we'll see?

well, that was interesting.
so i'm not quite sure what to think -
but i do know that i'm not that happy if what's going on is going on.
i won't break. we'll see if he figures this out.
or if he doesn't say anything.
i feel like he won't.
there was no personal touch to that.
that just makes me kind of sad.
that there wasn't anything more.
maybe he doesn't want to.
maybe he can't.
maybe he just isn't noticing.
either way -
i'd like things to go back to the way they were.
i feel like i've been saying that a lot
and that i should get a new phrase.
but it's just so true -
i almost feel like every time i try and propel forward?
something stronger pushes me back.
like each effort i make,
is either disregarded or misinterpreted.
all i know is that i want things back the way they were.
because i know they weren't always like this -
my always waiting, my always being alone.
but now i don't think that the change that happened
is a change in the right direction.
i mean, i know it's not a change in the right direction.
that's what's frustrating.
i'm making an effort
and i'm trying to have things work.
but it really isn't turning out that way -
which is very frustrating to me.
i don't know if things changed because of what happened a few weeks ago.
or because of what happened a few days ago.
but things changed somewhere along the lines
and now i feel like the only thing i can do or really want to do because things are working out
[and if that seems selfish - that i don't want to try because they aren't working out - then too bad, it's just the way i feel about this whole complicated mess of things]
is to keep my distance.
and have him
come to me.

so we'll see.