"You know how in dreams you're always trying to get to someplace you need to be but you never really get there? I wish I could wake up"
Sunday, November 30, 2008
i guess it's natural that towards the end of a break,
that anxious feeling returns.
i watch and listen to other people's lives
and i always feel like running away afterwards.
because i really try to find good things here
and there are good things.
i know that -
and it's just that the idea of a better life
is not that far off, i'm sure.
i'm trying to live less in the future
less in the idea of a better life
but actually having one.
i was going to email you earlier tonight
when i watched a movie and thought of you
and then i saw christmas lights and thought of you.
and then i saw whole foods and thought of you.
and how nice it would be if you worked in that one
instead of down there.
you mentioned moving next year
but i'm ignoring that for right now
because i hope you know that that's not going to be okay
unless of course you move here.
or you move where i go.
and that's selfish to just want you to be where i am.
but i know that it's selfish and i still don't care.
i miss you more that i should and more than i thought i could.
but that's just the way it is
and that's just the way it's always going to be.
because i've been missing you more and more ever since the first time.
i liked that we talked the other day.
it really relaxed me and it was totally unexpected.
and it was EASY.
it was so. damn. easy.
you drove, you called, i answered, we talked.
and we talked about everything.
we talked about our schools, our relationships, our lives, our dreams.
and it was just so nice.
but damn you. because that morning was the first morning that i had woken up
and i hadn't missed you and i hadn't thought of you.
and now, your in my head 439% again.
and i don't mind you being there -
i just wish that i knew what your percentage of me was.
i blame my mind most of the time -
i read books, i write stories, i watch movies, i listen to music, i see couples
and i just continue to fantasize about this escape and this safety that i'll get
if only you'd let me in your arms for longer than a hug.
and when i write, i have to get out of this idea of us working out.
because it's completely unrealistic.
well, not completely.
and that's the problem.
my dreams are way too big for my head.
and i read about other people being together and going the distance
and i can't help but just want to call you or email you and just have it shake you.
have you just be moved to talk to me more.
because i love. it. when we talk.
your probably my favorite person to talk to.
and that's why i can't let myself just go whenever i do
because if i did,
first of all, we'd all be talking.
i'd always be sending you things, i'd always be telling you something
but second of all, you'd know so much more than you'd want.
and it's almost like i want to tell you everything because of this summer
and i want to tell you nothing because of the same summer.
i'm going to go to bed and i'm going to send you the email that i wanted to send you a few hours ago in the morning. because that message is simpler and is nicer and is just going to be more fun to read than if i talked to you know. of course, ever since you called that one morning, i can't help but keep my phone on all night. getting woken up by you was the best.
who knows. maybe tomorrow i won't wake up with you as my first thought. maybe i'll wake up and remember all the things i have to do in reality. and maybe that'll distract me.
i'm trying not to be anxious because this break was fun.
and the next one is soon.
but i want to talk to you again. and i want you to want to talk to me like you did when you called.
i always feel like i'm bothering you. because it bothers me because i know that you're busy and i know that i expect too much. i just have to be careful. there's more people involved than i'll ever be willing to admit to. but i have to choose my words carefully and i have to email you in the morning when my head is cleared.
that anxious feeling returns.
i watch and listen to other people's lives
and i always feel like running away afterwards.
because i really try to find good things here
and there are good things.
i know that -
and it's just that the idea of a better life
is not that far off, i'm sure.
i'm trying to live less in the future
less in the idea of a better life
but actually having one.
i was going to email you earlier tonight
when i watched a movie and thought of you
and then i saw christmas lights and thought of you.
and then i saw whole foods and thought of you.
and how nice it would be if you worked in that one
instead of down there.
you mentioned moving next year
but i'm ignoring that for right now
because i hope you know that that's not going to be okay
unless of course you move here.
or you move where i go.
and that's selfish to just want you to be where i am.
but i know that it's selfish and i still don't care.
i miss you more that i should and more than i thought i could.
but that's just the way it is
and that's just the way it's always going to be.
because i've been missing you more and more ever since the first time.
i liked that we talked the other day.
it really relaxed me and it was totally unexpected.
and it was EASY.
it was so. damn. easy.
you drove, you called, i answered, we talked.
and we talked about everything.
we talked about our schools, our relationships, our lives, our dreams.
and it was just so nice.
but damn you. because that morning was the first morning that i had woken up
and i hadn't missed you and i hadn't thought of you.
and now, your in my head 439% again.
and i don't mind you being there -
i just wish that i knew what your percentage of me was.
i blame my mind most of the time -
i read books, i write stories, i watch movies, i listen to music, i see couples
and i just continue to fantasize about this escape and this safety that i'll get
if only you'd let me in your arms for longer than a hug.
and when i write, i have to get out of this idea of us working out.
because it's completely unrealistic.
well, not completely.
and that's the problem.
my dreams are way too big for my head.
and i read about other people being together and going the distance
and i can't help but just want to call you or email you and just have it shake you.
