c'mon ..

take me away from this place already.
it's not hard - all you have to do is talk this through with me.
i want to be here, i do.
there's no doubt there's time for great things here.
but i can't keep going on like this.
so just take me away for a few nights. can't you do that?
can't you just lift me up on your wings for awhile?
i'm tired of trying to fly on my own - i'm broken.
you know it, i know it.
so why can't you just take me away?
i just need to be jolted up again.
give me a little motivation, a little inspiration.
just a little - let's do like a 70/30 kind of an arrangement.
i just want that little bit.
so talk me through this life, these days.
because right now i can't say that i'm sure i can do it alone.
in fact i know i can't do it alone because it's 2:50 in the morning.
and i can't sleep.
i'm exhausted.
i am.
i really, really, really am just so tired.
but i can't close my eyes - i have too many thoughts running around in my head all the time.
so let's make a deal, alright? if you promise that if i go to sleep, i'll talk to you tomorrow -
and that you'll take me away for awhile?
that isn't hard. i'm light and i won't bother you.
so c'mon ..
just for a little while, alright?
just for a few days and a few nights.
take me away - show
me your world, your happiness, your smiles.
let me suck on those for awhile until my nourishment is filled again.
because right now it's like i'm running on empty
and i know i'm running on empty
and i just keep on running
because i can't face what's out there for me to answer
so just take me away,
just call and just come
and just take me away on your shoulders
show me what it's like to be walking around without your feet and your nose in the same spot on the ground - show me what's it's like to feel the wind in your hair and the rain on your face.
because right now all i'm getting .. is nothing.
so c'mon.
just do it.
just come.
and just take me away.
i really just want to leave for a little while.
you can do that, right?
just promise me that.
i'll go to sleep if you do.
i'll try on my own a little longer if you do.
i'll be alright if you do.
just take me away and let me see things differently, freshly.
just show me all the things that you work for, that you live for, that you are for.
just take me away.
c'mon ...
you can do it.
... c'mon.

i'm not sure

where it is we stand these days.
i can't get into your head.
but get out of mine,
because it's getting awfully crowed up there these days
ever since you left
i can't seem to get you back home.
i used to be alright
i used to be fine
but now,
i don't know where it is we stand today
because i thought we were better now
and i thought that we were working on this
but i guess it's not your top priority
so i'm going to leave it up to you.
i didn't leave it last time
or the time before that
or the time before that.
but not now.
i'm not getting involved this time.
you come get me.
now, don't doubt that i don't need you.
because i'm still pretty broken,
i'm still breaking.
so i'm giving you the chance to come
and get me
and take me away
and let me know where we're at
and what's in your head
besides the not thinking of me.

so tomorrow

so i'm trying to be patient with you.
and it's working out.
i know you're trying not to step on my toes.
and i'm trying not to step on yours.
i think this whole awkward phase is passing, right?
it has to pass - i can't have it not.
i'm all wound up but i should sleep.
it seems like sometimes i'm just in a different world than you
our schedules are so different that we have to promise that we'll talk.
i know it's hard but it has to work because i can't have it not.
i'm going to relax tomorrow and try and be patient.
you'll call, we'll talk.
it's just so damn inconvenient sometimes.
and that's part of the frustration, yknow?
that it COULD be easier
but it's just not.
we're trying to work things out.
but i wish things hadn't changed there for awhile.
your voice now is so much quieter
so much more shy when you ask me how i am
almost like you're afraid of what i'll say
or maybe afraid of what i won't say.
but that email had to be sent.
and your answer was appreciated.
i just think that we can get through this
and we can get through it all -
we just have to keep moving
and keep making those promises
making time for each other in our worlds
and then maybe it won't be so hard to miss you
if there's a promise you'll come back.
i know that it's hard for you
being where you are and my being where i am
but i think you can do it.
i think i can do it too.
i think we just have to try
maybe now we have to try a little harder not to step on each others toes
be a little more shy.
but i think we can do it.
so tomorrow we'll talk
and tomorrow we'll try.
and tomorrow we'll work.

it isn't fair

i just wanted to tell you that i'm upset.
and that i'm not doing too well.
and that you brought up a lot of bad memories.
and that giving you that journal was my fault.
and that i need an outlet and you made it sound
like my outlet wasn't acceptable.
and i know it's not.
but i need you here still.
and i need you not to be upset with me.
because things are hard enough these days that i can't lose you.
i have to have you be with me still.
it isn't fair.

why

this is just really messed up.
i mean, yesterday right after was hard.
and then i tried to relax, forget about it, be alright.
and then it got so bad that i forgot how bad it could be.
i've never had something so bad.
i don't know what i can do.
i don't even know what i did.
i can't help thinking that this was the last healthy thing i had going
and how could i fuck it up.
i mean, yesterday was hard.
but this morning? is just indescribable.
i obviously was calling out for help when i wrote that and gave it to him.
i obviously was.
so when he called and asked me what was wrong.
so when he called and wanted me to get help.
so when he called and wanted TO help.
how could i push him and his advice away?
and did i push him away for good?
is he still willing to be there for me?
or did i exhaust my last hope
i don't know what happened but that last little piece we kept talking about?
it's even more broken now. and i don't think anyone will want that shard.
i don't even want it.
part of me wanted him to be here when i hung up, be here when i woke up, be here.
but i'm afraid i lost him.
why did i give that to him.
why did i let him in.
why did i do this.
i guess since it's done
i better figure it out.
because that crap i was feeling before
has just magnified to 80000 times more.
i feel like with any little cause, i'm going to lose it.
i feel like now on the verge of crying all the time.
i can't just give up.
not now.
but i feel like i'm losing this battle
and if i win, did i really?
because i can't figure it out.
but what i do know is that i messed up.
i'm just afraid i messed up for more than i had thought i could.
i just need to get away.
i have to. i can't be here anymore.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhattt now.
that was crazy. i can't believe with all the preparation that that was
that it's over this soon. this is nuts. im so upset

am i allowed

to be more excited for this weekend than i have been for anything this summer?
is that expecting too much?
i hope not .. i really, really, really need this to work out.
it just has to. please.

icanfeelthisone.
ineededthistonight.
iknowthatthiswillbeperfect.
andiknowitwillend.
butitwontbeover.
icanfeelthisone.
itsgoingtobealright.

today will be great ..

