here we go

i can only wake up on a monday morning so many times more
without the promise of better things
i can only read of adventures so many times more
without the knowledge of better days

i wish someone would tell me that -
that my heart is too big for this town

today, i spent two hours by myself,
taking pictures.
i turned in the roll
and looked at it 18 minutes later
and all 24 shots turned out; they're stuck in a tiny canister now.
that little grey container holds one afternoon of my time spent
and i realized that i'm getting better,
i'm getting more creative,
i'm getting more artistic.
and i don't think that i've ever shot an entire roll
of just myself.
i was too scared before, too self conscious.
i always wanted you to take the pictures of me
so i could image that you saw me as beautiful enough to take a picture of.
and i still want you to - i always will want you to see me as beautiful.
i'll always see you that way -
i think i was encouraged to do self portrait shots like this for the wrong reasons
that i was motivated because i wanted you to see me as beautiful even if you were gone and even if you were looking at other beautiful ideas.
but that doesn't mean that what i've gotten out of it isn't good
and for more right reasons than i could imagine -
it makes me feel really good to hold onto these negatives
and just have them all to myself for a little while. i love that feeling -
that butterfly feeling that i get when i look at something really, really good.
i can't wait to get back into the darkroom
and start printing these.
i've been discouraged lately with the scholastics disaster as i like to pity myself with -
but i'm trying really hard to make something of myself
especially these days when it seems that the world has been moving at a pace too fast
for me even to catch up, let alone hang on and i didn't think it'd be possible for me to
hold on if i did manage to hang on. but i'm really trying - to not get discouraged, to not get frustrated. to keep myself on the world's side at least rather than the bottom
and soon maybe i'll be on top of the world -
we'll see if you come around,
if i get on a plane anytime,
or if there's a promise for more than just a better tomorrow.
i don't know - there's a lot that i'm doing to keep my hands holding onto the world
to pick myself up, to pull myself around and put myself back on top - we'll see.
but for tonight, i'll just look at the negatives again.
i'll just look at those pictures and think of everything i've done, everything i still can do
i'm still struggling, i'm still lost. but i've got to hope that if i can do something entirely on my own for one afternoon
and not think if i look right or what someone would say or how it comes across -
then i've got to be getting somewhere.
that maybe the next step isn't going to be waiting for someone to check on me, for someone to call me and ask me how i am every afternoon. because that realistically won't happen - right now, i don't think anyone cares that much.
so i need to realize that i need to take it into my own hands and hand things over to someone else for a conversation.
tell someone that i'm lonely and sad and hurting
but that i'm talking,
that i'm answering questions
and that i'm putting myself in a conversation that i've been waiting for someone to start with me
that i'll start with someone instead. be willing to talk, not just willing to "let" people show how much they care for me
and allowing myself to be upset when they don't. i'm talking, answering, asking. it's important -
remind myself
that the world doesn't have to move too fast
to knock me over and under
as long as i'm willing to run for what i want to become

i'm not letting anyone do anything for me - which is exactly why i'm still cutting and why i'm still in pain. because it's that simple - i think i'm letting people in and i think that i'm letting people do things for me but i'm not. i'm letting myself think that i am. i'm not telling anyone anything, really. i act as if anything anyone does to me that bothers me is their fault - that they should call more or they should ask more or they should hug more. bullshit! i'm not letting anyone do anything and i just pretend that i am. i pretend so i can cut, i pretend so that when they cast their eyes everywhere else or they don't look at all or
when they don't ask at all,
that i'm not doing anything wrong - that i'm just simply continuing because no one is checking.

i had written up a long few paragraphs about how i couldn't find this image and that i remembered i wouldn't let myself save it because it would be inevitable that you would spend it with her. and i thought that if i didn't post it or save it or print it, that i was somehow granting myself satisfaction - that i was somehow allowing you that privelage of being with her. and i thought that somehow then the fact of you with her wouldn't bother me any longer. and after i canceled the document that housed this image, i was satisfied. i did in fact, feel as if i was okay with the two of you and your happiness with one another. and i forgot about it. until tonight and then i remembered that you don't know any of this - that my quiet satisfaction isn't really worth anything because the irritation and the anger and the ridiculousness that comes moments after my allowing myself to LET you be with her, is so much worse. and that's because i realize that i'm not letting you do anything. letting you do something is letting you wipe up a spill for me or letting you offer me a bite of your food. i'm not LETTING you date her at all - that's completely nuts. and i shouldn't be frustrated that you're happy with her. but that's the whole thing - i'm going to think selfishly for awhile and selfishly feel that i deserve you more. i talked to my therapist about it and i lied - i told her i didn't care that i felt forgotten about. but that's selfish. one, to think that i'm forgotten about because i'm not - you're just busy. and two, to think that i'm somehow getting away with something just because i don't let her in on my feelings. again, letting. you spent christmas with her and i tried to let myself think that i wouldn't care and that i was being the bigger person by telling myself i wouldn't look at this image and wish you were here with me instead of calling on the eve of christmas eve. i'm really a small person these days. see? i showed you all the image. i'm letting you see what i'm talking about. doesn't do a thing does it?

I'll find it. Maybe with you, maybe you'll be there with someone else.
Or maybe you'll come later by yourself. Maybe you won't come at all.
That's the reality of it - you aren't here with me now
But I still have to remember that I'll find somewhere
beautiful to get lost in.
With or without you.