have you just be moved to talk to me more.
because i love. it. when we talk.
your probably my favorite person to talk to.
and that's why i can't let myself just go whenever i do
because if i did,
first of all, we'd all be talking.
i'd always be sending you things, i'd always be telling you something
but second of all, you'd know so much more than you'd want.
and it's almost like i want to tell you everything because of this summer
and i want to tell you nothing because of the same summer.
i'm going to go to bed and i'm going to send you the email that i wanted to send you a few hours ago in the morning. because that message is simpler and is nicer and is just going to be more fun to read than if i talked to you know. of course, ever since you called that one morning, i can't help but keep my phone on all night. getting woken up by you was the best.
who knows. maybe tomorrow i won't wake up with you as my first thought. maybe i'll wake up and remember all the things i have to do in reality. and maybe that'll distract me.
i'm trying not to be anxious because this break was fun.
and the next one is soon.
but i want to talk to you again. and i want you to want to talk to me like you did when you called.
i always feel like i'm bothering you. because it bothers me because i know that you're busy and i know that i expect too much. i just have to be careful. there's more people involved than i'll ever be willing to admit to. but i have to choose my words carefully and i have to email you in the morning when my head is cleared.
Friday, November 28, 2008
tonight should be fun.
today was fun.
and yesterday was fun.
and wednesday was fun.
and so was tuesday night.
i really like when that happens.
reminds me how easy things can be.
we're trying a photo shoot again tonight after the game board party so
i thought of reworking some of the old ideas that didn't come out
and doing some new ones ..
i just have to keep cracking away on them,
i know that eventually things will turn out.
and film WILL develop properly.
right? :/
i'm off for more plans. i'm just in a really good mood.
today was fun.
and yesterday was fun.
and wednesday was fun.
and so was tuesday night.
i really like when that happens.
reminds me how easy things can be.
we're trying a photo shoot again tonight after the game board party so
i thought of reworking some of the old ideas that didn't come out
and doing some new ones ..
i just have to keep cracking away on them,
i know that eventually things will turn out.
and film WILL develop properly.
right? :/
i'm off for more plans. i'm just in a really good mood.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
i forgot
i had so much fun last night -
i forgot how fun it is just to be with your friends
and just hang out.
ever since the two of them told me to start doing things, start going out and being with people,
i almost feel like i'm throwing this in their faces.
like, look! hah! i'm having fun.
and by the way, last night, i think it's the first time in a really, REALLY long time
that i didn't want to call you. or that i needed you.
i woke up this morning
with a completely stuffed nose and a cough
and i thought of you.
but last night, i didn't.
i was talking about a different boy
and during that time, i honestly didn't think
"i have to call him" or "i wonder what HE's doing with HIS girlfriend"
so i think that that's good.
i'm not saying that i DON'T need you .. espec. since i woke up this morning and thought of you
but it's giving me a nice little reminder that maybe in fact .. i can be, i can do, i can have
without you all the time.
and that's good - i need to remind myself that i'm fun and i'm great.
and that people want to spend time with me.
and that not everything is so serious.
and i just sneezed six times in a row.
make that seven.
if this is a way to physically show me how much fun i can have
and what consequences follow,
so be it.
i'm smiling with a sneeze.
and make that eight. damn.
i forgot how fun it is just to be with your friends
and just hang out.
ever since the two of them told me to start doing things, start going out and being with people,
i almost feel like i'm throwing this in their faces.
like, look! hah! i'm having fun.
and by the way, last night, i think it's the first time in a really, REALLY long time
that i didn't want to call you. or that i needed you.
i woke up this morning
with a completely stuffed nose and a cough
and i thought of you.
but last night, i didn't.
i was talking about a different boy
and during that time, i honestly didn't think
"i have to call him" or "i wonder what HE's doing with HIS girlfriend"
so i think that that's good.
i'm not saying that i DON'T need you .. espec. since i woke up this morning and thought of you
but it's giving me a nice little reminder that maybe in fact .. i can be, i can do, i can have
without you all the time.
and that's good - i need to remind myself that i'm fun and i'm great.
and that people want to spend time with me.
and that not everything is so serious.
and i just sneezed six times in a row.
make that seven.
if this is a way to physically show me how much fun i can have
and what consequences follow,
so be it.
i'm smiling with a sneeze.
and make that eight. damn.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"A Man of Words and Not of Deeds"
A man of words and not of deeds
Is like a garden full of weeds;
And when the weeds begin to grow,
It's like a garden full of snow;
And when the snow begins to fall,
It's like a bird upon the wall;
And when the bird away does fly,
It's like an eagle in the sky;
And when the sky begins to roar,
It's like a lion at the door;
And when the door begins to crack,
It's like a stick across your back;
And when your back begins to smart,
It's like a penknife in your heart;
And when your heart begins to bleed,
You're dead, you're dead, and dead indeed
Is like a garden full of weeds;
And when the weeds begin to grow,
It's like a garden full of snow;
And when the snow begins to fall,
It's like a bird upon the wall;
And when the bird away does fly,
It's like an eagle in the sky;
And when the sky begins to roar,
It's like a lion at the door;
And when the door begins to crack,
It's like a stick across your back;
And when your back begins to smart,
It's like a penknife in your heart;
And when your heart begins to bleed,
You're dead, you're dead, and dead indeed
Sunday, November 23, 2008
EdTakesPhotos [1]
http://flickr.com/photos/edtakesphotos/ "Hunter" in the London Town Set
So, photography is really frustrating me lately.
