I don't want to.

"No man..
..For any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."

What the hell am I doing? I don't really know. I am having so much trouble knowing what to do, what to say, what to, what to, what to. I guess what I do know is I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone- like really realllly talk to anyone. I know I can talk to people but I don't know. I feel like I can't since I can't even think to myself about what's going on. I didn't like the whole urging feeling I got to do it again. And I don't think I really should have liked the feeling of doing it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I can't figure it out. I don't know. I feel like whenever I tell someone, it doesn't get the response I want. And I don't know even what response of if I want a response from them. I feel like people's opinions change of me when I tell them- those I told at least. I mean like I feel like either, like tonight, it was cookie cutter questions that I was being grilled on. Then before that it was like almost good enough advice but it didn't quite quite get there because I wanted more. The other afternoon it was a hey! buddy! hows it going kiddo!? email. And then before that first off it was just weird. I didn't like it. I don't know. I feel like they're judging me but almost like they almost care enough. I don't know. I don't want to be stupid about it. I know they care. I don't know. They do. Maybe I just don't. And not like dramatically like I don't care, oh man I don't, no no. But like I just don't really care I think. More like a nonchalant kind of no caring? Only like a few more degrees. I don't like answering questions. I know what to ask myself. I just don't know the answers. So I guess I feel like I don't know besides knowing I don't want to talk to anyone about it anymore. Yuck. I know all the tests, I know all the signs. I just don't want to. That I know at least. I just don't know if that's a good thing. Knowing that at least? Maybe? Probably not. I don't know. That's what this all comes down to. I don't know.