I want my license -
I'm going to schedule my last two in cars this week
and then, before my birthday, i'll get my license.
And then I'll be able to find somewhere beautiful.
I know I can - I know that I will.
I'll bring a map, point, and drive.
I hope that someday, we'll do it together.
That we'll get lost again and it'll be beautiful.
Someday I'm sure that we will -
but for now, I'll get my license and start looking on my own.

yeah, so. i don't even know you - not really at least.
and i don't like you. you just seem mean. a little stuck up. and too talented. i'm struggling with photography
and i wanted to get into Scholastics very badly. i think that i wanted it for myself first but second, i wanted it to show you that i'm good. that i'm still here and that i need would like some praise for the good work that i do. because right now, i'm back to being uninspired and irritated. i've been avoiding looking at your work for awhile now but i did because i wanted to know what he's doing with you - it's my only way in. and it's only a sixteenth of a way in too. he was supposed to call and he didn't. i haven't heard from in since last sunday. it's been one week and he's been on break. so there should be some time for me. but i'm pretty sure that he's just busy. and he's busy with you. you seem mean. i don't know anything about you. and i know i shouldn't assume that your mean. but you can't get kicks on other people's feelings. broken feelings, nonetheless. it's ridiculous how many times i've seen you do this since you've gotten in on the inside track with him. i want to meet you and i want to see what you have to say for yourself. because right now, it sounds like you pretty much are just a mean, petty girl. and i want to talk to him but i'm waiting. because i'd drive down there any time just to see him. but your there now and the priorities are so different, it's not even funny. i don't know. i want to ask him about you. but it's clearly not my place. i just have to know that i fit somewhere though. because it's like i'm willing to cut myself open, put myself out there, and let you fiddle around with whatever piece you'd like first and then discard it along the highway back home. i don't know. i just wish he'd call. tell me what was going on, why he hasn't talked to me. i'm tired of trying to decide why these things are happening but all i know is that they are. and i don't like it and it doesn't matter.

it's getting really cold here.
it's starting to feel like Christmas ..
and below zero!

"These City Lights"
i picked out a book yesterday, 'Chicago At Night'
for one of my Christmas presents
it was on sale.
and it was beautiful.
i really want to travel so i can photograph places at night
especially Chicago.
i think places are just more beautiful in the night
or in the very early morning light
when there's a cross between the day before and the next
and there's so much unknown
and everything fades into the distance
i want to take photographs of beautiful things like that
like the unknowns
like the promises
like the love
that you can feel from seeing a place, seeing a light,
seeing a city.
but i have to wait it out - wait out here only a few states away
before i can go when i'm older, right? i can go when i'm brave?
i have such a grand idea of what beauty is
and how easily i could get if only i were able to get there
and i think that as long as i tell myself that i can't get there,
that it's not the right time or not enough money or it's too crazy,
then i don't have to deal with the fact
that i can't accept beauty here
and that i can't accept other people being able to find theirs
in their girlfriends or their music or their grades or their cars or their work
because i'm willing to just say that beauty is out of my reach
and then that way, i don't have to tell myself that i'm scared that i won't find beauty
or that i'm scared that i'll never be happy where i am
but i am
but i won't let myself think that
not for now at least
because i bought a book yesterday, 'Chicago At Night'
so that i can look at it on Christmas morning
and not think of the beauty that everyone else has on that same morning
and just let myself believe that my beauty is only a few states away
or a few perfect pictures away or a few people away
and then, i don't have to tell myself that i don't think i'll let myself have beauty
yesterday, there was the possibility of going to Columbus
there was the possibility of seeing you, of talking to you,
of hearing you play your songs.
i got so excited when i saw it - i thought that everything going on with my family
would be swept away if i were able to go
my dad said no at first and i was angry
then, it turned into maybe
and then it turned into probably, yes
and then - no.
he said that if these things weren't going on with the family,
if the adults didn't need to meet to talk about what to do for my grandma
then he would have taken me
everyone else got angry when he offered up different solutions to when they could all talk
that was a horrible "lunch"
i forgot what it was like to be hurt and then have a good cry about it
i was so looking forward to it
and i know it was selfish of me
but i figured that i was just a kid
but i'm not - i have to grow up sometime
i just wanted to see you again
you said we would talk on friday and we didn't
i called on saturday when i thought there was a possibility of seeing you
you didn't call back
and this morning, i figured you'd have left a message or emailed me or something
you didn't do either
i don't know what's going on is why i'm disappointed
it doesn't seem fair to me that i could have been there
i figured out how i wanted to photograph your studio
how i wanted to get new footage of you playing
and i guess around 2:30, the answer was a definite no
my dad asked me on the ride home from "lunch" if he should just give in,
let the other adults have what they wanted and meet after dinner
i said yes but it hurt - giving up wasn't what i'm used to doing
when it comes to seeing you play - i usually beg, borrow, and steal
and my dad knows how much i love it
and he lived on N High when he was younger and teaching there
would have been a good trip down memory lane
he asked me this morning if i had heard anything about it
i guess i'm avoiding it until i talk to you directly
i don't know how long that'll be
hopefully soon
we're headed out for another lunch and it won't be "lunch" like yesterday
but i would have much prefeered to be rolling out of bed at this time
and still reeling in the glow of the night before
rather, i just woke up.
and thought about beauty and thought about how i let it get to me as far as arm's lenght
and how i don't make enough sacrifice and how i make too much
and how i'm still a kid but i have to be mature
and how much i really wanted to see you.
we haven't talked and i don't know when we will
but i really hope
or rather, need
you to be playing again while i'm still on break
it'll crush me if you aren't
because driving in that car on the highway
makes me feel like everything is going to be alright for a night -
i see something beautiful in your music - i do.
but it hurts that i can't see that on a daily basis.
i think that it all goes back to the same thing -
that i don't let myself see the beauty closest to me
because i'd rather get in a car to Columbus than sit with my family at lunch
because i'd rather get on a plane and fly to Chicago than sit with my family at dinner
i don't know - i just wish i could have seen you play last night
it was great, i'm sure. but i'd love to know
that you're playing again .. tomorrow or .. two days from now
or that you'll call and listen to me
because i miss you - i miss seeing you play, hearing your jokes and your nervous laughter
you're great - you are. and i wish i could have seen you in that greatness last night.

