here we go

i can only wake up on a monday morning so many times more
without the promise of better things
i can only read of adventures so many times more
without the knowledge of better days

i wish someone would tell me that -
that my heart is too big for this town

today, i spent two hours by myself,
taking pictures.
i turned in the roll
and looked at it 18 minutes later
and all 24 shots turned out; they're stuck in a tiny canister now.
that little grey container holds one afternoon of my time spent
and i realized that i'm getting better,
i'm getting more creative,
i'm getting more artistic.
and i don't think that i've ever shot an entire roll
of just myself.
i was too scared before, too self conscious.
i always wanted you to take the pictures of me
so i could image that you saw me as beautiful enough to take a picture of.
and i still want you to - i always will want you to see me as beautiful.
i'll always see you that way -
i think i was encouraged to do self portrait shots like this for the wrong reasons
that i was motivated because i wanted you to see me as beautiful even if you were gone and even if you were looking at other beautiful ideas.
but that doesn't mean that what i've gotten out of it isn't good
and for more right reasons than i could imagine -
it makes me feel really good to hold onto these negatives
and just have them all to myself for a little while. i love that feeling -
that butterfly feeling that i get when i look at something really, really good.
i can't wait to get back into the darkroom
and start printing these.
i've been discouraged lately with the scholastics disaster as i like to pity myself with -
but i'm trying really hard to make something of myself
especially these days when it seems that the world has been moving at a pace too fast
for me even to catch up, let alone hang on and i didn't think it'd be possible for me to
hold on if i did manage to hang on. but i'm really trying - to not get discouraged, to not get frustrated. to keep myself on the world's side at least rather than the bottom
and soon maybe i'll be on top of the world -
we'll see if you come around,
if i get on a plane anytime,
or if there's a promise for more than just a better tomorrow.
i don't know - there's a lot that i'm doing to keep my hands holding onto the world
to pick myself up, to pull myself around and put myself back on top - we'll see.
but for tonight, i'll just look at the negatives again.
i'll just look at those pictures and think of everything i've done, everything i still can do
i'm still struggling, i'm still lost. but i've got to hope that if i can do something entirely on my own for one afternoon
and not think if i look right or what someone would say or how it comes across -
then i've got to be getting somewhere.
that maybe the next step isn't going to be waiting for someone to check on me, for someone to call me and ask me how i am every afternoon. because that realistically won't happen - right now, i don't think anyone cares that much.
so i need to realize that i need to take it into my own hands and hand things over to someone else for a conversation.
tell someone that i'm lonely and sad and hurting
but that i'm talking,
that i'm answering questions
and that i'm putting myself in a conversation that i've been waiting for someone to start with me
that i'll start with someone instead. be willing to talk, not just willing to "let" people show how much they care for me
and allowing myself to be upset when they don't. i'm talking, answering, asking. it's important -
remind myself
that the world doesn't have to move too fast
to knock me over and under
as long as i'm willing to run for what i want to become

i'm not letting anyone do anything for me - which is exactly why i'm still cutting and why i'm still in pain. because it's that simple - i think i'm letting people in and i think that i'm letting people do things for me but i'm not. i'm letting myself think that i am. i'm not telling anyone anything, really. i act as if anything anyone does to me that bothers me is their fault - that they should call more or they should ask more or they should hug more. bullshit! i'm not letting anyone do anything and i just pretend that i am. i pretend so i can cut, i pretend so that when they cast their eyes everywhere else or they don't look at all or
when they don't ask at all,
that i'm not doing anything wrong - that i'm just simply continuing because no one is checking.

i had written up a long few paragraphs about how i couldn't find this image and that i remembered i wouldn't let myself save it because it would be inevitable that you would spend it with her. and i thought that if i didn't post it or save it or print it, that i was somehow granting myself satisfaction - that i was somehow allowing you that privelage of being with her. and i thought that somehow then the fact of you with her wouldn't bother me any longer. and after i canceled the document that housed this image, i was satisfied. i did in fact, feel as if i was okay with the two of you and your happiness with one another. and i forgot about it. until tonight and then i remembered that you don't know any of this - that my quiet satisfaction isn't really worth anything because the irritation and the anger and the ridiculousness that comes moments after my allowing myself to LET you be with her, is so much worse. and that's because i realize that i'm not letting you do anything. letting you do something is letting you wipe up a spill for me or letting you offer me a bite of your food. i'm not LETTING you date her at all - that's completely nuts. and i shouldn't be frustrated that you're happy with her. but that's the whole thing - i'm going to think selfishly for awhile and selfishly feel that i deserve you more. i talked to my therapist about it and i lied - i told her i didn't care that i felt forgotten about. but that's selfish. one, to think that i'm forgotten about because i'm not - you're just busy. and two, to think that i'm somehow getting away with something just because i don't let her in on my feelings. again, letting. you spent christmas with her and i tried to let myself think that i wouldn't care and that i was being the bigger person by telling myself i wouldn't look at this image and wish you were here with me instead of calling on the eve of christmas eve. i'm really a small person these days. see? i showed you all the image. i'm letting you see what i'm talking about. doesn't do a thing does it?