And I see things like this -
where there's ultimate beauty and just total simplicity
there's grace in this. just total grace.
it's just hard to see photos like this
because i know that there's
the chance to be living a dream,
capturing moments just like this.
photos like this are on my ultimate dream list
to shoot.
it's just really, really, beautiful.
i suggest you all follow that link immediately.
i stumbled upon it tonight
and as frustrating as today was
this just makes me content again.
there's just such grace.
it's remarkable.
photography has a hold on me
and i can't shake it off
no matter what kind of conditions try and weather me through with it,
i can't shake it.
and for finding pictures like this,
makes me remember why i can't shake it.
because there's more beauty
and more grace
and just
more
to find, to see, to listen to, to touch, to feel,
to photograph.
i just have to get out of this damn town.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
boy meets girl ..
i saw wall·e for a second time last nightand it seriously broke my heart.
the first time i saw it, i was pretty much just stunned.
but this time, i seriously wanted to cry.
**the following comments contain spoilers**
basically that scene when wall*e is taking care of eve
holding umbrellas over her head and rowing with her in the tire
is the most fucking adorable thing i have ever seen.
but then, when she watches it back
and they're both practicing holding hands,
makes. me want. to scream.
that is just so perfect ..
but there's a moment that i feel
when wall*e is climbing up the side of the spacecraft to get to eve
that someone out there has got to be willing to do that for me
come and keep me dry when we're in the rain,
wrap christmas lights around me
watch the stars with me
hold my hand
and then later when eve kisses wall*e and she keeps hold of his hand
and he is revived -
that's. love.
granted, it's between two robots and in reality a kiss probably wouldn't bring someone out of a coma or whatever the equivalent is for wall*e's state ..
but it just makes me really crave a walk in the snow with someone
with cups of hot chocolate
and holding glove in glove
i'm just really craving some old fashioned boy meets girl
and girl and boy fall in love
romance.
i was reading one of jd salinger's short stories last night
where he was explaining why he couldn't write his boy meets girl story
"i was going to write a lovely tender boy-meets-girl story. what could be finer, i thought. the world needs boy-meets-girl stories. but to write one, unfortunately, the writer must go about the business of having the boy meet the girl. and i couldn't do it for this one.
in a boy-meets-girl story, the boy should always meet the girl"
so i want to meet that boy,
that boy that'll hold out umbrellas for me in the storm
and that boy that'll take me rowing in a tire
and that boy that'll climb ladders in space
to get to me.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette
I should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you could not do
I think the first thing I'm going to do tomorrow when I get home is watch John Mayer's Any Given Thursday. I remember how much I loved that DVD and I remember how much I loved listening to it in the background of some of my most calm memories. Maybe I'll watch it twice.
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette
I should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you could not do
I think the first thing I'm going to do tomorrow when I get home is watch John Mayer's Any Given Thursday. I remember how much I loved that DVD and I remember how much I loved listening to it in the background of some of my most calm memories. Maybe I'll watch it twice.
| 7am |
| 22°F | 40% | 27°F | 78% | From WNW 15 mph |
Sunrise 7:22 am
| 8am |
| 21°F | 40% | 27°F | 78% | From WNW 16 mph |
stephanie and i have been talking about recycling today all week -
we've been looking at the bin outside of the 2nd floor window and laughing ..
saying how we won't be the first ones out there and how the lid alone is covered in 3 feet of snow
i'm really tired this morning but there's something about seeing that i'll catch the sunrise that makes me feel better. i hope this one is a good one - lots of color and big swishes of cloud.
here's to day one of recycling in the snow and by the light of the sunrise.
maybe i'll start doing more by the light of the sunrise if it's magical this morning.
and by the way, i decided i'll talk to you when it's sunny. see you in two months. check the forecast.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
hanging up.
it's just hard hanging up -
i don't know when my heart hurts when i do but it does.
i guess i just get worried that someone or something will get in our way.
you said that we were smarter, as arrogant as we both knew it sounded, than everyone.
but i think i'm still a little stupid - i'm still a little stuck in my head and you've found a way to get above being above and just be. like i said, i don't know why it's hard hanging up,
but it is. it just makes my heart hurt a little.
we laughed right before we said goodbye. that was a nice ending.
i think that's why it hurt a little more this time.
you're happy or at least for now you are.
and i'm getting there. like i keep saying, it just hurts a little more each time.