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

— Douglas Coupland, Life After God

crane installation by erin [deviant art]

this is too beautiful to look at for more than a few minutes at a time. and when something is that beautiful, it makes me feel sad. because i'm always looking for moments like this and right now i'm printing skeletons on typewriters. i don't like mood swings. and i don't like disappointments. and i don't like wanting something so much, that when i don't get it, and i know it's not realistic to think that i could get it, it hurts so much more than i thought it would.

i'm still holding onto the polaroid camera from class last year
maybe i'll get polaroid film for chrismas.
because i want to take beautiful images like this
this year.
or more for my birthday?
which i'm so. stoked for.
17, baby.
i feel good things coming on...
polaroids make me feel like the world fits in that little picture frame
and you can slip it into your back pocket
and just hold onto that moment forever.
i've got the one of ben and i on my bulletin board
and everytime i look at it, i get that same warm feeling
that excited, thrilled, cozy feeling
that i got that day when he was here
i could have taken a digital picture
i could have not taken our picture
but i wanted to
and i wanted it on polariod
because that was the mood of that day -
that i wanted to be able to get into the car
in how many ever years
and just drive,
with a polaroid like that in my back pocket
and go somewhere great.
and take that picture.
and then another and then another.
polariods are so romantic.
i think photography in general is romantic
but no body's got anything on polariods.
they just ooze the promise of forever
and the promise of forever
is romantic.
i want a boy again who will take polariods
with me
travel with me and stop by the side of the road
with me
and let me take pictures
of him, of me, of us,
of the world
and then let me slip them into my pocket
and let that romance overwhelm me
during the ride home.
i'm such, SUCH a sucker for romance
daily i'm thinking of the most romantic gestures someone could do for me
and i still always settle
on someone reaching down when we're walking and holding my hand.
holding hands and taking polariods.
maybe i'll ask for that for christmas.
but for now, i'll just get the film.
until someone wants to hold my hand
and i hope it's soon -
it's no fun holding your own hand.

i think that someone should bottle this up, this wintry mix, and when people are craving
some ice chips and some snow flakes
with a little light freezing rain and some high mph winds,
they can go to their convience store and buy up a box or two.
yum. winter.

one more day until break. that's what i'm talking about.
hellllll yeahhhhh.
i am so excited - oh man.
so. fucking. excited.

Have You Ever Seen The Rain?
-BramBura33 [Deviant Art]

This is beautiful. Our weather right now is 32 degrees but it's supposed to feel like 19. Last night, it snowed and collected on the ground for a few hours. It was supposed [what an ugly word if you say it over and over again..] to get bad to drive and there was going to be a storm - there wasn't. I don't really want the snow. I want the rain. When there is a dark sky and rain whipping against the windows at school, some people get worried or irritated. I always get distracted - it's just really beautiful to me. It makes me feel safe. I hope it rains a lot over break. So I can find someone to run in it with. I still want to do that and I feel like the person that I have to do that with is a boy. I know if I were stuck out in the rain with one of my girl friends, we'd run. But I just feel like running in the rain is something you should do laughing and it's something you should do with a boy who will kiss you when you break through the front door and hold your hand to dry it off. I've seen the rain but I haven't seen it like I want to yet. Maybe if you came back we could do it together. I'm not even going to weigh the chances. They aren't in my favour. But I'd like to think that if [you said 'if' and then you said 'not if, when i come back' which made me very happy. I hate what happened last time; I still do, I still think about it all. the. time. I still worry that you won't want to take any chances with me and for me, you're the only one I want to take chances with ] you come back to me, I could think of it a little more realistically. The day is coming up relatively soon and I want you back here more than anything. Maybe I'll ask you next time I see you. Maybe I'll tell you about the rain. Maybe I'll tell you everything. I want to. I just don't want to break us again. We didn't really break last time - that's not fair. We kind of fell apart and I feel like we're over the phase of overworking but we're still working at it. I'm not going to bring that up - it's sensitive, I know. But maybe if you'd ask, I'd tell you about the rain. About how much I'd like to see it with you. I feel like your the only one who can make it stop so why can't we see it together? That way I'd really want it since you could stop it if it got too heavy. I might tell you if you'd ask -

"I'd like to see the rain with you sometime" I'd say
and you'd say "And I'd like to see it with you."
And we'd both know what we meant. And then we'd would smile.

Please?

"still is the life of your room when you're not inside and all of your things tell the sweetest story line - your tears on these sheets and your footsteps down the hall. so tell me what i did because i can't find where the moment went wrong at all.. you can be mad in the morning, i'll take back what i said but just don't leave me alone here. it's cold baby, come back to bed.."

