i realized today as i was walking around in the afternoon
with a new color photograph in my hands -
that i really, really am happiest in the darkroom.
i went in with a goal today. i told myself that i was going to get this photo printed.
and i did. i got it done. i'll be posting my pictures starting tomorrow.
just to remind myself where i'm happiest right now.
from the outside looking in, i suppose you could say.
tomorrow is friday. the start of a new weekend.
and then there will be a new week.
everyone is stressed out. and sick. and frustrated. and tired.
but i think there's moments every day where we find out where we're most happy.
and today, it was in the darkroom.
tomorrow, it may be at the temple. it may be at home. it may be in my room.
but there's got to be a place i can look forward to going, that i can run to when things are hard
and i've been wanting to hang out in the dark for a few days now.
the darkroom did wonders on me today. we'll see what happens tomorrow.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
my dream
i feel like everything is slowly slipping out my control.
it's not that everything is gone, it's that everything is going.
i don't want to hang out with anyone. i don't want to do my school work.
i had a dream last night that i was at a wedding in a coffee shop.
and then afterwards, i walked out of the door and i went to the library.
and then i went to MY apartment in what i'm assuming had to be chicago
because northwestern was across the street from it.
it was the same apartment that i've been dreaming of for years -
big, empty [until the "bedroom"], white walls, big bed, one huge window.
and mine. and i always dream waking up with someone next to me and letting
them hold me in their arms as the sun wakes up.
this morning, i woke up in my crowded, little, cluttered room.
alone. my iPod headphones were the only things keeping me company.
i just can't wait to get out of here - out of this schedule.
out of being stressed out 24/7. out of ignoring what i want and letting people have what they want instead. out of trying to pretend that i'm happy.
and actually getting away. and getting happy.
i said i was going week by week -
this week is tough. so was last week.
i know i can get through it -
i just thought i'd get through it with a little more air left in my lungs and a little more hop in my step.
but that's me dreaming again.
it's not that everything is gone, it's that everything is going.
i don't want to hang out with anyone. i don't want to do my school work.
i had a dream last night that i was at a wedding in a coffee shop.
and then afterwards, i walked out of the door and i went to the library.
and then i went to MY apartment in what i'm assuming had to be chicago
because northwestern was across the street from it.
it was the same apartment that i've been dreaming of for years -
big, empty [until the "bedroom"], white walls, big bed, one huge window.
and mine. and i always dream waking up with someone next to me and letting
them hold me in their arms as the sun wakes up.
this morning, i woke up in my crowded, little, cluttered room.
alone. my iPod headphones were the only things keeping me company.
i just can't wait to get out of here - out of this schedule.
out of being stressed out 24/7. out of ignoring what i want and letting people have what they want instead. out of trying to pretend that i'm happy.
and actually getting away. and getting happy.
i said i was going week by week -
this week is tough. so was last week.
i know i can get through it -
i just thought i'd get through it with a little more air left in my lungs and a little more hop in my step.
but that's me dreaming again.
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Weepies: Not Dead Yet
"It's hard to say what you mean to me
Everyone is scenery
So you take a late night drive alone
Trying to get home
Oh come on, come on, come on
Give me a sign of life
'Cause there's another way that I'd rather be
If I could only get you alone
It's an inside joke that I never get
And I'm dying inside but I'm not dead yet
Everyone is beautiful, traffic like a funeral
And everybody tries to keep in touch
Through the radio
I guess you'd say you still are mine
Never mind the years of waste time
I'll see you much later on
After everybody else is gone
Wasted on a Saturday, join the Great Majority
With all the ways I tried to keep in touch
That you will never know
Oh come on, come on, come on
Give me a sign of life
'Cause there's another way that I'd rather be
If I could only get you alone
It's an inside joke that I never get
And I'm dying inside but I'm not dead yet"
oh this is not going to be a good week.
everyone is catching up with this depression mood
except for some of those kids that are still having fun with that life of theirs.
and they should. but they should also share a little too. that'd be nice.
from yesterday morning to the afternoon to the evening, it was a giant rollercoaster.
but i think it'd be fair to say we're all itching to get out of this town
and get away from everyone.
i thought i'd take to you - but i didn't.
and im not sure who else to talk to; i told you that. that i couldn't talk to anyone here anymore.
so i'm not dead yet, but i'm dying.
"i don't know why it takes so long"
this morning when i woke up, i thought it was sunday.
i thought i was going to have a great day - after all, i love going to sunday school. that i love doing.
regular school though? where half the kids are making out and the other half are kicking them?
so it's monday. and it's raining. and i remember last year we used to be cynical together and we used to talk all the time about how bad things were and how we couldn't wait to get out of here. now you're happy. and i want you to be happy. but i just wish i wasn't so sad myself. because you don't see it anymore by the way. you don't ask anymore.
i'm just glad that it's almost november.
finally.
people's moods are matching the weather.
finally.
"It's hard to say what you mean to me
Everyone is scenery
So you take a late night drive alone
Trying to get home
Oh come on, come on, come on
Give me a sign of life
'Cause there's another way that I'd rather be
If I could only get you alone
It's an inside joke that I never get
And I'm dying inside but I'm not dead yet
Everyone is beautiful, traffic like a funeral
And everybody tries to keep in touch
Through the radio
I guess you'd say you still are mine
Never mind the years of waste time
I'll see you much later on
After everybody else is gone
Wasted on a Saturday, join the Great Majority
With all the ways I tried to keep in touch
That you will never know
Oh come on, come on, come on
Give me a sign of life
'Cause there's another way that I'd rather be
If I could only get you alone
It's an inside joke that I never get
And I'm dying inside but I'm not dead yet"
oh this is not going to be a good week.
everyone is catching up with this depression mood
except for some of those kids that are still having fun with that life of theirs.
and they should. but they should also share a little too. that'd be nice.
from yesterday morning to the afternoon to the evening, it was a giant rollercoaster.
but i think it'd be fair to say we're all itching to get out of this town
and get away from everyone.
i thought i'd take to you - but i didn't.
and im not sure who else to talk to; i told you that. that i couldn't talk to anyone here anymore.
so i'm not dead yet, but i'm dying.
