i had written up a long few paragraphs about how i couldn't find this image and that i remembered i wouldn't let myself save it because it would be inevitable that you would spend it with her. and i thought that if i didn't post it or save it or print it, that i was somehow granting myself satisfaction - that i was somehow allowing you that privelage of being with her. and i thought that somehow then the fact of you with her wouldn't bother me any longer. and after i canceled the document that housed this image, i was satisfied. i did in fact, feel as if i was okay with the two of you and your happiness with one another. and i forgot about it. until tonight and then i remembered that you don't know any of this - that my quiet satisfaction isn't really worth anything because the irritation and the anger and the ridiculousness that comes moments after my allowing myself to LET you be with her, is so much worse. and that's because i realize that i'm not letting you do anything. letting you do something is letting you wipe up a spill for me or letting you offer me a bite of your food. i'm not LETTING you date her at all - that's completely nuts. and i shouldn't be frustrated that you're happy with her. but that's the whole thing - i'm going to think selfishly for awhile and selfishly feel that i deserve you more. i talked to my therapist about it and i lied - i told her i didn't care that i felt forgotten about. but that's selfish. one, to think that i'm forgotten about because i'm not - you're just busy. and two, to think that i'm somehow getting away with something just because i don't let her in on my feelings. again, letting. you spent christmas with her and i tried to let myself think that i wouldn't care and that i was being the bigger person by telling myself i wouldn't look at this image and wish you were here with me instead of calling on the eve of christmas eve. i'm really a small person these days. see? i showed you all the image. i'm letting you see what i'm talking about. doesn't do a thing does it?