alright lucky post #85.
that's close to love potion #..9..
that sort of rhymes :]

today it is only 10:16 a.m
and there is much promise of a great day already
a) i have now finished both books for school and the paper writing is only left
b) i have a date scheduled to do chemistry
c) there's a phone call later
d) i have plans for the entire day


i really just feel like i'm going to love today.
if i don't, i'll make myself love it.
because today has too much potential to be
a really, really, really, really, great day.
to not have it be.
so today



will be




great.

i really don't

is that i don't really feel like i fit in all of a sudden.
i really can't figure out why, now, i feel like i don't have anyone.
i really can't figure it out.
i was totally in control just a little while ago.
this is so completely frustrating.
i just don't
fit.
and i am well aware that that sounds over dramatic
and mostly untrue
because, i mean, i get by.
but that's just the thing.
i'm just getting by.
i'm not really fitting in anywhere.
i'm just there.
and i think
that tonight when i was doing the usual of what i usually do
i thought to myself
'i'm really, really, tired'
but yknow that tired you get after you do something really great?
or have a really great conversation?
or just have a really great day?
that wasn't the kind of tired i have right now
nor has it been that kind of tired i've felt for the past i'm not sure how long.
i think i stay up because i'm waiting for something to happen.
i'm waiting for someone to come get me.
and help me fit.
because right now,
i just feel really alone.
i keep imagining what my life will be like in a few weeks,
in a few months,
in a few years.
and i just can't seem to get a handle on fitting.
i've got plans
and i do things
and i'm out
and i'm in
and i'm quite aware of what's going on around me.
only i just feel really, really, really
left out.























and i feel like i just really, really
don't fit.

no, no, no.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuugh.

so confused.

this is so confusing.
i just don't understand what is going on.
i thought, seriously, that i had a handle on things.
and i saw tonight that, once again, when i think
that things are working out.
that they, in fact, aren't.
i was perfectly content with not talking tonight.
i really, really was.
i thought "okay, so tomorrow"
then i talked.
and i thought
"okay, so tonight. that's great."
and for about a half an hour
it was great.
it was fun and it was going well.
and then, inevitably, it got cut off.
i don't know what. to do.
seriously.
i'm just so damn frustrated.
i am just so. so. frustrated.
it's so irritating.
i was so content just a little while ago.
and then i realized.
y'know what.
this. isn't. working.
i am so. confused.
i try and disengage.
i try and be affectionate.
i try and act indifferent.
i try. and it just doesn't work.
i'm so. frustrated.







i am so frustrated.

i'm just

really.
really.
really.
really.
tired.



physically, emotionally, spiritually.






tired.

what happened, happened.

seriously? that was ridiculous.
what happens .. did happen.
although i'm admitting that i didn't let it go entirely
because i'm just not that able.
not yet anyways.
but it did help a hell of a lot that the first time i seriously took this and said to myself over and over
"what happens, happens"
and then it did.
things aren't solidified yet but that would be too easy.
my anxiety is still at about a 7 .. okay, maybe an 8
about this but it used to be at 2400.
it's so crazy.
i'm just happy that i was able to step out of the situation
and say 'what happens, happens'

so say it for yourself once in awhile
and remember that 'what happens, happens'
even if you're still saying it when it doesn't happen.
it'll help. it'll work.

i was so angry earlier today and now
there's a new step
and a step from there and then from there.
this. will. work.
it. will. work.
it. will. be. great.


it. will. happen.

what happens?

let's go back to the beginning of summer.
or at least skip ahead to august 2nd.
i can't figure out what's going on and it's making me really anxious.
i figured "okay, don't check your email at all tonight and then, then you'll get an email"
that was last night. so i woke up and i figured "okay, there are pretttttttyy good chances there will be some sort of something response." but then i thought "no, don't cross your fingers, that's putting too much on the line" and THEN i thought "what the hell, cross your fingers, that won't change anything. there'll be something or there won't."

thats optimism to luck to superstition to indifference in a matter of a minute and a half as my email loaded. 8 new emails. i figured then "okay, okay, just scan the first four..nothing? it's okay. it's probably in the four you can't see." i figured then "it's gotta be" and then i figured "no, it won't be. well, maybe. well, no. well, maybe" and then i decided to just look.

and low and behold ...

absolutely nothing. nada. nope. nothing.
i'm so bummed. i can't understand what's going on.
and i think i'd feel better if i could do one of three things:
1. see in the future to the day before and just seeeeeee if i'm giddy or absolutely peeved.
2. [i like these numbers in this font btw] look inside my computer and through to the one over there and see if there's like a communication button not pushed or something
3. GET AN ANSWER.

eerrrrrrrp. this is making me really anxious.
i can't do anything else but wait now and i guess i've got to put it in someone else's hands to figure this out. what happens, happens. let's just say that..

what happens, happens.
thats it. i'm not going to think about this anymore.
what happens, happens.
plain and simple.
what happens, happens.





what happens, happens.

déjà vu?

new music &
a full day.
3:20 am.

....


you would think i would be able to sleep.
and you would think i would want to sleep.
and you would think i wouldn't be so unhappy.

but i can't pin point it.
i'm in my head too much.

....

déjà vu?
to a post a while back? when i said i was getting *out* of my head?i can't figure it out. i feel like i need something to click
so i know i belong and that things are good.
i don't get it. what am i looking for?
what am i missing? what am i asking for?
what am i doing for myself? what am i doing for everyone else?
what am i looking for? i don't get it.

....

hm?

well. that was interesting.
i'm not quite sure what happened but.
i'm going to stay positive-
let it work itself out;
it will, it'll be fine.
it's alright.

tomorrow

it's interesting how we were talking about how the nights are
most depressing.
i just have to tell myself that
in the morning, i'll feel fine. i'll feel good.
tomorrow is a new day.
there's new things to do. there's more time.
it'll be okay.
it's a new day tomorrow.
i'll feel good.

oreos and milk

i think tonight is an oreos and milk night.
i'm excited about painting my room.
and i think if i try to busy myself with stuff like that,
i'll in turn make myself happier and maybe feel like
i'm not missing out on big stuff.
there's a few things that i want to happen
and a few things that won't happen
a few things that i don't want to happen that will
so ..
i think tonight is an oreos and milk night.
for sure.

In Chicago

it's been a little while since i got a song under my belt
that i can just listen to over and over again.
i'm always listening to music
but that feeling that you get when you listen to a song
and by the first note you're hooked for at least 4 plays right in a row,
that's the reason right there i listen-
for songs like this:

In Chicago via Purevolume
In Chicago via Myspace
In Chicago via Facebook [video!]

so as far as i see it
the opportunity to listen to such genius work of joey hendrickson.
is really unavoidable.

