who do you think you are?

"Shot through with adrenaline to fire up my excited heart
Help me believe in myself, get the starter to start"

i'm trying, by the way. i'm trying but it's really hard.
i guess i almost thought nothing was going to get into my way.
but that's not what happened at all - it's like i'm looking for obstacles to come my way
just so that i can have something to pity myself on.
i just want to stay home. and write.
that's got to be a step up from wanting to leave all the time, right?
but i think i'm trying to write myself a new life -
i've done that before. and i can't believe how far that one went.
but every story has to end sometime, right?
that one was good until it got bad - as logical as it sounds.
and then it got bad and i wanted out.
but that's the thing with writing;
when things get bad in the story, you just stop.
you kill off a character, you put on a new setting,
you start a new. chapter.
but i can't do that - i'm stuck with my story and all i can do
is keep writing and try and get myself out of some of these holes.
i guess my attempt to take off and just be was short lived.
i'm trying, it's hard, but i'm trying.
and i'm just tired.
is the other thing -
i'm just really tired.
i know that these all say the same things
so if anyone is reading,
this one is going to be different
only in the sense that .. there's another day when things are the same pain.
there's another night when i can't entertain
the idea of being alone and sleeping alone and waking up alone
and just walking through my day by myself.
i'm trying. but it's hard to try and not succeed.
that's what it comes down to.
i want to see results.
at this point you're probably thinking "you have to wait it out, wait out that storm and then it'll be good"
but i just want to write off the storm
and write in a little sunshine
but it's hard when the forecast
is predicting rain and cold for the next few days.
that's why things are hard -
it's not fun to be cheery when things are drippy.
my nose included.
all i know is come weekend,
i'm cranking out some stories.
that'll be a good time.
i'll wait out the storm inside my den,
wrapped up tight to keep everything mean at bay.
i'm just going to keep waiting it out.
i'm going to keep trying.
get a little extra sleep tonight.
or maybe just toss and turn.
but try, right? that's the key to this.
to write my way out when i've got nothing left.
and i know i have some things that need salvaging before i take off.