"These City Lights"
i picked out a book yesterday, 'Chicago At Night'
for one of my Christmas presents
it was on sale.
and it was beautiful.
i really want to travel so i can photograph places at night
especially Chicago.
i think places are just more beautiful in the night
or in the very early morning light
when there's a cross between the day before and the next
and there's so much unknown
and everything fades into the distance
i want to take photographs of beautiful things like that
like the unknowns
like the promises
like the love
that you can feel from seeing a place, seeing a light,
seeing a city.
but i have to wait it out - wait out here only a few states away
before i can go when i'm older, right? i can go when i'm brave?
i have such a grand idea of what beauty is
and how easily i could get if only i were able to get there
and i think that as long as i tell myself that i can't get there,
that it's not the right time or not enough money or it's too crazy,
then i don't have to deal with the fact
that i can't accept beauty here
and that i can't accept other people being able to find theirs
in their girlfriends or their music or their grades or their cars or their work
because i'm willing to just say that beauty is out of my reach
and then that way, i don't have to tell myself that i'm scared that i won't find beauty
or that i'm scared that i'll never be happy where i am
but i am
but i won't let myself think that
not for now at least
because i bought a book yesterday, 'Chicago At Night'
so that i can look at it on Christmas morning
and not think of the beauty that everyone else has on that same morning
and just let myself believe that my beauty is only a few states away
or a few perfect pictures away or a few people away
and then, i don't have to tell myself that i don't think i'll let myself have beauty
yesterday, there was the possibility of going to Columbus
there was the possibility of seeing you, of talking to you,
of hearing you play your songs.
i got so excited when i saw it - i thought that everything going on with my family
would be swept away if i were able to go
my dad said no at first and i was angry
then, it turned into maybe
and then it turned into probably, yes
and then - no.
he said that if these things weren't going on with the family,
if the adults didn't need to meet to talk about what to do for my grandma
then he would have taken me
everyone else got angry when he offered up different solutions to when they could all talk
that was a horrible "lunch"
i forgot what it was like to be hurt and then have a good cry about it
i was so looking forward to it
and i know it was selfish of me
but i figured that i was just a kid
but i'm not - i have to grow up sometime
i just wanted to see you again
you said we would talk on friday and we didn't
i called on saturday when i thought there was a possibility of seeing you
you didn't call back
and this morning, i figured you'd have left a message or emailed me or something
you didn't do either
i don't know what's going on is why i'm disappointed
it doesn't seem fair to me that i could have been there
i figured out how i wanted to photograph your studio
how i wanted to get new footage of you playing
and i guess around 2:30, the answer was a definite no
my dad asked me on the ride home from "lunch" if he should just give in,
let the other adults have what they wanted and meet after dinner
i said yes but it hurt - giving up wasn't what i'm used to doing
when it comes to seeing you play - i usually beg, borrow, and steal
and my dad knows how much i love it
and he lived on N High when he was younger and teaching there
would have been a good trip down memory lane
he asked me this morning if i had heard anything about it
i guess i'm avoiding it until i talk to you directly
i don't know how long that'll be
hopefully soon
we're headed out for another lunch and it won't be "lunch" like yesterday
but i would have much prefeered to be rolling out of bed at this time
and still reeling in the glow of the night before
rather, i just woke up.
and thought about beauty and thought about how i let it get to me as far as arm's lenght
and how i don't make enough sacrifice and how i make too much
and how i'm still a kid but i have to be mature
and how much i really wanted to see you.
we haven't talked and i don't know when we will
but i really hope
or rather, need
you to be playing again while i'm still on break
it'll crush me if you aren't
because driving in that car on the highway
makes me feel like everything is going to be alright for a night -
i see something beautiful in your music - i do.
but it hurts that i can't see that on a daily basis.
i think that it all goes back to the same thing -
that i don't let myself see the beauty closest to me
because i'd rather get in a car to Columbus than sit with my family at lunch
because i'd rather get on a plane and fly to Chicago than sit with my family at dinner
i don't know - i just wish i could have seen you play last night
it was great, i'm sure. but i'd love to know
that you're playing again .. tomorrow or .. two days from now
or that you'll call and listen to me
because i miss you - i miss seeing you play, hearing your jokes and your nervous laughter
you're great - you are. and i wish i could have seen you in that greatness last night.