"Sometimes pain becomes such a big part of your life, that you expect it to always be there because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then, one day, you feel something else. Something that feels wrong but only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment, you realize. You're happy" For awhile, I would have rather just tucked myself away with my iPod and slipped on my headphones. The world was too noisy for me - I didn't want to listen to anything because I figured that all I needed to hear, I could control. Yeah, right. Now, I'm still spending most of my time listening but I'm not listening to just my own thoughts anymore. At some point, a few weeks ago, things started to change. I stopped crying as much and I stopped getting angry as much. I started to put my time into dancing around in the darkroom rather than sulking. I started smiling in the halls more rather than just trying to get to class. Granted, I'm still sad. But I'm sad now when something sad happens rather than assuming that something sad is always going to be going on and just being sad. I thought that was what I was supposed to feel like. I thought that I was supposed to just be like that because I was in pain and I was hurting. But now, I'm happy. I told myself that when it first started, I was just on a good streak - that something horrible would come and sweep me up because I had my guard down - because I was actually laughing and I was actually singing and being with people. I've stopped turning down as many plans as I used to. I thought that if I was alone, I could figure everything out and then after I figured everything out, I could go be with people. Again - yeah, right. I'm going to take these good days as they are - good days. I don't need to go look for the bad. I don't need to turn things over so often that I lose any good that they once held. I'm taking chances. Granted, small chances. But, hell, two months ago? I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I would be happy for more than an afternoon, let alone what's going on now. Something changed. I'd like to think it's me but it's not entirely. I'm still listening to music nonstop. But I'm not tucking myself away. I'm playing it outside, I'm playing it loudly, I'm playing it for and with other people. The world isn't any less noisy these days. If anything, it's nosier. But now, I'm listening to what's going around me and talking back. Now, I'm mixing my noise right along with it.