please press repeat

[[My iPod is playing these songs over. and. over. again.
And I'm hoping that in a few hours, I can be healed a little more
because right now, I'm hurting pretty badly.
My arm kills this morning and it hurt last night. I forgot how red it can get and how sharp it can feel.
I need to tell someone these things. I need someone to tell me everything will be alright for more than a night.
I need to sing these songs to someone. I need someone to sing these songs to me.]]


you and me will be lying side by side forever, forever
underneath this adolescent sky
together, together
and you will hold my heart inside your hand
and you'll be the one, the one to tell me
"oh, we've got a long, long way to go
to get there, we'll get there..
but oh, if there's one thing that we know
it's that we will not grow old"
[We Will Not Grow Old: Lenka]

you'll be the one that I’ll love forever more
ill be here holding you high above it all
but don’t let me fall
[Don't Let Me Fall: Lenka]

sittin’ here on this lonely dock
watch the rain play on the ocean top
all the things i feel i need to say
i can’t explain in any other way
i need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you were naturally
the one to make it so easy when you showed me the truth
yeah, yeah i’d rather be with you
say you want the same thing too
[I'd Rather Be With You: Joshua Radin]

oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
i, i, i will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
'til we fall asleep tonight
[Sky: Joshua Radin]

i remember when i saw your face the time and place
my left hand could trace the entire night
you looked like the sun & i was the only one who could stare
until you're done shining on me
and as i drank my wine and let the world fade away
the sunrise tried to end it while we tried to stay
the rest of my life can't compare to this night
[They Bring Me To You: Joshua Radin]


the rest of the list:
[reasons to love you]: meiko
[meet me at my window]: jack's mannequin
[sweet, sweet baby]: michelle featherstone
[either way]: wilco
[sucker]: john mayer
[forevermore]: katie herzig
[vegetable car]: joshua radin
[we laugh indoors]: death cab for cutie
[topsy turvy]: joey hendrickson
[come back to bed]: john mayer
[beautiful friendship]: norah jones
[friend like you]: joshua radin
[living in your letters]: dashboard confessional
[in chicago]: joey hendrickson
[sound for audrey]: backseat goodbye
[only heart]: john mayer
[hot air balloon]: FOREVERINMOTION
[your new name]: the format
[corner of your heart]: ingrid michaelson
[lady luck]: backseat goodbye
[handle with care]: jenny lewis
[indentations]: joey hendrickson

take back the promises you made ..

because i can't take them seriously anymore.
see, someone's word doesn't mean much if they don't keep it up.
and it doesn't work if i have to keep replaying your words in my head myself.
it'd help if i could talk to someone.
but i'm having a hard time
because i'm feeling a little weak.
and i'm letting myself break apart.
and i don't see you trying to stop me.
or anyone else for that matter -
i was thinking last night;
i was trying to figure out what i was feeling.
and i thought it was so much more complicated than this
but it's really not -
i'm just angry.
really, really, really angry.
at everyone and at everything.
i'm just angry at the world.

ill

let's go for week numero dos.
by the way, i don't like this new phase you're going through.
it makes me a little ill on the inside.

dear boy with girlfriend

"when i first met you i knew you were the one
'til you took me home and i met her
she had your boxers on
she was listening to your song
and i thought right then that you had everything
but i knew she was jealous from the start
because i know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends
i know better than that
you play the victim and i'll be the bad guy

...

What she did to us was tragic
and i have to do what's right
what we had was really magic
but i have to get what's mine" 

oh, goodie. 

new york

it had been awhile since i had really thought about b.
but the other night, maybe three or four days ago,
i started thinking about the whole thing again.
it's hard to think of someone who isn't here any more.
i just forget that once i get comfortable with someone or something
it gets taken away and crushed.
we'll see where we end up.
but i'm thinking in separate towns, different lives.
i just want to cross paths again.
because if nothing here can work out,
i'd at least like something out there to
work out.

ps. memories can really put a damper on your day.

scream

"hey, why do you keep screaming at the top of your head?"
messing with my brain when you want to see me fall

there may come a time when i don't bother you at all
it isn't my call

yeah, well, we'll see what happens next.
it doesn't feel fair.
and it doesn't feel good.
but we'll have to see what happens next.
because now it isn't my call at all; its yours.
so, make it. because i'm getting pretty tired
of all of this.
i'm standing right in front of you.