relationships are hard - we pretty much beat that topic out
but i wish that they weren't so bad; you said that if the two of us kept going like this, we'd be sad and we'd be lonely. and you said it might seem like i'm the only one without a boyfriend.
that's all true to me right now. things are tough. i was reading up on someone else's life tonight and she said she'd just spend today existing. my only concern is that if i spend too many days just letting myself laugh or cry or yell or dance or scream or hug or talk too loudly or get too excited just for a few minutes every day - i've just existed. bare minimum of minutes filled up like that and then i haven't really lived that day. it's just that things are tough. and i know we talked about them not being that big of a deal and how things are just going to get more ridiculous so we shouldn't let them bug us now .. i just so badly wanted to take that conversation and stick it in my brain in a permanent box. so that tomorrow, when i'm walking in the halls and i'm just looking straight ahead, thinking about talking to you next or running away soon or whatever - i can shake myself and take that conversation out of saving and just say .. there. listen up, crazy, it's all there. he told you that it's not that big of a deal so listen. it's not.
but i just worry.
i miss you when we're apart and i know it'll be awhile longer.
and i worry. that you won't want to see me or it won't matter or it won't be as nice of a thing as i keep thinking it'll have to be. like i said, i just worry. and it hurts -
i constantly just talk things over with myself about wrong, right, good, bad ..
and i'm worried that i've just existed for too long and i won't be able to live.
i'm trying but it's hard. i just need to see some sort of progress .. some way for me just to get somewhere good in my life and stay grounded for awhile. i'm just digging myself into all these holes and then picking new ones each day to go into. it's scary and i'm worried. i want to talk to you about these things but like i said, i worry. i worry that i won't get answers and i worry that it won't be what i'm hoping for and i worry that i don't know what i'm hoping for that i'm worrying i won't get. like i said, it hurts.
we'll see what happens friday. she and i are supposed to go back to the basics but i have a feeling as soon as i bring up that comment .. things will just be bad for awhile. she doesn't know how to help and i don't know what i want from her.
tomorrow i want to do something great. and usually, by the way, it's "someday" i want to do something great. but i don't think someday is going to cut it because someday .. that's too safe.
i think i'm torn because i want to be free, like that dove necklace from last night - that kind of adorable "here, i know i can be free with you, take this and have it forever" {but that's those crazy relationships again, isn't it? you said i wasn't the only one .. show me, alright? i'm starting to think otherwise} and i just really, really, really am just. scared. i'm just so fucking scared.
i'm scared of what i'll be someday. and i'm scared of what i'll be in a year. and i'm scared of what i'll be tomorrow. i'm just scared to be. and it's holding me back and it hurts.
so that. is why it hurts to hang up.
i'm just really. really. scared.
i don't know when my heart hurts when i do but it does.
i guess i just get worried that someone or something will get in our way.
you said that we were smarter, as arrogant as we both knew it sounded, than everyone.
but i think i'm still a little stupid - i'm still a little stuck in my head and you've found a way to get above being above and just be. like i said, i don't know why it's hard hanging up,
but it is. it just makes my heart hurt a little.
we laughed right before we said goodbye. that was a nice ending.
i think that's why it hurt a little more this time.
you're happy or at least for now you are.
and i'm getting there. like i keep saying, it just hurts a little more each time.
relationships are hard - we pretty much beat that topic out
but i wish that they weren't so bad; you said that if the two of us kept going like this, we'd be sad and we'd be lonely. and you said it might seem like i'm the only one without a boyfriend.
that's all true to me right now. things are tough. i was reading up on someone else's life tonight and she said she'd just spend today existing. my only concern is that if i spend too many days just letting myself laugh or cry or yell or dance or scream or hug or talk too loudly or get too excited just for a few minutes every day - i've just existed. bare minimum of minutes filled up like that and then i haven't really lived that day. it's just that things are tough. and i know we talked about them not being that big of a deal and how things are just going to get more ridiculous so we shouldn't let them bug us now .. i just so badly wanted to take that conversation and stick it in my brain in a permanent box. so that tomorrow, when i'm walking in the halls and i'm just looking straight ahead, thinking about talking to you next or running away soon or whatever - i can shake myself and take that conversation out of saving and just say .. there. listen up, crazy, it's all there. he told you that it's not that big of a deal so listen. it's not.
but i just worry.
i miss you when we're apart and i know it'll be awhile longer.
and i worry. that you won't want to see me or it won't matter or it won't be as nice of a thing as i keep thinking it'll have to be. like i said, i just worry. and it hurts -
i constantly just talk things over with myself about wrong, right, good, bad ..
and i'm worried that i've just existed for too long and i won't be able to live.
i'm trying but it's hard. i just need to see some sort of progress .. some way for me just to get somewhere good in my life and stay grounded for awhile. i'm just digging myself into all these holes and then picking new ones each day to go into. it's scary and i'm worried. i want to talk to you about these things but like i said, i worry. i worry that i won't get answers and i worry that it won't be what i'm hoping for and i worry that i don't know what i'm hoping for that i'm worrying i won't get. like i said, it hurts.
