dear you and him:

yeah, this will be the fourth post of today. but i'm just really confused.
and i'm just sad. step up, i'm not going to go look for you.
i think the reason i'm writing so much tonight, or wanting to write more than i actually am allowing myself to write out, is that i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to.
and i know. i am well aware that i do have people to call and people i could visit.
but i want someone to come to me already. i asked him for this weekend and i doubt it'll happen.
yesterday, i was ready. this morning and this afternoon, i was ready.
a few hours ago, i was ready.
but i'm so not ready anymore.
not in that sense anyways.
i just want to cry to you tonight.
but i'm holding back because i know that either you won't respond well
or you won't care. or you won't answer.
there's always that. damn this distance.
i just can't keep myself in one piece for a whole day and it is so. frustrating.
i've got such a heavy mind tonight. and all i want to do is cry to him.
and it doesn't help that you've gotten into my mind - i feel like i have to watch YOU now.
just fucking come to me if you see it, alright? i'm mad.
if you do see it, then come to me, alright? step up, okay? i am just so mad.
i keep reading over that comment
and can't help but wonder, it's been at least a week and a half
and you haven't done a fucking thing.
i don't even know if i fucking have the right person in mind.
but if i do, i know you love me.
but it's hard sometimes when i feel like i can't talk to you.
i know you aren't judging me
but its hard when you're smiling so much
and i'm smiling along
and we're not talking about this crap that's going on.
i still remember when he said that he KNEW what kind of shit this was, that he had gone through it. and i went to YOU that next day. I DID. and we laughed about it, and i smiled for a day after that. because it felt good to talk about that and just laugh it off.

but the same old shit is going on. it's not over, it's not even remotely close.
so can we just talk about it? i can't go to you if i know that you've known for this long
and you say you feel like you haven't done a good job but you just don't know how to help.
you just haven't asked. if you do see it, make some time for me. i'm begging you.

because all i want to do tonight is cry to him. and i know he won't care or he won't know how to help either or he won't answer. but the thing is, is i want to talk to him and he's 2 and a half hours away with a girlfriend and a complicated, busy, messy life too. you're down the street and we don't talk. not like we did that time before school started. not like we did last summer. not like we did when we were little. if you do see it, come to me. because right now, all i want is him.