" "

"You don't know how to drive? I thought you were 16? When I was 16 I was driving"
"I'm going to camp next week so give me your address; we're write letters!"
"I have to work."
"Well, I mean, I'll be in New York so you can just call me or something if you ever go out there .. we'll see each other sometime soon so it'll be okay "
"Dear Shayna- Don't throw this away. Read me first before throwing me away! This is REALLY worth your time! Let me know if you're interested. "
"One last question"
"Your grades are here."
"You just have to wait for the AP letter"
"When do you get your schedule?"
"I'll be out of town a lot so.."
"My boyfriend's coming in to see me"
"We're going to counseling later on this week"
"I don't want you to do it if it's boring but.."
"There's a meeting on Tuesday"
"Why aren't you ready yet?"
"Maybe some other time, alright?"
"I think we need to set something up"
"Let me see your arm; it's not healing"
"Have you started your summer work yet?"
"I've been up to a lot.. things have just been so busy. You?"

israel

Application Form: Write On: For Israel

Name: ______________________________________________

Address: ______________________________________________

Phone Number: ___________________

Email address (please print clearly): ___________________

School: ______________________________________________

Address: ______________________________________________

Extracurricular Activities: ___________________________________________

Please send us a copy of your high school transcript

High School Graduation Year: ___________________

References: (One academic and one personal)

***Name 1: _______________

***Phone: ________________

Name 2: __________________

Phone: ___________________

Signatures and reference letters must be included

Are you planning to apply to college? ___________________

If so, which three schools are your top choices

sign where it's starred. muchas gracias. :]

summer.

the inevitable question of "what's going on in your summer?" keeps getting asked and i keep answering with a mumble and a stumble and then come up with some half-assed sentence like
"well, i'm learning .. how .. to drive .. in july .. and that's .. it .." "you aren't working?" "no .. i have a job during the year on Sundays.." "are you going out of town any?" "uhm .. no." "well .. driving will be fun! that's fun. have fun!" and then they tell me about their travel stories or their work stories.

so i'm thinking that with all the big things going on in people's lives, i gotta fit somewhere. the problem is, i don't know what i want to happen. i don't know. i thought i had a handle on what was up but i just want to get into the car again and drive. i want to get onto 271 and turn up the music and put down the windows and just drive. maybe that's the problem - i just want to run away.

Alright!

So this morning I woke up at like 6:30 for some reason and I had no motivation to get UP so I got the closest to winning a game of solitaire on my iPod I've ever gotten and then I went back to sleep.

Then when I woke up again, to what I was sure would have been like 5 hours later, at NINE-thirty, my mind just raced around for a few minutes of early-morning babble and then I realized something great. I got hit with a ton of brick type of inspiration that had hit a few days back.

"A Human Mobile" Eh? Eh? Yeah. I'm sharing it here since I think if I share it anywhere else, there would be modifications, alterations and I'd end up with a totally different dress to wear and I wouldn't want to shoot again and thus the rut. Howeverrrrrr, no one talks back here so. Woohoo.

Next thing is is to put it in action. But we'll let it simmer for awhile.

waiting

dearyou-
i waited until 11 and then i gave up.
i don't really understand and i'm not very patient.
it's not fair that we have all this distance in between us.
i know it's not your fault. but it's still not fair.
i'm not very happy.
in fact, i'm pretty very unhappy.
tomorrow is a new day.
which brings a new night.
maybe we'll talk then.
i'll wait until 11 again and then i'll give up again.





i'll understand and i'll be patient.
sincerelyme.

goodbye

i have to say goodbye to ben today.
i really can't and i don't know how i'm going to.
what do you say when someone is just leaving like that?
i need more time with him- new york is far.
that's not fair- i think i'm upset but i'm also angry.
it's not really fair because i'm supposed to be the one to leave first. he isn't supposed to go and start this whole new life and leave me back here. i'm supposed to leave first. it's just two more years until i would have. it's not fair. i have to say goodbye to ben today. i can't. i don't know how.

i've decided

that the world is moving too fast
that my feet can't get grounded before the rug gets pulled away
that people are changing too much









and i can't do anything but watch it all go away.

mental AED

So hm. i need a mental AED because i'm just kind of emotionally blank. i gotta depend more on myself- that way i won't be so disappointed when things don't work out the way.
i just need a good shock

"..now im on the waves and i'm taking on water hard to see i won't always be alone.."

i think though that once i get a little john mayer through my system and eat a little hummus, i can relax. i just have to remember one day at a time, everything is not personal, i'm a good person.
and if things don't work out the first time, i gotta take a breath; i gotta step back and breathe.
because it's not against me. not if i let myself go with the flow. i just gotta be every once in awhile.

i just gotta be.

"Last night I lay awake
My eyes were dry with the pain
Sometimes I wish that I would just die
To save me from seeing you again
I knew you used me but I didn't care
I was happy just being together
Well sometimes I wonder if I should be with you
All you ever do is ignore me"

"All my life has been a dream
An endless nightmare it seems
Tonight's the night, yes this is the end
You've heard it before, this is what I said
I think about gone yesterdays
All the things that people would say
Tonight's the night, I'm gonna find the truth"

i don't know.

my arm looks disgusting.

slip

i honestly still don't know.
i mean i just feel like i cant talk to anyone about this-
blah, blah, people are there. i know.
it's just hard to talk about it because i'm just getting used to it.
i don't want to say i like it- i know that i shouldn't- i know all of the answers to all of the questions that people will ask me. i just need a good shake on the shoulders but no one has done that yet and i haven't been able to give myself one. i'm just not ready yet- i still don't know.

"perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically
to those who hardly think about us in return."

and i guess i'm willing to lay it on the line for people who won't really care
because i really feel like things have changed with those who do care.
it's just so awkward. i mean- i can really feel the change as i talk about it.
there's a total shift in the conversation and it's so judgmental.

i guess i'm afraid of not finding myself and having everyone else figure me out before i'm ready to be shown off. i think this is my way of getting in touch with myself. my dreams have changed, my mind has slipped, my body is slowly following. i don't know. i know i shouldn't close down at night when i'm alone or lose myself when i walk back from school. i'm doing a mighty fine job of masking what's going on at school. it's just that when i get alone with my thoughts, it's scary. i don't know how i got to this place in my head and how everything that i thought spilled out for me to have to clean up.