we'll see what happens friday. she and i are supposed to go back to the basics but i have a feeling as soon as i bring up that comment .. things will just be bad for awhile. she doesn't know how to help and i don't know what i want from her.
tomorrow i want to do something great. and usually, by the way, it's "someday" i want to do something great. but i don't think someday is going to cut it because someday .. that's too safe.
i think i'm torn because i want to be free, like that dove necklace from last night - that kind of adorable "here, i know i can be free with you, take this and have it forever" {but that's those crazy relationships again, isn't it? you said i wasn't the only one .. show me, alright? i'm starting to think otherwise} and i just really, really, really am just. scared. i'm just so fucking scared.
i'm scared of what i'll be someday. and i'm scared of what i'll be in a year. and i'm scared of what i'll be tomorrow. i'm just scared to be. and it's holding me back and it hurts.
so that. is why it hurts to hang up.
i'm just really. really. scared.
lyrics
i've been reading my daily dose of blogs and i realized how happy it makes me when people post lyrics and then i get into that band just because of them. they won't ever know because i'm assuming they post lyrics like when i do - to show how they're feeling, to point out something important that someone put into beautiful words. thank you.
"I'm really sorry Steven, but your bicycle's been stolen and I was watchin' it for you 'till you came back in the fall .. guess I didn't do such a good job after all ... Guess we'll never see poor Madeleine again"
-The Decemberists: The Apology Song
^ My current favorite song. Maybe someone will read this, get the song, and smile a little more than they were already doing today.
"I'm really sorry Steven, but your bicycle's been stolen and I was watchin' it for you 'till you came back in the fall .. guess I didn't do such a good job after all ... Guess we'll never see poor Madeleine again"
-The Decemberists: The Apology Song
^ My current favorite song. Maybe someone will read this, get the song, and smile a little more than they were already doing today.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
dear you and him:
yeah, this will be the fourth post of today. but i'm just really confused.
and i'm just sad. step up, i'm not going to go look for you.
i think the reason i'm writing so much tonight, or wanting to write more than i actually am allowing myself to write out, is that i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to.
and i know. i am well aware that i do have people to call and people i could visit.
but i want someone to come to me already. i asked him for this weekend and i doubt it'll happen.
yesterday, i was ready. this morning and this afternoon, i was ready.
a few hours ago, i was ready.
but i'm so not ready anymore.
not in that sense anyways.
i just want to cry to you tonight.
but i'm holding back because i know that either you won't respond well
or you won't care. or you won't answer.
there's always that. damn this distance.
i just can't keep myself in one piece for a whole day and it is so. frustrating.
i've got such a heavy mind tonight. and all i want to do is cry to him.
and it doesn't help that you've gotten into my mind - i feel like i have to watch YOU now.
just fucking come to me if you see it, alright? i'm mad.
if you do see it, then come to me, alright? step up, okay? i am just so mad.
i keep reading over that comment
and can't help but wonder, it's been at least a week and a half
and you haven't done a fucking thing.
i don't even know if i fucking have the right person in mind.
but if i do, i know you love me.
but it's hard sometimes when i feel like i can't talk to you.
i know you aren't judging me
but its hard when you're smiling so much
and i'm smiling along
and we're not talking about this crap that's going on.
i still remember when he said that he KNEW what kind of shit this was, that he had gone through it. and i went to YOU that next day. I DID. and we laughed about it, and i smiled for a day after that. because it felt good to talk about that and just laugh it off.
but the same old shit is going on. it's not over, it's not even remotely close.
so can we just talk about it? i can't go to you if i know that you've known for this long
and you say you feel like you haven't done a good job but you just don't know how to help.
you just haven't asked. if you do see it, make some time for me. i'm begging you.
because all i want to do tonight is cry to him. and i know he won't care or he won't know how to help either or he won't answer. but the thing is, is i want to talk to him and he's 2 and a half hours away with a girlfriend and a complicated, busy, messy life too. you're down the street and we don't talk. not like we did that time before school started. not like we did last summer. not like we did when we were little. if you do see it, come to me. because right now, all i want is him.
and i'm just sad. step up, i'm not going to go look for you.
i think the reason i'm writing so much tonight, or wanting to write more than i actually am allowing myself to write out, is that i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to.
and i know. i am well aware that i do have people to call and people i could visit.
but i want someone to come to me already. i asked him for this weekend and i doubt it'll happen.
yesterday, i was ready. this morning and this afternoon, i was ready.
a few hours ago, i was ready.
but i'm so not ready anymore.
not in that sense anyways.
i just want to cry to you tonight.
but i'm holding back because i know that either you won't respond well
or you won't care. or you won't answer.
there's always that. damn this distance.
i just can't keep myself in one piece for a whole day and it is so. frustrating.
i've got such a heavy mind tonight. and all i want to do is cry to him.