"i don't know why it takes so long"
this morning when i woke up, i thought it was sunday.
i thought i was going to have a great day - after all, i love going to sunday school. that i love doing.
regular school though? where half the kids are making out and the other half are kicking them?
so it's monday. and it's raining. and i remember last year we used to be cynical together and we used to talk all the time about how bad things were and how we couldn't wait to get out of here. now you're happy. and i want you to be happy. but i just wish i wasn't so sad myself. because you don't see it anymore by the way. you don't ask anymore.
i'm just glad that it's almost november.
finally.
people's moods are matching the weather.
finally.
well, most of them anyways are struggling.
so i'm talking to all of you, any of you reading this.
and then i'm trying to talk to you but you're not here.
and then there's you - who is here. but doesn't listen.
and then there's you - who isn't here and did listen but doesn't care.
that's not true. you care. you just care more about your things. which is how it should be, i guess.
i mean, isn't that how this summer fell apart? because you all decided to stay home and rough it there instead of our home in
and by the way, are you going to tell me you aren't going?
because i told. she told me. coward.
next time we actually talk? i'm asking. but whenever that'll be.
i'm over making plans with you all and having you guys cancel.
so that's why i'm always staying in. none of you appeal to me anymore.
and i certainly don't want to spread my infectious attitude of this .. mood around to any of you.
i'm just in a rotten mood.
obviously.
i can't wait for winter.
it better stay cold and wet and then it better snow.
because i can't take sunshine.
and today starts another LONG week of school.
that'll fix me up good, right?
wrong. man. i'm just so mad at everyone again.
the world. i'm mad at the world.
everyone is either a too much of a coward
or too confident for their own good.
so to those of you making out and loving life - get kicked.
just metaphorically. just feel it in your head, your pretty little heads for a second
that there's the rest of us.
and that you should ask how we are.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
the rock
so i didn't cry as much as i thought
but in turn, it hurt more than i thought.
more of an uncomfortable discontent.
it's strange - i thought i'd be broken
but i'm just .. sad. and tired.
sad and tired.
and by the way, completely unmotivated
to do anything involving school work.
but i don't want to call until i do more work.
but i need you - you said to call if i needed you.
so i'll call. and i've been battling with what to say.
probably that i need you and i need a beautiful story.
i certainly don't have one.
i'm anticipating a funk.
but a different kind of funk than before -
the funk before was .. strange, cold, numb.
now it's hurt. a strange hurt; a new kind of hurt.
i have a rock in my right pocket from the turned dirt a few rows over
to put down for when i go back
i couldn't let it go, i had to keep it.
i made a deal though. i told her that i'd come back and that i'd put it down then.
i talked to her for awhile and i let her listen to some music.
told her i needed to say goodbye and i was sorry if i was disappointing her.
and then i started to hurt. there's just a little hole that got poked through my heart
and it's just opening up further and deeper .. that's a new hurt.
so i'll call you because i need you. i'm going to ask for a beautiful story to help fill this void.
we'll see what we can come up with ..
but in turn, it hurt more than i thought.
more of an uncomfortable discontent.
it's strange - i thought i'd be broken
but i'm just .. sad. and tired.
sad and tired.
and by the way, completely unmotivated
to do anything involving school work.
but i don't want to call until i do more work.
but i need you - you said to call if i needed you.
so i'll call. and i've been battling with what to say.
probably that i need you and i need a beautiful story.
i certainly don't have one.
i'm anticipating a funk.
but a different kind of funk than before -
the funk before was .. strange, cold, numb.
now it's hurt. a strange hurt; a new kind of hurt.
i have a rock in my right pocket from the turned dirt a few rows over
to put down for when i go back
i couldn't let it go, i had to keep it.
i made a deal though. i told her that i'd come back and that i'd put it down then.
i talked to her for awhile and i let her listen to some music.
told her i needed to say goodbye and i was sorry if i was disappointing her.
and then i started to hurt. there's just a little hole that got poked through my heart
and it's just opening up further and deeper .. that's a new hurt.
so i'll call you because i need you. i'm going to ask for a beautiful story to help fill this void.
we'll see what we can come up with ..
her
"there's something about marci gorospe that only a few in this world have. she was a beautiful, young, intelligent, caring and patient woman who deserved none of this pain. for the months that we knew her, mrs. gorospe would smile as if she were on top of the world even though she couldn't have been any lower down. no one told her directly how much we loved her and now we can't which shows you that we must live in the moment, and truly thank those who make our lives worth living. she obviously had no choice to live the life her husband forced upon her for she was too sweet and loving of a person to try and escape the disgusting hold he had on her. there are no words on how much marci made us love coming to school to simply see her eccentrically optimistic attitude, setting everyone before her needs. there may have been signs, there may not have been. but all we know is that now one of god's angels is murdered for the satisfaction of the sickest monster on this earth. rest in peace mrs. gorospe for you will be missed, loved, and remembered eternally."
i had no idea. i wrote a poem:
As the sharp point penetrates the skin
Warm blood rushes from the wound
Like Pandora's box
Evil runs a trail along side innocence
Cleanliness merges with filth
There's no explanation for the scar
That will soon form from the weakness
Constant reminder
Of pain and suffering
Re-surfacing when irritated and
Disturbed
Never will it be covered
Or cleaned
For as the sharp point penetrates skin
Warm blood will rush from
The wound
[to be continued]
at that point, no actual cutting had occurred. but that shows i guess how early on my mind it was. that was the first of October that year.
then on the 15th, i wrote:
"when you can't lean on anyone else
you learn the most about yourself."
it's ironic on how one spends their whole life trying to discover who they are but who ever says that that someone actually wants to? i sure don't want to know who i am, i'm already seeing peaks and points of that and i don't like it. of course, i'm too much of a wimp to take control and not continue to swerve off the sides of the road because my hands shake too much everytime i try to take the wheel. i'll admit it, i'm a music addict and i have no plans of cutting off cold turkey any time soon because i think that would create some sort of universal shutdown. but i'd like to ask why i believe those lyrics in love songs or become teary in romantic movies. oh okay, i'm a girl so that means i'm automatically going to be as emotional as the next woman who walks past me. not exactly that textbook. and no, we're not all created the same way because who ever believed that in the beginning? maybe i'm preaching to the wrong choir here but i'm really just doing this all for me. there's only so much that any one at all understands about each other whether they be young, old, boy, girl, whatever. but then again, there is only so much that each of those whatevers can know about themselves. and again, so much that we want to know. trust me, when you feel lonely, the last thing you want to do is get down and dirty with your own mind and delve into the depths of hell. i dont know about you but i dont have any intention of figuring out what i'm all about because at least i know that whatever is going in my imagination, is something that i don't particually want to open. so when you have no one to lean on, when you feel like giving up, and maybe i'll admit that i'm feeling pretty much like turning in the towel, do you really learn the most about yourself? or do you just look at your hands shaking and let go of the wheel?
and then on the 28th, obviously the post. i didn't write again until November eighth and i wrote about masked silence where i struggled again about who i was supposed to be and how i was struggling with isolation and separation.