John Mayer is a god. I wish someone would sing this to me. And be upstairs when I went back to bed. I don't like being alone but I've gotten used to it. I'm trying to do new things. Yesterday I told myself that I was going to do 4 new things by Friday. I plan on doing one today. And I have to tell you, the millions that I'm sure read this every day, it's exciting to think that something new is going to happen. It's almost a reason to get up in itself. So, I'll tell you all this Friday what 4 new things I did. I'm sure you all are dying to know ..

twenty minutes have gone by and i've been writing a really long list of reasons why i love this picture, why it makes me feel like the world is beautiful, and why i want to run away. and i realized about a minute ago that none of those words matter because those words are only. words. they don't mean anything to anyone and i want to do something that someone notices and means something to them. i want someone to see something of mine and feel alive, feel happy. and i want someone to see something in me which makes them alive and happy. everyone is doing such great things with their time and everyone is doing such great things with each other. it's the same story over and over again of how i feel invisible but i don't anymore. i don't feel invisible - i just feel like what's left of who i thought i wanted to me is flickering with each new day's sunlight. i get energy from the car headlights on the highway. i get energy from the flutter of my shutter. i get energy from your voice and your laugh and you. i get energy from the things that i'm losing hold of and i can't get myself through 100%. i see photos like this and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" and i see couples in the hallways and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" and i read of the adventures that you all go on and i think to myself "why can't i do that?" i don't know. i'm just tired and i just want to tell you everything that i want and everything that i need and just everything. but you can't even call me when we're supposed to talk. and then you won't bring it up because .. i don't know why not. i don't know if you don't notice or if you don't care or both or if you think you can't ask or if you think i'd tell you if i wanted and you don't want to bother me. it's the same thing that this comes back to - i want to tell you everything everyday all the time and i want to tell them to you as i hold your hand. it just hurts to see everyone going off and doing great things. i don't feel all that great. i feel like i need to be great and i want to be great so damn bad that i'm just meeting half way of my expectations. i want to take pictures like this. i want to make someone feel as alive as this makes me feel but i don't know if i can make that big of a gesture with something these days. i don't know if i can make anyone feel alive because i want to have someone see me so much that i just fade back and hope they'll find me. we'll talk this friday. it's always about you - as much as i'm cold to you and as much as i'd like to think to myself that you don't really care and that i can be self loathing - i don't know what you think. and i don't know if i should tell you anything or if you ask, what should i tell you then? because the truth could kill your buzz from anything - it's already getting at me.

one week.
that's it - five days. and then i'm free for awhile.
i just gotta make it through. i can do that.
one week starts now.
and i can do it.

i need you to believe in me back.
because i have so much belief that you are going to be so great
and i know that i can be great too.
but i just need you to be there for me -
i just want you to believe in me
because it matters a lot to me
that you do
and i think that you do believe in me
but i just need a reminder every once in awhile
because i get scared that no one sees it anymore
and it's harder for me to believe in myself
if i don't know that you believe in me
i want to have a deep conversation with you again.
i know that we're good together
we're smarter, we're higher,
whatever
i'm not anything if i don't have people believing in me
so,
let's talk again.
and let's let you tell me that i am going to be great
and i'll tell you that you are going to be great
and we'll laugh
and we'll smile
and we'll feel good.
and i'll feel good.
because i believe in you.
believe in me.

i don't know - i'm trying to keep myself outside.
i'm trying to keep myself photographing.
i'm trying to keep myself loving life.
but i think right now, all i have the energy for is liking today.
and that's carpe diem esque, right? it's not as far as going out and just going nuts for a day.
and just loving and laughing and living.
but i'm liking today.
despite all the shit that could be worrying me, that could be bringing me down.
i'm just letting the sunshine bathe me today
and the music pour into my ears.
and i'm going out.
and i'm going to photograph life.
i'm going to get things that make me happy
to photograph them, to capture them,
to get it on film for me to remember in a few years.
that i was just outside.
and i was just with the sun and with a friend.
it's not as easy to walk out that door
and it doesn't solve everything,
i'll always be there for you and i'll always be waiting for you.
but today, i can't sit and wait.
today, i'll walk around and that won't mean that i'm waiting so much anymore.
and that won't solve everything -
it doesnt and i know that it doesn't.
but i have to take the first step.
i have to just go up and get out.
there's a front door upstairs.
that you walked into one time before.
and i haven't been able to want to walk out without you being on the other side,
your bag in hand and your guitar next to you
the sun was bright that today.
but it's bright today too.
you won't be on the other side.
and you most likely won't be on the other line
i have to decide what to do and i've decided that
i'm walking out.
i'm walking out that door
and i'm living life with like today.

This is also from the Holga [Art and Life] Blog
This is what I'm talking about.
I'm really excited for this weekend so I can go and get my stuff
and then shoot. And I don't have to deal with people for it either.
That'll just make it less tiring because I'll be able to move around and manipulate the blender
and all the objects like I want because honestly you can't MAKE someone do what you want
Not unless you've got a check with their name on it and their name is Model #43
Well, that was mean to models. Models are individuals too.
Beautiful ones that we don't have access to no matter how many times we say we should
I can't wait, I can NOT wait., until I get older
And I can go out and put a model up in a skyscraper or in the middle of a busy road
And just get them to pose so I can have beautiful images
And I can not wait. To travel.
Go somewhere great
and take pictures.
Oh, it's going to be so fun.

