twenty minutes have gone by and i've been writing a really long list of reasons why i love this picture, why it makes me feel like the world is beautiful, and why i want to run away. and i realized about a minute ago that none of those words matter because those words are only. words. they don't mean anything to anyone and i want to do something that someone notices and means something to them. i want someone to see something of mine and feel alive, feel happy. and i want someone to see something in me which makes them alive and happy. everyone is doing such great things with their time and everyone is doing such great things with each other. it's the same story over and over again of how i feel invisible but i don't anymore. i don't feel invisible - i just feel like what's left of who i thought i wanted to me is flickering with each new day's sunlight. i get energy from the car headlights on the highway. i get energy from the flutter of my shutter. i get energy from your voice and your laugh and you. i get energy from the things that i'm losing hold of and i can't get myself through 100%. i see photos like this and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" and i see couples in the hallways and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" and i read of the adventures that you all go on and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" i don't know. i'm just tired and i just want to tell you everything that i want and everything that i need and just everything. but you can't even call me when we're supposed to talk. and then you won't bring it up because .. i don't know why not. i don't know if you don't notice or if you don't care or both or if you think you can't ask or if you think i'd tell you if i wanted and you don't want to bother me. it's the same thing that this comes back to - i want to tell you everything everyday all the time and i want to tell them to you as i hold your hand. it just hurts to see everyone going off and doing great things. i don't feel all that great. i feel like i need to be great and i want to be great so damn bad that i'm just meeting half way of my expectations. i want to take pictures like this. i want to make someone feel as alive as this makes me feel but i don't know if i can make that big of a gesture with something these days. i don't know if i can make anyone feel alive because i want to have someone see me so much that i just fade back and hope they'll find me. we'll talk this friday. it's always about you - as much as i'm cold to you and as much as i'd like to think to myself that you don't really care and that i can be self loathing - i don't know what you think. and i don't know if i should tell you anything or if you ask, what should i tell you then? because the truth could kill your buzz from anything - it's already getting at me.