and it doesn't help that you've gotten into my mind - i feel like i have to watch YOU now.
just fucking come to me if you see it, alright? i'm mad.
if you do see it, then come to me, alright? step up, okay? i am just so mad.
i keep reading over that comment
and can't help but wonder, it's been at least a week and a half
and you haven't done a fucking thing.
i don't even know if i fucking have the right person in mind.
but if i do, i know you love me.
but it's hard sometimes when i feel like i can't talk to you.
i know you aren't judging me
but its hard when you're smiling so much
and i'm smiling along
and we're not talking about this crap that's going on.
i still remember when he said that he KNEW what kind of shit this was, that he had gone through it. and i went to YOU that next day. I DID. and we laughed about it, and i smiled for a day after that. because it felt good to talk about that and just laugh it off.
but the same old shit is going on. it's not over, it's not even remotely close.
so can we just talk about it? i can't go to you if i know that you've known for this long
and you say you feel like you haven't done a good job but you just don't know how to help.
you just haven't asked. if you do see it, make some time for me. i'm begging you.
because all i want to do tonight is cry to him. and i know he won't care or he won't know how to help either or he won't answer. but the thing is, is i want to talk to him and he's 2 and a half hours away with a girlfriend and a complicated, busy, messy life too. you're down the street and we don't talk. not like we did that time before school started. not like we did last summer. not like we did when we were little. if you do see it, come to me. because right now, all i want is him.
YES!
 10 Day Forecast For Cleveland, OH [44121] | High / Low (°F) | Precip. % | | ||
| Today Nov 16 |  | Snow | 36°/32° | 70 % | |
| Mon Nov 17 |  | Snow Shower | 35°/28° | 60 % | |
| Tue Nov 18 | | Snow Shower | 32°/26° | 40 % | |
| Wed Nov 19 | | Snow Shower | 35°/31° | 40 % | |
| Thu Nov 20 | | Few Snow Showers | 35°/25° | 30 % | |
| Fri Nov 21 | | Snow Shower | 35°/27° | 40 % | |
| Sat Nov 22 |  | Mostly Cloudy | 39°/29° | 20 % | |
| Sun Nov 23 |  | Showers | 43°/34° | 30 % | |
| Mon Nov 24 | | Showers | 45°/33° | 60 % | |
| Tue Nov 25 |  | Partly Cloudy | 40°/29° | 20 % | |
Saturday, November 15, 2008
"Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes, there were others who took the wheel -- and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn’t me who arrived...it wasn't me at all."
I love that quote - it feels so right. Is that bad? That a sad quote fits the most? And by the way .. I saw that comment just a second ago that you made when I looked for the draft I saved this quote in. I don't know who said it - I have two main guesses and I think I have it right. But I'm not sure. You said you didn't know how to help and that you do see it , trying to watch out for me. Thank you - but I'm not sure what to do about words like that .. And on a more selfish note, have you been walking around with those words since the 27th? What all have you read? Everything? I guess the problem is is that I don't know if I want help from you. Or from anyone really. And I'm just angry - I'm angry that I have to ask all the time. Which mean, more so than not, I just don't ask. It's not fair to anyone that I'm still just really angry all the time and it's not fair that I've talking about it and things with anyone as much as I should. That's sad too. But I think that's just the way it is these days. We just don't talk about it. I'm just broken still. And I'm trying to figure out what went wrong back then and why things are still going wrong. So, right now, I'm traveling alone. Maybe one day when I reach the end, I'll know what happened during this period .. maybe it'll be me again.
I don't know though.
Friday, November 14, 2008
polaroids
Polaroid PolaPan Type-84 film.
© Stephan Schaub
Oh, and Polaroids better come back around.
Because I've got a camera sitting on my shelf
Begging to be used. I have. To. Use it.
I. LOVE. Polaroids.
I want boxes and boxes and boxes of film
I want hundreds and hundreds of Daylabs
I want Polaroids. I love. Polaroids.
They make me so. SO. Happy.
"bring it back monday"
i forgot my journal at school in my locker
that better not be a bad sign for this weekend.
it sure feels like it.
last night
i slept all over my bed last night
i wish you were there to hold me in one place
i didn't sleep well
i wish you were there to hold me.
you're holding her all the time now
and i'm just not alright with that -
i keep saying i am and then that i'm not.
but i'm just not.
i'm not going to be.
i might be alright with it for a couple of days.
but in the long run?
i want you to myself.
and she's got you.
and it's not fair.
and by the way, i wished i saw you sometime.
can you start making music so i can see you again?
i just want my Saturdays to be for you again.
i just want my Saturday nights to be for thinking of you again.
i just want my time to be filled with you.
so schedule something. i want to see you. i miss you so much.
i wish you were there to hold me in one place
i didn't sleep well
i wish you were there to hold me.
you're holding her all the time now
and i'm just not alright with that -
i keep saying i am and then that i'm not.
but i'm just not.
i'm not going to be.
i might be alright with it for a couple of days.
