hanging up.

it's just hard hanging up -
i don't know when my heart hurts when i do but it does.
i guess i just get worried that someone or something will get in our way.
you said that we were smarter, as arrogant as we both knew it sounded, than everyone.
but i think i'm still a little stupid - i'm still a little stuck in my head and you've found a way to get above being above and just be. like i said, i don't know why it's hard hanging up,
but it is. it just makes my heart hurt a little.
we laughed right before we said goodbye. that was a nice ending.
i think that's why it hurt a little more this time.
you're happy or at least for now you are.
and i'm getting there. like i keep saying, it just hurts a little more each time.
relationships are hard - we pretty much beat that topic out
but i wish that they weren't so bad; you said that if the two of us kept going like this, we'd be sad and we'd be lonely. and you said it might seem like i'm the only one without a boyfriend.

that's all true to me right now. things are tough. i was reading up on someone else's life tonight and she said she'd just spend today existing. my only concern is that if i spend too many days just letting myself laugh or cry or yell or dance or scream or hug or talk too loudly or get too excited just for a few minutes every day - i've just existed. bare minimum of minutes filled up like that and then i haven't really lived that day. it's just that things are tough. and i know we talked about them not being that big of a deal and how things are just going to get more ridiculous so we shouldn't let them bug us now .. i just so badly wanted to take that conversation and stick it in my brain in a permanent box. so that tomorrow, when i'm walking in the halls and i'm just looking straight ahead, thinking about talking to you next or running away soon or whatever - i can shake myself and take that conversation out of saving and just say .. there. listen up, crazy, it's all there. he told you that it's not that big of a deal so listen. it's not.

but i just worry.

i miss you when we're apart and i know it'll be awhile longer.

and i worry. that you won't want to see me or it won't matter or it won't be as nice of a thing as i keep thinking it'll have to be. like i said, i just worry. and it hurts -
i constantly just talk things over with myself about wrong, right, good, bad ..

and i'm worried that i've just existed for too long and i won't be able to live.
i'm trying but it's hard. i just need to see some sort of progress .. some way for me just to get somewhere good in my life and stay grounded for awhile. i'm just digging myself into all these holes and then picking new ones each day to go into. it's scary and i'm worried. i want to talk to you about these things but like i said, i worry. i worry that i won't get answers and i worry that it won't be what i'm hoping for and i worry that i don't know what i'm hoping for that i'm worrying i won't get. like i said, it hurts.

we'll see what happens friday. she and i are supposed to go back to the basics but i have a feeling as soon as i bring up that comment .. things will just be bad for awhile. she doesn't know how to help and i don't know what i want from her.

tomorrow i want to do something great. and usually, by the way, it's "someday" i want to do something great. but i don't think someday is going to cut it because someday .. that's too safe.

i think i'm torn because i want to be free, like that dove necklace from last night - that kind of adorable "here, i know i can be free with you, take this and have it forever" {but that's those crazy relationships again, isn't it? you said i wasn't the only one .. show me, alright? i'm starting to think otherwise} and i just really, really, really am just. scared. i'm just so fucking scared.

i'm scared of what i'll be someday. and i'm scared of what i'll be in a year. and i'm scared of what i'll be tomorrow. i'm just scared to be. and it's holding me back and it hurts.

so that. is why it hurts to hang up.
i'm just really. really. scared.