6 AM

let's get another wake-up call.
because right now, i'm going to sleep.
and i'm considering staying there forever.
i just really want to be comfortable again.
and i don't usually write twice in one night.
but it seems that these past couple of hours have only brought
more negative things to my attention
and has resulted in my frustration being raised from like a 3 to a 192.
and my mood dropping from a 8 to a -2963.
goodie.

maybe like last time.

so i'm kind of hoping
that like last time i was posting
when you called -
that you'll call again tonight.

...


but you don't have any reason at all to.
because you've got so much going on.
and i'm pretty sure that only about 1% of it has to do with me.
i just was driving home this evening though
and i was thinking how great it would be to hear your voice again?
and that, in fact
you'd want to
hear mine.

...


i'm going to wait obviously
but i just wish that i was a little higher of a priority of yours.
or that i could see you more.
or something.
but for now
i'll wish for something more realistic
winter.
cold.
snow.
wind.
because i think that that will come first.
and i really want to bundle up

...


and sit by the fire
and drink hot chocolate
and wrap myself up in blankets.
and wait for you for another night.

somewhere

i need to be somewhere right. now.
where there's snow, rain, wind in the weather report
where there's white walls in an empty apartment
where there's coffee cups in the sink
where there's music playing on the stereo.
where there's me, alone, away from all of you.
i need to be somewhere right. now.
i need to be somewhere else right now.
somewhere else.

ps.

time has gotten away from me -
this weekend was extremely weird for me?
it was like while i was out, i had no sense of the day.
i knew what time it was - i was well aware how much time was left in the programs and everything
but the actual day never actually crossed my mind.
i was thinking in one of the later services
what it would be like to lead a life like this all the time
everyone was always saying that none of these kids have actual school friends
just friends from these events.
which is good except
last time i checked, you have to go to school.
which is another constant nagging -
school.
what i'm craving right now
is a cold, cold day in fall
where i'm laying on cold grass,
wrapped up in layers of clothing
with my iPod just laying there.
that would be so relaxing;
so soothing.
i was thinking the other day about ben's internship
and i was thinking about northwestern's campus
and how you have to go through the steps to get there
but there has to be some that i can skip
to get to that kind of internship
that kind of walk around campus
that kind of fall day where i can do that
and not have a single
solitary
fear
in
or
of
my
life ..

..

just so you know,
this is extremely frustrating to me.
i know it's not your fault.
but it's not mine either -
i'm looking for you to come and help me and pull me out of this mess.
and maybe that's too much to ask for on any given night.
you've got your life to lead and i've got mine.
but i'm so tired of saying that.
i just want to talk to you -
i'm having a rough time
and last time you asked me to talk to you.
so that's what i'm doing.
or trying to do.
i'm going to be cynical just because i really hate this situation.
i'm not angry at you at all
i'm just frustrated that i don't have more control over what's going on.
so just let me hear your voice again, alright?
soon?
it got me through the day today knowing we'd talk.
and it's not too late - it's not.
but it will be soon
and then i'll be sad
and frustrated still.
i just want to know where your head's at
so we're not playing these games anymore.
i feel like i've been writing the same thing for the past few weeks.
but i guess that's because my feelings haven't changed.
what i do know now, more recently developed this is,
is that i want to run away for awhile.
and i want to just be on my own and feel new things, see new things.
get some inspiration and some motivation.
because i'm having a rough time
and i can't talk to you.
and i don't really have anyone here
and i know you think you don't have anyone there.
so come to me then.
let's just run away together and let's follow our dreams together for awhile
without all this stuff that gets in the way every time i try to make this work.
i'm trying to be patient with you, with everyone else, with myself, with my life.
but it's just really frustrating.
and tonight is hard.
and i need you.
because i'm having a rough time.
and i'm frustrated
and lonely
and sad
and cold
..

