Alright,

writesleepcreatelaughhugcreatesleepwritereadeatsleepcreatecreatecreatecreate.

next week,
mentally prepare yourself.
next week,
physically prepare yourself.
next week,
be prepared.
next week will be okay.

I'm done.

And I'm reaching out to you because I've reached my breaking point, again. See, the first time I went to Columbus, I needed ultimate escape. I couldn't handle things here anymore and the six hours I was away, it wasn't raining so hard on my head. I was able to see clearly and I lasted awhile, hopping in and out of escape when I could. But now, I'm back to my breaking point and though the most recent cut on my arm has almost entirely healed, I'm at my breaking point. I'm going back to Columbus for escape but it's entirely different now.

And I expect you not to mishandle the situation. You seem sincere, strangely sincere. I'll put aside all assumptions and be entirely sincere too. Because I'm at my breaking point and I need to get away. I need my escape again and you offered. Be prepared, I mean it when I say I need it.

Please.

I'm back to slicing

And I need to be writing it here - the kids don't care and that bothers me.
In a way, I moved locations with my words so people would love me.
I did.
I figured, well, I'm not getting any attention over here so I'll go over there.
And now that I'm back to cutting up my arm, I'm back here with allllll the demons.
Bring it on. My entire self, hurts.
And I love that.
Oops, no progress there.
I'm bitter.

Jamie Tworkowski's response: You are not a fake. You are not letting us down. You don't have to apologize. Our hope is that when someone wears a TWLOHA shirt, they're not saying they have it all together or that eveything is easy now. We hope they're simply saying that these issues matter to them, that they're fighting to believe in hope and help, and they're fighting to help others believe as well. There is no membership process, no criteria for acceptance. This is a movement for broken people and it is led by broken people. This movement exists for you and people like you. It is yours as much as it's mine. We want to say that we're sorry for your pain, for whatever it is that hurts and causes you to cut. We want to say that you're not alone tonight. Perhaps more than anything, we want to push back at the lie called shame that suggests you're stuck, suggests you're fake, suggests you're somehow failing us.

"You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters. We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck. We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.
i could tell myself that i forgot i saw this
or that i forgot there was this organization
but that wouldn't be true
i know it's out there and i know there's help too
but when i see someone send something like that in,
it reminds me that other people are struggling too
and i would have thought that knowing that
and reading that
would have made me feel better and made me feel stronger
but the truth is, i'm still weaker than i'm telling people
and i'm still weaker than i'd like to tell myself even
i know i'm getting there
and that i took a few good steps in the right direction
but it's really, really hard to stay in that direction
and to stay that grounded.
it's just really hard
i thought seeing this would help but it just makes me uncomfortable
and i know that my situation makes everyone uncomfortable too
because it is an uncomfortable situation
i wish i could change but i'm having trouble still
and i don't think that i want to
because when i saw this and these words,
i wanted to forget that i had
and that makes me think that i wanted to forget about hope
-Post Monday, December 1st, 2008.


Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. After that post, things were stagnantly awful for awhile. Then, eventually things got better and I let them. Now, things are awful again. I got so low Thursday morning. And it's only Friday night and I can't even remember what the light looked like on Wednesday during the day, even though it rained the whole time in Washington. Even though, there was still light. I woke up in a hotel room where the bed was big and the sheets were warm. The elevator had jokes, my suitcase wasn't stressing me out. But then, right around the 7th hour of the bus ride back, my feelings started to sink. Now, it's 12:20 on a Friday. And I can't even remember what the light looked like that Wednesday afternoon. Or on Wednesday morning. Or Tuesday night. Or Monday. Or Sunday. Fuck. I picked up that needle yesterday evening and I don't know what to do now. I feel like a fake, smiling. I feel like a fake, crying. I'm still uncomfortable. But now, I'm uncomfortable because my arm itches for more. And I"m pretty sure that no one saw today, though I wore short sleeves just to punish myself. I just fucking hate myself right now. I really do. I'm just so stupid. I opened that drawer and I can't close it now. Damn, that was stupid. I can't talk about it with anyone - everyone who knew was proud. I can't disappoint people, again. I already did that, as soon as I came back. Hell. I don't know why I did it. But I did and now, I want more. Now, I want blood. Now, I want it again. The deep cuts, the itch during the day to run home to my drawer. Hell. That drawer is open, a little over two months later.
...

i hate giving into weaknesses.
i guess all that nothing
turned into my needle
last night.
fuck.
i was doing well, too.
but as soon as i came back into town,
everyone jumped down my throat
with expectations
and i missed that ledge a few times.
so i tried a few other vices, first.
just so you know, it wasn't my first try.
but my drawer just looked so inviting
with my head banging from all the pressure.
and i wanted to quiet it down,
so i slipped up.
i didn't like it.
but i did it.
the problem was, it felt good
after a minute.
the problem was, i forgot
that i do like it.
fuck.
i hate that drawer.
i just couldn't put it down -
dammit! i was doing so well, too.
fuck that.
i tried.
damn. fuck.
i hate this.
i thought i had a grip.
ahhh

