10/26/06

it's coming up and it took me by surprise last night;
i hope i have a better night tonight.
i don't remember having those kinds of nightmares before,
not at least past the night of and a few days following.
i just feel like all the life got sucked out me last night.
and i wanted to feel better waking up
and though i felt a lot better physically, i just feel kind of numb emotionally right now.
i've got a lot clouding my thoughts right now.
i think i'll try to go on Saturday.
i think i need to -
i think those horrible, horrible thoughts were telling me something.
it's time. i just hope i can do it, i don't know if i can. but i hope that i can.
it's just the same image in my head over and over
damn the newspapers for being so fucking descriptive.
it just hurts to picture this all over again.
last year, there weren't nightmares.
and that was the one year "anniversary"
but last year? just thinking about going put me in a horrible, horrible mood.
and it should. but i'm just worried i'm not strong enough to go.
i have to be though. i have to replace this image with a better one,
with a beautiful one. i can't be closing my eyes and seeing that.
and i can't have my eyes OPEN and be thinking that.
right now i'm just trying to block it out. just every time i start to think, just scramble it up.
and i guess i would feel empty or angry or sad even.
but right now i'm just numb.
it hit me so hard last night; that was a mess.
but now .. i don't know. i don't know if i can deal with everyone writing everything and saying everything. i don't know about that. adjksdk. i don't think i can do this.
i need to and i want to be able more than anything.
but it's going to be hard. and i don't know if i can do it. i really want to.
and i know if i bring it up, the whole mood will change. which it should.
but it's like i just want to go on my own.
that'd be the advantage.
that'd be better.
to go on my own.
this year i don't want to deal with anyone else's words.
but i dont think i'll be able to do that - i think i'll turn to someone.
i just don't know who. that's a lie, i do know who.
i just don't know if you'll be there for me.
this is so hard. i want the numbness so i don't feel pain.
but i need to feel the pain, i have to.
fuck. i don't know. i'm going to be so upset this time. i can feel it.
last year i thought i was getting better.
but be proof because of the summer, i'm not better.
i know that i'm not better but i thought i was getting there.
and i'm stuck. i'm like a car with the wrong wheels.
i can't go forward and i can't go back.
god. going back. those words stung a little.
i can't even go there.
going back would be .. indescribable.
ive thought that so. SO. SO. many times.
i can't and that hurts so. much.
that hurts an indescribable amount too.
fuck. i can't think about this.
going back? no. i can't.
but i want to. but i know i can't.
but that doesn't stop the fact that i WANT to.
god. ouch. now my heart hurts.
now i feel empty.
i don't know - i need to go .
but it's going to be hard.
so. so. so. hard.
but i have to go.
it's been two years.
well, it'll be two years.
god, i'm so fucked up from that.
i don't think i've ever realized that these two years have been really shit.
see? now i'm angry. what the fuck.
i just want to go back. i just want to save her. it's not fair.
that phone call. oh, god. i forgot about that phone call.
i didn't want to pick up the phone for weeks.
that was so. hard.
i didn't believe it.
i couldn't.
i still can't?
but my heart hurts now.
and i'm angry
and i'm upset.
in the course of .. 10 minutes? 20?
god. man. i have got to do it.
fuck. this is absolutely .. ouch.
it just hurts beyond i can describe.
what did i do? - letting these thoughts get in my head again.
well, c'mon sunday. i'm not ready for you at all.