my way.

"And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.' This year.. I lost my way."

i really want to be able to figure out
how i've gotten so. damn. far. off. track.
i just can't put my finger on it.
but somewhere along the way.
i fell off. and i didn't try hard enough
to get back on when i was just a little
bruised and a little banged up.
and now i'm weaker
and more cut up.
and i just want to close my eyes
for the rest of this year
and just wish myself somewhere else.
i need to get out of this place.
and by this place,
i mean my house, my school, my town.
but more than all of those places.
the place i most need to get out of
is myself.
i have to get out of my head
and out of my heart
and out of all of my other struggling bits
and wander for awhile.
i can't believe i'm considering taking time off
before college and just running away.
that's not supposed to happen.
but right now
the other thing i can see helping
is running. and running fast.
and hard. and far.
and be alone and be scared and quiet.
i need to be quiet for awhile.
because i think if i speak,
i'll say things i regret
and end up hurting more.
because losing my way
has been cruel enough already.
and i feel like it's just been getting worse
and more tiring
and just bad.
this year, i've definitely lost my way.
and i just want to find myself again.
i know i'm out there somewhere.
for awhile i had me to myself and i had me to get to everyone else.
and now i'm just giving out a shell to what i think fits best with that person
and then i'm giving the broken ones to myself.
and trying to put them together.
and i just keep breaking.
and i just keep losing my way.
more, and more, and more.