but in the long run?
i want you to myself.
and she's got you.
and it's not fair.
and by the way, i wished i saw you sometime.
can you start making music so i can see you again?
i just want my Saturdays to be for you again.
i just want my Saturday nights to be for thinking of you again.
i just want my time to be filled with you.
so schedule something. i want to see you. i miss you so much.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
papercrane [take 1]
I made a pair of paper cranes
At her dining room table
With fragile paper wings
And breaking beaks
I made a pair of paper cranes
At her dining room table
In the middle of winter
Where the snow fell hard
And the wind blew strong
I made a pair of paper cranes
At her dining room table
Surrounded by pieces of patterned paper
Bright purples and fresh blues
And with worn fingers,
Following her [simple] directions,
I made a pair of paper cranes
At her dining room table
I took the paper cranes
Off the polished wood
Perched it on my palm
I took the paper cranes
Up the winding staircase,
Covered it with my hand
I took the paper cranes
Into our room
Onto the bedside shelf
I took the paper cranes
To put them in my suitcase
And carry them back home
My paper crane
Rode inside my bad
That Night
Your paper crane
Rode alongside me
That Night
My paper crane sits
On my dresser
Atop a pile of fashion magazines
Vogue, Galmour, ELLE
Your paper crane sticks
On your bulletin board
__
__
I wonder when
Our paper cranes
Will meet again
Will sit together
I wonder when
Our paper cranes
Will take flight again
Will escape together
I'll keep making us pairs of paper cranes
Until one day we grow our own paper wings
I'll keep,
I'll keep,
I'll keep
I'll keep making us pairs of paper cranes
Until one day we meet beak to beak
Promise me that you'll be around
To life me up above the trees
To carry me on top of the clouds
And I'll do the same, and I'll do the same.
Promise me that even if
Our patterns are faded
Promise me that even if
Our colors are worn
We'll keep,
We'll keep,
We'll keep ...
At her dining room table
With fragile paper wings
And breaking beaks
I made a pair of paper cranes
At her dining room table
In the middle of winter
Where the snow fell hard
And the wind blew strong
I made a pair of paper cranes
At her dining room table
Surrounded by pieces of patterned paper
Bright purples and fresh blues
And with worn fingers,
Following her [simple] directions,
I made a pair of paper cranes
At her dining room table
I took the paper cranes
Off the polished wood
Perched it on my palm
I took the paper cranes
Up the winding staircase,
Covered it with my hand
I took the paper cranes
Into our room
Onto the bedside shelf
I took the paper cranes
To put them in my suitcase
And carry them back home
My paper crane
Rode inside my bad
That Night
Your paper crane
Rode alongside me
That Night
My paper crane sits
On my dresser
Atop a pile of fashion magazines
Vogue, Galmour, ELLE
Your paper crane sticks
On your bulletin board
__
__
I wonder when
Our paper cranes
Will meet again
Will sit together
I wonder when
Our paper cranes
Will take flight again
Will escape together
I'll keep making us pairs of paper cranes
Until one day we grow our own paper wings
I'll keep,
I'll keep,
I'll keep
I'll keep making us pairs of paper cranes
Until one day we meet beak to beak
Promise me that you'll be around
To life me up above the trees
To carry me on top of the clouds
And I'll do the same, and I'll do the same.
Promise me that even if
Our patterns are faded
Promise me that even if
Our colors are worn
We'll keep,
We'll keep,
We'll keep ...
tired
you look happy. she looks pretty.
i guess i should have thought that this would happen.
i just didn't think it would be so soon. / i didn't want to think about it.
i know you're a good guy. she's lucky.
and you look happy. and she looks pretty.
when i was observing about half of that last night,
it evoked something in me; a .. a power and almost a powerful anger.
which converted immediately into photos that were much different than i've done before.
so thanks for that. but i'm not mad at you. like i said, you're happy? she's pretty?
i guess the stuff i did last night was just so you'd notice me.
i think that my attempt is a little pitiful in comparison to that photo.
it's times like this when i don't like photography.
i forget that it captures moments like that
when you look happy and she looks pretty.
good for the two of you.
i wanted to quit the week last night. but now i want to quit a littleeee more.
i'm lame. i know. but no one is around anymore to see that. oh, well.
i'm going to wallow for awhile - i feel like it.
and i don't have photos when you look happy and i look pretty.
not like that at least.
i guess i should have thought that this would happen.
i just didn't think it would be so soon. / i didn't want to think about it.
i know you're a good guy. she's lucky.
and you look happy. and she looks pretty.
when i was observing about half of that last night,
it evoked something in me; a .. a power and almost a powerful anger.
which converted immediately into photos that were much different than i've done before.
so thanks for that. but i'm not mad at you. like i said, you're happy? she's pretty?
i guess the stuff i did last night was just so you'd notice me.
i think that my attempt is a little pitiful in comparison to that photo.
it's times like this when i don't like photography.
i forget that it captures moments like that
when you look happy and she looks pretty.
good for the two of you.
i wanted to quit the week last night. but now i want to quit a littleeee more.
i'm lame. i know. but no one is around anymore to see that. oh, well.
i'm going to wallow for awhile - i feel like it.
and i don't have photos when you look happy and i look pretty.
not like that at least.