just so you know, it doesn't sting so much this time. i guess since i've been away, i got a little more dressed up and put on a better attitude. i wrote you on the bus. i didn't finish it and i won't mail it. i probably wouldn't have anyways. but it's almost like i'm so tired right now that i'm numb. and i'm tired from being in Washington and i thought about you. i thought about you in the hotel, on the metro, in the elevator, on the bus. but i checked again tonight and it didn't sting so much this time. when i saw it, i just kind of shrugged and accepted it. moved on right away - didn't dwell. i have so much other stuff going on that i can't worry about you. and it's not that i don't worry about you or that i don't worry about us, it's just that chemistry is in front of me and euro is under that. music is playing out of my speakers, my coat itches a little. i have two tests tomorrow and a teen shabbat. i also want to go to appetite after school. so, it's not that i'm not thinking about you or that i'm not worried, it's just that i can't have you in me right now - my head has so much else that i can't. you've been living in there for so long and i thought when you two broke up that you'd get a bed in the corner of my mind, camp out for awhile. but you got back together, and you packed up your temporary suitcase that allowed me to convince myself that you might be staying for me. i don't know what i was expecting. except i know that i was expecting you to call, come, whatever. profess your love for me, the love you always had. saw pictures of you and your other girl too. made me think that maybe she had become just another girl in the picture, someone who changed after you for the worse and someone who you couldn't even talk about because you loved them.

i thought for a minute - considered deleting this entire post. then i looked inside myself for a second to check for bleeding via heart like the first time i heard. i don't even see a tear. my head, when i looked inside, was blank, except for the words i type and the lyrics in the background song playing loudly. it's not that i don't worry or that i don't want you for myself or that i've suddenly stopped loving you. it's just that i'm tired. i'm tired of telling the same story over and over again and you came up in conversation today, in photo, and tina accidentally called you ben. it made me laugh just a little. because when ben left, i scrambled to take pictures to remember him by. becuase when he left, i thought that i couldn't go on with my camera. but i did. you were next. i scrambled that day in the junkyard to capture it all and it makes me laugh now that those pictures are difficult to print. that they're tainted with light stains and out of order for the negatives. the ones i took more recently, ms. conner doesn't really like. C worthy. not A worthy. oh well. because i checked again for blood on my heart, and i don't feel anything. it's not that i don't care. it's just that .. i'm nothing now. it's not numb because that would mean i was stung recently. it's not empty because that would mean i was full recently. it's just nothing. and that's sad. but it's 10:21 and i have chemistry and euro under that. and the same song playing on my computer. i love you, she has you again. she just should know not to let you go again because if she does, she's silly. i can't even type how great you are because the keys from those words are so worn down that i can't even see them anymore. so are the ones for 'i love you' but i keep putting those out there, just in case. whatever, i'm nothing now. and it's not tragic. and it's not something you all should cry over or ache upon. because it's just nothing now. it's just. nothing. and that's just it. nothing. it's nothing. i can't keep repeating the same sad story of 'me and you: the almost was (in my head)' because it's nothing. really, it's okay. it's just getting later and it's just getting less and less hard to put my thoughts in the back of my head for the night and look up bonds and vocabulary and the great depression. ironic. but not really. because it's not depressing. it's just that - it's just nothing. oh well. here's almost another weekend. i might call but i think i have to feel again first. for tonight, i'll let myself feel nothing, it's nice not being distracted by you and you not even knowing it. tonight, it'll just be nothing. tomorrow morning, it might hurt. i might be dizzy from all the nothing and i may see double from all the nothing. but for now, 10:26, it's nothing and i'm okay with that nothing. because it isn't anything. it's nothing.

i could have kissed you, that day in that yard. we could have rolled with it, just the two of us out in the middle of nowhere. i could have kissed you that day, i could have kissed you that next day. i could have kissed you all the other days before that. i could have kissed you all the days after that. i could of, but i didn't. i should of, but i didn't. your lips looked so delicious to me, always did, always will. i could of told you that i loved you that day in that yard. i could of told that i always would. i could of, but i didn't. i should of, but i didn't. now, i can again. actually, i always could have but i was biting my tongue. i was biting my tongue that day in that yard and i really shouldn't have been. i kick myself all the time when i think about that day, about how i should have just run up to you and jump into your arms, despite everything that you were holding. because i love you. and i could have kissed you that day in that yard for hours. i could have kissed you that day in that car for days. i was so happy, i was so nervous. because my heart beat so fast that day that i was sure that it would have jumped out of my ribcage if i had let it, that it would have busted from my chest if i hadn't been holding my hands so tightly on my dress. i could have kissed you that day in that yard. i could of, but i didn't. i should of. but i didn't. because i was scared that i would never be able to come back to that dusty ground if i did. because i was scared that i would never be able to leave that front car seat if i did. because i was scared that i would never be able to see you go back home alone if i did. i could of kissed you. i should of kissed you. i could kiss you. i should kiss you. and never let go because i love you and my heart is beating hard at the seams to say so.

synecdoche pt. 4

"autumn held so much discarded potential. leaves were pushed through with rough edged rakes rather than delicately picked and honored. sizzled away with one final degree was the heat of summer. the threat of winter scared people into thick knitted scarves. but, with the taste of warm apple cider lingering on their tongues, they promised that they wouldn't forget the season. that they wouldn't forget the calm that lulled them into a deep sleep for the night. that they wouldn't forget each other. it seemed like days passed without memory, that weeks were thrown away - but everything was better then."