all those issues are still here, it's two years later, and today. i'm visiting her.
i had no idea. i wrote a poem:
As the sharp point penetrates the skin
Warm blood rushes from the wound
Like Pandora's box
Evil runs a trail along side innocence
Cleanliness merges with filth
There's no explanation for the scar
That will soon form from the weakness
Constant reminder
Of pain and suffering
Re-surfacing when irritated and
Disturbed
Never will it be covered
Or cleaned
For as the sharp point penetrates skin
Warm blood will rush from
The wound
[to be continued]
at that point, no actual cutting had occurred. but that shows i guess how early on my mind it was. that was the first of October that year.
then on the 15th, i wrote:
"when you can't lean on anyone else
you learn the most about yourself."
it's ironic on how one spends their whole life trying to discover who they are but who ever says that that someone actually wants to? i sure don't want to know who i am, i'm already seeing peaks and points of that and i don't like it. of course, i'm too much of a wimp to take control and not continue to swerve off the sides of the road because my hands shake too much everytime i try to take the wheel. i'll admit it, i'm a music addict and i have no plans of cutting off cold turkey any time soon because i think that would create some sort of universal shutdown. but i'd like to ask why i believe those lyrics in love songs or become teary in romantic movies. oh okay, i'm a girl so that means i'm automatically going to be as emotional as the next woman who walks past me. not exactly that textbook. and no, we're not all created the same way because who ever believed that in the beginning? maybe i'm preaching to the wrong choir here but i'm really just doing this all for me. there's only so much that any one at all understands about each other whether they be young, old, boy, girl, whatever. but then again, there is only so much that each of those whatevers can know about themselves. and again, so much that we want to know. trust me, when you feel lonely, the last thing you want to do is get down and dirty with your own mind and delve into the depths of hell. i dont know about you but i dont have any intention of figuring out what i'm all about because at least i know that whatever is going in my imagination, is something that i don't particually want to open. so when you have no one to lean on, when you feel like giving up, and maybe i'll admit that i'm feeling pretty much like turning in the towel, do you really learn the most about yourself? or do you just look at your hands shaking and let go of the wheel?
and then on the 28th, obviously the post. i didn't write again until November eighth and i wrote about masked silence where i struggled again about who i was supposed to be and how i was struggling with isolation and separation.
all those issues are still here, it's two years later, and today. i'm visiting her.
Friday, October 24, 2008
10/25/08
"I'm bleeding where I bled
I'm hiding where I hid
I'm entertained in sicker things"
Sunday is going to be hard. The cemetery? That's going to be tough.
It's like these past couple of days - I don't want to sleep.
I'm scared of my thoughts.
I'm scared of my nightmares.
I'm scared. I'm sad. And I AM tired. I just don't want to sleep - I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that I'll wake up and everything will be gone. I don't know what I want to do.
I want to run around and just collect everything and put it all in a suitcase.
And run away with it. Run away from this place and these thoughts.
Because I can't sleep, I don't want to. I'm scared. I'm scared to cry and I'm scared of my nightmares. Those are so new I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with them .. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep - I'm afraid. I'm just really, really, really. Scared.
I'm hiding where I hid
I'm entertained in sicker things"
Sunday is going to be hard. The cemetery? That's going to be tough.
It's like these past couple of days - I don't want to sleep.
I'm scared of my thoughts.
I'm scared of my nightmares.
I'm scared. I'm sad. And I AM tired. I just don't want to sleep - I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that I'll wake up and everything will be gone. I don't know what I want to do.
I want to run around and just collect everything and put it all in a suitcase.
And run away with it. Run away from this place and these thoughts.
Because I can't sleep, I don't want to. I'm scared. I'm scared to cry and I'm scared of my nightmares. Those are so new I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with them .. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep - I'm afraid. I'm just really, really, really. Scared.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
10/26/06
it's coming up and it took me by surprise last night;
i hope i have a better night tonight.
i don't remember having those kinds of nightmares before,
not at least past the night of and a few days following.
i just feel like all the life got sucked out me last night.
and i wanted to feel better waking up
and though i felt a lot better physically, i just feel kind of numb emotionally right now.
i've got a lot clouding my thoughts right now.
i think i'll try to go on Saturday.
i think i need to -
i think those horrible, horrible thoughts were telling me something.
it's time. i just hope i can do it, i don't know if i can. but i hope that i can.
it's just the same image in my head over and over
damn the newspapers for being so fucking descriptive.
it just hurts to picture this all over again.
last year, there weren't nightmares.
and that was the one year "anniversary"
but last year? just thinking about going put me in a horrible, horrible mood.
and it should. but i'm just worried i'm not strong enough to go.
i have to be though. i have to replace this image with a better one,
with a beautiful one. i can't be closing my eyes and seeing that.
and i can't have my eyes OPEN and be thinking that.
right now i'm just trying to block it out. just every time i start to think, just scramble it up.
and i guess i would feel empty or angry or sad even.
but right now i'm just numb.
it hit me so hard last night; that was a mess.
but now .. i don't know. i don't know if i can deal with everyone writing everything and saying everything. i don't know about that. adjksdk. i don't think i can do this.
i need to and i want to be able more than anything.
but it's going to be hard. and i don't know if i can do it. i really want to.
and i know if i bring it up, the whole mood will change. which it should.
but it's like i just want to go on my own.
that'd be the advantage.
that'd be better.
to go on my own.
this year i don't want to deal with anyone else's words.
but i dont think i'll be able to do that - i think i'll turn to someone.
i just don't know who. that's a lie, i do know who.
i just don't know if you'll be there for me.
this is so hard. i want the numbness so i don't feel pain.
but i need to feel the pain, i have to.
fuck. i don't know. i'm going to be so upset this time. i can feel it.
last year i thought i was getting better.
but be proof because of the summer, i'm not better.
i know that i'm not better but i thought i was getting there.
and i'm stuck. i'm like a car with the wrong wheels.
i can't go forward and i can't go back.
god. going back. those words stung a little.
i can't even go there.
going back would be .. indescribable.
ive thought that so. SO. SO. many times.
i can't and that hurts so. much.
that hurts an indescribable amount too.
fuck. i can't think about this.
going back? no. i can't.
but i want to. but i know i can't.
but that doesn't stop the fact that i WANT to.
god. ouch. now my heart hurts.
now i feel empty.
i don't know - i need to go .
but it's going to be hard.
so. so. so. hard.
but i have to go.
it's been two years.
well, it'll be two years.
god, i'm so fucked up from that.