Monday, November 10, 2008
my fault?
i don't know if i messed things up again
i don't think that i did
i think it's unrelated.
i don't know.
i'm seeing this go down
and i can't help but think that things are wrong.
i mean, i know i can't say if they are or aren't.
but .. your girl. i don't know.
i guess it's what you need right now.
i just want to talk to you
and i really want to see you.
i have a funny feeling that it'll be a long time?
i hope not though.
i miss you.
and i can't go much longer without one or the other.
i have too much to tell you.
granted, there's so much i won't tell you.
but the things you'll want to hear, i'll say.
i've got this idea for us.
it's just that it's in my head
and sometimes that's as far out as it gets.
i know you're busy.
but i can't help wanting to ask for the moments you're free for me.
that's completely selfish
but its how i feel
and ps. on a totally different note, if she knows that it's my blogspot, does she read these blogs? because if she does, i really want her to get her life back on track.
i don't think that i did
i think it's unrelated.
i don't know.
i'm seeing this go down
and i can't help but think that things are wrong.
i mean, i know i can't say if they are or aren't.
but .. your girl. i don't know.
i guess it's what you need right now.
i just want to talk to you
and i really want to see you.
i have a funny feeling that it'll be a long time?
i hope not though.
i miss you.
and i can't go much longer without one or the other.
i have too much to tell you.
granted, there's so much i won't tell you.
but the things you'll want to hear, i'll say.
i've got this idea for us.
it's just that it's in my head
and sometimes that's as far out as it gets.
i know you're busy.
but i can't help wanting to ask for the moments you're free for me.
that's completely selfish
but its how i feel
and ps. on a totally different note, if she knows that it's my blogspot, does she read these blogs? because if she does, i really want her to get her life back on track.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
i want someone
to be there for me.
i'm always trying to get people to stay by my side.
it'd be nice if someone were to just do it voluntarily.
i don't understand - i have ideas planned out in my head.
how we'll run away, how we'll kiss in the car,
how we'll watch the stars at night, how we'll stop by the side of the road
and take pictures of our journey.
but to be honest, that won't happen .. most likely.
i don't THINK it'd happen.
it might. probably not though.
but the thing is, even though this journey alone is killing me
and even though i'm worn out and grumpy at night
and even though i'm sick a lot and so far only you can fix it,
i'm not giving up.
i still want all those things.
those kisses, those rides.
so just get in the car with me.
please?
i'm always trying to get people to stay by my side.
it'd be nice if someone were to just do it voluntarily.
i don't understand - i have ideas planned out in my head.
how we'll run away, how we'll kiss in the car,
how we'll watch the stars at night, how we'll stop by the side of the road
and take pictures of our journey.
but to be honest, that won't happen .. most likely.
i don't THINK it'd happen.
it might. probably not though.
but the thing is, even though this journey alone is killing me
and even though i'm worn out and grumpy at night
and even though i'm sick a lot and so far only you can fix it,
i'm not giving up.
i still want all those things.
those kisses, those rides.
so just get in the car with me.
please?
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
my mind
was racing so fast last night.
i couldn't sleep.
i was anxious, excited, sad, thrilled.
but i just couldn't get my thoughts to settle themselves.
i tired myself out before i got to dreaming last night.
guess that's what happens when you weigh reality with dreams.
i've got these crazy ideas in my head that are clouding my dreams.
but really, they are dreams.
more like day dreams since i was awake
only it was night time .. which .. would make them dreams?
lots of thoughts. lots. and lots. of thoughts.
i couldn't sleep.
i was anxious, excited, sad, thrilled.
but i just couldn't get my thoughts to settle themselves.
i tired myself out before i got to dreaming last night.
guess that's what happens when you weigh reality with dreams.
i've got these crazy ideas in my head that are clouding my dreams.
but really, they are dreams.
more like day dreams since i was awake
only it was night time .. which .. would make them dreams?
lots of thoughts. lots. and lots. of thoughts.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
it's a funny feeling
when you're hearing positive things
from people about what you love ..
and all the while you're thinking of things that are bad.
thinking of ways to run away, thinking of ways to leave.
it's that funny feeling
of a sad happiness.
of a sad happiness where
your heart hurts in both directions.
your feet are off the ground for two reasons.
i've got that. that funny feeling. that sad, sad, happiness.
from people about what you love ..
and all the while you're thinking of things that are bad.
thinking of ways to run away, thinking of ways to leave.
it's that funny feeling
of a sad happiness.
of a sad happiness where
your heart hurts in both directions.
your feet are off the ground for two reasons.
i've got that. that funny feeling. that sad, sad, happiness.
Monday, November 03, 2008
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