synecdoche pt. 3

"summer air in the middle of the afternoon was most romantic. the way the tree leaves sang when a gust of wind hit them, how the sun spilled itself to every hillside to whip the flowers back upright; it was all so beautiful. she would always be partial to summer because of him, because of the time they had spent together, hours at a time. his words were scarce but when they came, they tumbled out of his mouth and flooded everything they touched with remarkable grace. when his lips closed, they kissed. it was always cold, always soothing. the anticipation of him kept her smile stretching the length of the state line. she had never felt more alive than when he was with her - everything was perfect"

synecdoche pt. 2

"driving on the highway in the springtime excited them. the windows were always down - they had bought the mustang like that and they weren't even sure if they actually did go up. with her long hair blowing a messy frame around her face, he often had a difficult time concentrating on the road. sometimes, they drove for long periods of time in silence. sometimes the only map they followed was the one of their hearts. riding on the cusp of winter and summer thrilled them beyond any explanation. they were between seasons and without a single care - everything was simple"

synecdoche pt. 1

"they city seemed extra cold that first winter. they sky was laced in layers of darkness all the time. the wind blew roughly across any face that dared to show off to the storm. even the buildings tried to shrink down small. the streetlights dimmed and the selectively placed streetlamp flickered weakly. drivers hardly ever changed their stubborn expressions. street corners housed the saddest of couples where boys were wrapped around their girls, heads close to each others, lips tight to keep out the clod from everywhere else around them. the warmest of fires still couldn't have held in the heat, though, for more than a few moments at a time. everyone was loneliest these days - everything outside was bare"

uh.oh, i'm in a kissing mood.
damn this weather,
damn valentine's day.
damn my overactive heart.

i love your music.

i love you.
you know i love your music.
you don't know i love you.
i tell you i love your music every chance i can
i don't tell you i love you at all.
it's sad, really.
that i have so much love for someone
who won't hear me say that
today, or tomorrow, or next week
or even next year, most likely.
it makes me sad that
inside and out,
i love your music and i love you
and you can only the half of it.

you could have at least eaten it,
you know.

"In these days with the world gettin colder
She spends more time sleeping over
Than I’d planned
Tonight we're gonna order in
Drinkin wine and watchin CNN
It’s dark, I know
But then again, it's the brightest thing I've got
From fireworks to fireplaces
Summer stole what fall replaces
And now we're people watching
All the people, people watching us right back
Standing by the missing signs
At the CVS, by the checkout line
She puts her quiet hands in mine,
Cause she's the brightest thing I've got
When I’m covered in rain, rain
And come December, Lydia left.
She mentioned something ‘bout it being for the best,
And I can't say I disagree, and its killing me.
And now I’m standing facing west
Tracing my fingers round a silhouette
I haven’t gotten used to yet,
But it’s the brightest thing I’ve got
When I’m covered in rain .."

Supposed to be in the 50's today, rain all throughout, high winds.
Listening to the drops hit the panes and then John Mayer's serenade
Really is beautiful, really doesn't make me want to go get clothes for school and put the books in my bag but I guess I will. Just let myself be carried away today. Maybe the wind will think I look appetizing today and lift me off the ground for awhile, let me play in the clouds, plump with rain just waiting to fall, cast down on unsuspecting heads and onto welcoming tongues.
I'll catch the rain today and if you asked,
I'd catch you too.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIhateuploadingthesevideostheylookhorribledamnthatmoodlightingwhatthehelllaaaaaaaaah.

212% selfish.

but you aren't mine, are you?
you won't give me candy hearts
this year, i won't give you a valentine.
but if you gave me your heart;
ventricles, atria, pulmonary valve.
i'd take it all with the greatest of ease ..
because i know that i'll always love you.

"It does not count if you believe in yourself when it's easy to believe in yourself. It does not count if you believe the world can be a better place when the future looks bright. It does not count if you think you're going to make it when the finish line is right in front of you.
It counts when it's hard to believe in yourself, when it looks like the world's going to end and you've still got a long way to go.

That's when it counts. That's when it matters the most."
-http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

I know you didn't write this for me, I'm not the "you" in the "I Wrote This For You" but you help people through their days, and today you helped me. I wasn't sure how best to explain my feelings this afternoon but this is perfect. So, thank you. Thank you for giving me the words to explain to myself how I feel - all the time, it feels like I don't have the words I want so I just write and write and write until I come up with something I do want to say. But today, I tried to write out words to describe this afternoon's feelings. But - for now, these words are the words that I needed to hear, to say to myself, to say to anyone who is listening. I'm really trying to believe in myself - I'm really trying to believe in myself. It's hard. Because you're right, it isn't easy to believe in yourself when things aren't easy. I'm trying so hard to believe in myself but it would help if people believed in me, if I knew people believed in me. I'm sure if I asked them, some would say yes, some no and some wouldn't answer me - but I have to know which to believe. And I think I can only believe myself - I have to believe that I can do all that I want to do, despite it all. I have to believe in myself. I have to.

supposed to be in the mid 50's today.
and then it's supposed to rain tonight.
for awhile, nothing revolved around you -
the weather was just rain, snow, wind, sun
now it all reminds me of you
of your words, of your smiles, of your quivers
today it's supposed to be warm.
that'll remind me of our best memories
and when it rains tonight,
i might cry. or i might think about crying to you.
and then i might cry.
call and try and stop me
is a hopeful thing to say
because i don't think you will.
but ask me how i am, ask me if i've made any rain of my own tonight
so i know you're out there, listening really to me.

