i guess it's natural that towards the end of a break,
that anxious feeling returns.
i watch and listen to other people's lives
and i always feel like running away afterwards.
because i really try to find good things here
and there are good things.
i know that -
and it's just that the idea of a better life
is not that far off, i'm sure.
i'm trying to live less in the future
less in the idea of a better life
but actually having one.
i was going to email you earlier tonight
when i watched a movie and thought of you
and then i saw christmas lights and thought of you.
and then i saw whole foods and thought of you.
and how nice it would be if you worked in that one
instead of down there.
you mentioned moving next year
but i'm ignoring that for right now
because i hope you know that that's not going to be okay
unless of course you move here.
or you move where i go.
and that's selfish to just want you to be where i am.
but i know that it's selfish and i still don't care.
i miss you more that i should and more than i thought i could.
but that's just the way it is
and that's just the way it's always going to be.
because i've been missing you more and more ever since the first time.
i liked that we talked the other day.
it really relaxed me and it was totally unexpected.
and it was EASY.
it was so. damn. easy.
you drove, you called, i answered, we talked.
and we talked about everything.
we talked about our schools, our relationships, our lives, our dreams.
and it was just so nice.
but damn you. because that morning was the first morning that i had woken up
and i hadn't missed you and i hadn't thought of you.
and now, your in my head 439% again.
and i don't mind you being there -
i just wish that i knew what your percentage of me was.


i blame my mind most of the time -
i read books, i write stories, i watch movies, i listen to music, i see couples
and i just continue to fantasize about this escape and this safety that i'll get
if only you'd let me in your arms for longer than a hug.
and when i write, i have to get out of this idea of us working out.
because it's completely unrealistic.
well, not completely.
and that's the problem.
my dreams are way too big for my head.
and i read about other people being together and going the distance
and i can't help but just want to call you or email you and just have it shake you.
have you just be moved to talk to me more.
because i love. it. when we talk.
your probably my favorite person to talk to.
and that's why i can't let myself just go whenever i do
because if i did,
first of all, we'd all be talking.
i'd always be sending you things, i'd always be telling you something
but second of all, you'd know so much more than you'd want.
and it's almost like i want to tell you everything because of this summer
and i want to tell you nothing because of the same summer.

i'm going to go to bed and i'm going to send you the email that i wanted to send you a few hours ago in the morning. because that message is simpler and is nicer and is just going to be more fun to read than if i talked to you know. of course, ever since you called that one morning, i can't help but keep my phone on all night. getting woken up by you was the best.

who knows. maybe tomorrow i won't wake up with you as my first thought. maybe i'll wake up and remember all the things i have to do in reality. and maybe that'll distract me.

i'm trying not to be anxious because this break was fun.
and the next one is soon.
but i want to talk to you again. and i want you to want to talk to me like you did when you called.
i always feel like i'm bothering you. because it bothers me because i know that you're busy and i know that i expect too much. i just have to be careful. there's more people involved than i'll ever be willing to admit to. but i have to choose my words carefully and i have to email you in the morning when my head is cleared.