why

this is just really messed up.
i mean, yesterday right after was hard.
and then i tried to relax, forget about it, be alright.
and then it got so bad that i forgot how bad it could be.
i've never had something so bad.
i don't know what i can do.
i don't even know what i did.
i can't help thinking that this was the last healthy thing i had going
and how could i fuck it up.
i mean, yesterday was hard.
but this morning? is just indescribable.
i obviously was calling out for help when i wrote that and gave it to him.
i obviously was.
so when he called and asked me what was wrong.
so when he called and wanted me to get help.
so when he called and wanted TO help.
how could i push him and his advice away?
and did i push him away for good?
is he still willing to be there for me?
or did i exhaust my last hope
i don't know what happened but that last little piece we kept talking about?
it's even more broken now. and i don't think anyone will want that shard.
i don't even want it.
part of me wanted him to be here when i hung up, be here when i woke up, be here.
but i'm afraid i lost him.
why did i give that to him.
why did i let him in.
why did i do this.
i guess since it's done
i better figure it out.
because that crap i was feeling before
has just magnified to 80000 times more.
i feel like with any little cause, i'm going to lose it.
i feel like now on the verge of crying all the time.
i can't just give up.
not now.
but i feel like i'm losing this battle
and if i win, did i really?
because i can't figure it out.
but what i do know is that i messed up.
i'm just afraid i messed up for more than i had thought i could.
i just need to get away.
i have to. i can't be here anymore.