i don't think i've ever realized that these two years have been really shit.
see? now i'm angry. what the fuck.
i just want to go back. i just want to save her. it's not fair.
that phone call. oh, god. i forgot about that phone call.
i didn't want to pick up the phone for weeks.
that was so. hard.
i didn't believe it.
i couldn't.
i still can't?
but my heart hurts now.
and i'm angry
and i'm upset.
in the course of .. 10 minutes? 20?
god. man. i have got to do it.
fuck. this is absolutely .. ouch.
it just hurts beyond i can describe.
what did i do? - letting these thoughts get in my head again.
well, c'mon sunday. i'm not ready for you at all.
i hope i have a better night tonight.
i don't remember having those kinds of nightmares before,
not at least past the night of and a few days following.
i just feel like all the life got sucked out me last night.
and i wanted to feel better waking up
and though i felt a lot better physically, i just feel kind of numb emotionally right now.
i've got a lot clouding my thoughts right now.
i think i'll try to go on Saturday.
i think i need to -
i think those horrible, horrible thoughts were telling me something.
it's time. i just hope i can do it, i don't know if i can. but i hope that i can.
it's just the same image in my head over and over
damn the newspapers for being so fucking descriptive.
it just hurts to picture this all over again.
last year, there weren't nightmares.
and that was the one year "anniversary"
but last year? just thinking about going put me in a horrible, horrible mood.
and it should. but i'm just worried i'm not strong enough to go.
i have to be though. i have to replace this image with a better one,
with a beautiful one. i can't be closing my eyes and seeing that.
and i can't have my eyes OPEN and be thinking that.
right now i'm just trying to block it out. just every time i start to think, just scramble it up.
and i guess i would feel empty or angry or sad even.
but right now i'm just numb.
it hit me so hard last night; that was a mess.
but now .. i don't know. i don't know if i can deal with everyone writing everything and saying everything. i don't know about that. adjksdk. i don't think i can do this.
i need to and i want to be able more than anything.
but it's going to be hard. and i don't know if i can do it. i really want to.
and i know if i bring it up, the whole mood will change. which it should.
but it's like i just want to go on my own.
that'd be the advantage.
that'd be better.
to go on my own.
this year i don't want to deal with anyone else's words.
but i dont think i'll be able to do that - i think i'll turn to someone.
i just don't know who. that's a lie, i do know who.
i just don't know if you'll be there for me.
this is so hard. i want the numbness so i don't feel pain.
but i need to feel the pain, i have to.
fuck. i don't know. i'm going to be so upset this time. i can feel it.
last year i thought i was getting better.
but be proof because of the summer, i'm not better.
i know that i'm not better but i thought i was getting there.
and i'm stuck. i'm like a car with the wrong wheels.
i can't go forward and i can't go back.
god. going back. those words stung a little.
i can't even go there.
going back would be .. indescribable.
ive thought that so. SO. SO. many times.
i can't and that hurts so. much.
that hurts an indescribable amount too.
fuck. i can't think about this.
going back? no. i can't.
but i want to. but i know i can't.
but that doesn't stop the fact that i WANT to.
god. ouch. now my heart hurts.
now i feel empty.
i don't know - i need to go .
but it's going to be hard.
so. so. so. hard.
but i have to go.
it's been two years.
well, it'll be two years.
god, i'm so fucked up from that.
i don't think i've ever realized that these two years have been really shit.
see? now i'm angry. what the fuck.
i just want to go back. i just want to save her. it's not fair.
that phone call. oh, god. i forgot about that phone call.
i didn't want to pick up the phone for weeks.
that was so. hard.
i didn't believe it.
i couldn't.
i still can't?
but my heart hurts now.
and i'm angry
and i'm upset.
in the course of .. 10 minutes? 20?
god. man. i have got to do it.
fuck. this is absolutely .. ouch.
it just hurts beyond i can describe.
what did i do? - letting these thoughts get in my head again.
well, c'mon sunday. i'm not ready for you at all.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
"everything's okay"
today can't be bad because
1. it's no longer monday.
2. it's not getting warmer than 48 degrees.
3. it's going to be windy and rainy along with that.
4. it's fun to walk home when you can get blown away.
5. it's super chilly.
*i know i already said that; but i am SO excited for the cold weather.
i've been waiting for this. i'm so excited. it's about to be a good day.
just because it's cold outside. i'm pumped. let's get this day started.
1. it's no longer monday.
2. it's not getting warmer than 48 degrees.
3. it's going to be windy and rainy along with that.
4. it's fun to walk home when you can get blown away.
5. it's super chilly.
*i know i already said that; but i am SO excited for the cold weather.
i've been waiting for this. i'm so excited. it's about to be a good day.
just because it's cold outside. i'm pumped. let's get this day started.
Monday, October 20, 2008
there's no point
in running if you don't run with me.
tonight was hard; which stunk because today was a pretty promising day.
i mean, to be fair, you did ask.
i just wasn't truthful.
i thought it might work if i told you and i told myself that i was treating things more positively.
but i think that i talked myself into something i didn't realize i'd actually have to DO to have it work. don't get me wrong, i didn't think that things would be easy but i thought they'd be easier if i were in that frame of mind. i'm just kind of going in circles and my approach is just to say that everything is alright. for your sake, for their sake, for my sake? tonight was hard.
and i'm sorry that i'm angry - it's not your fault. but you're confusing me. and i'm hurting still.
and tonight was just plain hard. i should go to bed; being sick takes a physical toll and it's starting to get into my head .. the whole sick mentality is messing with me making me think it's okay to be sluggish and not study, etc. but that's not right
- i'm not dying or anything, i have a cough.
so, tonight. hard. tomorrow. better?
ps. this week is so damn busy. i have a full week of school and "must attend" club meetings after school each day and then a busy friday night .. that is not going to help. see? that sick mentality.
i'm feeling bad for myself because i don't think anyone will feel bad for me. that's why i'm angry.
i didn't make myself feel better first and i should have because you asked and i didn't tell you what was really going on - that's not fair to anyone. tonight was just hard.
tonight was hard; which stunk because today was a pretty promising day.
i mean, to be fair, you did ask.
i just wasn't truthful.
i thought it might work if i told you and i told myself that i was treating things more positively.
but i think that i talked myself into something i didn't realize i'd actually have to DO to have it work. don't get me wrong, i didn't think that things would be easy but i thought they'd be easier if i were in that frame of mind. i'm just kind of going in circles and my approach is just to say that everything is alright. for your sake, for their sake, for my sake? tonight was hard.
and i'm sorry that i'm angry - it's not your fault. but you're confusing me. and i'm hurting still.
