today, i spent two hours by myself,
taking pictures.
i turned in the roll
and looked at it 18 minutes later
and all 24 shots turned out; they're stuck in a tiny canister now.
that little grey container holds one afternoon of my time spent
and i realized that i'm getting better,
i'm getting more creative,
i'm getting more artistic.
and i don't think that i've ever shot an entire roll
of just myself.
i was too scared before, too self conscious.
i always wanted you to take the pictures of me
so i could image that you saw me as beautiful enough to take a picture of.
and i still want you to - i always will want you to see me as beautiful.
i'll always see you that way -
i think i was encouraged to do self portrait shots like this for the wrong reasons
that i was motivated because i wanted you to see me as beautiful even if you were gone and even if you were looking at other beautiful ideas.
but that doesn't mean that what i've gotten out of it isn't good
and for more right reasons than i could imagine -
it makes me feel really good to hold onto these negatives
and just have them all to myself for a little while. i love that feeling -
that butterfly feeling that i get when i look at something really, really good.
i can't wait to get back into the darkroom
and start printing these.
i've been discouraged lately with the scholastics disaster as i like to pity myself with -
but i'm trying really hard to make something of myself
especially these days when it seems that the world has been moving at a pace too fast
for me even to catch up, let alone hang on and i didn't think it'd be possible for me to
hold on if i did manage to hang on. but i'm really trying - to not get discouraged, to not get frustrated. to keep myself on the world's side at least rather than the bottom
and soon maybe i'll be on top of the world -
we'll see if you come around,
if i get on a plane anytime,
or if there's a promise for more than just a better tomorrow.
i don't know - there's a lot that i'm doing to keep my hands holding onto the world
to pick myself up, to pull myself around and put myself back on top - we'll see.
but for tonight, i'll just look at the negatives again.
i'll just look at those pictures and think of everything i've done, everything i still can do
i'm still struggling, i'm still lost. but i've got to hope that if i can do something entirely on my own for one afternoon
and not think if i look right or what someone would say or how it comes across -
then i've got to be getting somewhere.
that maybe the next step isn't going to be waiting for someone to check on me, for someone to call me and ask me how i am every afternoon. because that realistically won't happen - right now, i don't think anyone cares that much.
so i need to realize that i need to take it into my own hands and hand things over to someone else for a conversation.
tell someone that i'm lonely and sad and hurting
but that i'm talking,
that i'm answering questions
and that i'm putting myself in a conversation that i've been waiting for someone to start with me
that i'll start with someone instead. be willing to talk, not just willing to "let" people show how much they care for me
and allowing myself to be upset when they don't. i'm talking, answering, asking. it's important -
remind myself
that the world doesn't have to move too fast
to knock me over and under
as long as i'm willing to run for what i want to become