"i miss you more than i should,
more than i thought i could -
can't get my mind off of you.
[i know you're scared that i'll soon be over it all]"

see, my words are tired. i'm tired. i got through last week like *that*
but why do i feel like this week will be worse? i think because last week, i was reeling in the glory of the weekend and i might have maybe just a little thought that this weekend that just passed, would be filled with you too. next weekend has the possibility of that - but it won't happen. first of all, i can't go back so soon due to the parental unit. second of all, i can NOT sit in a room full of couples or crushes or couple crushes for two hours - watch them cozy up on the couch when i snag a table near the front to film you and then think about you running into my arms at the end of your set. but you won't. you'll go to her. and that makes me sad and tired and scared. it also makes me realize that i miss you more than i should but not more than i thought i could - i only think i could keep missing you and that turns into more and more and more. i wish you followed by saying that you know that i'm scared but you won't be over it all anytime AT all.. but you won't. because you have her arms to hold first, her mouth to kiss first, her words to repeat first. let me know when you do, by the way. because three weeks ago, you told me you were practically over it and now i'm pretty sure that you're just getting further under her .. so, let me know. i want to know when my broken heart can break again..

i have work to do; books to read, papers to write, equations to solve. i should be preparing for next weekend's trip; studying up, folding clothes, telling teachers. somehow, i'm managing to avoid most all of this. because just because i didn't answer right away didn't mean that i wasn't interested or that i didn't like it - it meant that i wanted to linger in your words, in your song. relish in having power for once. but just because i told you that i was busy didn't mean i didn't love it and it doesn't mean that i don't love you. because i do. and honestly, i was just happy to be busy with something for a few minutes that cooled my mind from being wrapped around you - it's exhausting loving you .. because every day that i wake up and realize you won't call that morning, or you won't laugh that afternoon, or you won't comfort me that evening, i just want to roll myself back up in my sheets and pretend like the rest of the world isn't out there anymore, that it's just me and my thoughts. because there, i'm with you. there, you love me and you hold me and tell me beautiful, quiet things. there, you're mine and i'm yours. there, we love each other. but when i put my feet on the carpet and rub at my eyes, the dreams slowly start to fade out - and i busy myself. but that doesn't mean that i don't love you.

"I won't regret saying this
This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut,
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad but, in case I'll go there everyday
To make myself feel bad, there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do
I won't be out long but I still think it better if
You take your time coming over here
I think that's for the best"
-Tegan and Sara "Call It Off"

the weather is getting warmer but my heart is still pretty cold from the summer.

PS. First day in my own apartment,
I'm recreating this picture.
If I feel like I can write an entire story about a picture by first glance, then I feel like it's done it's duty. Then I feel like it's "worthy"
If I can look at a picture,
and feel something,
something that doesn't last long
and is hard to put my finger on
but feels so good,
then it's "worthy"
Because with this picture, I get that feeling of autumn leaves, just for a second. I can feel the breeze in my bones, almost for an entire minute. And then I shake it out and look again for a new feeling. Because with this picture, I feel like I can write an entire story based on it. I want someone to look at my photographs and feel that - I want someone to look at my photographs and believe in something again. I want someone to look at my photographs and feel something that they've missed, if only for a minute at most. Because that's why I photograph and that's why I get so frustrated and that's why I get so serious as I rush back and forth between the darkroom and the classroom. Because I want to get it right - I want to get that feeling right for people as soon as they look at my photograph. And on days that I don't work in the darkroom or on days that I do but don't get anything done, that means I just don't have that feeling anymore. I feel like then I can't give it to anyone with my work so why should I force out crap? It's not worth producing something that I can't look back at and FEEL something with. This picture makes me feel things - it makes me want to be that girl. It makes me sad and it makes me pleased, all in equal 100% amounts. I love photography for that reason alone; the feelings that come when you least expect them too and then they linger inside your heart and makes your head ache. I want to recreate this picture so when I look at it, I can feel even more. I feel like today will be good.

you could call tomorrow morning. tomorrow morning, i could wake up and pick up the phone and listen to your voice, in a low whisper so you don't startle me.

you could call tonight. you could also call tomorrow afternoon. but you could call tomorrow morning.
tomorrow morning, i could wake up and not believe it's really you. and then not be able to go back to sleep because my legs are kicking and my lips are smiling.

- you could call anytime.
but call tomorrow morning.

you won't answer me.

"Hey, tough day?"
"Yeah, I can't remember the last one that wasn't."

Sunday night, damn that night, was hard. I was overtired from Friday and Saturday, I was stressed out from Sunday morning and wiped from the afternoon. I'm glad that I didn't have to talk to anyone besides my dad right afterward - I guess I'm learning the difference and balance between letting it all go for a few minutes and being completely vulnerable and keeping it locked away inside and then exploding later. Went through both but I'm proud of myself for not cutting, honestly. I thought I was going to - I cried instead. I think that I'm learning tears aren't completely painless but they certainly are healthier and in respect to a pin, much less painful. Yeah, hard night. But, now it's already Wednesday and I haven't cried since. I'm doing alright again, I think. I just have to keep pushing. Honestly, I think it helps I have a period every day that I can listen to my iPod, read, write, sleep. For an entire hour, too. Days are tough without you, days are tough with you, days are just tough. But I have to keep my head up and my hands off my wrists. I told myself how disappointed I would be if I did and I just kept telling myself that it wasn't worth it, it wasn't. I've got to be getting stronger in some sense, then, if I can do that and talk myself out of it. I can't tell you, though, that I didn't when I wasn't to because I'd have to explain why I wanted to in the first place and that's complicated and messy and petty and vulnerable and mean. I really hate, HATE, being weak in front/because of you. It's not fair to either one of us and I hate knowing that I'm making you uncomfortable or that you're making me cry. So, I'm trying really hard. I'm working harder. I'm staying stronger. Because I need to wake up and have thoughts that don't start with sighs. Sunday was tough and since then, not so tough. I'm proud of myself - I am. It may seem stupid or that I'm selfish or that I should just be able to control everything but I can't and I'm really really working hard to keep things in a straight line and stay on that line. We'll talk soon, I'm sure. I won't tell you, I'm sure. But maybe we'll talk about something else. Maybe you'll know. You might. I wish you do.

