :-)
TheMelloTwitch83: oh! four!
getzwigywithit: yes
getzwigywithit: and lets see
getzwigywithit: your friends with me
getzwigywithit: so now your up to seven
getzwigywithit: because i am worth three
TheMelloTwitch83: you are worth five
TheMelloTwitch83: im up to 10
getzwigywithit: woot!!
getzwigywithit: lets see
getzwigywithit: what else
getzwigywithit: it's sunny
getzwigywithit: so now we're at 11
TheMelloTwitch83: 11
TheMelloTwitch83: i found a good new song?
TheMelloTwitch83: 12?
getzwigywithit: yep
getzwigywithit: so there's tweleve
getzwigywithit: which is almost one for everyday until camp
TheMelloTwitch83: okay :-)
TheMelloTwitch83: 13!
getzwigywithit: so :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

i'm floating<3

stomach virus

oh im cursing whatever i ate.
stomach viruses stink because
a) apparently you get unreasonably grumpy
b) you give up on helping an issue that you should have given up long ago on
c) you lose interest in looking pretty the next day at school, happening to be a wednesday
d) the after taste of throw up is still lingering around in you which the satisfaction of actually throwing up
e) you constantly feel like you have a fever and you don't
f) the flavor of antacids doesn't favor at all between color, shape, size.

ps and by the way-"this doesn't make me very happy" can be the understatement for the year.

realistic

"i realized that i've been waiting for a really happy time in my life but i figured out the other day that there won't be something like that and i can't keep waiting..so, i have to pick up on all the little things and mentally just get over the crap. then it's okay"

i haven't heard anything this smart, this realistic, this right in awhile.
elissa is one of the few people that understands how to make me smile, how to get me out of the ditches and through the muck. so when she talked to me tonight and came to this realization, i came to my own realization that the next time someone asks me what my philosophy is- i'm going to tell them just that. its not cynical, its not pessimistic.
its just the way that things are.

backseat goodbye aka the greatest band your ears can hear

i figured 'hey. i posted this everywhere else i could since i'm just that much in love with his world, i might as well post it here'
plus, it blows off some steam from issues that have just been making themselves priority whether its my saying they are priority or not.

..well we could take off each other's clothes
or be best friends in the middle of the road
or we could just talk shit about tomorrow and it how it never adds up
well we could touch lips for the hell of it
it's a nice day and we're just kids
there's nothing to do anyway in this town made for two
i don't know what you meant
but i know what you said
about the big nights
about the blue sky
and the indifferent way you talk about the past you like
maybe you should write a book about it
or a song that we'll all sing along to
with la da da i'm so damn glad you moved to the city
and that's too bad you lost what you loved
it's an ugly world but you can smile all you want
well here we are in the back of your car
our hands move to the beat of our hips
no one has to know the truth about this
we we're "just out for a walk and a kiss or two"
i'll tell you girl you do a number on me
with those eyes i swear you stole from the sky
all i need, is you tonight
i don't know what you meant
but i know what you said
about the big nights
about the blue sky
and the indifferent way you talk about the past you like
maybe you should write a book about it
or a song that we'll all sing along to
with la da da i'm so damn glad you moved to the city
and that's too bad you lost what you loved
it's an ugly world but you can smile all you want
won't you meet at the sidewalk if you want
i know you know the whole truth and nothing but the
someone said you were leaving town soon
well if so then i am too
yeah we're a mess but that's fine 'cause it's me and you
well we could climb trees and lay in their leaves
they won't mind as long as we ask nice
you won't mind as long as i ask nice
or so i'm told
well we could carve hearts out of falling stars
chase the wind down the winding streets
ride in cars for hours to nowhere
we're a mess, but that's fine, 'cause it's you and me
we're a mess, but that's fine
we don't need no time to keep up with the days
you keep telling your lies
i'll keep singing these shitty love songs..

ladies and gentlemen. i think since you now have the lyrics to sidewalk sing along, we should go outside to sing it along.

ha. no seriously, he makes me trust old friends again, make new ones, and let my head follow my heart's lead.

so i think you'll get a big smile out of going to his site(s) to
a) listen to all of his songs
b) buy all of his merchandise
c) feel like living life to the greatest fulfillment

http://www.purevolume.com/backseatgoodbye
http://www.myspace.com/backseatgoodbye

http://backseatgoodbye.bigcartel.com/
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=26643815

and go from there. you all can manage your little fingers to click on all the other sites of his.
but i think you should go to them all. i do.

lets let our dream come true again.
Shayna

ps. his newest album comes out on the last day of my spring break so I've decided to celebrate that by finally scooping up his CDs and stickers galore.

pps. i realized now with my NEW AND IMPROVED DAZZLING ACCOUNT, I CAN ADD BULLET NUMBERING.
watch out world- we're about to have a party with that one.