I found this on the Holga [Art and Life] Blog : http://holga.tumblr.com/
Granted, this doesn't capture the 'beauty' of using a Holga.
But it's so damn cute
I love my journal
I really do.
I wish it looked like this :]

i'm wearing my "superwoman" boots today
i feel like shit. i just want to feel better.
so, thus the boots.
we'll see if i can save anyone.
maybe i'll find myself along the way.
that's a lot to expect out of boots.
but i don't care. they have buckles.
keep me grounded when i try and get out of here

romance.

three things about romance from these past two days:
1. "Shayna, I'm a sucker for this romance stuff. Even if it's from someone weird" Alyssa
2. "What days are you free? We're having a valentines day dance at temple" Allison
3. " I got your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back.
It's true romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then in the head." Giles iPod

my reactions:
1. Yeah. Me too. I'm always going to be willing to tell someone I'll run away with them. I'm always going to want to kiss someone in the rain. I'm always going to think that songs about girls and how much you love them are about me and how much you love me. I'm always going to daydream about huge gigantic gestures in the hallways during school so everyone knows that I have a boyfriend and he loves me enough to do crazy things for me.
2. I'm free all of those days. Know why? I don't make plans. Not this far in advance at least. I don't like Valentine's Day. I want to. I know that I love it. But I don't let myself like it because I'm alone.
3. That's what I'm talking about. Despite this being my head-banger mood at the moment, I think that I will always love the idea of love letters and secretly be writing you them in my head so that when you want to, I'll buy stationary and write them all down, send them to your house, and have you smile. I think letters are so romantic and I don't think people send each other those anymore. Not as much as I think they should at least. But I'll always be ready to write someone a love letter and I think I'm always ready for no one to ask me to.

It's the winter now. It's cold and it's snowing. I've got John Mayer now singing about being together with a girl through all the holidays because no one wants to be alone at Christmas time. And I don't think anyone is either. I'm bitter. True. But I'm also hopelessly romantic. And I still think that if I left my shade up at night, a boy would come and throw rocks at my window. Or if I was walking home from school, he would come and pick me up and take me away. Or if I were sitting by myself somewhere, he'd swing in to sit next to me and hold my hand no matter what we were doing, what was going on, or who was around.

But then again, I keep myself warm at night with a blanket and not by the thoughts of you coming through for me on the whole let's show her how much we love her side.

"i don't know what to do. next,
i'll have to go into your house,
rip the iPod earphones from you,
and put a gun to your head"

i love it when we get positive feedback in photo. yeah right.
i've had a headache for the past two weeks.
it's finally friday.
i'm trying really hard not to kick people today; i'm grumpy.
my email exploded and there wasn't anything i wanted to look at
so i decided to boycott it and not look at it until tonight.
that makes me feel powerful somehow, to not check it.

i'm just trying really hard and the thing is, i know i could be trying even harder.
but it's hard to do that because everything IS so hard. bleh.
i'm turning in some work tonight. we'll see

that was cute.
i think that this will just take a little back and forth
which is completely fine
maybe a lesson or two on punctuation, huh? :P
i don't feel nervous around you, i feel comfortable.
maybe it's the deli counter..i don't know.
but you don't make me nervous so i'm really glad.
we'll work this through a little more - see what happens.
you're cute. that email was cute.

i want something great to happen.
please.

Jamie Tworkowski's response: You are not a fake. You are not letting us down. You don't have to apologize. Our hope is that when someone wears a TWLOHA shirt, they're not saying they have it all together or that eveything is easy now. We hope they're simply saying that these issues matter to them, that they're fighting to believe in hope and help, and they're fighting to help others believe as well. There is no membership process, no criteria for acceptance. This is a movement for broken people and it is led by broken people. This movement exists for you and people like you. It is yours as much as it's mine. We want to say that we're sorry for your pain, for whatever it is that hurts and causes you to cut. We want to say that you're not alone tonight. Perhaps more than anything, we want to push back at the lie called shame that suggests you're stuck, suggests you're fake, suggests you're somehow failing us.

"You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters. We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck. We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

i could tell myself that i forgot i saw this
or that i forgot there was this organization
but that wouldn't be true
i know it's out there and i know there's help too
but when i see someone send something like that in,
it reminds me that other people are struggling too
and i would have thought that knowing that
and reading that
would have made me feel better and made me feel stronger
but the truth is, i'm still weaker than i'm telling people
and i'm still weaker than i'd like to tell myself even
i know i'm getting there
and that i took a few good steps in the right direction
but it's really, really hard to stay in that direction
and to stay that grounded.
it's just really hard
i thought seeing this would help but it just makes me uncomfortable
and i know that my situation makes everyone uncomfortable too
because it is an uncomfortable situation
i wish i could change but i'm having trouble still
and i don't think that i want to
because when i saw this and these words,
i wanted to forget that i had
and that makes me think that i wanted to forget about hope