and tonight was just plain hard. i should go to bed; being sick takes a physical toll and it's starting to get into my head .. the whole sick mentality is messing with me making me think it's okay to be sluggish and not study, etc. but that's not right
- i'm not dying or anything, i have a cough.
so, tonight. hard. tomorrow. better?
ps. this week is so damn busy. i have a full week of school and "must attend" club meetings after school each day and then a busy friday night .. that is not going to help. see? that sick mentality.
i'm feeling bad for myself because i don't think anyone will feel bad for me. that's why i'm angry.
i didn't make myself feel better first and i should have because you asked and i didn't tell you what was really going on - that's not fair to anyone. tonight was just hard.
our lives
"so please be honest, what's it mean? now what have you done?
cant it just be another risk you're running tonight?
it's simple soaked and always on my mind
-i'm dying .. we've got these lives to lead. cut it out, don't think about it. cut it out, don't think about it, not now. we'll get through somehow .. this is only temporary"
-straylight run
it's a new week,
we'll see. one at a time - it'll be alright.
there's no reason to be worried.
i don't predict things going horribly bad this week, anyways.
i'll just put in the iPod and listen for awhile, i'm a little tired of talking all the time.
i think this week i'll just listen - next week, i'll respond.
cant it just be another risk you're running tonight?
it's simple soaked and always on my mind
-i'm dying .. we've got these lives to lead. cut it out, don't think about it. cut it out, don't think about it, not now. we'll get through somehow .. this is only temporary"
-straylight run
it's a new week,
we'll see. one at a time - it'll be alright.
there's no reason to be worried.
i don't predict things going horribly bad this week, anyways.
i'll just put in the iPod and listen for awhile, i'm a little tired of talking all the time.
i think this week i'll just listen - next week, i'll respond.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
ask me
"I need to know that your going to let me in, all the way"
"I will, okay? I'll let you in. It's just sometimes I'm afraid that if I do, you'll see the real me. The person I was before and I'm not proud of that person; the person I used to be"
But, see, I'm not afraid to let you in.
I'm dying to tell you everything - I really am.
But I need you to ask because I can't just tell you. I'm too afraid of what you'll say.
See, I'm not worried about telling you, I'm worried about what will happen next.
I know you won't like it and I know you won't feel the same.
But I am so, so needing to talk to you about all of this -
To let you in and let you stay with me until you've heard it all.
And then have you stay longer than that, have you stay here forever
So that I won't be afraid of what you'll say next -
I'm not afraid to let you in.
I'm dying to tell you everything - can't you just ask me what's going on?
I'd tell you, I would. I'd tell you everything and let you in all the time, every time.
To just know that your there, with me, whenever I need you.
But that's not what's going on. Because I really want to let you know
Everything that's going on.
So just ask me, I'll tell you what's going on. You used to ask.
Things were bad back then and I think you felt like you had to ask to make them seem better.
But things aren't any easier now and I need you to ask. With that tone of voice, that soft volume and that sympathetic sigh. C'mon - just ask I'll tell you. I will. I want to let you in and you have to let me have you be let in. Because it's getting cold - standing here all by myself just waiting for you. Just ask me and I'll tell you. Let me know that I can let you in and let you stay, that I won't have to be worried about where you'll go or who you'll tell or what you'll think - just that if I let you in, you'll want to be there. And that you'll stay. So just ask. I'll tell you.
"I will, okay? I'll let you in. It's just sometimes I'm afraid that if I do, you'll see the real me. The person I was before and I'm not proud of that person; the person I used to be"
But, see, I'm not afraid to let you in.
I'm dying to tell you everything - I really am.
But I need you to ask because I can't just tell you. I'm too afraid of what you'll say.
See, I'm not worried about telling you, I'm worried about what will happen next.
I know you won't like it and I know you won't feel the same.
But I am so, so needing to talk to you about all of this -
To let you in and let you stay with me until you've heard it all.
And then have you stay longer than that, have you stay here forever
So that I won't be afraid of what you'll say next -
I'm not afraid to let you in.
I'm dying to tell you everything - can't you just ask me what's going on?
I'd tell you, I would. I'd tell you everything and let you in all the time, every time.
To just know that your there, with me, whenever I need you.
But that's not what's going on. Because I really want to let you know
Everything that's going on.
So just ask me, I'll tell you what's going on. You used to ask.
Things were bad back then and I think you felt like you had to ask to make them seem better.
But things aren't any easier now and I need you to ask. With that tone of voice, that soft volume and that sympathetic sigh. C'mon - just ask I'll tell you. I will. I want to let you in and you have to let me have you be let in. Because it's getting cold - standing here all by myself just waiting for you. Just ask me and I'll tell you. Let me know that I can let you in and let you stay, that I won't have to be worried about where you'll go or who you'll tell or what you'll think - just that if I let you in, you'll want to be there. And that you'll stay. So just ask. I'll tell you.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
loneliness
"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically…to those who hardly think about us in return."
TH White
"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone."
Tennessee Williams
TH White
"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone."
Tennessee Williams
i'm going to sleep,
but i'm not tired.
i've got a lot on my mind.
really, it's only one thought.
with millions of tiny little thought-lettes.
branching off in a hundred different directions.
i just feel really small tonight.
and i'd like someone to make me feel like i'm their whole world -
that way, i'd be big. and i'd be protected.
and i'd be cared for
and hugged
and kissed
and just loved.
i think my need for affection is just going to continue to grow
until i can find some sort of outlet, some sort of plug to put it all into.
my heart wants what my head knows it can't have
and there's this barrier that's preventing me from being who i really want to be
and being where i really want to be.
i can't fall asleep - i wish someone would come to my bedroom window
and make me promises that i'm theirs. that i'm their world and they'll put me on top of it for the rest of our days together.
i know i'm young, i know that i've got plenty of time and that when it'll happen, it'll happen.
but it'd be better if it were tonight. i've wished for it many other times before.
how about working with me? getting it to come true? i'd like that.
you know i'd appreciate it if you'd come.
i just want to feel big again.
like someone needs me.
like someone wants me.
like someone likes me.
how about it? do we have a deal?
conversation piece
do you know
that my heart is beating really fast?
because it is, and it does, every time.
it just happens when we talk.
it's always happened.
no matter what i'm feeling,
my heart just takes off and doesn't settle
until hours after.
i wonder if you know that.
that my heart is beating really fast?
because it is, and it does, every time.
it just happens when we talk.
it's always happened.
no matter what i'm feeling,
my heart just takes off and doesn't settle
until hours after.
i wonder if you know that.