-_____________________________________________-

technology and me.

alright alright.
before i get into the blog that i was trying to simply paste from my other spots to this one,
i ran into a bitofconfusion.

like i said, i expected to just hop and skip around the 'new blogger' feature to where i felt comfortable with my old one.

no such luck this time.
after about 8 times of trying to log in anyways, i realized the computer no longer feels the need to succumb and break down because i rebelled.
so then i tried to make a new account.
which took long enough in itself.

and THEN when i had successfully gotten into the 'new blogger'
i was greeted with bells and whistles which, again, i didn't want.
anyways, i gave in and broke up so
here i am.
practically in one piece.
now should i see what kind of new post options my 'new blogger' account has come with?!?

one day.

okay.
one more day before spring break and i can't even describe how elaaaaaated i am.
seriously, seriously, stoked.

i'm done with doing homework and studying for 10 days with the exception of beck.
but he's always giving work. most of which i kick and scream though but really do enjoy doing.
i feel bad if i'm too hard on him recently because he's been having a tough time.

i realized the other day that i shouldn't really keep my feelings about people at bay.
i'm not talking about if i don't like a senior's pants that i'm about to go and SAY something since uhm, i would preeeeeeeeetty much get jumped right off.

but more like, if i like spending time with you, i'm saying so.
ireallyhavesomefantasticpeopleinmylife.
and it's about time i started saying that.
because i was thinking about marci and how much i would have liked to just give her more hugs and tell her how truly angelic i thought she was.
i guess i'm doing that by spending time with her girls but i really want to just get one more day back to tell her everything back the way it was JUST to say that i really love her.

i came to the conclusion that we're not getting those second chances or those 'one more day' days so i might as well take things by the balls and just suck up whether or not the reaction will be positive.

as my new expression of the minute.
i'm not 'figgin' letting my people get away.
i'm telling them <3

black.ink.guilt

this post won't be too long; my message is fairly straight forward and i really don't feel like giving you kids any analytical mysteries today.

i feel like i've been exposed and no,
i wasn't printed without clothes on some tabloid or caught dancing with the near to death mayor of a city too small to remember.
(celebrities, i would just like to add, are complete morons with all that fame ^^)

i've been meddling over with a lot of issues these past couple of weeks, months even and i am completely frustrated that i've come up with absolutely no conclusion of any of them. but as far as i'm concerned, my exposure came a little too dark for my liking and i feel like if you looked again, the photos of this story miiight come out better. writing seems to be my safe outlet to plug my emotions into. that is now shot to hell because i think too much and worry about who i've hurt and who is hurting and who will be hurt.

i don't actually try to start issues believe it or not and i get no pleasure out of being in the midst of them. really, it's not one of those things that i go off skipping into with a handful of daises.

i truly hate drama and though i know it comes with the package of being a girl and also of being in high school, i'd like to have an out of body experience and just observe what i'm doing with anyone in my life. i'm not going to start crying or start slitting my wrists anytime soon but i'm just not that happy with things. simple as that, i'm just not that happy. i find my nose turned up and my lip curled into a scowl more than i intend it to and i need something to escape to.

i'll find it, i know i will.
but i just feel as if i'm starting to lie to my diary and it's just getting good.

ps. major major kudos go out to Jimmy Robbins; Too Sorry For Apologies.

pps. or maybe its pss but which ever way, i may have overstuffed your brains with things to delve into in this post and i guess the intention of making it simple and non-analytical just made it that much more of a goal to confuse you all.

when did this all fall apart?

to actually explain all the confusion in my world right now would make you read for a year or more. so to simply put things, i'm pretty disappointed with life right now.
i don't know when things got so darn complicated because last time i checked
we all played nicely with each other on the playground
and now we're a bunch of bullies?
high school is brutal. and people are mean.
but i hope that changes soon. and that i change too.
because right now.
i'm pretty disappointed with life.

i'm sorry i let down my guard for you

"you win; i lose.










[it's all a big empty space]














and i don't need your sympathy because i'll always be fine."








[that needs to be filled without you by my side for me to survive]

happy..birthday to me (this is really..reallly..late..)

i didn't realize that this was in draft.
so enjoy my birthday blog..now that its practically a month later..:-/

eiik. today is my birthday.
and my email so kindly reminded me that yes. in fact ME was born today and to send her a card.
and that this event ladies and gentlemen..happens every year.


go figure.
15 years of getting that email and i still get a kick out of it.
go listen to some chad sugg, 100th or May, and john mayer just for me.
trust meeeee <333

-1000 degrees

okay. last time i checked, being a kid wasn't supposed to be this hard.
homework consumes me to a point where i'm not getting much (if any) sleep
and i dont feel like looking nice or acting pleasantly.

if it has to snow, why doesnt it snow us out of school?
if teachers feel like they have to "challenge us" why do we have to be "challenged" with overlapping projects and pointless projects?
if drama is part of a teenager's life, then why do so many of us want to kill each other because of it?
if boys are so much trouble, why do we keep falling for them?


if questions are asked
where are the answers?


i have hope and i may just be "hopelessly hopeful to be hopeful enough"
that maybe i'll become brave enough to blaze through the
heartache and the headaches for him
either that or i'll have to pick myself up each morning and place the big question mark into the invisible tears that i stream in the halls,
waiting for the day someone will figure it out and find it there
and then place me on their shoulders, carrying me along until
i'm strong enough to walk along side them.


for now, ill keep asking, and keep listening.
and know that this loveistheonlything making me smile for him
in case he'll notice
and in case i'll be watching with my head up and not hung.


ps. its like -1000 degrees outside and -1000000000 inside me.

the village sessions

alrighty now even though i think everyone should own everything that john mayer has ever done to the max, but owning The Village Sessions EP he produced after producing Continuum has got to be one of the greatest, most soothing and rewarding cds I think I will ever own;

so get out there kids.
and buy it with your pennies.
because its the greatest thing
that will ever happen to you.

finals.suck.

okay.
so.
finals.
are.
officially.
the sdkjwedklzolpq-est.
worthless.
piece.
of wasted.
papers.
i have.
ever.
had.
to.
take.


just to let you all know;
i could quite possibly be in mid-crisis at any point.
or in complete breakdown all the time.
yupp.