slip

i honestly still don't know.
i mean i just feel like i cant talk to anyone about this-
blah, blah, people are there. i know.
it's just hard to talk about it because i'm just getting used to it.
i don't want to say i like it- i know that i shouldn't- i know all of the answers to all of the questions that people will ask me. i just need a good shake on the shoulders but no one has done that yet and i haven't been able to give myself one. i'm just not ready yet- i still don't know.

"perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically
to those who hardly think about us in return."

and i guess i'm willing to lay it on the line for people who won't really care
because i really feel like things have changed with those who do care.
it's just so awkward. i mean- i can really feel the change as i talk about it.
there's a total shift in the conversation and it's so judgmental.

i guess i'm afraid of not finding myself and having everyone else figure me out before i'm ready to be shown off. i think this is my way of getting in touch with myself. my dreams have changed, my mind has slipped, my body is slowly following. i don't know. i know i shouldn't close down at night when i'm alone or lose myself when i walk back from school. i'm doing a mighty fine job of masking what's going on at school. it's just that when i get alone with my thoughts, it's scary. i don't know how i got to this place in my head and how everything that i thought spilled out for me to have to clean up.

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there…because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't."

i really just wonder when things will change back again. i'm sure they will eventually. i just want to be living my life with meaning while i wait. i just want to be able to do something that means something to someone, to anyone. i know i make a difference. i just don't feel like i have a big enough voice or a big enough dream or a big enough heart or anything. i just really, really small in this world these days.

I figured you'd catch me whenever I fell
But I guess it isn't easy to see
How much these days I've been slippin' farther down
Than I was a few weeks ago and
I'd just as soon rather put that clothespin back
On my chapped lips
Let it stay until I could figure out a way
To let you catch me, unclip me, save me.
I figured you'd catch me whenever I fell
But I guess it isn't easy to see
And afterall, I've been waiting for you to come
See my pain and wash it away with the sound of your voice, with the feeling of your touch
But there's no way that you could
Catch me, unclip me, save me whenever I fell
With as many times as I've been slippin' these days
I figured you'd catch me whenever I fell
But I guess it isn't easy

I don't want to.

"No man..
..For any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."

What the hell am I doing? I don't really know. I am having so much trouble knowing what to do, what to say, what to, what to, what to. I guess what I do know is I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone- like really realllly talk to anyone. I know I can talk to people but I don't know. I feel like I can't since I can't even think to myself about what's going on. I didn't like the whole urging feeling I got to do it again. And I don't think I really should have liked the feeling of doing it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I can't figure it out. I don't know. I feel like whenever I tell someone, it doesn't get the response I want. And I don't know even what response of if I want a response from them. I feel like people's opinions change of me when I tell them- those I told at least. I mean like I feel like either, like tonight, it was cookie cutter questions that I was being grilled on. Then before that it was like almost good enough advice but it didn't quite quite get there because I wanted more. The other afternoon it was a hey! buddy! hows it going kiddo!? email. And then before that first off it was just weird. I didn't like it. I don't know. I feel like they're judging me but almost like they almost care enough. I don't know. I don't want to be stupid about it. I know they care. I don't know. They do. Maybe I just don't. And not like dramatically like I don't care, oh man I don't, no no. But like I just don't really care I think. More like a nonchalant kind of no caring? Only like a few more degrees. I don't like answering questions. I know what to ask myself. I just don't know the answers. So I guess I feel like I don't know besides knowing I don't want to talk to anyone about it anymore. Yuck. I know all the tests, I know all the signs. I just don't want to. That I know at least. I just don't know if that's a good thing. Knowing that at least? Maybe? Probably not. I don't know. That's what this all comes down to. I don't know.

"We all live in a house of fire..

..No fire department to call. No way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns down the house...with us trapped, locked in it."
"When so many are lonely as seems to be lonely it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone"
_Tennessee Williams

"Who knows what true happiness is? Not the conventional word, but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory. Or some illusion."
_Joseph Conrad

"There will always be something to ruin our lives. It all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken."
_Charles Bukowski

.

i was watching a movie tonight
and i really couldn't figure out what happened in my mind
i know that earlier today, i was feeling slip-py
and i figured going out would be the fix but what frustrates me is that i came home
and i was watching that movie
and again, i let my mind wander off and get off of its track
i wish it was as simple as reaching into my head and just fumbling around with the car of all my thoughts and then putting it back onto the tracks and letting it go straight again. but i can't figure out what happened that i fell off again. maybe i wasn't on so securely the first time, i don't know. i'm getting a bad feeling that i faked whatever was fine. i'm not really sure what is going on. i want things to be better, i do. or maybe i don't. i don't really know.
i just want to know what's going on. if i knew at least, it'd be better. i hope so. i don't know what to do. last time i was like alright, do this, do that, tell them, do this, it'll be good. but now i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm off track for sure. that's all i do know.
is knowing that better? or maybe i need to be floating around more and then i wouldn't be in this place at all if i were ignorant to what was going on. i don't know.

.

i still can't figure out what it is or what to do.

"And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not..What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me. Root for others. Give more and expect the same in return, but over time."
-John Mayer [blog]

i'm getting concerned

that i'm losing sight of what i want and who i want to be.
i can't really help thinking that i'm changing myself whenever it's convenient
and making myself up for whoever is watching
in order to make myself more desirable or more attractive to them
and i think i would be fine, unfortunately, if it were working
but i can't find out even who i should be for someone let alone who i can be for myself.
i don't even know what i should do to fix it
or i mean i guess i don't know even if i want to fix it
i think i have to work on distancing myself from what i think is screwing me up.
maybe it's so i can look more dramatic but maybe it'll look
i really want things to be better, things to be happier again and stay that way
i don't really know what's wrong and i'm getting worried since i can't really pinpoint
what gets me to do the things i do or say. i don't know. i'm drifting slowly to the wrong side
of who i should be and who i want to be.