long distance

i don't know about this -
i really just really want to run away ..
last night was good, those nights with you are good.
but the problem is is that i have to hang up eventually
and then you go on with whatever you're doing
and i have to do my own thing.
i'm strong? only when you tell me that, though.
when i called on tuesday - i was weak.
i couldn't even get that word out.
and i feel like now, it's good, but it's so hard to keep it good.
i just want to be down there.
and i want to have a change of pace.
that's why i'm toying with the idea of no school?
for right now at least
i don't have to tell anyone that i'm scared
because i have two years to get over that.
but when i was younger, i would have these stories i would make up
and i would just live inside these bubbles
and not face the world
but the thing is, the world wasn't so hard then.
now it's like the world is trying to kick me down
and then kick me again when i'm down.
talking to you helps - i know that you
and i talked that one time
and you said it wasn't you that was helping me
but i don't believe that - it is you whether you want it to be or not.
so for right now, let me hold onto the idea that i don't have to go to college
and instead i can run away.
i was daydreaming yesterday in class
and i got this really warm feeling inside my heart
and i tried for a really long time to try and figure out where that was coming from
and i figured it out -
it was from last summer when i was getting off from the flight from california to chicago
the sun was so bright that day - pouring through the windows like nobody's business
and talking those steps down the big walkway was so satisfying.
why, i have no idea..
but i do know that i want that feeling back.
i haven't thought about that plane guy for awhile.
i think the combination of sleeping like that, heads on each other's,
with the fact that i was free, on vacation, and that i wasn't HERE,
all added up to make that feeling
that security, safety, satisfaction.
so i want that feeling back.
i think i can get it too -
i just have to go.
go away for awhile.
and see what happens.
that's why i want to be on my own so badly.
you said last night you didn't mind being alone
being alone with your music.
but don't you see? your music isn't just a couple of chords on a guitar anymore
it's filled with dreams and possibilities and unhappiness and lies and old girlfriends and new crushes and friends and memories.
that's the thing.
your music has all those memories every time you play them.
so you don't just have your music
your living with yourself and all your memories.
and i do want the best for you, obviously.
but for now you do have those to keep you warm at night.
i've got that feeling of running away keeping me warm.

wind storm

i know you can do it -
i was patient before and it paid off.
so let's repeat it.















and this wind storm is reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllly making me want to write. really, really, really, really badly.

dr.

so we're leaving for the doctor's soon.
i don't know what they'll say
but i have an idea of what it might be.
the weather today seems doctor office appropiate.
i'll keep you.
posted.

college

i don't know what got me thinking about this last night.
but i don't know what to do about college[s]
i feel like i don't want to go -
i've had this image in my head of a big empty apartment with a big window by the bed and
me looking down onto the busy street at everything and just writing my days away.
but no one is ever with me in that dream.
everyone has someone these days and i think for awhile now i've just told myself
that'll be my life.
so right now - and i have so much time left -
i don't want to go to college.
i know realistically it's not smart not to go,
you can't really do anything without a degree
and i'd regret it, i know.
but i think right now all i have is school
and i just want a change -
i want to be on my own
and i want to grow up.
i want my life to start -
i feel like right now i'm just kind of putting the pieces together
but i haven't stepped far enough back
to see what i'm making.

grow up and grow old for one more day

i forgot how tired i can get
because for awhile tonight, i was doing alright.
but now that i've been home for a little while
and i've been in the den, alone, watching tv and writing in my journal -
just like i wanted to -
i realized how lonely this life is going to be
and i let that slip my mind for a minute
i forgot how tired i can get.


and the worse thing is, i feel like i want to stay up
and stay up for you.
there's no reason to do that though.
and my eyes are watering and red
and i forgot how tired i can get.
i'm looking forward to "sleeping in" tomorrow
i forgot how nice that is.
i'm going to have a great day tomorrow -
we won't talk; i know that.
so when we do, we do.
and i won't be tired anymore
because i am throwing in the towel
and going to bed.


i'll just grow up and grow old for one more day alone

we'll see?

well, that was interesting.
so i'm not quite sure what to think -
but i do know that i'm not that happy if what's going on is going on.
i won't break. we'll see if he figures this out.
or if he doesn't say anything.
i feel like he won't.
there was no personal touch to that.
that just makes me kind of sad.
that there wasn't anything more.
maybe he doesn't want to.
maybe he can't.
maybe he just isn't noticing.
either way -
i'd like things to go back to the way they were.
i feel like i've been saying that a lot
and that i should get a new phrase.
but it's just so true -
i almost feel like every time i try and propel forward?
something stronger pushes me back.
like each effort i make,
is either disregarded or misinterpreted.
all i know is that i want things back the way they were.
because i know they weren't always like this -
my always waiting, my always being alone.
but now i don't think that the change that happened
is a change in the right direction.
i mean, i know it's not a change in the right direction.
that's what's frustrating.
i'm making an effort
and i'm trying to have things work.
but it really isn't turning out that way -
which is very frustrating to me.
i don't know if things changed because of what happened a few weeks ago.
or because of what happened a few days ago.
but things changed somewhere along the lines
and now i feel like the only thing i can do or really want to do because things are working out
[and if that seems selfish - that i don't want to try because they aren't working out - then too bad, it's just the way i feel about this whole complicated mess of things]
is to keep my distance.
and have him
come to me.