I'll find it. Maybe with you, maybe you'll be there with someone else.
Or maybe you'll come later by yourself. Maybe you won't come at all.
That's the reality of it - you aren't here with me now
But I still have to remember that I'll find somewhere
beautiful to get lost in.
With or without you.

I want my license -
I'm going to schedule my last two in cars this week
and then, before my birthday, i'll get my license.
And then I'll be able to find somewhere beautiful.
I know I can - I know that I will.
I'll bring a map, point, and drive.
I hope that someday, we'll do it together.
That we'll get lost again and it'll be beautiful.
Someday I'm sure that we will -
but for now, I'll get my license and start looking on my own.

yeah, so. i don't even know you - not really at least.
and i don't like you. you just seem mean. a little stuck up. and too talented. i'm struggling with photography
and i wanted to get into Scholastics very badly. i think that i wanted it for myself first but second, i wanted it to show you that i'm good. that i'm still here and that i need would like some praise for the good work that i do. because right now, i'm back to being uninspired and irritated. i've been avoiding looking at your work for awhile now but i did because i wanted to know what he's doing with you - it's my only way in. and it's only a sixteenth of a way in too. he was supposed to call and he didn't. i haven't heard from in since last sunday. it's been one week and he's been on break. so there should be some time for me. but i'm pretty sure that he's just busy. and he's busy with you. you seem mean. i don't know anything about you. and i know i shouldn't assume that your mean. but you can't get kicks on other people's feelings. broken feelings, nonetheless. it's ridiculous how many times i've seen you do this since you've gotten in on the inside track with him. i want to meet you and i want to see what you have to say for yourself. because right now, it sounds like you pretty much are just a mean, petty girl. and i want to talk to him but i'm waiting. because i'd drive down there any time just to see him. but your there now and the priorities are so different, it's not even funny. i don't know. i want to ask him about you. but it's clearly not my place. i just have to know that i fit somewhere though. because it's like i'm willing to cut myself open, put myself out there, and let you fiddle around with whatever piece you'd like first and then discard it along the highway back home. i don't know. i just wish he'd call. tell me what was going on, why he hasn't talked to me. i'm tired of trying to decide why these things are happening but all i know is that they are. and i don't like it and it doesn't matter.

it's getting really cold here.
it's starting to feel like Christmas ..
and below zero!