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there…because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't."

i really just wonder when things will change back again. i'm sure they will eventually. i just want to be living my life with meaning while i wait. i just want to be able to do something that means something to someone, to anyone. i know i make a difference. i just don't feel like i have a big enough voice or a big enough dream or a big enough heart or anything. i just really, really small in this world these days.

I figured you'd catch me whenever I fell
But I guess it isn't easy to see
How much these days I've been slippin' farther down
Than I was a few weeks ago and
I'd just as soon rather put that clothespin back
On my chapped lips
Let it stay until I could figure out a way
To let you catch me, unclip me, save me.
I figured you'd catch me whenever I fell
But I guess it isn't easy to see
And afterall, I've been waiting for you to come
See my pain and wash it away with the sound of your voice, with the feeling of your touch
But there's no way that you could
Catch me, unclip me, save me whenever I fell
With as many times as I've been slippin' these days
I figured you'd catch me whenever I fell
But I guess it isn't easy

I don't want to.

"No man..
..For any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."

What the hell am I doing? I don't really know. I am having so much trouble knowing what to do, what to say, what to, what to, what to. I guess what I do know is I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone- like really realllly talk to anyone. I know I can talk to people but I don't know. I feel like I can't since I can't even think to myself about what's going on. I didn't like the whole urging feeling I got to do it again. And I don't think I really should have liked the feeling of doing it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I can't figure it out. I don't know. I feel like whenever I tell someone, it doesn't get the response I want. And I don't know even what response of if I want a response from them. I feel like people's opinions change of me when I tell them- those I told at least. I mean like I feel like either, like tonight, it was cookie cutter questions that I was being grilled on. Then before that it was like almost good enough advice but it didn't quite quite get there because I wanted more. The other afternoon it was a hey! buddy! hows it going kiddo!? email. And then before that first off it was just weird. I didn't like it. I don't know. I feel like they're judging me but almost like they almost care enough. I don't know. I don't want to be stupid about it. I know they care. I don't know. They do. Maybe I just don't. And not like dramatically like I don't care, oh man I don't, no no. But like I just don't really care I think. More like a nonchalant kind of no caring? Only like a few more degrees. I don't like answering questions. I know what to ask myself. I just don't know the answers. So I guess I feel like I don't know besides knowing I don't want to talk to anyone about it anymore. Yuck. I know all the tests, I know all the signs. I just don't want to. That I know at least. I just don't know if that's a good thing. Knowing that at least? Maybe? Probably not. I don't know. That's what this all comes down to. I don't know.

"We all live in a house of fire..

..No fire department to call. No way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns down the house...with us trapped, locked in it."
"When so many are lonely as seems to be lonely it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone"
_Tennessee Williams

"Who knows what true happiness is? Not the conventional word, but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory. Or some illusion."
_Joseph Conrad

"There will always be something to ruin our lives. It all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken."
_Charles Bukowski

.

i was watching a movie tonight
and i really couldn't figure out what happened in my mind
i know that earlier today, i was feeling slip-py
and i figured going out would be the fix but what frustrates me is that i came home
and i was watching that movie
and again, i let my mind wander off and get off of its track
i wish it was as simple as reaching into my head and just fumbling around with the car of all my thoughts and then putting it back onto the tracks and letting it go straight again. but i can't figure out what happened that i fell off again. maybe i wasn't on so securely the first time, i don't know. i'm getting a bad feeling that i faked whatever was fine. i'm not really sure what is going on. i want things to be better, i do. or maybe i don't. i don't really know.
i just want to know what's going on. if i knew at least, it'd be better. i hope so. i don't know what to do. last time i was like alright, do this, do that, tell them, do this, it'll be good. but now i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm off track for sure. that's all i do know.
is knowing that better? or maybe i need to be floating around more and then i wouldn't be in this place at all if i were ignorant to what was going on. i don't know.

.

i still can't figure out what it is or what to do.

"And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not..What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me. Root for others. Give more and expect the same in return, but over time."
-John Mayer [blog]

i'm getting concerned

that i'm losing sight of what i want and who i want to be.
i can't really help thinking that i'm changing myself whenever it's convenient
and making myself up for whoever is watching
in order to make myself more desirable or more attractive to them
and i think i would be fine, unfortunately, if it were working
but i can't find out even who i should be for someone let alone who i can be for myself.
i don't even know what i should do to fix it
or i mean i guess i don't know even if i want to fix it
i think i have to work on distancing myself from what i think is screwing me up.
maybe it's so i can look more dramatic but maybe it'll look
i really want things to be better, things to be happier again and stay that way
i don't really know what's wrong and i'm getting worried since i can't really pinpoint
what gets me to do the things i do or say. i don't know. i'm drifting slowly to the wrong side
of who i should be and who i want to be.