Friday, October 17, 2008
see you tomorrow morning
awesome. that's what this feeling is.
absolute and complete tiredness.
i don't think it's a good idea that
we're re-doing our lab in 45 minutes this morning ..
rather than the one and a half periods we had yesterday.
and i think it's worse because
we don't even know how we did it wrong?
and we have that stupid pep rally too.
i'm just really excited for this week to be over.
today is going to be a long. ass. day.
at least my paper is done.
chemistry, by the way, not even looked at.
awesome.
i forgot how frustrating school can be.
that's a lie, though.
i didn't forget.
it was just falsely simple those two days where we did nothing.
it was like a crash yesterday.
everything went wrong.
so, i mean, everything can't go wrong .. twice, right?
i hope not. i don't think i can stand that.
absolute and complete tiredness.
i don't think it's a good idea that
we're re-doing our lab in 45 minutes this morning ..
rather than the one and a half periods we had yesterday.
and i think it's worse because
we don't even know how we did it wrong?
and we have that stupid pep rally too.
i'm just really excited for this week to be over.
today is going to be a long. ass. day.
at least my paper is done.
chemistry, by the way, not even looked at.
awesome.
i forgot how frustrating school can be.
that's a lie, though.
i didn't forget.
it was just falsely simple those two days where we did nothing.
it was like a crash yesterday.
everything went wrong.
so, i mean, everything can't go wrong .. twice, right?
i hope not. i don't think i can stand that.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
who do you think you are?
"Shot through with adrenaline to fire up my excited heart
Help me believe in myself, get the starter to start"
i'm trying, by the way. i'm trying but it's really hard.
i guess i almost thought nothing was going to get into my way.
but that's not what happened at all - it's like i'm looking for obstacles to come my way
just so that i can have something to pity myself on.
i just want to stay home. and write.
that's got to be a step up from wanting to leave all the time, right?
but i think i'm trying to write myself a new life -
i've done that before. and i can't believe how far that one went.
but every story has to end sometime, right?
that one was good until it got bad - as logical as it sounds.
and then it got bad and i wanted out.
but that's the thing with writing;
when things get bad in the story, you just stop.
you kill off a character, you put on a new setting,
you start a new. chapter.
but i can't do that - i'm stuck with my story and all i can do
is keep writing and try and get myself out of some of these holes.
i guess my attempt to take off and just be was short lived.
i'm trying, it's hard, but i'm trying.
and i'm just tired.
is the other thing -
i'm just really tired.
i know that these all say the same things
so if anyone is reading,
this one is going to be different
only in the sense that .. there's another day when things are the same pain.
there's another night when i can't entertain
the idea of being alone and sleeping alone and waking up alone
and just walking through my day by myself.
i'm trying. but it's hard to try and not succeed.
that's what it comes down to.
i want to see results.
at this point you're probably thinking "you have to wait it out, wait out that storm and then it'll be good"
but i just want to write off the storm
and write in a little sunshine
but it's hard when the forecast
is predicting rain and cold for the next few days.
that's why things are hard -
it's not fun to be cheery when things are drippy.
my nose included.
all i know is come weekend,
i'm cranking out some stories.
that'll be a good time.
i'll wait out the storm inside my den,
wrapped up tight to keep everything mean at bay.
i'm just going to keep waiting it out.
i'm going to keep trying.
get a little extra sleep tonight.
or maybe just toss and turn.
but try, right? that's the key to this.
to write my way out when i've got nothing left.
and i know i have some things that need salvaging before i take off.
one city
Probably for every man there is at least one city that sooner or later turns into a girl. How well or how badly the man actually knew the girl doesn’t necessarily affect the transformation. She was there, and she was the whole city, and that’s that.
-J.D Salinger “A Girl I Knew”
I'm looking for my city these days.
You said I couldn't buy a plane ticket, realistically.
But that's just the reality of things - I'm just waiting it out
Until I can run. Run and run far. And run into my city where that boy is there for me.
One day, you'll realize I'm not here anymore. But then - it'll be okay.
Because I know that I'll run into his arms if I can get there fast enough.
And I will. I want it badly enough - I can make it happen. And it will.
So I'll keep looking for my city
Until I get on that plane and fly.
-J.D Salinger “A Girl I Knew”
I'm looking for my city these days.
You said I couldn't buy a plane ticket, realistically.
But that's just the reality of things - I'm just waiting it out
Until I can run. Run and run far. And run into my city where that boy is there for me.
One day, you'll realize I'm not here anymore. But then - it'll be okay.
Because I know that I'll run into his arms if I can get there fast enough.
And I will. I want it badly enough - I can make it happen. And it will.
So I'll keep looking for my city
Until I get on that plane and fly.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
misjudged
the weather isn't supposed to be getting warmer.
i want the kind of days where you don't do anything but stay in bed all day.
and i know that doesn't relate directly to the weather but i feel like that's a winter thing.
i've been going through kind of an up and down about everything lately.
i wish i could say i was really trying to make everything better.
but i'm too tired for that - when things want to get better, they can come find me.
we just got off of a long weekend and it definitely had some highlights.
but now i feel like the school week is going to be even tougher than usual.
and on top of that feeling, my nose is stuffed this morning.
i have to go to the therapist's today. which, i just realized, is a ridiculous sentence to write - it just looks silly. but either way, i don't want to go. last time things didn't go over so well. i think it's because i'm stubborn. and i thought things would either be horrible or be fantastic. and it's kind of middle of the road. i think part of my problem is i'm desperately in need of someone to talk to about all of this and i know i'm supposed to tell her but i can't. it was hard enough to tell her the first time and now it's worse. and that feeling of disappointment i was talking about before - i feel like i would disappoint her. and i really don't want another person disappointed. plus i don't know if i could put into words how i felt. or how i'm feeling, rather. i know vaguely that the cut is because i want that pain inside to be on the outside. but there's more there. there's got to be - otherwise, i'd be able to stop. and i was fine for awhile too. and then it just got out of control. and now the weather is getting warmer which i wasn't expecting
i want the kind of days where you don't do anything but stay in bed all day.
and i know that doesn't relate directly to the weather but i feel like that's a winter thing.
i've been going through kind of an up and down about everything lately.
i wish i could say i was really trying to make everything better.
but i'm too tired for that - when things want to get better, they can come find me.
we just got off of a long weekend and it definitely had some highlights.
but now i feel like the school week is going to be even tougher than usual.
and on top of that feeling, my nose is stuffed this morning.