"You know how in dreams you're always trying to get to someplace you need to be but you never really get there? I wish I could wake up"

i guess it's natural that towards the end of a break,
that anxious feeling returns.
i watch and listen to other people's lives
and i always feel like running away afterwards.
because i really try to find good things here
and there are good things.
i know that -
and it's just that the idea of a better life
is not that far off, i'm sure.
i'm trying to live less in the future
less in the idea of a better life
but actually having one.
i was going to email you earlier tonight
when i watched a movie and thought of you
and then i saw christmas lights and thought of you.
and then i saw whole foods and thought of you.
and how nice it would be if you worked in that one
instead of down there.
you mentioned moving next year
but i'm ignoring that for right now
because i hope you know that that's not going to be okay
unless of course you move here.
or you move where i go.
and that's selfish to just want you to be where i am.
but i know that it's selfish and i still don't care.
i miss you more that i should and more than i thought i could.
but that's just the way it is
and that's just the way it's always going to be.
because i've been missing you more and more ever since the first time.
i liked that we talked the other day.
it really relaxed me and it was totally unexpected.
and it was EASY.
it was so. damn. easy.
you drove, you called, i answered, we talked.
and we talked about everything.
we talked about our schools, our relationships, our lives, our dreams.
and it was just so nice.
but damn you. because that morning was the first morning that i had woken up
and i hadn't missed you and i hadn't thought of you.
and now, your in my head 439% again.
and i don't mind you being there -
i just wish that i knew what your percentage of me was.


i blame my mind most of the time -
i read books, i write stories, i watch movies, i listen to music, i see couples
and i just continue to fantasize about this escape and this safety that i'll get
if only you'd let me in your arms for longer than a hug.
and when i write, i have to get out of this idea of us working out.
because it's completely unrealistic.
well, not completely.
and that's the problem.
my dreams are way too big for my head.
and i read about other people being together and going the distance
and i can't help but just want to call you or email you and just have it shake you.
have you just be moved to talk to me more.
because i love. it. when we talk.
your probably my favorite person to talk to.
and that's why i can't let myself just go whenever i do
because if i did,
first of all, we'd all be talking.
i'd always be sending you things, i'd always be telling you something
but second of all, you'd know so much more than you'd want.
and it's almost like i want to tell you everything because of this summer
and i want to tell you nothing because of the same summer.

i'm going to go to bed and i'm going to send you the email that i wanted to send you a few hours ago in the morning. because that message is simpler and is nicer and is just going to be more fun to read than if i talked to you know. of course, ever since you called that one morning, i can't help but keep my phone on all night. getting woken up by you was the best.

who knows. maybe tomorrow i won't wake up with you as my first thought. maybe i'll wake up and remember all the things i have to do in reality. and maybe that'll distract me.

i'm trying not to be anxious because this break was fun.
and the next one is soon.
but i want to talk to you again. and i want you to want to talk to me like you did when you called.
i always feel like i'm bothering you. because it bothers me because i know that you're busy and i know that i expect too much. i just have to be careful. there's more people involved than i'll ever be willing to admit to. but i have to choose my words carefully and i have to email you in the morning when my head is cleared.

tonight should be fun.
today was fun.
and yesterday was fun.
and wednesday was fun.
and so was tuesday night.
i really like when that happens.
reminds me how easy things can be.
we're trying a photo shoot again tonight after the game board party so
i thought of reworking some of the old ideas that didn't come out
and doing some new ones ..
i just have to keep cracking away on them,
i know that eventually things will turn out.
and film WILL develop properly.
right? :/

i'm off for more plans. i'm just in a really good mood.

i forgot

i had so much fun last night -
i forgot how fun it is just to be with your friends
and just hang out.
ever since the two of them told me to start doing things, start going out and being with people,
i almost feel like i'm throwing this in their faces.
like, look! hah! i'm having fun.
and by the way, last night, i think it's the first time in a really, REALLY long time
that i didn't want to call you. or that i needed you.
i woke up this morning
with a completely stuffed nose and a cough
and i thought of you.
but last night, i didn't.
i was talking about a different boy
and during that time, i honestly didn't think
"i have to call him" or "i wonder what HE's doing with HIS girlfriend"

so i think that that's good.
i'm not saying that i DON'T need you .. espec. since i woke up this morning and thought of you
but it's giving me a nice little reminder that maybe in fact .. i can be, i can do, i can have
without you all the time.
and that's good - i need to remind myself that i'm fun and i'm great.
and that people want to spend time with me.
and that not everything is so serious.

and i just sneezed six times in a row.
make that seven.
if this is a way to physically show me how much fun i can have
and what consequences follow,
so be it.
i'm smiling with a sneeze.

and make that eight. damn.

"A Man of Words and Not of Deeds"

A man of words and not of deeds
Is like a garden full of weeds;
And when the weeds begin to grow,
It's like a garden full of snow;
And when the snow begins to fall,
It's like a bird upon the wall;
And when the bird away does fly,
It's like an eagle in the sky;
And when the sky begins to roar,
It's like a lion at the door;
And when the door begins to crack,
It's like a stick across your back;
And when your back begins to smart,
It's like a penknife in your heart;
And when your heart begins to bleed,
You're dead, you're dead, and dead indeed

it's only 10pm
and i am. so. tired.
i'm feeling both of these resolutions.
it's a two day week.
i can get through this.
i don't need to be irritable.
i don't have to be peppy.
i just have to get through these two days.
i can do it.