the list

themellotwitch83: okay so lets make an alternating list of things that annoy us
themellotwitch83: until we run out
lissyloo21: ok
themellotwitch83: and then we'll feel better
lissyloo21: ok
themellotwitch83: go ahead
lissyloo21: lol well ok um
lissyloo21: 1. Trevor writing that fucking review
themellotwitch83: 2. trail of tears
lissyloo21: 3. people still not apologizing about that or even really caring
themellotwitch83: 4. people making promises they cant keep
lissyloo21: 5. pham being a jerk and not caring about what I'm telling him
themellotwitch83: 6. jos not talking to em
lissyloo21: 7. dylan talking to me and not shutting up about his amazing movie skills
themellotwitch83: 8. emma blowing me off now that she found someone better
lissyloo21: 8. pham getting depressed and then not telling me what's wrong with him
themellotwitch83: 9. grace dating
lissyloo21: 10. molly getting whtaever she wants
themellotwitch83: 11. not being able to figure out what i want
lissyloo21: 12. not being able to talk well with T
themellotwitch83: 13. not being able to be in columbus
lissyloo21: 14. liking a lot of boys a little but none of them a lot
themellotwitch83: 15. being rejected for attention in photography
lissyloo21: 16. T not kissing me
themellotwitch83: 17. being lonely
lissyloo21: 18. realizing that I never change
themellotwitch83: 19. blaming other people for my unhappiness
lissyloo21: 20. not being able to stop myself from being a bitch
themellotwitch83: 21. covering up things with jokes
lissyloo21: 22. feeling like I have a lot of acquaintences but not many friends
themellotwitch83: 23. trying to hard to fit in
lissyloo21: 24. the fact that sex and being a slut will always matter to boys
themellotwitch83: 25. confusing lust for more
lissyloo21: 26. feeling like I can't trust anyone
themellotwitch83: 27. feeling like im not good enough
lissyloo21: 28. being shy
themellotwitch83: 29. regretting a lot of things that i did/didn't do
lissyloo21: 30. guilt
themellotwitch83: 31. expecting too much in return
lissyloo21: 31. taking responsibility for other people's problems
lissyloo21: 32*
themellotwitch83: 33. not putting myself first
lissyloo21: 34. hating how I used to be
themellotwitch83: 35. fearing what i;ll become
lissyloo21: 36. fearing that life doesn't get any better
themellotwitch83: 37. losing what is good
lissyloo21: 38. feeling like I have to work extra hard just to be on par with everyone else looks-wise
themellotwitch83: 39. not being noticed anyways
lissyloo21: 40. feeling like a loser
themellotwitch83: 41. wanting someone to not just understand how i feel but make me feel better
lissyloo21: 42. not knowing how to help
themellotwitch83: 43. destructive behavior
lissyloo21: 44. feeling ashamed of my music taste
themellotwitch83: 45. wanting to be someones muse
lissyloo21: 46. not having enough time and wasting what there is
themellotwitch83: 47. not being able to relax
lissyloo21: 48. always being tired
themellotwitch83: 49. not having enough patience
lissyloo21: 50. being afraid of something happening to my mom
themellotwitch83: 51. worrying about death constantly
lissyloo21: 52. my parents fighting
themellotwitch83: 53. wanting my mom to leave
lissyloo21: 54. my dad's sleeping problems
themellotwitch83: 55. worrying too much
lissyloo21: 55. worrying about my brother
lissyloo21: 56
lissyloo21: *
themellotwitch83: 57. wanting a legitimate reason for being sad
lissyloo21: 58. being such a gossip
themellotwitch83: 59. having too many secrets
lissyloo21: 60. not wanting to burden my mom
themellotwitch83: 61. confiding in the wrong people
lissyloo21: 62. T asking 'what r u doing?'
themellotwitch83: 63. being mean
lissyloo21: 64. being a hypocrite
themellotwitch83: 65. creating drama
lissyloo21: 66. drama club
themellotwitch83: 67. wanting to be little again
lissyloo21: 68. being afraid of getting fat
themellotwitch83: 69. wanting individuality
lissyloo21: 70. exaggerating to get sympathy
themellotwitch83: 71. making things up to be liked
lissyloo21: 72. a lot more people wanting to date molly than me on spark on facebook
themellotwitch83: 73. being afraid of not getting another boyfriend
lissyloo21: 74. being afraid of never having another relationship like pham
themellotwitch83: 75. being too rash
lissyloo21: 76. being afraid that I'm going against what's meant to happen
themellotwitch83: 77. depending too much on things just working out
lissyloo21: 78. wanting so many things
themellotwitch83: 79. being dedicated to the wrong things
lissyloo21: 80. feeling let down after good things wear off
themellotwitch83: 81;. not being happy for long
lissyloo21: 82. missing a piece on my puzzle
themellotwitch83: 83. not practicing enough of my guitar
lissyloo21: 84. for some reason feeling like being unhappy makes you likeable
themellotwitch83: 85. thinking things can be solved with talking them out
lissyloo21: 86. feeling guilty for being friends with my brother's friends
themellotwitch83: 87. being irritated for not having more 'friends' on facebook
lissyloo21: 88. comparing how many wall posts I get to how many other people get
themellotwitch83: 89. disliking relationship updates
lissyloo21: 90. being addicted to the computer
themellotwitch83: 91. using emails and letters as a crutch
lissyloo21: 92. wishing I was funnier
themellotwitch83: 93. wanting more time
lissyloo21: 94. talking on the phone
themellotwitch83: 95. not being able to get in touch with people
lissyloo21: 96. being paranoid of getting bad news
themellotwitch83: 97. expecting the worst
lissyloo21: 98. not wanting to think about college
themellotwitch83: 99. having too many choices
lissyloo21: 100. wishing I was closer with my dad and feeling guilty about it

check soon for 100 happy.

note to self: don't die

i told myself after one tree hill
"i'll go back to studying APUSH after i check my email [none] and my facebook [nothing]"
and then i thought "i'll open my itunes. and that'll determine my mood"
now, maybe if it had been something happy, i would have thrown it away. but since it wasn't- i took it. cheating? i think not. i'm not sad, i'm just lonely. i have expectations for some[one]things that could or couldn't work out. obviously. then the itunes went into regina spektor with the lyrics repeating "you're so god damn young" and that secondly got me to thinking..
i'll make a note to myself not to die. [thanks ryan adams]
and under that i'll remind myself that i'm just so god damn young [thanks regina spektor]
and the thing[s] that i'm counting on aren't that feasible right now.
i have to remind myself that I AM young and he's not. or he's not as young i should say. we're all just a bunch of kids when it gets down to the grit. watching one tree hill always does this too me. and when it gets late at night. and uh, in general? i need something drastic to happen to wake me up again because right now- i'm just kind of coasting along and that's not great. i was listening to 'first time' [thanks hawk nelson] while i was walking home and i was feeling a little shook up- a little like i could get it all done, i could study that damn APUSH, i could make him and i work, i could make me work. but it's just a song and songs end. this one ended after 2:37.

i need to start studying again.
btw elissa and i got the same grade on a chem test today as did molly. that made me happy. now it's not a great grade [and it sucks pretty much] but i guess i felt like i wasn't so far behind if they could do bad[ly] once in a while too. i dont know, i'm just looking for more than i can get i think. and i think maybe i'm looking too much into what i do have.

i need to start studying. screw the again. i need to start.
i need to make myself proud and not have to rely on my dad to make me feel good about myself because frankly, that's been kind of a let down. he's told me to learn in spite with dewitt, with other subjects too. but i don't think he knows that i've been trying to learn in spite of him.
so to wrap up, i'm making a note to myself not to die, i'm really so god damn young, i'm one step and two steps closer to feeling alive and for the last time i'm falling behind [thanks again hawk nelson]

so i need to start studying.

"your arms are the only ones that fit in mine

your heartbeat keeps mine on time."