i have to go to the therapist's today. which, i just realized, is a ridiculous sentence to write - it just looks silly. but either way, i don't want to go. last time things didn't go over so well. i think it's because i'm stubborn. and i thought things would either be horrible or be fantastic. and it's kind of middle of the road. i think part of my problem is i'm desperately in need of someone to talk to about all of this and i know i'm supposed to tell her but i can't. it was hard enough to tell her the first time and now it's worse. and that feeling of disappointment i was talking about before - i feel like i would disappoint her. and i really don't want another person disappointed. plus i don't know if i could put into words how i felt. or how i'm feeling, rather. i know vaguely that the cut is because i want that pain inside to be on the outside. but there's more there. there's got to be - otherwise, i'd be able to stop. and i was fine for awhile too. and then it just got out of control. and now the weather is getting warmer which i wasn't expecting
Saturday, October 11, 2008
and the music.
i think that my expectations are too high.
point blank - i'm pretty sure that all that i'm doing
is setting myself up for disappointment.
i just want that freshness back, the reviving quality that i was able to get awhile ago.
so, i think that my expectations
are too high.
point blank - i'm pretty sure that all that i'm doing
is setting myself up for disappointment.
i just want that freshness back, the reviving quality that i was able to get awhile ago.
so, i think that my expectations
are too high.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
the moment.
tonight, someone told me that you don't have to believe
because it's right or because it's what you've been taught to do,
but to believe in the moments.
in the great moments or in the bad -
but to just be in the moment and whatever belief followers that moment,
so be it.
i've been angry for a really, really long time.
and i'm not done being angry and i don't think that i'm close.
because i'm really hurt and i'm upset and i'm confused.
but that same someone said anger was alright, that it was fine to be angry.
and everyone has just been telling me that i'll be alright, that things will work out.
but no one told me it was alright to be angry.
and in a way, i feel better knowing that i can be angry and that that's alright.
that's the alright part of this whole mess.
i don't know what i need;
i don't know if it's going to be you, or someone else, or no one.
but what i do know is that right now, it's not working.
and right now i need to be angry.
and i think that it's okay to be happy at the same time.
to laugh during the day the same days that i cry.
i don't know if that's supposed to happen -
but it just is happening that way. that's the moment i'm believing in right now ..
that i'm angry with you, with a lot of people
and that i have a lot of things i need to say
but also that there's a lot of things i shouldn't say
and there's a lot that i just won't.
because it'll hurt too much.
and i don't want to give someone else my pain -
i've been going through enough to know that the last thing someone wants
is someone else's pain.
so until you offer to take me off my feet and put me on your shoulders
and just carry me for awhile; me and all of my weight and all of my pain
and until i accept to be lifted, to be freed, to be with you; that someone who wants to do that for me,
i'm in the moment.
and if i'm crying, or cutting, or cheering.
then at least i'm here.
and at least i'm doing something
to try and work this out.
so for now, for tonight -
that's the moment.
that's what i believe.
because it's right or because it's what you've been taught to do,
but to believe in the moments.
in the great moments or in the bad -
but to just be in the moment and whatever belief followers that moment,
so be it.
i've been angry for a really, really long time.
and i'm not done being angry and i don't think that i'm close.
because i'm really hurt and i'm upset and i'm confused.
but that same someone said anger was alright, that it was fine to be angry.
and everyone has just been telling me that i'll be alright, that things will work out.
but no one told me it was alright to be angry.
and in a way, i feel better knowing that i can be angry and that that's alright.
that's the alright part of this whole mess.
i don't know what i need;
i don't know if it's going to be you, or someone else, or no one.
but what i do know is that right now, it's not working.
and right now i need to be angry.
and i think that it's okay to be happy at the same time.
to laugh during the day the same days that i cry.
i don't know if that's supposed to happen -
but it just is happening that way. that's the moment i'm believing in right now ..
that i'm angry with you, with a lot of people
and that i have a lot of things i need to say
but also that there's a lot of things i shouldn't say
and there's a lot that i just won't.
because it'll hurt too much.
and i don't want to give someone else my pain -
i've been going through enough to know that the last thing someone wants
is someone else's pain.
so until you offer to take me off my feet and put me on your shoulders
and just carry me for awhile; me and all of my weight and all of my pain
and until i accept to be lifted, to be freed, to be with you; that someone who wants to do that for me,
i'm in the moment.
and if i'm crying, or cutting, or cheering.
then at least i'm here.
and at least i'm doing something
to try and work this out.
so for now, for tonight -
that's the moment.
that's what i believe.
love.
"You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
Dr. Seuss.
Dr. Seuss.
right now, i'm in love with sleep.
but i know that sometime [soon?]
i won't be able to fall asleep
because i'm in love.
everyone else has found theirs.
i'll just have to wait.
and maybe all that it'll take is
loving myself first.
and i think as long as i'm willing to understand that,
that this isn't going to happen tomorrow,
or that it could,
it'll be easier for me to sleep.
i just want to be able to sleep with someone arms wrapped around me
rather than a blanket.
but that'll happen.
i'll fall in love with someone who loves me back eventually.
but i know that sometime [soon?]
i won't be able to fall asleep
because i'm in love.
everyone else has found theirs.
i'll just have to wait.
and maybe all that it'll take is
loving myself first.
and i think as long as i'm willing to understand that,
that this isn't going to happen tomorrow,
or that it could,
it'll be easier for me to sleep.
i just want to be able to sleep with someone arms wrapped around me
rather than a blanket.
but that'll happen.
i'll fall in love with someone who loves me back eventually.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
45 degrees
and i think it's bad that i'm using the weather as a cover.
because that way i can wear long sleeves.
i can accept the fact that i'm falling.
and i understand i can't get up on my own.
it's just that i'm hurting again.
and the easiest explanation
is that if i hurt this way -
i can something to show for my pain.
because that way i can wear long sleeves.
i can accept the fact that i'm falling.
and i understand i can't get up on my own.
it's just that i'm hurting again.
and the easiest explanation
is that if i hurt this way -
i can something to show for my pain.
if i told you
everything that's going on,
would it scare you away?
because i keep playing
how the conversation would go
in my head over and over
and i'm thinking that i should (?)
tell you what's up.
but i really don't know.
if i told you -
but i think the bigger issue
is that that you might be scared
to talk about things again
but that we have to talk about this
and that it's happening again.
the other thing is that
that i would actually have to get in touch with you.
and i don't know if you'd actually want to hear that.
i think i'll have to play it by ear
if i think you'd actually be listening.
because i think that i need to tell someone.
but i don't know what i want their answer to be.
because i don't know what question i'll be asking.
would it scare you away?
because i keep playing
how the conversation would go
in my head over and over
and i'm thinking that i should (?)
tell you what's up.
but i really don't know.
if i told you -
but i think the bigger issue
is that that you might be scared
to talk about things again
but that we have to talk about this
and that it's happening again.
the other thing is that
that i would actually have to get in touch with you.
and i don't know if you'd actually want to hear that.
i think i'll have to play it by ear
if i think you'd actually be listening.
because i think that i need to tell someone.
but i don't know what i want their answer to be.
because i don't know what question i'll be asking.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
my way.
