"Hey, tough day?"
"Yeah, I can't remember the last one that wasn't."

Sunday night, damn that night, was hard. I was overtired from Friday and Saturday, I was stressed out from Sunday morning and wiped from the afternoon. I'm glad that I didn't have to talk to anyone besides my dad right afterward - I guess I'm learning the difference and balance between letting it all go for a few minutes and being completely vulnerable and keeping it locked away inside and then exploding later. Went through both but I'm proud of myself for not cutting, honestly. I thought I was going to - I cried instead. I think that I'm learning tears aren't completely painless but they certainly are healthier and in respect to a pin, much less painful. Yeah, hard night. But, now it's already Wednesday and I haven't cried since. I'm doing alright again, I think. I just have to keep pushing. Honestly, I think it helps I have a period every day that I can listen to my iPod, read, write, sleep. For an entire hour, too. Days are tough without you, days are tough with you, days are just tough. But I have to keep my head up and my hands off my wrists. I told myself how disappointed I would be if I did and I just kept telling myself that it wasn't worth it, it wasn't. I've got to be getting stronger in some sense, then, if I can do that and talk myself out of it. I can't tell you, though, that I didn't when I wasn't to because I'd have to explain why I wanted to in the first place and that's complicated and messy and petty and vulnerable and mean. I really hate, HATE, being weak in front/because of you. It's not fair to either one of us and I hate knowing that I'm making you uncomfortable or that you're making me cry. So, I'm trying really hard. I'm working harder. I'm staying stronger. Because I need to wake up and have thoughts that don't start with sighs. Sunday was tough and since then, not so tough. I'm proud of myself - I am. It may seem stupid or that I'm selfish or that I should just be able to control everything but I can't and I'm really really working hard to keep things in a straight line and stay on that line. We'll talk soon, I'm sure. I won't tell you, I'm sure. But maybe we'll talk about something else. Maybe you'll know. You might. I wish you do.