I'm going back down to Columbus this Saturday. I am beyond excited. I think I'm going to get addicted to those drive[s]. I feel like this is going somewhere too; I made Joey some flyers and he liked them, I kicked ass at my guitar lesson, I didn't slip in my new shoes. This life thing is definitely going some place good. And I'm beginning to think it's him and his music. I've found something good and I can't wait to find more of it this weekend. I. Am. So. Happy.

Now press repeat.

and my

fingers itched to play again tonight.
i picked up and retuned my ole guitar
and then got the song stuck in my head for the rest of the night
ben would be proud, i tapped out the pattern
but kaprosy would be mad, i'm not using comma's correctly.
this weekend is about to be nuts again.
i get to see joey play again.
and i.
am.
really.
excited.
i really would have loved him coming to the party
but i understand.
kindofnotreallyijustwantedhimtocome.
but it's okay because of the video post
which uhm is the cutest thing ever
and he'll be surprised to see me
i'm bringing more art
and my valentine for him
and a translation of it haha.

and is there

way to search new blogs and NOT have them be in like japanese or french or something?
i tried sneaking in an exclamation point- guess the rule still stands.
have a great tuesday everyone. [which in parallelism is actually referring to just one]

ohthereisa

big storm going on outside[insert exclamation point]
so yesterday was the day of injury man.
i was stapling my homework sheets [which i got 100% on] and i jabbed myself with the staple and had to go get a bandage
and then i tripped on the chords for the lights in photo
and then i slammed my thumb in the door of my locker. so. haha. it was like 1..2..3..okay[insert exclamation point] i'm fine [insert exclamation point] (I guess those are illegal characters here?)
but then i hit my head on the freezer and stubbed my toe on the grocery cart.
i guess my number is 5 instead of 3.
and in five days...speaking of segways? like that?
i'mhavingmyparty. we're buying so much stuff.
i keep thinking that it's friday so far because i'm so excited.
joe said he was coming so that'sgreat. i had to try not to get my hopes up and i still have to remember to be like calmish about the whole process. i'm just so excitied.
i really wanted him to be there :]
i was talking to tali and we were like how would we introduce him? and then jesse fisher was like are you talking about facebook?[stupid exclamation point rule sucking my excitement out] and i wasn't sure if she was like interested or like taunting us?
so i was just like 'yeah.' and went back to selling bagels.
annie emailed me back last night and i got a nice boy honesty box 'quite possibly the coolest person i know' and of course the only thing about those is that i want to know who sent it haha.
it could have been jake, he was commenting on videos and writing on my wall-maybe he just added that to the package. but it's tougher because like you don't have to be 'friends'friends to write in it so it could have been anyone. but whoever, it was sweet. i was hoping it wasn't creepster and i'm glad that it wasn't. i made a new cover for my new journal last night- it's okay. i still love the other one more but i guess that this'll have to do until i can make it as huge as the other one. it's just kind of boring now is all but i guess so was the other one at the beginning.
i have to remember that we have portfolios due tomorrow for our ap entrance- i'm pretty sure if you sign up and you're like fine, they take you. scheduling classes this year was so stupid and it's going to be so messed up; i can only imagine. since it's storming bad again, we're going to shut down the computerss.

a toast

so i was checking my grades.
i'm not pleased that my spanish went to a B+ after all that.
but it's like a B+ .2 percent away from an A so yknow that's okay.
it's a new semester.
i'm ready to make some people proud.
including myself.
and fuck my dad right now about it.
i mean come on,
i'm not like my friends yknow
and i'm not like my brother either
but i have to be willing to stop saying that just because i'm not like them
doesn't mean that i can't get to be like them
and get the grades i know i can get
so let's just start over
because i'm glad with what i had
and i'm glad of what is coming ahead
and i'm toasting it off
with kool-aid. :]

i really enjoy

fortune cookies.
and i've dipped into some pretty sweet music lately.
-jamie cullum's pointless nostalgic (in particular: well you needn't)
-the hoodies (in particular: asleep in me)
-school boy humor (in particular: summer camp)
-jamestown story (in particular: goodbye i'm sorry)
-clap your hands say yeah (in particular: over and over again)
-joe hendrickson's standing in, blending out (in particular: love me the same)

-PENSIVE (in particular: red letter day)

-nikki goodrich (in particular: i'm gonna be your bride)
and i've got the general feel gooders with:
-citizen cope
-gavin degraw
-horrorpops
-the hush sound
-madison rose
-just off turner
-backseat goodbye
-my american heart
-pj harvey
-michael greenberg
-the spill canvas
-meg & dia
-jonathan clay
and of course my big if i met him i'd die mr john mayer
got my addiction too? share what you want. i love the linkage.
music is the cure. [haa, i crack myself up]
and much better than my chem final.
i'm taking that in 30 minutos. cheer me on?

inspiration

so the
weekend is almost over- we had our kallah.
it was pretty intense, we were always doing something for someone.
they gave us walkie talkies which was pretty cool.
i tried to fit in best i could but i liked having a little safety net to jump into
when i was too uncomfortable.
i cried a little in the bathroom on saturday night towards the end.
i reminded myself that it was only one weekend and all i had to do was have fun.
i danced the next dance but i took time to "hide out" like tali said.
i guess it insulted me
i mean i was trying.
and so i was just trying to fit in but i knew i didn't really.
someone asked me if i'd go to spring
i won't. i won't have a next to be in if i do.
i'm just more comfortable
on a smaller level.
i'll work on it.
maybe.
but-

"i think i've learned tonight how inspiration can run in circles .. and come back to hit you right when you need it."

so.
maybe it'll be okay if i let it hit me when i need it.
because right now,
i'd like to be hit
and hit hard.

the rain finally stopped

"I think it's stopped raining"
"Maybe it finally has"

i think it's going to be alright now.
i wasn't so sure there for awhile ..
but this will fix things up real nice.
i told my dad that i needed to escape,
that i needed this.
and i do. and i think when i walk in, i'll be alright.
i know that this will work.
i really do.

and yeahhhh ..
why's that? why has all the storm gone away?
because that's right.

i'm going to columbus tonight.
whatttt?
to see that boyy. ^
up there.
right there.

excited? much? [that's an understatement folk]
oh yess. i'm sososooooooooooooo so. so...... soso hyped.
i can't even describe what i'm feeling about going.
wait. what's that? happiness? pure? happiness?
i know things can't be bad forever.
i mean, they have to get better, right?
and so, why not let them get better tonight.
this is going to work - this is going. to. work.

and while i'm there,
getting my soul and heart
and mind and body re-energized,
...
you all should listen to his music.
because it's amazing.
beyond amazing. indescribably amazing.
really, it's amazing.