i had something long and complicated ready for you to read, if you still do. but then i changed my mind through the course of the day as i had hoped that i would. it's not complicated at all, actually, i kept telling myself today as i went over what i wanted to explain. i love you now and you don't love me now. i'm not even going to say that traditional "not as far as i know, anyways" second half that i tell myself in order to feel better about the situation. because what i feel is that i love you now and you don't love me now. and for tonight, i feel like that's okay again. i just wish that we could love each other at the same time, that we will before it's too late. because i don't want to say that i wish we could HAVE loved. you mean too much to me, i love you too much. i do. because i have so much love for you that you won't be able to stand up straight or wrap your arms around me for my love will be too great, too strong, too forever.

i think the next time.. i'll open my mouth and just let some air come out. that way you'll have to listen really, really, really closely to hear what i'm thinking and how i feel. that way, you'll have to come inside and rest on my tongue, lay there for awhile. just to see what happens when i see you. and then what happens when i see the two of you. and then what happens what happens when i see it as the two of us instead.

Sam writes exactly fifty word stories Monday through Friday: fiftywords.com

Jan 31

i knew her then

I knew her when she was sweet, and I don’t mean she isn’t now. But I knew her when she was young and sweet, when she smiled with girlish, distant innocence, when she cried at the thought of us not spending our lives together. Only I really knew her then.

I've been waiting for my day for so long. I hoped that these words would be extra beautiful to me - and they are. These are beautiful words and what an awesome idea, fifty words everyday. I love this idea and I love these words for my day. Therefore, I will love today.

Reminder from:		blueskies372's Calendar
Title:		ME!
Date:		Saturday January 31, 2009
Time:		All Day
Repeats:		This event repeats every year.

not any more suckaaas. pack up the car.
& wake me up before you go-go
[SO SO stuck in my head. must here more Wham..must..]
please do not remain there the whole time
otherwise i might just .. jump when i see you.
because i danced around my room like a maniac this afternoon after school
because i am so SO freaking excited. SO. SO excited. oh, man.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY TOMORROW.
crazy, crazy.
i can not waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait. i can't!
i want to stay up all night to relish in all the tomorrow glory.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

you said you didn't know what to get me for my birthday.
but how about that?
i'd like getting that.
i really would. maybe just along the sidewalks, where all the lamps are all lit up.
in the cool of the night, i'd like that.
it's just times like this when i really like email.
when it's unexpected, funny. silly. like this.
boy, you're a goofball. and i love it.
you're just so goofy!
you said you didn't know what to get me for my birthday
and that's exactly that - that's exactly what i needed to hear.
i didn't even think about things that way and then .. ah, yeah.
i'm so excited for friday.
i'm so excited for saturday.
i'm so excited for sunday.
I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

Love Bon Iver.
..
Love Ingrid Michaelson.
..
Love 'Skinny Love'.
..
Love this.
..

Four days..crazy.
1. AVIATOR SUNGLASSES
2. "Other People's Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant To See" Bill Shapiro
3. The Polaroid Book / The Photography Book
4. POLAROID INSTANT 600 SPEED FILM "Yeah..no. Sweetheart, they went out of business" Yeah. I know, sweetheart. Bitch, I can carry my own.
5. Pentax K1000: Fisheye Lens
6. Punching bag and gloves
7. Typewriter Ribbons
8. Miles: "Wow And Flutter".. etc other iTunes CDs
9. John Mayer: 2009 Calender
10. John Mayer: On His Own Tour Shirt
11. Hell, JOHN MAYER. Ah, hah.
12. Let's Go Sailing: cartoon tshirt
13. The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book
14. This Is How Rumors Get Started EP
15. This Is How Rumors Get Started tshirt
16."The Time Traveler's Wife" Audrey Niffeneger
17. LIGHTS: tshirt/LIGHTS: tshirt
18. LIGHTS: comic book
19. Backseat Goodbye: "Monsters Under Your Head"
20. Backseat Goodbye: Polaroid Package

I can't focus on anything, by the way. At ALL. On Wednesday I'll daydream. Thursday too. And Friday most of all. Because I already did that yesterday and today. Oh, man. I was supposed to be studying. I was supposed to be doing homework. Ha, I didn't. Too excited. Eeeeeeeiiiiiik.

"I’ve spread my wings, but they won’t extend all the way.
I remember dreaming of these days, and now they’re all mine.
My future is in my hands, and I’m not giving it away to anyone.
I’m just your average girl, but I’m trying.
I’ll be more than this one day.
Soon.
Just give me a little time to prove myself to you.
I will.
And I can’t wait to show this town everything I had all along,
but they were too ignorant to see."
-http://laurenbolek.tumblr.com