"And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.' This year.. I lost my way."
i really want to be able to figure out
how i've gotten so. damn. far. off. track.
i just can't put my finger on it.
but somewhere along the way.
i fell off. and i didn't try hard enough
to get back on when i was just a little
bruised and a little banged up.
and now i'm weaker
and more cut up.
and i just want to close my eyes
for the rest of this year
and just wish myself somewhere else.
i need to get out of this place.
and by this place,
i mean my house, my school, my town.
but more than all of those places.
the place i most need to get out of
is myself.
i have to get out of my head
and out of my heart
and out of all of my other struggling bits
and wander for awhile.
i can't believe i'm considering taking time off
before college and just running away.
that's not supposed to happen.
but right now
the other thing i can see helping
is running. and running fast.
and hard. and far.
and be alone and be scared and quiet.
i need to be quiet for awhile.
because i think if i speak,
i'll say things i regret
and end up hurting more.
because losing my way
has been cruel enough already.
and i feel like it's just been getting worse
and more tiring
and just bad.
this year, i've definitely lost my way.
and i just want to find myself again.
i know i'm out there somewhere.
for awhile i had me to myself and i had me to get to everyone else.
and now i'm just giving out a shell to what i think fits best with that person
and then i'm giving the broken ones to myself.
and trying to put them together.
and i just keep breaking.
and i just keep losing my way.
more, and more, and more.
how i've gotten so. damn. far. off. track.
i just can't put my finger on it.
but somewhere along the way.
i fell off. and i didn't try hard enough
to get back on when i was just a little
bruised and a little banged up.
and now i'm weaker
and more cut up.
and i just want to close my eyes
for the rest of this year
and just wish myself somewhere else.
i need to get out of this place.
and by this place,
i mean my house, my school, my town.
but more than all of those places.
the place i most need to get out of
is myself.
i have to get out of my head
and out of my heart
and out of all of my other struggling bits
and wander for awhile.
i can't believe i'm considering taking time off
before college and just running away.
that's not supposed to happen.
but right now
the other thing i can see helping
is running. and running fast.
and hard. and far.
and be alone and be scared and quiet.
i need to be quiet for awhile.
because i think if i speak,
i'll say things i regret
and end up hurting more.
because losing my way
has been cruel enough already.
and i feel like it's just been getting worse
and more tiring
and just bad.
this year, i've definitely lost my way.
and i just want to find myself again.
i know i'm out there somewhere.
for awhile i had me to myself and i had me to get to everyone else.
and now i'm just giving out a shell to what i think fits best with that person
and then i'm giving the broken ones to myself.
and trying to put them together.
and i just keep breaking.
and i just keep losing my way.
more, and more, and more.
i know better.
there's a lot that could be done.
there' a lot that should be done.
but let this serve as a reminder
whenever i may need it next
that i won't
and can't
do any of those things in any form.
and that that makes me a better person.
and therefore since i know that i shouldn't and i won't,
i'm accepting it.
accepting it on a very, verrrrry minimal level.
but i'm accepting it.
because the alternative does nothing.
and is pointless.
and be that i don't like it
really doesn't matter at all.
i know better
and i'll be better.
...
just remind me of this in a couple of hours when i'm cynical and salty again.
there' a lot that should be done.
but let this serve as a reminder
whenever i may need it next
that i won't
and can't
do any of those things in any form.
and that that makes me a better person.
and therefore since i know that i shouldn't and i won't,
i'm accepting it.
accepting it on a very, verrrrry minimal level.
but i'm accepting it.
because the alternative does nothing.
and is pointless.
and be that i don't like it
really doesn't matter at all.
i know better
and i'll be better.
...
just remind me of this in a couple of hours when i'm cynical and salty again.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
plans
"Sometimes when you're young, you think nothing can hurt you. It's like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you, and you have big plans. Big plans. To find your perfect match. The one that completes you. But as you get older, you realize it's not always that easy. It's not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans. At the end, when you're looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you're leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered."
but that's just the thing. i can't figure out how
to make it all matter. i know that i'm not insignificant.
but i feel that way.
and angry.
and sad.
and lost.
i just want to throw all my plans that i've made to the wind
and watch them fly away
with my dreams.
because right now, i feel like i'm not the best person i can be.
rather, i know i'm not the best person i can be right now.
but the problem is is that i don't care.
i want. to matter.
to something.
to someone.
so i guess what i do now
is pretend that i'm invincible
and try to take on the world.
to make it all matter. i know that i'm not insignificant.
but i feel that way.
and angry.
and sad.
and lost.
i just want to throw all my plans that i've made to the wind
and watch them fly away
with my dreams.
because right now, i feel like i'm not the best person i can be.
rather, i know i'm not the best person i can be right now.
but the problem is is that i don't care.
i want. to matter.
to something.
to someone.
so i guess what i do now
is pretend that i'm invincible
and try to take on the world.
Friday, October 03, 2008
crank.
Conflicting edits
There was more than one attempt to edit this resource at the same time. This may have been because you double clicked on a link or a button or because someone else is also editing this blog or post.
that was 3 seconds after i tried to post a blog
about how much of a bad mood i was in.
awesome.
note to self:
yesterday? best day. loved it.
i forgot how good it feels the next morning
after an amazing night.
i forgot how good it feels the next morning
after an amazing night.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
simplicity
“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”
“Promise you won’t forget about me, ever.
Not even when I’m a hundred.”
-Winnie The Pooh.
seriously, i think i might cry.
why aren't more people as cute as this?
and besides that, it just makes sense.
it makes sense and it's absolutely adorable.
and it's so. simple.
i am so tired of everything being so complicated.
reading this kind of thing grounds me again
as silly as that sounds.
we don't take enough time going back to the beginning
because the beginning was good for everyone.
what else do you need?
why aren't more people as cute as this?
and besides that, it just makes sense.
it makes sense and it's absolutely adorable.
and it's so. simple.
i am so tired of everything being so complicated.
reading this kind of thing grounds me again
as silly as that sounds.
we don't take enough time going back to the beginning
because the beginning was good for everyone.
what else do you need?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
