slip

i honestly still don't know.
i mean i just feel like i cant talk to anyone about this-
blah, blah, people are there. i know.
it's just hard to talk about it because i'm just getting used to it.
i don't want to say i like it- i know that i shouldn't- i know all of the answers to all of the questions that people will ask me. i just need a good shake on the shoulders but no one has done that yet and i haven't been able to give myself one. i'm just not ready yet- i still don't know.

"perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically
to those who hardly think about us in return."

and i guess i'm willing to lay it on the line for people who won't really care
because i really feel like things have changed with those who do care.
it's just so awkward. i mean- i can really feel the change as i talk about it.
there's a total shift in the conversation and it's so judgmental.

i guess i'm afraid of not finding myself and having everyone else figure me out before i'm ready to be shown off. i think this is my way of getting in touch with myself. my dreams have changed, my mind has slipped, my body is slowly following. i don't know. i know i shouldn't close down at night when i'm alone or lose myself when i walk back from school. i'm doing a mighty fine job of masking what's going on at school. it's just that when i get alone with my thoughts, it's scary. i don't know how i got to this place in my head and how everything that i thought spilled out for me to have to clean up.

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there…because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't."

i really just wonder when things will change back again. i'm sure they will eventually. i just want to be living my life with meaning while i wait. i just want to be able to do something that means something to someone, to anyone. i know i make a difference. i just don't feel like i have a big enough voice or a big enough dream or a big enough heart or anything. i just really, really small in this world these days.