EdTakesPhotos [1]

http://flickr.com/photos/edtakesphotos/
"Hunter" in the London Town Set

So, photography is really frustrating me lately.
And I see things like this -
where there's ultimate beauty and just total simplicity
there's grace in this. just total grace.
it's just hard to see photos like this
because i know that there's
the chance to be living a dream,
capturing moments just like this.
photos like this are on my ultimate dream list
to shoot.
it's just really, really, beautiful.
i suggest you all follow that link immediately.
i stumbled upon it tonight
and as frustrating as today was
this just makes me content again.
there's just such grace.
it's remarkable.
photography has a hold on me
and i can't shake it off
no matter what kind of conditions try and weather me through with it,
i can't shake it.
and for finding pictures like this,
makes me remember why i can't shake it.
because there's more beauty
and more grace
and just
more
to find, to see, to listen to, to touch, to feel,
to photograph.
i just have to get out of this damn town.

boy meets girl ..

i saw wall·e for a second time last night
and it seriously broke my heart.
the first time i saw it, i was pretty much just stunned.
but this time, i seriously wanted to cry.
**the following comments contain spoilers**
basically that scene when wall*e is taking care of eve
holding umbrellas over her head and rowing with her in the tire
is the most fucking adorable thing i have ever seen.
but then, when she watches it back
and they're both practicing holding hands,
makes. me want. to scream.
that is just so perfect ..
but there's a moment that i feel
when wall*e is climbing up the side of the spacecraft to get to eve
that someone out there has got to be willing to do that for me
come and keep me dry when we're in the rain,
wrap christmas lights around me
watch the stars with me
hold my hand
and then later when eve kisses wall*e and she keeps hold of his hand
and he is revived -
that's. love.
granted, it's between two robots and in reality a kiss probably wouldn't bring someone out of a coma or whatever the equivalent is for wall*e's state ..
but it just makes me really crave a walk in the snow with someone
with cups of hot chocolate
and holding glove in glove
i'm just really craving some old fashioned boy meets girl
and girl and boy fall in love
romance.
i was reading one of jd salinger's short stories last night
where he was explaining why he couldn't write his boy meets girl story
"i was going to write a lovely tender boy-meets-girl story. what could be finer, i thought. the world needs boy-meets-girl stories. but to write one, unfortunately, the writer must go about the business of having the boy meet the girl. and i couldn't do it for this one.
in a boy-meets-girl story, the boy should always meet the girl"

so i want to meet that boy,
that boy that'll hold out umbrellas for me in the storm
and that boy that'll take me rowing in a tire
and that boy that'll climb ladders in space
to get to me.

I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette
I should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you could not do

I think the first thing I'm going to do tomorrow when I get home is watch John Mayer's Any Given Thursday. I remember how much I loved that DVD and I remember how much I loved listening to it in the background of some of my most calm memories. Maybe I'll watch it twice.

It's snowing today. Too bad.
And what the hell? Tomorrow there are supposed to be snow squalls?
I really want the snow to stick and make hundreds of feet so I can go lie in it.
I spent most of Euro and English today looking out of the window at all the snow and drawing
It was just really pretty.

7am

Snow Shower 32°F

22°F

40%

27°F

78%

From WNW 15 mph

Sunrise 7:22 am

8am

Snow Shower 32°F

21°F

40%

27°F

78%

From WNW 16 mph

stephanie and i have been talking about recycling today all week -
we've been looking at the bin outside of the 2nd floor window and laughing ..
saying how we won't be the first ones out there and how the lid alone is covered in 3 feet of snow
i'm really tired this morning but there's something about seeing that i'll catch the sunrise that makes me feel better. i hope this one is a good one - lots of color and big swishes of cloud.
here's to day one of recycling in the snow and by the light of the sunrise.
maybe i'll start doing more by the light of the sunrise if it's magical this morning.
and by the way, i decided i'll talk to you when it's sunny. see you in two months. check the forecast.

i didn't think that i'd see that when i checked.
i kind of thought i'd be rewarded but i don't think that counts ..
i just get angry that you have her and that you're happy about it.



ouch :/

hanging up.

it's just hard hanging up -
i don't know when my heart hurts when i do but it does.
i guess i just get worried that someone or something will get in our way.
you said that we were smarter, as arrogant as we both knew it sounded, than everyone.
but i think i'm still a little stupid - i'm still a little stuck in my head and you've found a way to get above being above and just be. like i said, i don't know why it's hard hanging up,
but it is. it just makes my heart hurt a little.
we laughed right before we said goodbye. that was a nice ending.
i think that's why it hurt a little more this time.
you're happy or at least for now you are.
and i'm getting there. like i keep saying, it just hurts a little more each time.
relationships are hard - we pretty much beat that topic out
but i wish that they weren't so bad; you said that if the two of us kept going like this, we'd be sad and we'd be lonely. and you said it might seem like i'm the only one without a boyfriend.

that's all true to me right now. things are tough. i was reading up on someone else's life tonight and she said she'd just spend today existing. my only concern is that if i spend too many days just letting myself laugh or cry or yell or dance or scream or hug or talk too loudly or get too excited just for a few minutes every day - i've just existed. bare minimum of minutes filled up like that and then i haven't really lived that day. it's just that things are tough. and i know we talked about them not being that big of a deal and how things are just going to get more ridiculous so we shouldn't let them bug us now .. i just so badly wanted to take that conversation and stick it in my brain in a permanent box. so that tomorrow, when i'm walking in the halls and i'm just looking straight ahead, thinking about talking to you next or running away soon or whatever - i can shake myself and take that conversation out of saving and just say .. there. listen up, crazy, it's all there. he told you that it's not that big of a deal so listen. it's not.

but i just worry.

i miss you when we're apart and i know it'll be awhile longer.