Joseph Conrad:
who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word but the naked terror? to the lonely themselves it wears a mask.
the most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.

Michael Greenberg

From the first note of A Touch So Pure to the last strum of Valentine, Michael Greenberg wraps you up warm with a blanket of lyrics and tucks you in with musical medleys. You’ll wake up with his tunes on your lips and his chords ringing in your ears.

Catchy, light guitar work accompanies cute openings and clever endings in songs such as Tag Along, where you might just leave feeling hungrier than you came. We left without questioning won’t have you asking anything but where and when you can get your hands on a fresh batch of Michael’s work.

Greenberg will sweep you into listening for a full 11 minutes with his narrative-esque song of The Truth of Bees and Birds. A fresh sound in both Blue and Portrait of Katy flutter the heart and Michael’s rich voice adds to making every song stand strongly on their own. Each song, however, compliments the next perfectly on his first full length album “The Truth of Bees and Birds” His slightly scruffy beard, dreamy eyes, and concentrated smile give a peek into where the inspiration sprouts from for this emerging undergrad.

Take your time, he’ll always be there but don’t wait too long- it’ll only take one chance to see all the signs pointing ‘yes’ to exploring the world Michael Greenberg will invite you in to show you what love is really like through the six strings of his guitar and the soft sound of his singing. Now go kids, go get serenaded at a coffee shop nearest you.

fuck

so something i've noticed.

everyone either
1) has depression
2) is developing depression
3) is suicidal
4) has an eating disorder
5) has sex
6) wants to have sex

everyone under any of the 6 choices is
1) a sophmore
2) slump[ed]
3) in my group of friends
4) deciding to tell me about it without waiting for the person before them to get over themselves

nice, huh.

two quick things i noticed

since my blog is now white again.
i can put different colored text
[would you be my friend if i typed like that 24/7? i wouldn't :] ]
and have it show.
i flagged and unflagged my blog about 6 times in panic.
but it's all good.
and now kids;

the time for sleep.
is now.

so i avoided

this blog for a mini second.
because i thought that it was still a black background
and not that that was a problem, after all i picked in
but i much rather enjoy chad sugg and the green.

and i also enjoyed:
it being the weekend
black chip raspberry icecream
looking cool in matt's car
reading chapter 14
watching While You Were Sleeping (it got so cute at the end)
finding a slew of new music
and more de capulet finally downloaded.
er i mean, somehow legally going onto Harrison

but then again i didn't really like:
seeing that D (THOUGH it is a very high D, just 2% from a C again so it'll be fine)
for APUSH because i know i'm not trying hard enough
feeling slightly nauseous after eating my salad
(and then eating strange butter)
not being able to not obsess over messages
it being the end of the weekend

let's compare: 6 enjoy[ed]
4 [not]enjoy
- the weekend yay and nah cancel:

so it was a good sunday :]

i just am:

W&skadjs76S^%*&*)(sakjsyhd^

and

Kjhdskdsa11*&weuysdhsdy

and

7^%Ssadkjsadlkdsjdskfy78^%Dsz.


aka. stressed.

when this

day/week is over i'll be
-happier
-sleeping again
-going to homecoming
-counting down to new york and chicago
-figuring out why i've felt sick on and off for the last week?
-wishing the next one didn't start so soon.

speak slow, tell me love where do we go... ah ah
where do we go...ah ah
i'm so far away and i just can't see you i'm
so far along and i just don't need you
i am so ah-alone

Jane

Jane

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

When you tossed over a thinning bundle

Of green yarn with the softest handle

Your smile met my unsure eyes

Silencing any goodbye

That would inevitably have to come only a few days later

When the summer would be a traitor

To the fall and then the winter

Leaving us behind to blunder

But not alone

Because now I see there won’t be any unknown

For whenever I get weak,

I can just imagine you speak

The words you said to me; the compliments you paid

That day with other details fading

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

Tears dripping elegantly down your small face

You embraced

Me so tightly

The whisper only slightly

In my ear of how

Just now

You listened to my ‘xtreme’

(We’ll always cherish that theme)

And you were proud, in awe even

But you didn’t hear my thoughts of how you had given me something to believe in

From that confidence

And patience

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

The late night talks you and I had made

Promises wrapped tightly around crayons, bathroom stalls and parades

Down uneven asphalt roads

Supposedly empty; until found by loads

With dancing flashlights, a flickering moonlight

There was no invite

But then again, none of them were uptight

The footsteps we took after the unexpected encounter

Had a fainter fluster

Though our giggles couldn’t be suppressed

Echoes from the two of us awfully impressive

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

I’m remembering that day

From the place I’ll always want to stay

The latest hug

So snug that it could have been a wonder drug

Your sniffles into my sleeve

Breaking my heart for I knew we’d have to leave

Though I had tried to be naïve

And weaving my fingers into yours one last time,

I tried to hold off in the meantime

My own tears followed by my own reluctance

From the upcoming absence and silence

Without you

The only saving grace being my feet housed by “J.C” socks stuffed into painted red shoes

I snagged from your shelf to my bag two years ago

To ensure a glow

When I was ready to toss in the towel

But found myself on a dial

To hear your sweet voice more

This year as sophomores

And then the infinite next

When we’re both vexed

But now, you won’t have to worry anymore or shed a single other tear

I’ll be here to lend an ear
My dear

Because you can always go back to this praise

I’ll be remembering these days

Left now is the smile you showed

Giving me a code

To press into the keypad on my heart

With the picture of you always saved as a work of art

For your beauty doesn’t falter

And your love never alters

predictions

so i'm starting back on monday.
and i'm making myself a list of things that i want to have accomplished by the end of it. freshman year was one thing in itself. there were a lot of things that i expected to happen that didn't, a lot of things that happened that i didn't expect. maybe if i set them myself, i'll be more in control:

get a B+ in spanish [ ]
feel comfortable in photo [ ]
not get discouraged in APUSH [ ]
stay on top of studying [ ]
not get lower than a C+/B- on any of my finals [ ]
visit marci [ ]
try harder to get along with my mom [ ]
get kissed [ ]
learn to drive [ ]
do well, "not just passing", on the OGT's [ ]
make less mistakes [ ]
keep my friendships [ ]
babysit catie and allie [ ]
feel inspired to play [ ]
run at least once a week [ ]
feel good about who i am and what i look like [ ]
keep promises [ ]
snowboard in ski club [ ]
go to a concert [ ]
write my letters [ ]
keep going to temple [ ]
visit katia [ ]
send hilary her birthday package [ ]
take steps back when i feel overwhelmed [ ]
not to overload my schedule [ ]
balance peer pressure better [ ]
make a difference [ ]

the tally will be taken last day of school.

