so tomorrow

so i'm trying to be patient with you.
and it's working out.
i know you're trying not to step on my toes.
and i'm trying not to step on yours.
i think this whole awkward phase is passing, right?
it has to pass - i can't have it not.
i'm all wound up but i should sleep.
it seems like sometimes i'm just in a different world than you
our schedules are so different that we have to promise that we'll talk.
i know it's hard but it has to work because i can't have it not.
i'm going to relax tomorrow and try and be patient.
you'll call, we'll talk.
it's just so damn inconvenient sometimes.
and that's part of the frustration, yknow?
that it COULD be easier
but it's just not.
we're trying to work things out.
but i wish things hadn't changed there for awhile.
your voice now is so much quieter
so much more shy when you ask me how i am
almost like you're afraid of what i'll say
or maybe afraid of what i won't say.
but that email had to be sent.
and your answer was appreciated.
i just think that we can get through this
and we can get through it all -
we just have to keep moving
and keep making those promises
making time for each other in our worlds
and then maybe it won't be so hard to miss you
if there's a promise you'll come back.
i know that it's hard for you
being where you are and my being where i am
but i think you can do it.
i think i can do it too.
i think we just have to try
maybe now we have to try a little harder not to step on each others toes
be a little more shy.
but i think we can do it.
so tomorrow we'll talk
and tomorrow we'll try.
and tomorrow we'll work.

it isn't fair

i just wanted to tell you that i'm upset.
and that i'm not doing too well.
and that you brought up a lot of bad memories.
and that giving you that journal was my fault.
and that i need an outlet and you made it sound
like my outlet wasn't acceptable.
and i know it's not.
but i need you here still.
and i need you not to be upset with me.
because things are hard enough these days that i can't lose you.
i have to have you be with me still.
it isn't fair.

why

this is just really messed up.
i mean, yesterday right after was hard.
and then i tried to relax, forget about it, be alright.
and then it got so bad that i forgot how bad it could be.
i've never had something so bad.
i don't know what i can do.
i don't even know what i did.
i can't help thinking that this was the last healthy thing i had going
and how could i fuck it up.
i mean, yesterday was hard.
but this morning? is just indescribable.
i obviously was calling out for help when i wrote that and gave it to him.
i obviously was.
so when he called and asked me what was wrong.
so when he called and wanted me to get help.
so when he called and wanted TO help.
how could i push him and his advice away?
and did i push him away for good?
is he still willing to be there for me?
or did i exhaust my last hope
i don't know what happened but that last little piece we kept talking about?
it's even more broken now. and i don't think anyone will want that shard.
i don't even want it.
part of me wanted him to be here when i hung up, be here when i woke up, be here.
but i'm afraid i lost him.
why did i give that to him.
why did i let him in.
why did i do this.
i guess since it's done
i better figure it out.
because that crap i was feeling before
has just magnified to 80000 times more.
i feel like with any little cause, i'm going to lose it.
i feel like now on the verge of crying all the time.
i can't just give up.
not now.
but i feel like i'm losing this battle
and if i win, did i really?
because i can't figure it out.
but what i do know is that i messed up.
i'm just afraid i messed up for more than i had thought i could.
i just need to get away.
i have to. i can't be here anymore.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhattt now.
that was crazy. i can't believe with all the preparation that that was
that it's over this soon. this is nuts. im so upset

am i allowed

to be more excited for this weekend than i have been for anything this summer?
is that expecting too much?
i hope not .. i really, really, really need this to work out.
it just has to. please.

icanfeelthisone.
ineededthistonight.
iknowthatthiswillbeperfect.
andiknowitwillend.
butitwontbeover.
icanfeelthisone.
itsgoingtobealright.

today will be great ..

alright lucky post #85.
that's close to love potion #..9..
that sort of rhymes :]

today it is only 10:16 a.m
and there is much promise of a great day already
a) i have now finished both books for school and the paper writing is only left
b) i have a date scheduled to do chemistry
c) there's a phone call later
d) i have plans for the entire day


i really just feel like i'm going to love today.
if i don't, i'll make myself love it.
because today has too much potential to be
a really, really, really, really, great day.
to not have it be.
so today



will be




great.

i really don't

is that i don't really feel like i fit in all of a sudden.
i really can't figure out why, now, i feel like i don't have anyone.
i really can't figure it out.
i was totally in control just a little while ago.
this is so completely frustrating.
i just don't
fit.
and i am well aware that that sounds over dramatic
and mostly untrue
because, i mean, i get by.
but that's just the thing.
i'm just getting by.
i'm not really fitting in anywhere.
i'm just there.
and i think
that tonight when i was doing the usual of what i usually do
i thought to myself
'i'm really, really, tired'
but yknow that tired you get after you do something really great?
or have a really great conversation?
or just have a really great day?
that wasn't the kind of tired i have right now
nor has it been that kind of tired i've felt for the past i'm not sure how long.
i think i stay up because i'm waiting for something to happen.
i'm waiting for someone to come get me.
and help me fit.
because right now,
i just feel really alone.
i keep imagining what my life will be like in a few weeks,
in a few months,
in a few years.
and i just can't seem to get a handle on fitting.
i've got plans
and i do things
and i'm out
and i'm in
and i'm quite aware of what's going on around me.
only i just feel really, really, really
left out.























and i feel like i just really, really
don't fit.

no, no, no.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuugh.

so confused.

this is so confusing.
i just don't understand what is going on.
i thought, seriously, that i had a handle on things.
and i saw tonight that, once again, when i think
that things are working out.
that they, in fact, aren't.
i was perfectly content with not talking tonight.
i really, really was.
i thought "okay, so tomorrow"
then i talked.
and i thought
"okay, so tonight. that's great."
and for about a half an hour
it was great.
it was fun and it was going well.
and then, inevitably, it got cut off.
i don't know what. to do.
seriously.
i'm just so damn frustrated.
i am just so. so. frustrated.
it's so irritating.
i was so content just a little while ago.
and then i realized.
y'know what.
this. isn't. working.
i am so. confused.
i try and disengage.
i try and be affectionate.
i try and act indifferent.
i try. and it just doesn't work.
i'm so. frustrated.







i am so frustrated.