"These City Lights"
i picked out a book yesterday, 'Chicago At Night'
for one of my Christmas presents
it was on sale.
and it was beautiful.
i really want to travel so i can photograph places at night
especially Chicago.
i think places are just more beautiful in the night
or in the very early morning light
when there's a cross between the day before and the next
and there's so much unknown
and everything fades into the distance
i want to take photographs of beautiful things like that
like the unknowns
like the promises
like the love
that you can feel from seeing a place, seeing a light,
seeing a city.
but i have to wait it out - wait out here only a few states away
before i can go when i'm older, right? i can go when i'm brave?
i have such a grand idea of what beauty is
and how easily i could get if only i were able to get there
and i think that as long as i tell myself that i can't get there,
that it's not the right time or not enough money or it's too crazy,
then i don't have to deal with the fact
that i can't accept beauty here
and that i can't accept other people being able to find theirs
in their girlfriends or their music or their grades or their cars or their work
because i'm willing to just say that beauty is out of my reach
and then that way, i don't have to tell myself that i'm scared that i won't find beauty
or that i'm scared that i'll never be happy where i am
but i am
but i won't let myself think that
not for now at least
because i bought a book yesterday, 'Chicago At Night'
so that i can look at it on Christmas morning
and not think of the beauty that everyone else has on that same morning
and just let myself believe that my beauty is only a few states away
or a few perfect pictures away or a few people away
and then, i don't have to tell myself that i don't think i'll let myself have beauty
yesterday, there was the possibility of going to Columbus
there was the possibility of seeing you, of talking to you,
of hearing you play your songs.
i got so excited when i saw it - i thought that everything going on with my family
would be swept away if i were able to go
my dad said no at first and i was angry
then, it turned into maybe
and then it turned into probably, yes
and then - no.
he said that if these things weren't going on with the family,
if the adults didn't need to meet to talk about what to do for my grandma
then he would have taken me
everyone else got angry when he offered up different solutions to when they could all talk
that was a horrible "lunch"
i forgot what it was like to be hurt and then have a good cry about it
i was so looking forward to it
and i know it was selfish of me
but i figured that i was just a kid
but i'm not - i have to grow up sometime
i just wanted to see you again
you said we would talk on friday and we didn't
i called on saturday when i thought there was a possibility of seeing you
you didn't call back
and this morning, i figured you'd have left a message or emailed me or something
you didn't do either
i don't know what's going on is why i'm disappointed
it doesn't seem fair to me that i could have been there
i figured out how i wanted to photograph your studio
how i wanted to get new footage of you playing
and i guess around 2:30, the answer was a definite no
my dad asked me on the ride home from "lunch" if he should just give in,
let the other adults have what they wanted and meet after dinner
i said yes but it hurt - giving up wasn't what i'm used to doing
when it comes to seeing you play - i usually beg, borrow, and steal
and my dad knows how much i love it
and he lived on N High when he was younger and teaching there
would have been a good trip down memory lane
he asked me this morning if i had heard anything about it
i guess i'm avoiding it until i talk to you directly
i don't know how long that'll be
hopefully soon
we're headed out for another lunch and it won't be "lunch" like yesterday
but i would have much prefeered to be rolling out of bed at this time
and still reeling in the glow of the night before
rather, i just woke up.
and thought about beauty and thought about how i let it get to me as far as arm's lenght
and how i don't make enough sacrifice and how i make too much
and how i'm still a kid but i have to be mature
and how much i really wanted to see you.
we haven't talked and i don't know when we will
but i really hope
or rather, need
you to be playing again while i'm still on break
it'll crush me if you aren't
because driving in that car on the highway
makes me feel like everything is going to be alright for a night -
i see something beautiful in your music - i do.
but it hurts that i can't see that on a daily basis.
i think that it all goes back to the same thing -
that i don't let myself see the beauty closest to me
because i'd rather get in a car to Columbus than sit with my family at lunch
because i'd rather get on a plane and fly to Chicago than sit with my family at dinner
i don't know - i just wish i could have seen you play last night
it was great, i'm sure. but i'd love to know
that you're playing again .. tomorrow or .. two days from now
or that you'll call and listen to me
because i miss you - i miss seeing you play, hearing your jokes and your nervous laughter
you're great - you are. and i wish i could have seen you in that greatness last night.

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

— Douglas Coupland, Life After God

crane installation by erin [deviant art]

this is too beautiful to look at for more than a few minutes at a time. and when something is that beautiful, it makes me feel sad. because i'm always looking for moments like this and right now i'm printing skeletons on typewriters. i don't like mood swings. and i don't like disappointments. and i don't like wanting something so much, that when i don't get it, and i know it's not realistic to think that i could get it, it hurts so much more than i thought it would.

i'm still holding onto the polaroid camera from class last year
maybe i'll get polaroid film for chrismas.
because i want to take beautiful images like this
this year.
or more for my birthday?
which i'm so. stoked for.
17, baby.
i feel good things coming on...
polaroids make me feel like the world fits in that little picture frame
and you can slip it into your back pocket
and just hold onto that moment forever.
i've got the one of ben and i on my bulletin board
and everytime i look at it, i get that same warm feeling
that excited, thrilled, cozy feeling
that i got that day when he was here
i could have taken a digital picture
i could have not taken our picture
but i wanted to
and i wanted it on polariod
because that was the mood of that day -
that i wanted to be able to get into the car
in how many ever years
and just drive,
with a polaroid like that in my back pocket
and go somewhere great.
and take that picture.
and then another and then another.
polariods are so romantic.
i think photography in general is romantic
but no body's got anything on polariods.
they just ooze the promise of forever
and the promise of forever
is romantic.
i want a boy again who will take polariods
with me
travel with me and stop by the side of the road
with me
and let me take pictures
of him, of me, of us,
of the world
and then let me slip them into my pocket
and let that romance overwhelm me
during the ride home.
i'm such, SUCH a sucker for romance
daily i'm thinking of the most romantic gestures someone could do for me
and i still always settle
on someone reaching down when we're walking and holding my hand.
holding hands and taking polariods.
maybe i'll ask for that for christmas.
but for now, i'll just get the film.
until someone wants to hold my hand
and i hope it's soon -
it's no fun holding your own hand.

i think that someone should bottle this up, this wintry mix, and when people are craving
some ice chips and some snow flakes
with a little light freezing rain and some high mph winds,
they can go to their convience store and buy up a box or two.
yum. winter.

one more day until break. that's what i'm talking about.
hellllll yeahhhhh.
i am so excited - oh man.
so. fucking. excited.