well.

so the last time that i talked to tj was over a week ago; we were supposed to get together to paint his guitar and i dunno, schedules conflicted and we never ended up getting together. so for a few days after that i just kind of let things be but then i called on sunday, left a message, called on monday, left a message, called today, left a message. i mean- school is starting monday [insert thunderclap here and lights dimming] but i would kind of like to see him or at least talk to him before then. and since i only have one way of talking to him, phone, it makes things more difficult because i can't email him or IM him and i guess that's my own fault for falling into modern ways of communication but i dunno, things would be easier that way. i think the thing that's starting to bother me is that i don't know where he is or what is going on. i mean if i knew he was on vacation or at work or something, that would be fine. but i dont want to have to start worrying that like something bad happened? i worry about that too often anyways. i was considering writing him a letter, we've done letters, but i dunno. i just wish i knew what was going on because i can't ask anyone, i don't know anyone that would know where he was.

that's just on top of my work that i had intended to finish.
i dunno. optimism! let's try to remember that one.

mike the mailman

so basically i was going to get into this blog and the 'we'll remember your password' thing ran out of time and i was left trying to remember what it could possibly be. so i figured, i'd just send a little 'you were supposed to remember this and now that you aren't then i need an email to reset it' message to my email. i go to my email and not one but four emails are there explaining how i should reset my password. as i was trying to figure out why i had four and how to reset it, i remembered my old password and went back to the homepage and logged in.

so i've been waiting anxiously for my schedule since i realized school will actually come like it has every other year and that maybe i'll be less nervous once i get my list [haha, who am i kidding]
today everyone else got theirs mid morning and i began pacing and wondering why we had to get our mail mid afternoon instead. however, i've always loved mike the mailman, mike came to our house early today! thrilling the experience was. so i got advanced photography like i wanted, have a nice lunch and good spanish class. three things i was worried about can now go away. now don't think that just because those things went vamos that the rest of it will be a breeze. but i am going to chicago in october and i have to remember that i have got to push myself for that. i want to be on my A game this year, no more 'meh meh i'm a little freshman and high school is for tough guys and i'm not'. no no, it'll be more like 'oh man, i am that tough guy, look at me go'


and then i'll drop my books and get lost in the hallways. but i can dream.
so take this, little good listener blog, as my promise that i won't be on a C or D game but an A game. alriiiight.

wrapped in a bow

oh blog i am quite sorry for neglecting you so.
i must say i've been unfaithful and given mr. livejournal more attention.
but here! alas! a journal entry from me to you wrapped in a bow!

ah the wrath of an angry sophomore at 3am.
so since i've dubbed 'allowed to be angry' onto myself;
i'll continue.
i've been working[prettyfairlyreally]hard on a history essay and only to my dismay [imayhaverealizedthisfromthegetgobutbeen

toostubborn] that my SUMMARY is almost three pages. uhm, the WHOLE THING has to be from 2-3. that would mean about one sentence to describe the murderer, two sentences to say two things i liked and didn't like about the book, and maybe if i'm lucky two sentences about the author's perspective. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhshit.
so once again, i take my mouse, and highlightandcut 10 sentences and dull down the other 20 so that i can write in the goddamn length requirement.
and to think that some kids have trouble writing two pages.
i wouldnt have so much of a problem if i didn't have to fucking double space it.
that makes some kids really happy. no,no, not me. not miss lets write a novel for every paper.
sakdjsakdjsdjksaasaksajdsakeuwieusa8desajkdjsakjsdkw3k298ekdqsadkj*&#jkskdjsad8&Ea83o8fdsajd.
and THAT'S even too long ^^
goodfuckingnightfuckers

oh too sad. you were hoping it was a NICE post? ahh. no wayy.

ah.

some thoughts:
a) i think tonight is going to start some very nice things for me.
b) i was at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding and i've always loved the idea of a wedding and how pretty a wedding can be, how sweet the couple is together.
c) irony plays a part and i am now in a reeeeeelatioship.
d) i'm already comfortable and ready to see where things go, how things work and what things are
e) it's about time
f) gooooood love is on the way


and a ps by the way: i could really go for a big glass of lemonade.
thats all folks <333

the awakening.

Read by Jason Heymann at the Anaf Campfires, Kallah Aleph, 2007.
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening…

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella (or vice versa) and that in the real world, there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process: a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything: it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt, responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the person on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love: and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 2 or 30 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.”

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and you won’t settle for less. You internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our sould; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving worth working for and that wishing for something to happen in different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers, it’s just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted: things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

backseat goodbye never gets old.

here's to you.
*cracks open assorted alcohol.
and what's this? you can drink it too?
jesus, why, that's fantastic!
you are the single greatest inspiration.

and to all of you that have no idea who i'm talking about- shame, shame.
chad sugg (backseat goodbye) is the best lyricist you can ever come across.
i don't know if you think that you've found your favorite band yet but if you haven't, and even if you have, he's your man. go now and swim around in his music.

june!

today was my last day of the hell week aka finals.
oh i am super happy.
there isn't any way to describe all the good things that happened to me today.
so! i'll list them all!

-multi grain cereal
-freshly sharpened pencils
-a ride to school
-desks on a slant facing NOT uphill
-cookies for lunch
-having a half an hour break where there was the potential to study but by the time that we all got to the cafeteria, it was time to go back
-not throwing up from the UPHILL desks
-A PERFECT AFTERNOON
-MY IPOD ARRIVING
-boston market for dinner
-donuts and muffins on sale
-putting a penny on the ground face up for someone to find
-figuring out that my iPod will. in fact. fit. in. my. pocket.
-eating the boston market
-sharing the news of my PERFECT AFTERNOON with everyone i know
-figuring out how to put the videos back on my camera after deleting them off of it
-one tree hill episode before season finale
-staying up late to play with my iPod and NOT HAVING TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.
-or for the rest of the summer
-SIX DAYS LEFT BEFORE I GO HOME AGAIN.

ps. i love you all.