See, I read your blog and I'm in awe. You say you're just average but you don't seem that way to me. It's hard to feel anything but awe towards people like you because I'm still clouded in my dreams, unwilling to come down until I get exactly what's up in my head. In my head, I swing from the tallest trees without the least bit of fear but when I walk home from school, I get scared I'm going to get hit by a car. In my head, I take long drives across the country and stop only to take take pictures with a boy I love on the sides of all the roads we pass over but when I sit in my parent's car, I can't go any further than a few miles. In my head, I've got it all but when I open my eyes, I don't see anything similar at all. I'm trying to make all my dreams come out of there and stay on paper, rest in my hands, spill from my lips. I have to get out of Cleveland. I'm going crazy - everything looks the same around here. I don't DO anything. I'm too busy dreaming and I'm too scared to stop. I think if I try and push something out, not even all of my dreams, just one little one, that when it doesn't work out or it doesn't follow how I feel, I'll run in the other direction and never want to sit in my head again. I want to be more. I want to wake up in the morning and kiss cold lips and make them warm. I want to fall asleep at night, so tired from building living room forts and blasting music from the speakers. I want to walk around in a daze because there's beauty around me - new beauty, old beauty, my beauty. I want it all and I'm so scared that I won't ever get it. I'm turning 17 in just a few days and I was excited. I still am, don't get me wrong. I'm ready to get on with things, move past high school and make something of myself to this place that takes me for what little I am. I feel like no one will wait around for me to become what I want, that no one will take my hand at 1 in the morning and tell me how great I am and how great I can be. I feel like no one will do that and that scares me. I feel like I've got all this bottled up in my head and in my heart and if anything happens, I'll explode and ruin it all with my scattered bits all about. I'm trying. But I just want to be. I want to get on a plane or sit in a car and go. Go somewhere where I don't wake up feeling the same weight I had the day before but with energy to go talk to someone new or find something fresh. But for now, I'll wait for myself - I know I'll be there someday with a big white walled apartment in a big city with a big bed in the middle with a big window across from me. With a darkroom set up only a few steps away and a huge stereo system with giant headphones. With that someone who will take me out everyday and show me the little things, show me the big things. Show me, me. Because I know I'll get there someday. But I'm asking for a little less time to let me be less and a little more push. You said that you're just average and you'll be more soon. But to me, you are the more I want to be. So, if for tonight that's all I get to know, that's fine. After all, it's only 7:00. Maybe I'll be a little more by the time 8 rolls around.

this is going to be the best, ever. ever. ever. ever. ever.
i already told tina that it doesn't even matter what happened/happens
because it's officially my birthday week
and i'm so. happy.
and phew,
everything is back to where it was yesterday.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeik.
youuuuu have no idea. no idea. NO idea. how stoked i am.
oh man. oh. MAN.
this morning my dad was like "welcome to monday morning"
ouch. how about welcome to the BEST week ever?
yeah, that's more like it. oh my gosh.
i'm so excited. i feel like everything is going to be perfect.
i mean, honestly? things have never worked out like this before.
ahhhh! i'm going to be doing a lot of shrieking and jumping. oh yeah.
because it's my birthday week!!!
AH! so. excited.

"True. But sometimes I wish I had photographs so I could remind myself that those times we’d spent together weren’t just in my imagination." -lovebot.tumblr.com

Exactly. I'm afraid in a few years or months or weeks, I'll only have those photographs to remember that day. That's part of the reason I think about it so much. That afternoon, those few hours, were like we were on a completely different level. We were completely alone in a place where no one would look to find us. I just want to get that back. Not because I'm unhappy now or because you are. But because I loved that feeling of just being with you, all alone. Me with my camera, you with your smile. Both of us with our good looks and jokes. The distance was shut down and sealed off. I don't want to think about this in a few years or months or weeks and just be imagining it. That's not fair because that afternoon was too good to only be remembered by photographs. Please don't make me recreate those memories. Please stay with me to create new ones, better ones. Ones that don't have such a tragic ending only a little while later. I love those photographs. I feel like everyone looks at them but they can't see what I felt - what you felt- what we felt. What we conquered. We were two against the world that day and we dominated. Top of the world, baby. Top of the world. Thank you. Just don't make me imagine it. Let me feel it more often, alright? It was wonderful and it makes me feel warm inside whenever winter wraps around my bones too tightly and I feel suffocated and chilled. You break all of the ice away. Thank you. Just don't make me take out the chisel myself next year or next month or next week. I need more - Let me know it's not all in my imagination.

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, "I'm not going to make it,"
but you laugh inside remembering all the times you've felt that way.
-Charles Bukowski

Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday. Next week, it's my birthday. I'm making Monday - Sunday my birthday week. Officially. I just have to get through tomorrow - and I'm not going to climb out of bed thinking I won't make it. Because I just did that this morning and look, it's the next night and I'm still kicking. I'm kicking a little bit slower and I have my head down a little more but all I have to do is get through tomorrow. And tomorrow can't be that bad, right? Tomorrow is Friday. I'll be tired but I've felt that way before. All I have to do is laugh tomorrow morning when I get up. Because I've felt this way before and I'm still around. I'm still making it.
And I'll continue to make it?

i'll always make musical love letters for you
because i think that that's the only way to make you listen to me on repeat
maybe one day, i'll get one from you
with the same intentions?
and then we'll throw away any subtlety
and bring back that dying and dead chivalry.

i want someone who will wear the same tshirt as me all day and then in bed, so i can hold onto the adventures we had when i sleep. someone who will hold my hand when we walk out in the cold. someone who will run to meet me at the door and jump up and down when i arrive. someone who will call me just to say good afternoon rather than good morning or good night. someone who will say they want to watch movies with me but will be watching me the whole time. someone to kiss in the rain. i want someone who wants me back. can i ask you to get that for me for my birthday? would you look all day and then realize it's you?

mine at least.

"Let's pretend we're artists and everything we feel is something new to be proud of. Let's take our imaginary friends on a double date and ditch them in a movie and hope they get along while we kiss outside on the sidewalk. Let's take the dreams you mumbled in your sleep and paint a child's nursery. And if we don't finish today, we've always got tomorrow."

-pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

let's pretend it's just the two of us against the world. let's pretend we analyze everyone and no one can figure the two of us out. let's pretend that nothing can stop us. tell me those things next time? we are artists so i don't think it's so much of a request. just be around tomorrow when i might get down again. you always pick me up so stick around? i'll return the favor - i promise.

i'm becoming more independent. i'm spending time doing more for myself. i'm learning i don't have as many shortcomings as i thought i did.




___________________________________________________________________




i'm getting there but that doesn't mean that i still don't need you. (you called just a few minutes later. thank you for that. i smiled so much that night.)

"Sometimes pain becomes such a big part of your life, that you expect it to always be there because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then, one day, you feel something else. Something that feels wrong but only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment, you realize. You're happy" For awhile, I would have rather just tucked myself away with my iPod and slipped on my headphones. The world was too noisy for me - I didn't want to listen to anything because I figured that all I needed to hear, I could control. Yeah, right. Now, I'm still spending most of my time listening but I'm not listening to just my own thoughts anymore. At some point, a few weeks ago, things started to change. I stopped crying as much and I stopped getting angry as much. I started to put my time into dancing around in the darkroom rather than sulking. I started smiling in the halls more rather than just trying to get to class. Granted, I'm still sad. But I'm sad now when something sad happens rather than assuming that something sad is always going to be going on and just being sad. I thought that was what I was supposed to feel like. I thought that I was supposed to just be like that because I was in pain and I was hurting. But now, I'm happy. I told myself that when it first started, I was just on a good streak - that something horrible would come and sweep me up because I had my guard down - because I was actually laughing and I was actually singing and being with people. I've stopped turning down as many plans as I used to. I thought that if I was alone, I could figure everything out and then after I figured everything out, I could go be with people. Again - yeah, right. I'm going to take these good days as they are - good days. I don't need to go look for the bad. I don't need to turn things over so often that I lose any good that they once held. I'm taking chances. Granted, small chances. But, hell, two months ago? I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I would be happy for more than an afternoon, let alone what's going on now. Something changed. I'd like to think it's me but it's not entirely. I'm still listening to music nonstop. But I'm not tucking myself away. I'm playing it outside, I'm playing it loudly, I'm playing it for and with other people. The world isn't any less noisy these days. If anything, it's nosier. But now, I'm listening to what's going around me and talking back. Now, I'm mixing my noise right along with it.

listen to joey hendrickson's handmade studio version of
Rain Another Night
because when the video angle covers mic, headphones, bangs, scarf,
& shirt of white
and his voice is 1000 types
of sweet,
this song is best played out
on repeat...


and i always like to do more than one thing at a time. so you should too!
any or all at your fingertips:
Joey Hendrickson: ReverbNation
Joey Hendrickson: PureVolume
Joey Hendrickson: Facebook
Joey Hendrickson: Myspace
Joey Hendrickson: Bebo
Joey Hendrickson: Virb

"when it comes to you, i am at a constant state of nostalgia."
-ohalleebaby.tumblr.com

yesterday, elissa and molly talked to me about being fancy and how we all felt really fancy inside..we just didn't have any opportunities to be fancy. we tried really hard all day to be as fancy as we could..i think we did pretty well. i even felt a little fancier just trying it out. molly said that she thinks we'll all be rich one day - that we'll all be really successful and get to get together when we're older and be fancy then with really long, elegant black dresses and pearl necklaces. we talked about wedding dresses, we talked about falling in love, we talked about decorating our houses. we went into all kinds of fancy stores and we complimented each other all afternoon. we just had fun dreaming with each other.

then, last night i got that summer camp feeling and i tried realllly hard to hold onto that - the feeling that i got last summer when we were prepping for kesher with lanterns and grills and trying to light everything and win competitions for the best supplies. that warm, lingering feeling of being out in the sun on the grass in shorts and sitting in a circle with my friends. i love that place. i love it. there were just so many good things about that place..man, i wish i could have that feeling forever. it only lasted for a second or two but i tried my best to stay in that summer sun frame of mind. it was just so perfect.

my birthday is coming up really soon and i always get nostalgic when this time of year comes around. the winter slump always picks back up right before my birthday. i'm getting a little old..i'm going to be making so bigger decisions in this next years to come than i've made before but i think i'll be able to do it. things lately have been working in my favor and that makes me really happy. a few months ago, i wrote about my perfect brithday weekend. i just can't imagine how well this is working out - i never really imagined it working out this well. i'm extremely excited to see him play again and espesically [that's right - my fingers spelled that out correctly first time. bam!] on my birthday and i guess it just makes sense now about not going over winter break. i'd like to listen to him play every single day but it's just so special when i actually do .. and now, man, my birthday night. perfect, no? i just hope i get to see the studio..that that works out and that i get to capture it all in and hold onto it. and then on sunday, i'll have the party and we'll see what goes down with who there. i'm so thrilled. i love parties, i love gifts. but i really love unwrapping gifts. the anticipation. the wrapping paper. the bows. the three of us were in victoria's secret yesterday - i got a little more over my fear of being in there- and we had a fun time talking about all that girl stuff and i am uncomfortably comfortable with the idea that i am going to become a bow girl in the bedroom. i don't know about that though - i'll have to find a nice boy who could settle down with that.

this year, i don't know what i'll ask for. i love the surprise aspect. i have a list - 600 speed instant polariod film, anyone? get it before it's gone? - but i don't know - i won't ask for the moon at least. i don't think anyone has that nice of a tie to the sky. maybe one year someone will get me a pair of wings and a lasso so we can go get it together. but for now, i could just go for some aviator sunglasses to feel like i'm taking flight.

Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you have more opportunity that I do. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you have it easier than I do. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like you get more praise and have more hugs. Maybe I'm bitter because you have more outer beauty that I do. Maybe I'm bitter because you might have more inner beauty instead, more worthiness for that praise, more reason for the easy path, and more will to gain that opportunity that is offered up to you. Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like he tells you all those things every day. Maybe I'm bitter because I don't have anyone like that. Maybe I'm bitter because whatever I think won't ever change how I feel and whatever I do won't ever change how things are. I'm bitter. You're better.

you haven't yet. i've trying telling myself that you did. but you haven't - not yet, anyways. it's hard for me to stay above the water without any promise of a flotation device. i've never been a very good swimmer but maybe you can come for a few hours and remind me how to again? i tell myself that you're always saving me but i think that that requires you to actually hear me say it..and then you'd actually have to care. that's not fair. you do care - i just have trouble remembering that sometimes because it's easier to pity myself. i'm trying for you, i'm trying to be better. and hopefully, i'll be the best i can be. i don't know. i'm trying..it's hard. but i'm trying. i just wish it wasn't all for you because i'm not sure that you'll ever feel the same way for me. i think i always will though.

Found: 'Euston Road, London' @ Polaroid Of The Day

So, I've been having the conversation for days now with various people about our photography class. It's agreed that for this past week and a half, we're either doing school or doing photo. Because we can't do both. Because we either have to devote all of our time to being in the darkroom or being in the classroom. I've chosen darkness, personally.

See, I was looking through what I've accumulated for the past odd month or so and I'm proud, mostly. But the problem is is that I haven't had time to praise myself on my work but I've somehow made time to critique myself against everyone else's work and concentration and talent. So, I think if I'm spending every moment in the darkroom
kissing my enlarger instead of my books,
[honestly, I'd most like to be kissing boys]
I should at least stand back at the end of today and pat myself on the back.

But I won't. Because I've got to go early for recycling, the only true time Alyssa and I can catch up, which is ridiculous, and then I've got "review" for finals, yeah right, and then I've got more photo. My dad said to me last night that I should be happy that I get to spend that much time on doing something I love. What's that repetitious lyric? 'I don't hate you but I really, really, really don't like you?' Yeah. I'm frustrated. But I guess if it's what I love, right?

I need a pat on the back from someone besides me and my chemically licked hands.

"Spending 9:45-3 is all day in the darkroom"
"Yeah, but how cool would THAT be? All DAY in here?"
"You're right..I always come in here when I'm having a bad day"


I think that's when we turn true..when we come to the darkroom to get out of the light of day.. when we go hide out in there just for some solace.
I love you but I've chosen darkness.

so, i really wasn't expecting that! not that i don't accept that.
i wholeheartedly do..you just got really brave all of a sudden.
that made me really happy..i'll either come in today or friday.
man. wow. that's really exciting? weird how i had that dream
last night, too. huh. i really wasn't expecting that! honestly,
i thought it'd be just to start things .. just basic. but! no!
i'll come in and we'll talk. oh, i'm excited. this is working -
the whole "let's go to the melting pot" .. it was just so
direct! good job, us. wow. really, good job!






how exciting!

"It's you."
"What?"
"When all my dreams come true, the one I want next to me. It's you."
-OTH

If I told you this, I think you'd laugh at me. Ever since that night,
But honestly? Everything has reminded me of you. But I'm imagining you won't.
And that everything reminds That cold night,
ever since I stepped out of that car. You of me - sorry, that's just the way I get to sleep at night
Sorry - that's just the way it happened. I'll always pretend it does. Until one day, it actually does.





Confused? Me too.

Polaroid House

"6/9/2008. Turned an abandoned house into Polaroid installation art. Our challenge to anyone willing to drive for hours, find this house. Add your own polaroids. Fill it up. We want to go back in a year and find every room bursting with your little wasted art attempts. Take a couple if you want, but leave behind even more. Make it grow, make it AMAZING."

The most fucking badass idea I've seen. Ever.
The house is in Lancaster, about an hour away from Los Angeles.
Interested? I am. Want directions? I do.
[Scratch that: You don't want] I NEED directions. I NEED to be there now.
Seriously? How fucking amazing.
This is what the world needs -
art by people who love art
Because seriously? I thought to myself a few hours ago "What am I going to do with myself?" as I scrolled through Facebook pictures of what camp was like this summer. And I got so down about not being there .. maybe ever? [Scratch that: Don't let self think that]
And then, I found this. And fuck, how fucking awesome. I just want to scream. Seriously? Fucking amazing.
Potty mouth.
Don't care -
too excited to contain.
When I find something like this, I can fly.
Man, oh, man. Dude. So fucking badass.
Click: Polaroid House

ah, yeah. how many people that we know
have ever really played spin the bottle?
for real, anyways.
if you think about it, probably not that many -
it's an interesting concept though
if you think about it.. letting a bottle decide who you'll kiss, who you won't.
i'm not sure if i really consider that a game though
but a group of people get together and sit in a circle with the same understanding
of the rules but i'm assuming no one really thinks about the results in the midst of the action
if everyone accepts the game as it is,
that it's spin the bottle and you just kiss whoever it lands on,
i say that people should go to a party next time
and carry the traditional spin the bottle bottle with them
and they should be allowed to point it to whomever
and kiss that person.
because it's a game right? a game that everyone just gets
but really, how often do people play?
it's a scary thought - those game circles.
crazy things happen and it's just okay
because it's a circle, it's a game,
and there are these rules that
who even made up
but everyone will take.