and i worry. that you won't want to see me or it won't matter or it won't be as nice of a thing as i keep thinking it'll have to be. like i said, i just worry. and it hurts -
i constantly just talk things over with myself about wrong, right, good, bad ..

and i'm worried that i've just existed for too long and i won't be able to live.
i'm trying but it's hard. i just need to see some sort of progress .. some way for me just to get somewhere good in my life and stay grounded for awhile. i'm just digging myself into all these holes and then picking new ones each day to go into. it's scary and i'm worried. i want to talk to you about these things but like i said, i worry. i worry that i won't get answers and i worry that it won't be what i'm hoping for and i worry that i don't know what i'm hoping for that i'm worrying i won't get. like i said, it hurts.

we'll see what happens friday. she and i are supposed to go back to the basics but i have a feeling as soon as i bring up that comment .. things will just be bad for awhile. she doesn't know how to help and i don't know what i want from her.

tomorrow i want to do something great. and usually, by the way, it's "someday" i want to do something great. but i don't think someday is going to cut it because someday .. that's too safe.

i think i'm torn because i want to be free, like that dove necklace from last night - that kind of adorable "here, i know i can be free with you, take this and have it forever" {but that's those crazy relationships again, isn't it? you said i wasn't the only one .. show me, alright? i'm starting to think otherwise} and i just really, really, really am just. scared. i'm just so fucking scared.

i'm scared of what i'll be someday. and i'm scared of what i'll be in a year. and i'm scared of what i'll be tomorrow. i'm just scared to be. and it's holding me back and it hurts.

so that. is why it hurts to hang up.
i'm just really. really. scared.

lyrics

i've been reading my daily dose of blogs and i realized how happy it makes me when people post lyrics and then i get into that band just because of them. they won't ever know because i'm assuming they post lyrics like when i do - to show how they're feeling, to point out something important that someone put into beautiful words. thank you.

"I'm really sorry Steven, but your bicycle's been stolen and I was watchin' it for you 'till you came back in the fall .. guess I didn't do such a good job after all ... Guess we'll never see poor Madeleine again"
-The Decemberists: The Apology Song

^ My current favorite song. Maybe someone will read this, get the song, and smile a little more than they were already doing today.

copyright by Jeanette LeBlanc

this is fun - talking to you like this.
i feel like those whispers set the tone to share secrets

dear you and him:

yeah, this will be the fourth post of today. but i'm just really confused.
and i'm just sad. step up, i'm not going to go look for you.
i think the reason i'm writing so much tonight, or wanting to write more than i actually am allowing myself to write out, is that i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to.
and i know. i am well aware that i do have people to call and people i could visit.
but i want someone to come to me already. i asked him for this weekend and i doubt it'll happen.
yesterday, i was ready. this morning and this afternoon, i was ready.
a few hours ago, i was ready.
but i'm so not ready anymore.
not in that sense anyways.
i just want to cry to you tonight.
but i'm holding back because i know that either you won't respond well
or you won't care. or you won't answer.
there's always that. damn this distance.
i just can't keep myself in one piece for a whole day and it is so. frustrating.
i've got such a heavy mind tonight. and all i want to do is cry to him.
and it doesn't help that you've gotten into my mind - i feel like i have to watch YOU now.
just fucking come to me if you see it, alright? i'm mad.
if you do see it, then come to me, alright? step up, okay? i am just so mad.
i keep reading over that comment
and can't help but wonder, it's been at least a week and a half
and you haven't done a fucking thing.
i don't even know if i fucking have the right person in mind.
but if i do, i know you love me.
but it's hard sometimes when i feel like i can't talk to you.
i know you aren't judging me
but its hard when you're smiling so much
and i'm smiling along
and we're not talking about this crap that's going on.
i still remember when he said that he KNEW what kind of shit this was, that he had gone through it. and i went to YOU that next day. I DID. and we laughed about it, and i smiled for a day after that. because it felt good to talk about that and just laugh it off.

but the same old shit is going on. it's not over, it's not even remotely close.
so can we just talk about it? i can't go to you if i know that you've known for this long
and you say you feel like you haven't done a good job but you just don't know how to help.
you just haven't asked. if you do see it, make some time for me. i'm begging you.

because all i want to do tonight is cry to him. and i know he won't care or he won't know how to help either or he won't answer. but the thing is, is i want to talk to him and he's 2 and a half hours away with a girlfriend and a complicated, busy, messy life too. you're down the street and we don't talk. not like we did that time before school started. not like we did last summer. not like we did when we were little. if you do see it, come to me. because right now, all i want is him.

i always get nervous right before.
you said that once - that a phone call to her shouldn't make your heart jump that much
but boy, it's like that for me to you.
i always get nervous right before.

is it silly of me to think things will work out tonight?

YES!

10 Day Forecast For Cleveland, OH [44121]			High / Low (°F)	Precip. %
Today Nov 16		Snow	36°/32°	70 %
Mon Nov 17		Snow Shower	35°/28°	60 %
Tue Nov 18		Snow Shower	32°/26°	40 %
Wed Nov 19		Snow Shower	35°/31°	40 %
Thu Nov 20		Few Snow Showers	35°/25°	30 %
Fri Nov 21		Snow Shower	35°/27°	40 %
Sat Nov 22		Mostly Cloudy	39°/29°	20 %
Sun Nov 23		Showers	43°/34°	30 %
Mon Nov 24		Showers	45°/33°	60 %
Tue Nov 25		Partly Cloudy	40°/29°	20 %