Have You Ever Seen The Rain?
-BramBura33 [Deviant Art]

This is beautiful. Our weather right now is 32 degrees but it's supposed to feel like 19. Last night, it snowed and collected on the ground for a few hours. It was supposed [what an ugly word if you say it over and over again..] to get bad to drive and there was going to be a storm - there wasn't. I don't really want the snow. I want the rain. When there is a dark sky and rain whipping against the windows at school, some people get worried or irritated. I always get distracted - it's just really beautiful to me. It makes me feel safe. I hope it rains a lot over break. So I can find someone to run in it with. I still want to do that and I feel like the person that I have to do that with is a boy. I know if I were stuck out in the rain with one of my girl friends, we'd run. But I just feel like running in the rain is something you should do laughing and it's something you should do with a boy who will kiss you when you break through the front door and hold your hand to dry it off. I've seen the rain but I haven't seen it like I want to yet. Maybe if you came back we could do it together. I'm not even going to weigh the chances. They aren't in my favour. But I'd like to think that if [you said 'if' and then you said 'not if, when i come back' which made me very happy. I hate what happened last time; I still do, I still think about it all. the. time. I still worry that you won't want to take any chances with me and for me, you're the only one I want to take chances with ] you come back to me, I could think of it a little more realistically. The day is coming up relatively soon and I want you back here more than anything. Maybe I'll ask you next time I see you. Maybe I'll tell you about the rain. Maybe I'll tell you everything. I want to. I just don't want to break us again. We didn't really break last time - that's not fair. We kind of fell apart and I feel like we're over the phase of overworking but we're still working at it. I'm not going to bring that up - it's sensitive, I know. But maybe if you'd ask, I'd tell you about the rain. About how much I'd like to see it with you. I feel like your the only one who can make it stop so why can't we see it together? That way I'd really want it since you could stop it if it got too heavy. I might tell you if you'd ask -

"I'd like to see the rain with you sometime" I'd say
and you'd say "And I'd like to see it with you."
And we'd both know what we meant. And then we'd would smile.

Please?

"still is the life of your room when you're not inside and all of your things tell the sweetest story line - your tears on these sheets and your footsteps down the hall. so tell me what i did because i can't find where the moment went wrong at all.. you can be mad in the morning, i'll take back what i said but just don't leave me alone here. it's cold baby, come back to bed.."

John Mayer is a god. I wish someone would sing this to me. And be upstairs when I went back to bed. I don't like being alone but I've gotten used to it. I'm trying to do new things. Yesterday I told myself that I was going to do 4 new things by Friday. I plan on doing one today. And I have to tell you, the millions that I'm sure read this every day, it's exciting to think that something new is going to happen. It's almost a reason to get up in itself. So, I'll tell you all this Friday what 4 new things I did. I'm sure you all are dying to know ..

twenty minutes have gone by and i've been writing a really long list of reasons why i love this picture, why it makes me feel like the world is beautiful, and why i want to run away. and i realized about a minute ago that none of those words matter because those words are only. words. they don't mean anything to anyone and i want to do something that someone notices and means something to them. i want someone to see something of mine and feel alive, feel happy. and i want someone to see something in me which makes them alive and happy. everyone is doing such great things with their time and everyone is doing such great things with each other. it's the same story over and over again of how i feel invisible but i don't anymore. i don't feel invisible - i just feel like what's left of who i thought i wanted to me is flickering with each new day's sunlight. i get energy from the car headlights on the highway. i get energy from the flutter of my shutter. i get energy from your voice and your laugh and you. i get energy from the things that i'm losing hold of and i can't get myself through 100%. i see photos like this and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" and i see couples in the hallways and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" and i read of the adventures that you all go on and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" i don't know. i'm just tired and i just want to tell you everything that i want and everything that i need and just everything. but you can't even call me when we're supposed to talk. and then you won't bring it up because .. i don't know why not. i don't know if you don't notice or if you don't care or both or if you think you can't ask or if you think i'd tell you if i wanted and you don't want to bother me. it's the same thing that this comes back to - i want to tell you everything everyday all the time and i want to tell them to you as i hold your hand. it just hurts to see everyone going off and doing great things. i don't feel all that great. i feel like i need to be great and i want to be great so damn bad that i'm just meeting half way of my expectations. i want to take pictures like this. i want to make someone feel as alive as this makes me feel but i don't know if i can make that big of a gesture with something these days. i don't know if i can make anyone feel alive because i want to have someone see me so much that i just fade back and hope they'll find me. we'll talk this friday. it's always about you - as much as i'm cold to you and as much as i'd like to think to myself that you don't really care and that i can be self loathing - i don't know what you think. and i don't know if i should tell you anything or if you ask, what should i tell you then? because the truth could kill your buzz from anything - it's already getting at me.

one week.
that's it - five days. and then i'm free for awhile.
i just gotta make it through. i can do that.
one week starts now.
and i can do it.