so we'll see.

so this

is a new week.
i'm going to try and separate it from last week.
i just have to stay positive.
there isn't anything that should be going against me today.
it's just that i'd rather stay in bed all day,
let the world go by and i'll just stay under my covers.
guess not.

ouch

before this, i don't think i've ever felt my heart hurt.
i've felt it skip a few beats, get tired and drained, and speed up really fast.
but i've never actually felt my heart. hurt. before.
i saw that
and it was like my whole left side of my body went numb.
this is such a weird feeling -
it's like i saw that
and it's like someone has taken their fist and is just punching my heart over and over again.
and then it's like they took it.
and now all this air and gunk is getting this empty hole.
ouch.
i've never felt that before.
but i now i know what people know when they say their hearts hurt.
or at least, i know what i can say now when i say my heart hurts.
i've never felt that before but
somehow i'm thinking it's not something i'm going to want to feel again.
my mind is racing - maybe its not real, maybe it wont last.
but something tells me
that this rough time i'm having
just got a whole hell of a lot rougher knowing that.
fuck.
ouch.

the blinds

finally the weather is starting to match my mood -
but i'm not sure if that's a good thing consider both are getting colder.
last night i went to bed and i was just so comfortable - i had nothing on my mind.
finally. for once.
but you always have to wake up, i guess.
but at least the blinds are still open when i'm awake now.
i'm going out and then i'm going back but
at least i'm going out.
i'll get there - it's just taking me more time than i suspected it would take.
but maybe i'm getting there - i don't think they'd go and get worse on me ..
so the blinds are open today all the way
we'll see how long they stay like that
but for today,
the blinds are open

c'mon ..

take me away from this place already.
it's not hard - all you have to do is talk this through with me.
i want to be here, i do.
there's no doubt there's time for great things here.
but i can't keep going on like this.
so just take me away for a few nights. can't you do that?
can't you just lift me up on your wings for awhile?
i'm tired of trying to fly on my own - i'm broken.
you know it, i know it.
so why can't you just take me away?
i just need to be jolted up again.
give me a little motivation, a little inspiration.
just a little - let's do like a 70/30 kind of an arrangement.
i just want that little bit.
so talk me through this life, these days.
because right now i can't say that i'm sure i can do it alone.
in fact i know i can't do it alone because it's 2:50 in the morning.
and i can't sleep.
i'm exhausted.
i am.
i really, really, really am just so tired.
but i can't close my eyes - i have too many thoughts running around in my head all the time.
so let's make a deal, alright? if you promise that if i go to sleep, i'll talk to you tomorrow -
and that you'll take me away for awhile?
that isn't hard. i'm light and i won't bother you.
so c'mon ..
just for a little while, alright?
just for a few days and a few nights.
take me away - show
me your world, your happiness, your smiles.
let me suck on those for awhile until my nourishment is filled again.
because right now it's like i'm running on empty
and i know i'm running on empty
and i just keep on running
because i can't face what's out there for me to answer
so just take me away,
just call and just come
and just take me away on your shoulders
show me what it's like to be walking around without your feet and your nose in the same spot on the ground - show me what's it's like to feel the wind in your hair and the rain on your face.
because right now all i'm getting .. is nothing.
so c'mon.
just do it.
just come.
and just take me away.
i really just want to leave for a little while.
you can do that, right?
just promise me that.
i'll go to sleep if you do.
i'll try on my own a little longer if you do.
i'll be alright if you do.
just take me away and let me see things differently, freshly.
just show me all the things that you work for, that you live for, that you are for.
just take me away.
c'mon ...
you can do it.
... c'mon.

i'm not sure

where it is we stand these days.
i can't get into your head.
but get out of mine,
because it's getting awfully crowed up there these days
ever since you left
i can't seem to get you back home.
i used to be alright
i used to be fine
but now,
i don't know where it is we stand today
because i thought we were better now
and i thought that we were working on this
but i guess it's not your top priority
so i'm going to leave it up to you.
i didn't leave it last time
or the time before that
or the time before that.
but not now.
i'm not getting involved this time.
you come get me.
now, don't doubt that i don't need you.
because i'm still pretty broken,
i'm still breaking.
so i'm giving you the chance to come
and get me
and take me away
and let me know where we're at
and what's in your head
besides the not thinking of me.