i'm just

really.
really.
really.
really.
tired.



physically, emotionally, spiritually.






tired.

what happened, happened.

seriously? that was ridiculous.
what happens .. did happen.
although i'm admitting that i didn't let it go entirely
because i'm just not that able.
not yet anyways.
but it did help a hell of a lot that the first time i seriously took this and said to myself over and over
"what happens, happens"
and then it did.
things aren't solidified yet but that would be too easy.
my anxiety is still at about a 7 .. okay, maybe an 8
about this but it used to be at 2400.
it's so crazy.
i'm just happy that i was able to step out of the situation
and say 'what happens, happens'

so say it for yourself once in awhile
and remember that 'what happens, happens'
even if you're still saying it when it doesn't happen.
it'll help. it'll work.

i was so angry earlier today and now
there's a new step
and a step from there and then from there.
this. will. work.
it. will. work.
it. will. be. great.


it. will. happen.

what happens?

let's go back to the beginning of summer.
or at least skip ahead to august 2nd.
i can't figure out what's going on and it's making me really anxious.
i figured "okay, don't check your email at all tonight and then, then you'll get an email"
that was last night. so i woke up and i figured "okay, there are pretttttttyy good chances there will be some sort of something response." but then i thought "no, don't cross your fingers, that's putting too much on the line" and THEN i thought "what the hell, cross your fingers, that won't change anything. there'll be something or there won't."

thats optimism to luck to superstition to indifference in a matter of a minute and a half as my email loaded. 8 new emails. i figured then "okay, okay, just scan the first four..nothing? it's okay. it's probably in the four you can't see." i figured then "it's gotta be" and then i figured "no, it won't be. well, maybe. well, no. well, maybe" and then i decided to just look.

and low and behold ...

absolutely nothing. nada. nope. nothing.
i'm so bummed. i can't understand what's going on.
and i think i'd feel better if i could do one of three things:
1. see in the future to the day before and just seeeeeee if i'm giddy or absolutely peeved.
2. [i like these numbers in this font btw] look inside my computer and through to the one over there and see if there's like a communication button not pushed or something
3. GET AN ANSWER.

eerrrrrrrp. this is making me really anxious.
i can't do anything else but wait now and i guess i've got to put it in someone else's hands to figure this out. what happens, happens. let's just say that..

what happens, happens.
thats it. i'm not going to think about this anymore.
what happens, happens.
plain and simple.
what happens, happens.





what happens, happens.

déjà vu?

new music &
a full day.
3:20 am.

....


you would think i would be able to sleep.
and you would think i would want to sleep.
and you would think i wouldn't be so unhappy.

but i can't pin point it.
i'm in my head too much.

....

déjà vu?
to a post a while back? when i said i was getting *out* of my head?i can't figure it out. i feel like i need something to click
so i know i belong and that things are good.
i don't get it. what am i looking for?
what am i missing? what am i asking for?
what am i doing for myself? what am i doing for everyone else?
what am i looking for? i don't get it.

....

hm?

well. that was interesting.
i'm not quite sure what happened but.
i'm going to stay positive-
let it work itself out;
it will, it'll be fine.
it's alright.

tomorrow

it's interesting how we were talking about how the nights are
most depressing.
i just have to tell myself that
in the morning, i'll feel fine. i'll feel good.
tomorrow is a new day.
there's new things to do. there's more time.
it'll be okay.
it's a new day tomorrow.
i'll feel good.